Name: Bill Burr on Night of Too Many Stars
Uploaded: 2016-09-07T10:24:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on Night of Too Many Stars' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on Night of Too Many Stars' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-09-07. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Bill Burr.
Bill Burr!
Thank you.
Alright, how are you? How's it going?
Thank you for coming out of this wonderful eight leg.
I just got back from Southeast Asia doing some stand-up over there.
Really cool people. Yeah, it's a shit.
Wonderful people. Unbelievable level of poverty.
I almost fall off the stage.
Makes it hard to complain, though, you know?
You see that level of poverty?
Come back, your throat's all itching and stuff.
Probably got Ebola, you know?
It would be a good thing to bring that here, you know?
Just to kind of thin out the traffic a little bit, right?
Why don't they ever just let it burn through one time?
Why do we always got to, like, jump on it?
You ever had one of those selfish thoughts?
Like, what if it was a bunch of people who died, nobody you knew or loved,
right?
And then the next day you'd just get to tear right through the Lincoln Tunnel
at about five in the evening, right?
The only thing you'd have to suppress is the guilt of not missing those people
you didn't know, right?
I shouldn't make fun of Ebola, I don't know anything about it.
Other than if you get it, you have this unbelievable urge to go to the airport,
right?
Yeah, I don't know what it is.
Nobody gets Ebola, it just has the decency to just walk out in the woods by
themselves and just bleed out like a gentleman, right?
For some reason, you've got to go right down to the airport.
Can I downgrade to a middle seat?
So, I'm sick of Obama's wife.
Yeah.
This isn't some Republican rant, either.
It's just kind of first ladies in general.
You know, I don't know what it is.
All throughout my life, with each presidency, like, these first ladies, they've
just gotten more and more, like, like, uh, like, chatty.
You know?
More and more chiming in, like, leaning into the frame.
Spitting out their ideas.
It's just like, why are you talking?
Right?
You weren't elected.
Shut up.
Your husband's not running a lemonade stand here.
He's running the country.
You don't just chime in.
Let me guess.
Is this considered sexist?
It is?
Why?
Well, okay.
You just nodded there, ladies.
Let me ask you this.
All right?
Let's say you had a leak in your house.
Okay?
You call a plumber up.
He shows up.
And he goes, yeah, I think the leak's coming from the upstairs bathroom.
We need to shut it up.
Then all of a sudden, his wife walks in, who isn't a plumber.
And then goes, hey, you know, I'm actually thinking it's kind of, hey, wouldn't
you be like, with all due respect, shut the fuck up.
I need a plumber in this moment.
I'll extend an olive branch here.
All right?
At some point, there's going to be the first female president.
Right?
Exactly.
Which means at that moment, you're going to have the first male first lady.
Right?
And when that happens, that dude needs to shut his trap.
I don't want to hear a word out of him.
I want to hear from the president.
You, sir, go do some first lady stuff.
All right?
Go get yourself some gloves that go up to your elbows.
Smile and nod during speeches.
Go put your own flair, redecorate in the White House.
Right?
Which leads you to Michelle Obama, right?
And now she's sitting there holding up those hashtags.
Remember that hashtag, bring back our girls?
Remember that?
It's like, it blew my mind.
It's like, why are you showing me that?
I'm a stand-up comedian.
Like, what am I going to do to get those girls back?
Why don't you look across the dinner table?
It's like, you see that guy?
That is the leader of the free world.
Tell him to pick up a phone, call some Navy SEALs, and solve it.
What am I going to do?
Show up with a sharpened mic stand.
Hey, Michelle said to bring her back.
Oh, it's unreal.
I'll tell you what kills me.
Hillary Clinton might run.
She might run.
That blows my mind.
I mean, she became a senator.
She went from being the president's wife to being a senator.
Just like that.
Lateral move.
That's like Tom Brady's wife becoming the next quarterback of the Rams.
It's like, what?
You hanging out?
You just pick it up?
I sucked at sports, and then I banged Tom Brady,
and I don't know what happened.
I just picked up a ball.
I started lacing it.
I'm leading receivers.
It was incredible.
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.
Thank you so much.