Name: Bill Burr - Stand-up - Part 2
Uploaded: 2016-08-04T11:28:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stand-up - Part 2' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stand-up - Part 2' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-04. Transcript available.

Um, but yeah, what else has been bugging me lately?
Tiger Woods' wife, soon-to-be ex-wife, thank God, you know, unbelievable.
She got a lot of nerve, that one.
It really does.
That really should have been Tiger Woods' response to her, that whole fucking...
She'd be like, you know, you got a lot of nerve.
Let me just walk away, just walk away, just let her...
Don't think about that for a while.
Let me fucking break.
What is she bitching about again, exactly?
You bought her six houses in a fucking island.
If I was dating a woman who did all that, she could bang anybody she wanted.
I don't care.
Fuck them all.
Can I have another car?
This is awesome.
This is awesome.
I do nothing all day.
That's exactly what everybody dreams of, right?
Isn't everybody's dream?
As much as you want to make it in this business and everything.
Don't you have a figure in your head?
Once I make this much money, that's it.
I'm tapping out.
Fuck everybody.
Suck my dick is my outgoing message.
I'll pick it up if I want to, if I feel like it.
I'm sick of putting checkers in between my toes or whatever freaky thing you'd
do if you had all kinds of free time.
No, she does.
She's got a lot of nerve.
She's got a lot of nerve.
She married the king.
Right?
She married the king.
You know what that means.
King gets extra pussy.
That's how it works.
That's how it's always worked.
King has always gotten extra.
The king doesn't get extra.
What am I working for?
What am I dragging myself up the mountain for?
I'm going to get up there.
I'm going to get the same amount as some fat fuck at a hardware store?
It's ridiculous.
Don't marry the king.
You want a loyal guy?
Marry a serf.
Go get some guy.
Get a compact car.
Drive to work every day to some fucking cubicle.
That guy's loyal.
He doesn't walk to his car having to beat women off him.
I know that's a ridiculous point of view, but come on.
Honestly.
At no point.
They're talking about her like he was slapping her around.
I like when they say that joke.
There's no excuse to have a head of women.
They always say that on shows.
There's no excuse to have a head of women.
Really?
I think you'll be like 15 right after talking about it.
You just don't do it.
You just don't do it.
For you to sit there and act as though, but just the level of ego of that is
just, it's
fucking, it's incredible.
All right.
I got a dog.
I got to bring it around.
Something happens.
Something to show that I'm not heartless.
Where is the light, by the way?
Where, is that it right there?
So, you're going to give it to me for the prom.
That was unbelievably unprofessional.
Just saw a lot of lights up there.
That one's kind of dimmer than the other one.
I, uh, yeah, I got a dog.
Went down to the pond.
I got one of those free dogs.
That's how I say it.
I got a free dog.
I don't say a rescued one.
I think that's obnoxious.
It's not like a gross exaggeration.
I hate when people say that.
She's a rescue.
Nah, I rescue her.
Really?
Did you pull her out of a burning building?
Did you jump in a river with your wingtips still on?
Like, no, get started for your own safety.
Or did you just go down to the pond and get a free dog?
That's not what you mean.
Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards and crawl in on your
elbows.
Using hand signals.
They were going out of the pond and just giving them away.
They don't even do a background check.
You want a knack?
Get out of here.
That's it.
It's over.
So I'm looking at these dogs.
You know, I like a bigger dog.
So I'm looking at this one.
But, you know, I'm looking at the dog.
I'm like, is that a pit bull?
And the lady's like, no, it's not a pit bull.
It's a mix.
Really?
Mixed with what?
Another pit bull?
Look at that pit bull.
It's like he's been doing pull-ups his entire life.
Front paws were still taped up.
It's shadow box.
And it's a pit bull.
I don't know what it was.
I fell in love with it, though, man.
I love the dog.
You know?
I know a lot of people don't like pit bulls because, you know, they ate some
people or whatever
they did.
Every time a pit bull does anything, it's on the news.
It's ridiculous.
All those little dogs biting people all the time.
How many people got bit by dog sounds last year?
Anybody have the stats on that?
You don't.
They're like bankers.
No one gives a shit.
They just fucking get away with it.
White-collar crime.
Those little dogs.
Pit bulls don't even look at anybody.
There's a big news van outside with a satellite.
It's got to be put down.
They're awesome dogs.
You owe it to yourself.
I'm telling you.
At some point in your life, you'll have to walk down the street with a pit bull.
It's tremendous.
People just get out of the way.
It's awesome.
Three, four blocks away, they just start crossing the street.
I love it.
You know, my whole life, I've looked like Ron Howard.
You know?
I've been mugged repeatedly.
I've been mugged just because of how I look.
No one respects me.
He looks like a puppet.
Let's go mess with him.
Now I've got this dog.
It's like I'm tough by association.
You know?
Got a little street crag.
You're awesome.
I've been totally sold on the breed.
I can't even describe that feeling walking down the street with a pit bull.
It's like a gun you can pack.
That's the best, that's the best way I've got it.
I love it.
No, they're really, they're really loyal dogs.
And, you know, I'm not going to lie.
She's out of her mind.
You know, that's one of the things Sarah McLaughlin doesn't talk about when she's
whining about those dogs.
You know?
Yeah, shelter dogs are crazy.
My dog has like nightmares of like running in his sleep.
Fuck, don't worry, you motherfuckers.
You know?
You're not supposed to wake a human being, you know, if they're having a
nightmare.
What do I do with a pit bull?
You know?
So, all right, how can I get out of this?
What's the last thing?
Oh, here's one with you.
I was having lunch with this girl, right?
And right in the middle of lunch, she looks across the table.
And we were in this restaurant.
She goes, um, is this going to be oddly racist?
And I was like, all right, this is going to be awesome.
All right.
I thought this was going to be a boring lunch.
Okay, let's have it.
What do you got?
She just goes, yeah.
Um, there are a lot of Asians in this restaurant.
Like, that's not racist.
That's an observation.
There are a lot of Asians in this restaurant.
However, if you were to say, what the fuck are all these fucking Asians in this
goddamn restaurant?
Now, that would seem oddly racist.
Now, listen, I'm out of time.
You guys have a lot of fun.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you.
Thank you.