Name: Louis C.K TRASHING His Ex-Wife
Uploaded: 2022-10-01T15:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K TRASHING His Ex-Wife' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K TRASHING His Ex-Wife' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-01. Transcript available.

and your wife wasn't impressed you were saying yeah I came home and I showed
her
all these offers and it's good you guys are paying really good money like it's
I don't have a care of the comics yeah I don't have a TV job right now so that's
that's my income yeah and I showed it to her and she's like yeah great so you're
going out of town leaving me with the kids I'm like fuck you you know how much
money do you make what are you pulling in this week yeah would you rather
starve
to death and fucking let the kids get skinny you fucking ungrateful cunt now
the only way I know who doesn't listen XM she doesn't quite get the point that
you
know this is your job you don't yeah and I'm remembering the first time the
separation of labor it is that what it is the division of labor contract has
been
thrown away in marriage cuz I know where you're gonna go with this but I gotta
ask Louis CK yeah yeah like when you married your wife you were already in
comedy right I was so it's not like you were and spring it on her no it wasn't
like you're working for Nassau you had a nine-to-five job you're coming home
and
she knew what she was getting into that you'd be there to raise the kids you
when
you guys met she knew you were a road con yes yes but the way it's not even
that I go on the road the point is that I enjoy my job right so she thinks of
it
that because it's not like I'm going out and it's like she wishes I was doing a
miserable job and then she would be proud of me you come home I don't see
myself yeah in order to put a roof over the head but the fact that I do
something that I'm proud of that I love doing and but it still puts a roof over
the head but because women's liberation that because there are women that have
careers we're not allowed to say that we are providers anymore if you're a man
but
the fact is my wife lives off of my fucking work and doesn't do shit so if she
had a career then she could go yeah fuck you with your open Anthony tour I don't
care I'm I'm working to yeah I got mine the fact is she just eats food that I
buy
for her but I'm not allowed to point that out or else I'm a male chauvinist
like I'm
I'm being a like backwards pig by pointing out the fact which is that if I stop
doing
these fun tours where I might get blown by a whore or two that's that she can't
eat that
she can't eat anything because if she tried to start making a little as she's
worthless she
has no sense of she couldn't she could never support our house she couldn't do
it if we
switched places it would like some dumb sitcom yeah right the kids would be
very happy with
me because I'm good at taking care of the kids and be the fun guy hanging
around my wife would
be unable to fucking yeah hold down the job she's never done it really she
worked in a
Chinese restaurant for one week and the weight the the woman who owned it this
Chinese woman
he said to her how come you so slow oh she said cuz I'm busy how many tables
you have and she said I
have three tables and she said I think you may be no be waitress and she fired
her that's how you get
fired and Asian yeah by the way I think you know be waitress you maybe no be
waitress
yeah you should just stop in there maybe learn something happy birthday Lou oh
thanks for the next
one hi you and me both my friend must have been a nice birthday for a couple of
years September 12th
yeah oh yeah no way happy birthday hope did you know the tragedy September 10th
I I we had my birthday
party early because I was flying to LA on the door though the big one yeah and
I I flew the night
before to LA but we had a big birthday party for me in our backyard and I it my
wife got me a pinata
which we look at a traditional head of that pinata still hangs in our backyard
really it's just this
symbol of the last normal moment oh yeah lives it's just this withering or you're
just a lazy Mexican
who doesn't clean up his pin his own yard I bet you got some this morning
though right a little
birthday a little somewhat you're gonna need to go beyond innuendo for me to
understand because I
didn't get nothing on my birthday no I got a pen a nice pen it was a nice pen
still cross pen yeah
they're a nice cross cross pen a birthday is good if it's sticking out of a
vagina
hey you can't say that but it's so you can't say that Wednesday wait the pinata
what was it
like Spongebob no it was what it was a burro you know a burro an authentic so
it was a real Spanish
pinata so we just make fun of your whole tradition when we go ahead man the Spongebob
one for the
seven-year-old Americanize the pinata if Mexicans grew up with the Spongebob's
they would use them
