Name: Bill Burr on It's Showtime at the Apollo (2000)
Uploaded: 2023-08-04T07:37:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on It's Showtime at the Apollo (2000)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on It's Showtime at the Apollo (2000)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-04. Transcript available.

Apollo, please welcome comedian, Billy Byrne!
What's up everybody? How you doing man?
It's alright, it's alright, I want to start out letting you know, I know I'm
white.
Alright? Just wanted to tell you that I'm one of the few white dudes left
who actually knows that, you know what I mean?
Seriously man, I don't know what the hell happened to my people!
You know? It's like nobody wants to be white anymore.
I'm like the only dude left keeping it real, you know?
Seriously, you know? You know I love all these white kids now.
Who are like all walking around trying to act like they're like gangster
rappers now
cause they got like a couple of Tupac CDs, you know?
It's like everywhere I go man, I'll be like in the middle of Kansas, right?
There'll be some howdy-duty looking white kid like me, you know? I don't think
he's gonna be like talking like me
And all of a sudden he's just like, "Yo, what's up kid?"
She's like, "What's up kid?"
Just wanna be like, "Nothing much, Brad."
You know? How's the corn?
Are you keeping it real in Wichita?
Is that what you're doing? You're representing Topeka, son?
Keeping it real on your tractor?
How the hell are you gonna be a gangster in like the middle of Nebraska?
How the hell are you gonna be a gangster in like the middle of Nebraska?
What are you gonna be like, all hardcore about your crop?
You know?
Just trying to make it sound crazy like, "Yo, things are crazy, you know what I'm
saying?
Corn wasn't growing, scarecrow's tipping over, you know what I'm saying, son?"
I'm telling you man, some of my people should not be allowed to listen to rap
music.
You know? They can't handle it.
You know, it's like it confuses 'em. I don't know what it is.
You know, it's like I listen to this stuff, but like when I'm done listening to
it,
I like maintain my whiteness, you know?
I'm still me. I don't walk away all confused thinking I'm like Biggie Smalls or
something.
I mean, I listen to Irish music and I walk away going like...
Just being like, "Hey, little leprechaun!
Top of the morning to your latte!"
Just wanna walk up to those dudes and just be like, "Dude, you're white!
You know, what's the problem?
Health insurance? Job opportunity?
What the hell are you running from?"
It's a great gig!
I'll tell you though, man, they're not the most embarrassing, though, out of
all my people, you know?
You know like the dumbest of the dumb white people are?
Has to be white supremacist, man.
Seriously.
You know what I mean?
I'm serious, man.
They're actually, I swear to God, they're like dumber than the Klan, you know?
Which I didn't think was possible.
But you gotta give it up to the Klan, 'cause at least the Klan has the brains
to be like,
"Well, man, we should put some sheets over our heads.
I think that might be a good idea."
You know?
At least you have the brains to know that you gotta wear a disguise.
You know on a certain level you're doing something a little screwed up, right?
Somewhere in your head you know you're wrong, right?
But I'm sitting there in Texas.
I'm watching the TV.
One of those white supremacists comes on TV.
They don't even care, man.
They just stand right in the open, just going, "What power?"
That's the thing, "What power?"
Then they always drive away like the biggest piece of crap you've ever seen in
your life.
Like, no idea how dumb they look.
Like some rusted out pickup, they're like, "What power?"
"I've come from a superior race, buddy."
Klan, give me a gel, come on!
Holy crap!
It's true, man.
They're just mad 'cause they're broke.
It's true, man.
You know?
I'll tell you, you know what?
It sucks being a broke white guy, too.
It does.
You know why?
'Cause nobody cares.
I'm serious, man.
There is no sympathy for a broke white guy.
There's no sympathy.
There's no telethons.
There's no groups trying to hook you up.
Nobody cares.
I don't even care.
Seriously, when I'm down in the village and some white kid asks me for a
quarter,
I'm always just like, "Dude, get the hell out of here."
It's like, "You're white.
The whole deal's set up for you."
It's just like, "Just go out there and mingle, you lazy bastard.
Something will happen."
I'm not saying that's right.
That's just, you know...
That's what I think when I see it, you know?
So I'm white as hell, man, basically, you know?
I do, man.
You know what I always get nervous?
I always get nervous when I ride the train, you know what I mean?
I get like that mug me kind of face, you know what I mean?
So when I ride the train, what I do is I always just like stare at the floor.
That's my big thing, you know?
You know, don't look at me.
I'm not looking at you.
I'm just trying to get where I'm going.
It's like I exist, but I don't exist.
So I'm taking the Downtown Six.
This is a good, like, two months ago, right?
And I'm sitting there, I'm staring at the floor.
There's like 20 other people in the middle of the train, right?
All of a sudden, I hear this lady's voice at the back of the train.
She's going, "Ow!
Let go of my neck!"
I swear to God, she's going, "Ow!
You're hurting me!
Let go of my neck!"
You know, it's like you don't want to look...
You know what I mean?
I'm just kind of sitting there, like, going, "Settle that!
Make it go away!
Don't want to see the rest of that!"
But it just keeps going.
She's going, "I said, 'Ow!
You're hurting me!
Let go of my neck!'
So finally, I got a look.
I looked down, and I swear to God, this dude,
he's got his girl right by the back of the neck.
He's going, "You shut the hell up!
You shut your mouth!"
She's going, "Ahhh!"
"Shut up!"
"Ahhh!"
So I don't know what the hell to do, you know?
I mean, I don't know how to fight.
You know, what am I going to do?
I'm going to walk down the end of the train.
Five seconds later, I'll be going, "Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"He's going my neck!
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"I was just trying to help!
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
So I didn't do a damn thing.
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
"Ahhh!"
living here man i do live in new york you know this is the one city that
seriously i haven't
lived in i grew up in the suburbs if you haven't noticed this is the one city i
ever lived in
seriously man we're like all the races of people everybody's like all mixed in
together you know
everybody kind of fools around with each other you know that's cool i never did
nothing like
that so i lived here for like a month i started fooling around this girl lived
in my building
turned out she was like puerto rican right yeah i was like getting way over my
head okay
so we start fooling around let me tell you something the second we started fooling
around
i felt like an unbelievable amount of pressure to like do a good job you know
what i mean
no sister because anytime you hook up with somebody you always want to make
sure you're doing a good
job right but all of a sudden now it's like interracial right so i felt like
this whole extra added level
of pressure you know you know i mean i've always felt like i felt like it was
like the sexual olympics
or something that was almost like i wasn't just humping for myself anymore it's
like i had like hump for
my race there's myself waiting for like my ancestors to cheer me on in the
background come on lady give
it to her for god's sake get that pasty bum going come on let it let her know
what that leprechaun's
all about give me that pot of gold lady give me that pot of gold listen i'm out
of time you guys
are a lot of fun thank you very much