Name: Louis C.K on Being Married
Uploaded: 2022-10-16T15:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K on Being Married' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K on Being Married' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-16. Transcript available.

And then I go home to my wife, and it's like coming back from Vietnam, I don't
relate to my family anymore.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm Bruce Dern, fucking taking off my clothes and walking into the ocean.
I just fucking can't relate to society.
Sell the car, sell the house, sell the kids.
Send that letter.
That Kurtz letter.
Just less and less able to fucking...
Colonel CK.
Colonel CK.
Yeah.
Nothing to say to her.
Oh, damn.
My wife is like fucking an astronaut's wife with a shaky cigarette in her hand.
He's fine.
We all love him here.
Very proud.
When was the last time you saw your family?
You've been on the road for a while, right?
Yeah, well, this morning, I'm in New York, we're all in the city, so I saw my
family this morning.
My wife came into the city only because we had to go to couples therapy, so she
brought the kids.
Today?
We went yesterday.
You ever just yank your cock out and say, why don't you toot on this for a few
minutes?
That's how you gotta do it, man, as a married guy.
Holy shit, that's a great idea.
How's that working out?
If I did that, she would just do whatever she was doing.
She wouldn't even look.
We don't look at each other.
If I took out my dick and said, why don't you toot on this for a while, she'd
keep whatever fucking emailing.
She'd be looking at whatever real estate, wherever she wants to live when she
leaves me.
She'd be like, I'm sorry, did you say something?
And the counseling is obviously her idea.
Oh no, I wanted to go.
You went for it.
Yeah.
I'm the one who said I wanted to go.
This fucking guy is, we did it last time we went, it was a double session.
It was $800.
Wow.
$800.
What does he do, eat both your assholes while he talks to you?
Jesus.
That's.
$800.
Wow.
Is it doing anything?
Oh, it's great.
Everything's great.
It's great.
Everything's great.
Worth every penny.
It's fantastic.
Great, great, great.
$400 a person?
Well, it's $400 an hour.
He don't bring it up by the person.
Oh, you go two hours.
Yeah, it's couples.
It's a driving movie.
He puts her in the trunk before he drives.
There's only one person here.
Listen up, honey.
Is there anything you could share from those get-togethers?
Well, no.
Not anything about us.
The guy, though, the first day, he's telling us about other couples to give you
comparisons.
And he's like, hey, I know a couple.
Because I'm on the road a lot and I work a lot.
So he's like, it's hard for people with careers.
I know a couple.
She's a lawyer and he's a sports writer.
Right away, I'm like, I can Google that.
Make some connections.
Yeah, really.
I can figure that one out.
And he's like, while he's covering March Madness.
He's a lawyer.
He's a sports writer.
And then he goes, well, he's covering March Madness.
And she's lecturing about pornography and law around the couple.
So I'm like, I know who these people are.
I can figure it out in 10 seconds.
Why are you telling me this?
The next couple's going to come in and he goes, I know a couple.
I know a couple.
He's on the stars in Lucky Louie.
Lucky Louie.
The first initial and his name are L-O-U-I.
Fucking douche.
That's got to be something, though.
You ever sitting there and listen to a therapist or something and go like, he
doesn't get this at all?
No.
Well, the thing is, what happens in therapy is you really say the shit.
It's only because my wife, I know she doesn't have XM in the car she's in that
I can say this.
The other day she pointed at my head and said, I hate him.
Oh, at the head.
Yeah, at my head.
Oh, yeah.
So here's the thing.
You get in there and you fucking have it out.
You say everything.
And then you get addicted to that.
And you can say outside of the therapist's office, you can say nothing.
Like, outside of the therapist's office, we're just, like, at home, we're just,
like, just bullshit talking about, you know, what did Rosie O'Donnell say today?
Like, we can't, but if we start talking about anything real, it gets lightning
rotted to what we fucking have said to each other.
And if he's not there, we're going to kill each other.
Wow.
So we can only talk for one hour a week.
She said, I hate him?
And we spend all the other hours of the week in this strange avoidance.
If we were in a boxing ring during the week, people would be whistling and
throwing paper.
Wow.
Do something.
And then for that one hour, oh, yeah, motherfucker, it gets hot in there.
I don't know how far we can take this, but why do you guys hate each other?
Or can you discuss that?
What did you think when she said, I hate you?
What did you feel when she said, I hate you?
I hate you, too.
Is it just over time, slowly but surely, the relationship broke down?
Or is this, was there a...
