Name: Bill Burr Standup Set on Conan (04/02/1997)
Uploaded: 2022-01-17T23:12:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Standup Set on Conan (04/02/1997)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Standup Set on Conan (04/02/1997)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-17. Transcript available.

Thank you.
How are you? Nice to be here.
I'm basically, I'm an easily frustrated individual.
Like, recently, I went to go buy some t-shirts, right?
All I wanted was, like, one solid color.
You know, it took me 20 minutes just to find a t-shirt
that was just, like, one solid color, you know?
'Cause nowadays, all the t-shirts,
they have to have, like, those stupid, like,
balls-to-the-wall sports slogans across them.
You know what I mean? They say, like, "Above the rim,"
or, like, "Life's short, play high."
It was, like, some 60-pound dork standing there
wearing this shirt going, "Yeah!"
"Yeah, I'm crazy. I got no fear."
I think they should have the real slogans
across these t-shirts, like, "No girlfriend."
"Living at home with parents."
"83 Escort."
"Yeah!"
"Living large."
"Making 410 an hour."
"Who's the man?"
They're losers.
These are the same people.
They go out and they buy, like, those Air Jordans
in this Shaq shoe, thinking it's gonna make them,
like, a better hoop player, you know?
It's gonna have, like, 150 bucks.
"I got the Shaq shoe.
I'm gonna be awesome, man."
And they're, like, kicking the ball around.
It's like, "No, dude, you suck,
and now you're poor."
So, anyways,
went out with this girl the other night.
I got fixed up 'cause I'm a dork,
and that's basically how it works.
And I don't even know this woman, okay?
Don't even know her.
And right off the bat, she starts, like, telling me
all these crazy stories about her life, you know?
And she keeps making this face at the end of it, right?
She's, like, freaking me out.
She's like, "Oh, my God, Bill.
You wouldn't believe this, right?
This night I came in late.
I didn't think it was any big deal,
but my mom was still up.
She's like, "Where have you been?"
"I was like, pfft."
"Have you seen girls do that?"
"I was like, pfft."
"What the hell was that in me?"
She's, like, ending every story this way the whole day.
She's like, "God, I'm late today."
She was there with a new boyfriend.
I was like, pfft."
It's, like, freaking out.
I'm like, "What do I have to do,
end my stories with faces?"
"Okay, I was driving to work today.
Someone cut me off."
I was like...
It's ridiculous.
The whole day she's like, "I'm going..."
Everybody's looking at it's like...
She finally just, like, brought her home,
like, an hour earlier, and her dad was like...
"Where'd it go, son?"
So, anyways, I'm driving home from the state,
and I'm alone, right?
I'm looking around my car, okay?
I'm basically, you know, I'm looking around.
I'm looking, I got four doors.
I got four seats.
I got all this space, you know?
You know what I didn't realize?
I don't need it.
You know what I mean?
I don't need a four-door car.
I need, like, a one passenger,
like, one door, one little wiper,
one little spray thing, you know?
Just make the rest a trunk,
you know what I mean?
But you know what stinks when you only need one?
Is everything comes in fours.
You know, like, the other day I went to buy some dishes.
What do I get?
I get four plates.
I get four forks, four spoons,
four knives, four glasses.
By a table, I get four chairs.
You know, all it is is a constant reminder
that I'm alone and I'm a loser, you know?
It's like, wow, look at all the chairs.
Oh, then they're all empty.
Oh, yeah, I'm alone.
All right.
Tell you, you know what the worst are?
Are the cookbooks.
Cookbooks are the worst 'cause it's always cooking for four.
You know what I mean?
It's always like, you know, and I flunk math,
so I can't divide a third of a cup by four,
so I got to cook the whole stupid thing.
And all this spaghetti.
Look at all the spaghetti.
Why is it so much food?
Oh, yeah, I'm alone.
I'm a loser.
They should have, like, a loser cookbook, you know?
Cooking for one, alone and dealing with it.
Recipes be like, take three peas and one carrot,
put it in the microwave and cry.
So, as you can see, basically a frustrated guy, you know?
I've actually tried to look back at my life,
see what the source of all my anger is, you know?
Can't afford therapy, so I was like,
all right, to hell with it.
I'll analyze myself, it's cheaper.
What the hell?
So, I've actually, I've narrowed this down.
Basically, when I was a kid,
I used to have, like, bright orange hair.
It wasn't like this reddish brown crap that you see.
It was like, it was like bright orange, right?
And I, it was like the 70s, so I had this big afro.
So, I'm walking around like a total loser,
but I'm three years old, I just got here,
I don't know I'm a loser, right?
I'm thinking I'm looking cool, like, all right, yeah.
So, one day, I put on the Brady Bunch.
Remember that episode where, where Bobby washed Greg's hair?
With that really cheesy shampoo?
His hair, like, turns all orange?
And he, like, freaks out, like, looks right at the camera,
and he's like, graduation's tomorrow,
and I have orange hair!
I'm like, three years old,
and I'm like, what the hell's wrong with that?
My name's Billy Burr, you guys have a lot of fun.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks very much.
Hi, guys.
Very funny.
Billy Burr, everybody.
Take a break, we'll be right back.