bring it to Raquel in the office and she's going to bring it to the classroom
okay so he brings it to
Raquel in the office and what does he tell the guard what does he tell the
guard when he gets there
he tells the guard that he gets to give his backpacks to Raquel okay look at
him
her dad forgot to give her her backpack and he tells us to bring it to the
office and she'll bring it
okay
he'll probably just sign a pass or whatever
write us yeah the slide so pack me okay look all right I'm really sorry about
that yeah I know she must
get on nuts
she's freaking out and she wouldn't let me leave the classroom and she's saying
no I want it before you leave
she was worried about not having water and you know I had to buy her a bottle
of water
I know I know thank you I'm really sorry and I'll call you after radio all
right bye
oh wow oh dude that's hysterical I think Lou's apologizing she didn't seem like
she was like all right have fun
no she's okay now yes you can tell I it's I think a lot of it is me I think I
oh I think I feel I fill
in a lot of blanks with guilt because I'm listening to you she was just quiet
she didn't say it's okay
last time I talked to her so I'm like mad but but she did have to explain to
you the misery of the
whole thing and how she had to get out of the water and how she was crying and
everything yeah
that's just oh that was good she didn't say me that I like that and no happy
birthday no there's not
no I love oh by the way happy no I love you you were looking at Pat Duffy
though
and laughing I'm laughing that this is the guy dude he's got his forearm tat
yeah he's wearing his his uh a
honest Abe Lincoln beard yeah his Amish beard oh yeah he's got a Frank the tank
shirt on with a picture of a
tank on it so you're going to an elementary school to deliver a pink Hello
Kitty backpack yeah
kindergartner right now yes yeah need to go you need to see a woman named
Rachel he's taking it to
Raquel okay Kelly no yeah you are listening oh my god you are listening your
wife is right I
suddenly her point of view Lou is an idiot I didn't hear a word of it he'd be
looking for this Rachel I
need to find Rachel they're like locking down the school hiding the Rachel's
that go there he's going
every corner Rachel Rachel I've got your back back a lot of people pointing out
that you're a beaten man
on this is a feedback loop oh that conversation is just like yeah I know uh-huh
what were you hearing
in your brain during that conversation you know what white noise or not Raquel
the Charlie Brown's
teacher she was being pretty nice yeah uh considering that it's my birthday and
I didn't do
anything wrong really and I just made a mistake and I'm rectifying it yeah you're
fixing during all
that she was being pretty nice well you said you were sorry twice and like why
are you sorry little
like it wasn't I know I could hear her talking it wasn't like she was bitching
at you she was like
yeah she would you know how she just freaks out like they were preemptive I'm
sorry's yeah well
they were from before from the way she sounded last time I told you they were
owed I would never
apologize like that I would just be angry back yeah well you can't get through
you know oh you're
probably right Jimmy rolls yeah that's how you act with a girlfriend who you
know there's no stakes
except PUSS I'll leave the last one off for saving yeah not true yeah no you
got it all right it's like
the UN it's there's some I'm trying to get a diplomatic oh my god he's gonna
wear it look he's wearing it
he's wearing it oh god oh god that's kind of gross it's been fouled now it's
like a guy wearing your
daughter's panties oh yeah he fouled it let me see the back of that what is it
hello kid oh it is a
little hello kitty all right there's adorable to get it off the pal talk that's
enough exploitation but
the most disgusting show on the face of my beautiful little daughter I know and
her and her bad day
their little hello kitty backpack yeah can we go through the backpack see what's
in there no I told
you this tonight I told you what's in there yeah there's the water bottle here
turn around you see
the pink water bottle yeah it's adorable it's and it's all sparkly that's nice
it's got little
sparkles on it I picked it out with her it's way too big for her is it yeah it
looks pretty big I did
I it was a real father's job of picking something out for his daughter yeah and
uh my wife was like
oh it's awful big and then the teacher said that's really big oh you you
screwed up yeah completely what
did you think I mean look it fits him fits Pat Duffy actually use that it's so
practical for him
if your daughter starts selling encyclopedias she can carry them all next thing
yeah I know she's two
encyclopedias she's five but anyway all right and if she takes a time machine
back to the 50s
sells encyclopedias that's actually people still do that door to door do they
