Name: The Time Louis C.K Got Arrested
Uploaded: 2022-09-22T15:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Time Louis C.K Got Arrested' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Time Louis C.K Got Arrested' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-22. Transcript available.

You know, I drove with a suspended license, so I got arrested.
And the judge was like, you know, your record is reprehensible.
You show no remorse.
You do nothing but repeat your offenses, and I'm going to go the limit with
this.
Then the next guy is like, this guy threw a rock through a window, literally,
and set a fire.
And then passed out in the street.
And he goes, are you in a program, young man?
He goes, yes, sir, I am.
Okay, good for you.
Good luck.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
All the luck.
In the world.
All the luck in the world.
All the luck in the world.
I want everyone else to have bad luck so that you can have good luck, you
stupid drunk from Mansfield, Mansfield, Massachusetts.
Joe had a little run-in years ago.
Years ago, Joe wasn't able to get a license, registration, insurance, anything.
He was like in that realm of your life when you go through that.
That's me right now.
So, at the time, especially, the Reggie's were a lot different on the
windshield.
It was just the sticker.
So, he drew one.
He looked at one, got some colored construction paper, and drew the lines of
the ruler.
It used to just be like a grid with some holes that they punched in it on the
date.
Almost like your inspection sticker still looks here in New York.
And he drew it up, taped it to the windshield, and unless you were right on top
of it, it looked perfect.
Couldn't even tell.
So, his car breaks down on the parkway, and he's underneath the car, and a cop
comes up and starts talking.
So, Joe's like, let me get my stuff out of the car.
So, he goes to go into the car, and the cop's kind of still looking at his tire,
I think, bent or something like that.
So, Joe just scrapes the crap right off the windshield, so the cop couldn't see
it.
And he goes, where's your registration?
And he goes, oh, no, I don't have one.
And he wrote him up for everything.
Joe goes to court and just says, I wasn't driving, because my car was broken
down on the side of the parkway.
And it didn't matter how it got there or anything, because you could say, I was
trailering it, I was towing it.
So, he got away without anything.
And there he was, driving with this forged government document.
I got arrested once at the Holland Tunnel, because this is how bad I was.
My license was revoked.
Not suspended, but revoked.
That's bad.
And I had, you know, crazy amounts of warrants, open warrants.
And the car I was driving had the plates from a different car.
Oh, that's never good.
The cops don't like that.
No, and the plates were bad anyway.
So, I mean, in other words, the car that they came from had expired.
The plates were expired and from another car.
But for anyone that doubted, Louie was Mexican.
And I was coming through the Holland Tunnel, and I had no money.
That's where it all started.
That I pulled out, I came up to, I was one of those things where I pulled up to
the toilet and said, hi, I have no money.
What do we do?
You know, how do we do this?
And the guy said, just give me your license, and I'll fill out a thing.
And I go, it's not on me.
And he goes, give me your registration.
And I go, I don't have that either.
Give me your name and your social security number.
You just said how smart this guy is.
Yeah, exactly.
This isn't a smart thing.
No.
You're right.
And then he made me pull over, and I went to jail.
First, he put me in a jail cell that's under the Holland Tunnel toll booth.
There's a jail cell.
There is?
Yeah, he took me down some stairs.
Hey, you got to see something most people don't get to see.
Unless you're a scofflaw, not a criminal.
Yes, exactly.
And I slept the night, I actually spent the night, I just slept in a little
jail cell down
there.
And then they transferred me to Weehawken County Jail, and that was the worst
thing that ever
happened to me.
Is that one under a photo mat?
Where's that jail?
Well, Weehawken is a really bad, it's a really bad jail.
Is it really?
Yeah.
Why?
I would not have thought that at all.
It's terrible.
People are throwing food out the windows all the time, because of the food.
I mean, I almost puked, just taking a bite out of a sandwich there.
Was it violent there, frightening?
Yeah, it was really scary.
It's really bad.
Weehawken, who would have guessed?
Yeah.
It's really bad.
It's not, it's mostly New York drug addicts that get taken, like, because the
New York
jails overflow, and they start letting the Port Authority arrest people so that
they
can take them to New Jersey, because Port Authority is in New York, New Jersey.
Oof.
How long are we in for?
Like, like a day and a half.
I was in, you know, like for a morning, afternoon, night, and the whole next
day.
It was horrible.
That's a long time.
Well, and when I got there, I was in a holding cell, and one of the guys in the
holding cell
said to me, don't let them take you out of this cell, because you'll never be
heard
from again.
If you get moved to a permanent cell, they'll never find you.
They lose people, because it's a bad bureaucracy, and everybody in the cell
agrees.
They'll, don't leave this cell.
And some guy, a cop would come once in a while and say, we got to move you, and
I'd go,
no.
He said, just say no.
I'm like, how do you just say no to, and I go, no, I'm not moving.
And he goes, come on, we're moving you to a permanent cell.
And I go, I'm not leaving here.
And he goes, ah, all right.
And that kept happening.
I just kept refusing to leave the cell.
How do you refuse?
Just say no.
Wow.
I didn't know that was an option.
Yeah.
Let me out.
It's really good.
I don't belong here.
No, and the worst part was that there was a toilet just in the middle of the
floor of
the whole, like in the middle of the room.
Yeah, you would just have to sit there.
You just had to sit there and shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
There's no.
Close.
There's no privacy or anything.
I bet I got dealt with him, though I didn't say it.
No, I didn't.
I think you stopped it.
So wait, did you get moved to an apartment and say you'd be there for a week,
baby?
Basically, and I mean, I was, because I made bail before I even arrived,
because I called,
I used the phone in the, in the, in the Holland Tunnel cell, and I made bail
right away,
but it took two days for the bail to find me.
That's right away.
Oh, amazing.
Man.
Yeah, it's bad.
How much was bail?
The prison system is bad.
Oh, I mean, I had to pay, yeah, it was like.
Like nothing?
No, it was a lot.
Really?
It was like $600 or something.
I mean, for me, that was a lot then.
Now, now I would.
You're like, I'll pay $6 million to get out of here.
I don't have that kind of money.
Figured we could take care of it right here in Brainerd.
Give him that one.
Exactly.
Right here in Brainerd.
I just want to be in full compliance.
Oh, thank you, Iraq.
Yes.
Yes, because that's a cargo song.
They want more stuff.