Name: Bill Burr on The Pete Holmes Show
Uploaded: 2016-08-11T08:55:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on The Pete Holmes Show' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on The Pete Holmes Show' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-08-11. Transcript available.

All right, tonight's guest is one of the most talented comedians around in my
all-time
favorite comic. He's an actor. You've seen him on Chappelle's show, Breaking
Bad, and
the movie The Heat. I am personally grateful to him because he helped me get
this show
on the air by appearing on the pilot. Please give a warm welcome to my good
friend, Bill
Burr, everybody. Bill Burr. Great. I got the little high chair here. Yeah, I
know. Yeah, well, it's your show. You're tall. Yeah, I know. Sort of average.
But we seem like the same. Like, look in the monitor. That's about right. I
look uncomfortable. Actually, that was an internet comment I saw that was like,
they said, when I see people in high
chairs pretending to have, like, a casual conversation and never addressing the
fact that they're in these
preposterous high chairs. You got to. There should be a high-top bar here with,
like, potato skins. It's very, very Applebee's going out of business.
Which is kind of perfect because I feel like an Applebee's waiter, don't I?
Just like, flaming fajitas. Doesn't that feel? Yeah, you have like that, like,
I don't know if it's me, but you're so happy. Sometimes it bothers me.
It's like, all right, I get it. The sun is shining. Just take it down a little
bit. Like, I get actually anxiety around people as happy as you. It's like, I
can't, I can't hit the ball back, dude. I can't, like, I can't sustain. It's a
rally.
You come into the net with your happiness. I'm just like, this is over. It's
going to smash it right at me.
The happy ball.
Yeah, they're happy ball. You're a happy fellow. You come off as agitated, but,
you know.
Oh, yeah. I'm affable.
You're likable.
People have a tendency that they will watch your act, and then they just think,
like, oh, he's like that 24-7, screaming and yelling.
And that's not true. I mean, it is definitely a chunk of my day.
No, I don't like being, you know, angry. I don't want to be that guy. I'd like
to be jolly, but, uh, it hasn't been in the cards so far.
I try to be.
Well, we were going to have you on the first week. We were going to have you on
the first week, but then you went and got married.
Yeah. Which I finally grew up.
Yeah.
Yes, I did.
Yeah.
Do you remember on my podcast, you railed for about 30 hilarious minutes
against marriage?
Like, the most persuasive, never get married. It's a racket.
They're going to take half your shit.
that lie.
Yeah, but at this point, no, that's true, and I maintain that.
It is an absolutely insane thing to do.
Yes.
Gay or straight.
Either way.
Gays have no idea what they're walking into.
I can't wait.
I don't wish this on anybody, but when the gay divorces start coming in, they're
really going to step back, I think, being like, what the hell were we wishing
for here?
You know?
I could have sent him a card on his deathbed.
It really wasn't worth that.
Because they can't...
That was their big thing. I can't go and say goodbye when they're dying, but
that's if you make it.
But it's literally, like, as far as marriage is working, that's like the sperm
making it to the egg.
Yeah.
You're saying...
Dude, it's facts.
Most of them don't work.
And then you've got to start all over again.
Just bust it, you know?
Yeah.
I don't know how it's going to work with...
Because it usually sides for the women.
But when you've got two dudes, like, how is that going to work out?
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
I guess it works out for whoever's making more money.
This is classic, like, how I talk on the podcast.
I just get into it.
And then I'd be like, oh, hey, I'm a moron.
And I didn't read up on this.
How is that going to work out?
Well, God.
I'll tell you how it's going to work out.
The gay dude, the gay dude who's not doing shit is going to get all the stuff
and be like, oh, I'm used to a certain lifestyle.
Right?
And then the gay guy who's killing it, he's going to go back to the studio
apartment.
Calling it right now.
Calling it right now.
It's going to be horrible.
It's going to be great.
It'll bring straights and gays closer together.
Just start, like, a divorce bar.
Like, all people welcome.
And you just compare notes.
Like, what's more horrific?
A bitter ex-dude or a bitter ex-woman?
Yeah, when they wrote that, hell hath no fury like a woman scorn, there weren't
as many public gay relationships.
So maybe that's real bad, too.
Yeah, but they didn't have the right to try.
They, not being married, they didn't have a legal contract.
Right.
So I think what that, when they broke up, was probably whoever was stronger.
You know, they just sort of wrestled for stuff.
Like, you guys are taking this really seriously.
Like, does he really think that's how gay people break up?
I'm just messing around.
He introduced me as a comedian.
Right?
Am I going to have to go on split screen with a blogger tomorrow?
Comedy.
Can it go too far?
We're going to come back with more Bill Burr.
There's no way we're ending this.
Kelly Burr.
Thank you.
Our first two-act interviews.
There you go.
There you go.
There you go.
Do you want to read the card?
Welcome back, everybody.
I'm still here with Bill Burr.
We have time for one question.
When you die, is it just lights out?
I hope so.
I really hope so.
There's a comfort in that.
Yeah.
It's over.
Thank God.
And I think you just go in the ground.
And if they would stop putting people in boxes,
if they would just put them in the ground,
you would nourish the soil.
Right.
And somebody else would have it at bat.
Yes.
You know, these people, you know,
getting their heads frozen.
Trying to come back.
To do what?
What are you going to do?
Like, you're going to come back.
Like, how much time?
Like, Ted Williams just has his head frozen.
That wasn't his choice.
Like, how long is that head going to be frozen
before they have a cure for having no body?
You know?
So let's just say,
let's just say they come up with it.
A cure.
You're going to be like,
I mean, I already have a generation gap
when I do a college gig.
I just can't imagine coming back,
like, thousands of years later.
You know, you're not hip on music.
People are making references to,
yeah, that's like the, uh, you know,
the French and Indian War of, you know,
3,500.
You're like, you have no idea
what anybody is talking about.
You know how to levitate.
You can't, like, communicate without speaking.
And you're instantly,
you're going right to the circus.
You know?
You're going right to the circus.
You came back to work at the circus.
Bill Burr, everybody.
My favorite comedian.
Bill Burr.
That's it.
Thank you, everybody.
Good night.
Thank you, Bill.
You're amazing.