no of course not they
don't no nobody does all right Pat how far of a uh don't tell exactly where it
is or anything
like in a rate you know miles about four miles by the time you get there
school's gonna be over I know it's kindergarten don't they go for 45 minutes
three it's a whole
day wow yeah it's a major that's rough totally it's a massive difference that's
more time for
you I went for like 10 minutes she's been home every day I mean if she went to
preschool but it was like
you go you drop her off and then you turn around you go home you take a dump
and go back and go yeah
that's all it was oh she just started kindergarten she started kindergarten his
last uh Tuesday had she do
a first day with it being so long it was just till 11. oh they kind of second
day was ease
them into it until 3 30. at 11 was she like hey what's the deal well she was
happy she liked it they
did a few fun things and then she grew up all at once in one phone call to me
because I called her
and said how was your first long day and she always just says oh you know fun
nothing yeah she says I
don't like lunch and I don't like recess wow and I go why well at lunch the
teacher's not there I'm
just at a table and which imagine that and then she goes and at recess all the
kids I know run away
and play and play and I don't know where they go oh I just walk around and
watch other kids play and I
don't and then I get sad oh that is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my
life oh my heart broken
too I wanted to kill myself why should have she just now she likes it she had a
few days and she found
it because she needed her go up to a kid I was having trouble with it punch him
because she's having
memories that I remember now oh till now when she was you know when they're
three you're like so what she
won't remember this you know they punch her in the face it doesn't matter we're
gonna wipe the hard
drive in a minute it starts recording at five yeah five you press record you
know you make a really
good point I don't remember anything before kindergarten no they had it nothing
nothing
mattered but now she's gonna have real memories but so I said to her try going
up to one of the kids
before recess recess is crazy nobody's gonna listen to you right go up to a kid
early
of the day and say can you tell me where you're gonna play later so I can be
there and I realized
I'm doing what my dad used to give me way too grown up this is like office
politics advice I'm giving her
yeah she's in kindergarten she's gonna go excuse me um Tiana um could you let
me know where you guys
are planning to play so that I can uh interface with you because when I got but
I got beat up in
school and my dad told made me memorize a speech that I was supposed to give to
the kids that used to pick
on me wow it was a whole thing of you must respect me as your equal oh I am not
that must have worked
really well you know I have I have a right to my own integrity as a person and
he made me memorize it
and say it back to him a bunch of times who's your father the president that's
like a presidential thing
yeah no my dad's out of his mind did it work at all I didn't do it then it just
became I have to make my
dad happy that he that I'm gonna say this I thought perhaps I'll never say it I
am I am owed my own space
my own dignity just as you what do you got for Louie oh you saved the best for
last good morning gentlemen
good morning Melissa I have been married for 10 years and um just recently I
started really changing my
viewpoint on that and listening to the show has been a big help and you in
particular I really um led me
in the right direction I just wanted to thank you so you want to get out of a
bad marriage sorry not
to say that she's yeah okay good cuz the Louie CK pretty much more or less yeah
you're helping people well
What was wrong with the marriage that you had to get out of it?
It just wasn't working.
I don't want to get too specific.
Do you have kids?
Vague. Keep it vague.
Do you have kids?
That's what I do.
Do you have kids?
No.
Oh, so, you know, fucking cares.
Did he ever hit you?
Was it physically abusive?
No.
What do you do wrong?
What are you, the Kramer versus Kramer lawyer?
Did he hit you at all?
Was he an alcoholic?
Did he blow his money?
Well, then I can see why you left him next witness.
I don't want to put blame on me.
You want the kid, don't you?
What makes a woman a better parent simply by virtue of her sex?
That was a great line from Kramer versus Kramer.
Infidelity.
Virtue of a sex.
I don't know who that was.
Infidelity.
Jerry Seinfeld.
That was good.
No, marriages are, sometimes they just stink.
Every fucking day stinks.
And then you stop talking about it because it's so bad that the only,
you can't communicate because the only communication would be,
honey, I'm not feeling so good about us.
I know because every day sucks and we should split up.