Oh, we got two kids.
I think it's like this for almost any marriage except for that we have...
The thing is, we have a traditional marriage.
I make all the money, and she raises the kids.
But we have a traditional marriage in 2007, which means that you can't just say
that.
Not traditional.
No, I don't get to say, I bring home the bacon.
Right.
You watch the kids.
You fry it up in a pan.
Yeah, it doesn't work like that.
I bring home the bacon, I fry it up in the pan.
I feed it to the kids, and if I mention that I pay the bills, I'm a fucking
asshole.
Like, I'm a piece of shit for, like...
Wow.
Like, somehow I'm being prehistoric if I'm...
But it's true that I pay the...
You know?
Yeah.
So it's hard.
Like, marriage is harder now, I think, than it ever, ever has been.
And it's not...
Like, this guy, he wrote a book, the guy we're going to, and it's all about how
it's hard
for marriage now because the women work.
My wife doesn't fucking work, so...
So your theory of your book goes out the fucking window.
It's hard, but mostly it's because when you have kids, it's hard to fuck
anymore, and you
also care about your kids far more than you care about your spouse.
I don't give a...
I mean, my kids are my life now.
I really don't give a shit about her.
I really don't, because how could I next to my kids?
I'm laughing, because I'm fucking stunned.
It's just like a stunning thing to...
The honesty...
The honesty...
Well, it's true.
If our kids...
Look, I've got a lot of history with my wife, and there's a lot...
It's a complicated relationship, and I feel...
I couldn't...
You know, I feel a lot of push and pull in many directions, and I'm fighting
really hard
to save it.
We're in therapy, and my whole life right now is focused on saving our
relationship and
getting it back to somewhere good.
Oh, but do you want to say...
So it's the biggest deal in my life.
But if my kids weren't here, I wouldn't even call her to say goodbye.
I'd just walk...
I just fucking...
I wouldn't leave a note.
I would just stop being near her fucking cancerous body.
So you're obviously...
That's the way you do it, Louie.
Fucking cancerous body.
You're saving it for the kids, then.
Totally.
100%.
That's why I'm so glad I never had kids.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Because the whole thing you're talking about, like, I used to get ragged on for
not doing
things around the house.
I had these set chores to do.
There weren't much.
But it was like, why I'm going out...
It's a new career for me, doing radio.
I'm really, like, learning the trade at the time.
This was, you know, years ago.
And she's not working, and I'm bringing home the money.
And believe me, a lot more money than I was when we were both working, and I
was knocking
tin.
Yeah.
But then...
Well, the money you brought in, just to help you out a little bit, gave her the
luxury
of not having to work at home.
Yeah, not having to work.
Right.
So...
Which is kind of key, I think, to the whole thing.
But then there'd be these little chores I would have.
Like, I'd have to take out the garbage, and it was my job to vacuum.
And, like, if I didn't do it, I would be ragged on.
Like, I remember my mother fucking yelling at me for not vacuuming.
No, and the thing is, to me, if you don't have kids, I don't get any of it.
And that was it.
If you're married, and you don't have children, and you have a bad week, get
the fuck out.
Why the fuck would you save a marriage that's stressful?
Right.
When you have kids, that's everything.
You can't...
You've got to stay together for the kids, because you've got to be...
It's not even that they need to have two parents to be together.
It's just that you want to be there for your children, because you fucking care
about them.
But it's...
You've got to look at it on the other side.
Like, the thing about having kids, too, is that...
Spend one day, if you have kids, spend one full day with them where you're...
Like, every time I give my wife a break, I fucking totally realize what she's
going through.
It's fucking murder.
You want to kill everybody in the world.
When you're alone with kids, and you don't have...
I mean, I have a job.
Even when I'm taking care of the kids, I fucking got my computer on my knee,
and I'm working.
Like, I'm fucking writing a movie.
Yeah, you're still working.
Yeah, I'll call just to make myself feel okay about the fucking trap that
children feel like on a given day.
I'll call my manager and just say, what's going on?
And he'll be like, well, we just booked another own A date in Camden.
Oh, good.
You know, go read a story to my daughter.
You know what I mean?
Because I'm not sitting in a room reading fucking The Happy Hen, and nothing
else is going on.
I've got a show I just booked in Camden.
I'm put on my website.
There's people talking about me around the country.
Yeah.
Buying tickets to my shows.
Ordering my DVDs on Amazon.
That helps me sit in a room and read to my boring little kids.
Kids are...
But my wife has fucking nothing.
