Name: Bill Burr - Getting A Gun - Conan
Uploaded: 2016-07-31T12:16:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting A Gun - Conan' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting A Gun - Conan' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-31. Transcript available.

- Well, good to have you on again.
Thanks for being here.
- It's nice to be here.
You know what?
I actually have the same dream
about somebody coming into my house.
- This happens a lot, actually,
where I'll be just falling asleep,
and I'll think,
I'll run through an entire scenario of a home invasion,
and I don't have any kind of weapon in my house.
- So you want to go with the .22 caliber.
- Right.
- Perfect gun to shoot in the house.
It's a low caliber gun.
You can't really kill anybody from a distance, you know?
So if they take a hostage,
you can just start shooting at 'em.
- Perfect.
- Just let it go?
- That's good to know.
- Yeah.
So whenever I'm on the road,
I talk about getting a .22,
everybody makes fun of me.
You know, 'cause, you know, it's that guy thing.
Like, "Oh, what, are you gonna shoot a squirrel?"
- Yeah.
- With your little, you know, little gun.
But if you're in the house, that's what you want.
Little .22, you know?
I'm basically teaching you guys
how to kill somebody, I think.
- So it's a .22 you think is superior
to the part of a vacuum cleaner.
- Yeah.
You don't have, like, a .44 Magnum.
It's like you're gonna shoot through the guy,
through the wall, blow your dog's brains out,
and, like, drop the engine out of your car.
Way too much.
Just get, like, a little .22.
You can still hear if you miss.
- Right?
- No, I shot a .38 one time with no hearing protection.
- Yeah.
- I was doing landscaping for this guy,
and all of a sudden, he was like--
- Oh, yeah, that follows.
- There was some sound that needed killing.
- Yeah, and he was like, "I got this five-shot .38.
I never shot it.
It was the '80s."
So you're like, "Yeah, why not?
There's no laws."
- You can't explain anything by just saying,
"Oh, it was the '80s."
- Yeah, you could just--
- Why did you do that?
"It was the '80s."
- We went down the street that somebody burned a car
for insurance, so we were shooting at that,
and after the first shot, I couldn't hear anything,
and I never forgot that.
So if you're in the house and you miss,
now you can't hear.
You're blinded by the muzzle flash.
This guy's coming around your bed with a sickle,
and you're shooting the wrong way.
- What is a sickle?
A sickle?
He's got a sickle?
- A sickle.
- Is he harvesting wheat?
What's he doing?
What's he doing in your house with a sickle?
- I honestly, as you get older,
you think about safety, and I totally relate to that.
- Yeah.
- When you're home alone, it's just that feeling.
- Yeah.
- It's just, you're the only person there,
you're what's for dinner.
If somebody comes in, it's on you.
That's why I never was comfortable in a motel.
- What?
- 'Cause you're just laying in this bed,
like two feet from a door,
that just opens up into the parking lot.
Any guy can come in,
and you're just not ready to have a fight to the death.
You're just laying there.
You know?
You turn to the shit, this guy comes in.
- So to be honest,
I'm never ready to have a fight to the death.
It's not like in a motel.
You think in a motel, it's like that's,
you're particularly vulnerable.
- In a motel, you should, you know what?
Just drive by a motel and just look at it.
You're just looking at those doors,
like there's just people in there,
just laying on beds, like half naked, you know?
Just laying there.
- And the door is like that thick, it's barely.
- You could put your foot right through it.
He's gonna be like that.
That's it.
Last thing you're gonna see is just,
you're gonna be looking back at your own body,
like upside down. - Okay, okay.
You're crazy.
- Look at.
No, I do think about that.