That's a hard thing to say out loud.
But there's nothing, you know, it's natural.
Why should things, nothing is going to just keep going except for Opie's
marriage.
Other than that, there's, it really is a happy marriage.
I really think marriages should be finite.
I really think they should, you should sign like a five-year, ten-year contract.
Oh, yeah.
I think so did.
You should be able to re-up.
Probably ruin your relationship with getting married.
Well, that's like when you, if you were to like do a ten-year, five-year,
I love you, I want to marry you for ten years.
And then around nine years, you start talking about,
do you want to keep doing this?
Renegotiate.
Do you want to re-up?
Well, then you could say, I'm not, here's why I'm not crazy about re-upping.
You could actually say it.
Yeah, yeah.
If you're nine years deep into a forever relationship,
you can't even talk about the problems because there's so much at stake.
But if you were at year nine, you'd be like, okay, here's what I hate about you.
If you could change 40% of these, I would hang in for another two, five, ten,
five years.
And then the other person goes, I don't want to change this.
I don't want to change this.
What a brilliant idea.
Well, because we're talking about changing marriage to be civil unions anyway,
to be a kind of civil union, by the way, is a prenuptial agreement.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
A prenuptial agreement is a civil union.
It's a court-based civil.
And thank God for those.
So you write those out.
No wonder you love that.
And then every marriage will become, I know.
Every marriage will become.
Actually, the men are talking.
Why don't you go grab some coffee for the boys?
Why don't you make some cookies?
I want to smoke cookie dough wafting out of the kitchen.
Yeah, me too.
You waddle around in your apron while the men talk.
Fucking drag your cunt into the fucking kitchen.
No, listen, I'm glad you got out of there.
It's not.
I'm only kidding, madam.
There's a lot of pressure on married people to stay together by people that
have no stake in it.
Yeah.
No, you got to hang in there.
You don't live in my fucking house, you know?
You don't know the misery.
No, and if you don't have kids, I don't even care.
I mean, if you don't have kids, you just broke up with your boyfriend.
You're dating, right.
Yeah, who gives a fuck?
It's meaningless.
There's no, you just.
It does become different when you become a father.
Yeah, that's shit, man.
Totally different.
Well, in any event, thank you, Lily.
Sure.
Bye, Melissa.

Louis C.K TRASHING His Ex-Wife

and your wife wasn't impressed you were saying yeah I came home and I showed
her
all these offers and it's good you guys are paying really good money like it's
I don't have a care of the comics yeah I don't have a TV job right now so that's
that's my income yeah and I showed it to her and she's like yeah great so you're
going out of town leaving me with the kids I'm like fuck you you know how much
money do you make what are you pulling in this week yeah would you rather
starve
to death and fucking let the kids get skinny you fucking ungrateful cunt now
the only way I know who doesn't listen XM she doesn't quite get the point that
you
know this is your job you don't yeah and I'm remembering the first time the
separation of labor it is that what it is the division of labor contract has
been
thrown away in marriage cuz I know where you're gonna go with this but I gotta
ask Louis CK yeah yeah like when you married your wife you were already in
comedy right I was so it's not like you were and spring it on her no it wasn't
like you're working for Nassau you had a nine-to-five job you're coming home
and
she knew what she was getting into that you'd be there to raise the kids you
when
you guys met she knew you were a road con yes yes but the way it's not even
that I go on the road the point is that I enjoy my job right so she thinks of
it
that because it's not like I'm going out and it's like she wishes I was doing a
miserable job and then she would be proud of me you come home I don't see
myself yeah in order to put a roof over the head but the fact that I do
something that I'm proud of that I love doing and but it still puts a roof over
the head but because women's liberation that because there are women that have
careers we're not allowed to say that we are providers anymore if you're a man
but
the fact is my wife lives off of my fucking work and doesn't do shit so if she
had a career then she could go yeah fuck you with your open Anthony tour I don't
care I'm I'm working to yeah I got mine the fact is she just eats food that I
buy
for her but I'm not allowed to point that out or else I'm a male chauvinist
like I'm
I'm being a like backwards pig by pointing out the fact which is that if I stop
doing
these fun tours where I might get blown by a whore or two that's that she can't
eat that
she can't eat anything because if she tried to start making a little as she's
worthless she
has no sense of she couldn't she could never support our house she couldn't do
it if we
switched places it would like some dumb sitcom yeah right the kids would be
very happy with
me because I'm good at taking care of the kids and be the fun guy hanging
around my wife would
be unable to fucking yeah hold down the job she's never done it really she
worked in a
Chinese restaurant for one week and the weight the the woman who owned it this
Chinese woman
he said to her how come you so slow oh she said cuz I'm busy how many tables
you have and she said I
have three tables and she said I think you may be no be waitress and she fired
her that's how you get
fired and Asian yeah by the way I think you know be waitress you maybe no be
waitress
yeah you should just stop in there maybe learn something happy birthday Lou oh
thanks for the next
one hi you and me both my friend must have been a nice birthday for a couple of
years September 12th
yeah oh yeah no way happy birthday hope did you know the tragedy September 10th
I I we had my birthday
party early because I was flying to LA on the door though the big one yeah and
I I flew the night
before to LA but we had a big birthday party for me in our backyard and I it my
wife got me a pinata
which we look at a traditional head of that pinata still hangs in our backyard
really it's just this
symbol of the last normal moment oh yeah lives it's just this withering or you're
just a lazy Mexican
who doesn't clean up his pin his own yard I bet you got some this morning
though right a little
birthday a little somewhat you're gonna need to go beyond innuendo for me to
understand because I
didn't get nothing on my birthday no I got a pen a nice pen it was a nice pen
still cross pen yeah
they're a nice cross cross pen a birthday is good if it's sticking out of a
vagina
hey you can't say that but it's so you can't say that Wednesday wait the pinata
what was it
like Spongebob no it was what it was a burro you know a burro an authentic so
it was a real Spanish
pinata so we just make fun of your whole tradition when we go ahead man the Spongebob
one for the
seven-year-old Americanize the pinata if Mexicans grew up with the Spongebob's
they would use them
bring it to Raquel in the office and she's going to bring it to the classroom
okay so he brings it to
Raquel in the office and what does he tell the guard what does he tell the
guard when he gets there
he tells the guard that he gets to give his backpacks to Raquel okay look at
him
her dad forgot to give her her backpack and he tells us to bring it to the
office and she'll bring it
okay
he'll probably just sign a pass or whatever
write us yeah the slide so pack me okay look all right I'm really sorry about
that yeah I know she must
get on nuts
she's freaking out and she wouldn't let me leave the classroom and she's saying
no I want it before you leave
she was worried about not having water and you know I had to buy her a bottle
of water
I know I know thank you I'm really sorry and I'll call you after radio all
right bye
oh wow oh dude that's hysterical I think Lou's apologizing she didn't seem like
she was like all right have fun
no she's okay now yes you can tell I it's I think a lot of it is me I think I
oh I think I feel I fill
in a lot of blanks with guilt because I'm listening to you she was just quiet
she didn't say it's okay
last time I talked to her so I'm like mad but but she did have to explain to
you the misery of the
whole thing and how she had to get out of the water and how she was crying and
everything yeah
that's just oh that was good she didn't say me that I like that and no happy
birthday no there's not
no I love oh by the way happy no I love you you were looking at Pat Duffy
though
and laughing I'm laughing that this is the guy dude he's got his forearm tat
yeah he's wearing his his uh a
honest Abe Lincoln beard yeah his Amish beard oh yeah he's got a Frank the tank
shirt on with a picture of a
tank on it so you're going to an elementary school to deliver a pink Hello
Kitty backpack yeah
kindergartner right now yes yeah need to go you need to see a woman named
Rachel he's taking it to
Raquel okay Kelly no yeah you are listening oh my god you are listening your
wife is right I
suddenly her point of view Lou is an idiot I didn't hear a word of it he'd be
looking for this Rachel I
need to find Rachel they're like locking down the school hiding the Rachel's
that go there he's going
every corner Rachel Rachel I've got your back back a lot of people pointing out
that you're a beaten man
on this is a feedback loop oh that conversation is just like yeah I know uh-huh
what were you hearing
in your brain during that conversation you know what white noise or not Raquel
the Charlie Brown's
teacher she was being pretty nice yeah uh considering that it's my birthday and
I didn't do
anything wrong really and I just made a mistake and I'm rectifying it yeah you're
fixing during all
that she was being pretty nice well you said you were sorry twice and like why
are you sorry little
like it wasn't I know I could hear her talking it wasn't like she was bitching
at you she was like
yeah she would you know how she just freaks out like they were preemptive I'm
sorry's yeah well
they were from before from the way she sounded last time I told you they were
owed I would never
apologize like that I would just be angry back yeah well you can't get through
you know oh you're
probably right Jimmy rolls yeah that's how you act with a girlfriend who you
know there's no stakes
except PUSS I'll leave the last one off for saving yeah not true yeah no you
got it all right it's like
the UN it's there's some I'm trying to get a diplomatic oh my god he's gonna
wear it look he's wearing it
he's wearing it oh god oh god that's kind of gross it's been fouled now it's
like a guy wearing your
daughter's panties oh yeah he fouled it let me see the back of that what is it
hello kid oh it is a
little hello kitty all right there's adorable to get it off the pal talk that's
enough exploitation but
the most disgusting show on the face of my beautiful little daughter I know and
her and her bad day
their little hello kitty backpack yeah can we go through the backpack see what's
in there no I told
you this tonight I told you what's in there yeah there's the water bottle here
turn around you see
the pink water bottle yeah it's adorable it's and it's all sparkly that's nice
it's got little
sparkles on it I picked it out with her it's way too big for her is it yeah it
looks pretty big I did
I it was a real father's job of picking something out for his daughter yeah and
uh my wife was like
oh it's awful big and then the teacher said that's really big oh you you
screwed up yeah completely what
did you think I mean look it fits him fits Pat Duffy actually use that it's so
practical for him
if your daughter starts selling encyclopedias she can carry them all next thing
yeah I know she's two
encyclopedias she's five but anyway all right and if she takes a time machine
back to the 50s
sells encyclopedias that's actually people still do that door to door do they
no of course not they
don't no nobody does all right Pat how far of a uh don't tell exactly where it
is or anything
like in a rate you know miles about four miles by the time you get there
school's gonna be over I know it's kindergarten don't they go for 45 minutes
three it's a whole
day wow yeah it's a major that's rough totally it's a massive difference that's
more time for
you I went for like 10 minutes she's been home every day I mean if she went to
preschool but it was like
you go you drop her off and then you turn around you go home you take a dump
and go back and go yeah
that's all it was oh she just started kindergarten she started kindergarten his
last uh Tuesday had she do
a first day with it being so long it was just till 11. oh they kind of second
day was ease
them into it until 3 30. at 11 was she like hey what's the deal well she was
happy she liked it they
did a few fun things and then she grew up all at once in one phone call to me
because I called her
and said how was your first long day and she always just says oh you know fun
nothing yeah she says I
don't like lunch and I don't like recess wow and I go why well at lunch the
teacher's not there I'm
just at a table and which imagine that and then she goes and at recess all the
kids I know run away
and play and play and I don't know where they go oh I just walk around and
watch other kids play and I
don't and then I get sad oh that is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my
life oh my heart broken
too I wanted to kill myself why should have she just now she likes it she had a
few days and she found
it because she needed her go up to a kid I was having trouble with it punch him
because she's having
memories that I remember now oh till now when she was you know when they're
three you're like so what she
won't remember this you know they punch her in the face it doesn't matter we're
gonna wipe the hard
drive in a minute it starts recording at five yeah five you press record you
know you make a really
good point I don't remember anything before kindergarten no they had it nothing
nothing
mattered but now she's gonna have real memories but so I said to her try going
up to one of the kids
before recess recess is crazy nobody's gonna listen to you right go up to a kid
early
of the day and say can you tell me where you're gonna play later so I can be
there and I realized
I'm doing what my dad used to give me way too grown up this is like office
politics advic