Except to focus on what a piece of shit I am.
Her dropping, come into her and making people that have ruined her life.
That's all she's got.
So I actually completely see her side to it.
We are...
And what we found out in therapy is that we're trapped and that it's neither of
our fault.
So how...
But that doesn't make us go, oh, okay.
The only solution is killing the children.
Yeah, that's it.
Throwing them into a garbage can and letting them die next to a rat in a milk
carton.
And you two just, like, spur of the moment, laughing, heading off to the
Caribbean.
Oh, my God.
We'd have a ball.
Just having fun like the old days.
I actually think if, like, when I picture that, if we got rid of the kids, I
would walk out the door.
Actually, what I'd do is fuck her face and we'd probably get a little crazy.
Why don't you, uh...
Why don't you guys go on vacation again?
Leave the kids with one of your parents for a few days?
And seriously, go away for a few days.
I mean, I want to punch you in the face for a second.
Is that bad?
Oh, shit.
Is that bad?
I don't know.
It's just so complicated.
One of them, she's still breastfeeding the kid who's two.
Can't get the kid away from her.
Not bad?
No, it's a mess.
Never do that.
Hey, hey.
Never do that.
Wow, man.
That's like walking up to a guy in a concentration camp and going, why don't
you just take a little
trip somewhere and get out of here?
If you don't like it here...
Yeah, yeah.
Why are you hanging around?
No, but you can't give them to, like, your parents or something like that.
Because there's Nazis that will shoot me in the face if I leave.
Two's too young to leave.
Wow, man.
Yeah, two.
No, we can't leave the kids.
Let's go to Minnesota, I think.
Chris, what's up?
Hey, love you, love your show.
Thank you.
Hey, Louie, I completely agree.
To me, I think I'm just a dick for my wife.
You know?
I'm just a dick at a house.
Well, that one lost steam faster than you expected.
Yeah, I know.
He might admit that he doesn't care about his wife, either.
No, to me, I'm just a dick to the wife.
Hey, Jimmy, got a question for you.
I'm sorry I did that.
I'm embarrassed that I did that.
I did that.
Who is that?
That's fine.
His apology.
Hey, Dave, he's in now for embarrassing phone calls.
Let's try to get this back on the rails.
Yeah, go ahead, Dave.
Oh, no, Louie, you're absolutely spot on.
Same predicament here.
You just go numb, man.
But I'm at the point where I couldn't give a fuck if my wife went out and got
filled up
with somebody else's cock custard.
I'm done.
Don't give a shit, man.
Just holding on, waiting for the kids to graduate.
Get the fuck out, man.
I had my job.
Oh, no.
If my wife cheated on me, it would change nothing.
Yeah.
You wouldn't leave her?
It would be leverage for just the little things during the day.
That's all it would be.
You wouldn't leave her?
No, because I can't.
I got plenty of reasons to do it now.
I got kids.
We want to stay together.
We want to have the kids.
And you know, the thing is, the complex thing about it is that we share the
kids,
and that makes us happy together.
Like, we, as parents, we're fucking the best friends in the world.
We watch our kids do fun shit, and it's hugely rewarding to the two of us.
That's your common denominator there.
Yeah, exactly.
So, like, we'll be hissing at each other.
I hate you.
I'll never suck your dick again.
Fuck you.
You whole fucking heart.
Oh, look.
Oh, look what she did.
Oh, my God.
Oh, isn't that cute?
So, we do, but that joy that we share with the kids, totally real,
and it's actually making life worth living.
So, that's the thing that's complicated about it.
When I picture leaving, I'm not only sad to think of not being with my kids
every day,
which I am, I'm also sad about her.
She's part of that.
She's part of our...
You won't be able to share that with her.
No, and that's bigger.
And actually, you know, look, I'm almost 40.
My dick is finally starting to get 8% less hard than it used to be.
So, like, the fucking joy of having a family is starting to outweigh the sex a
little bit.
And that's kind of sad, because it's like, you know,
I'm not going to care that nobody fucks me in a couple of years.
Dude, I think...
Wow, that makes me want to kill myself.
You want to do it when she's laying there sleeping?
Start eating her ass like a fucking loon.
Go in there and start eating her ass.
She'll be like, this loo is...
She sleeps with the fucking children.
So, I have to move my baby to the side.
Go like this, if the kid looks at you, he goes...
He inadvertently sticks his face in the baby's ass.

Louis C.K on Being Married

And then I go home to my wife, and it's like coming back from Vietnam, I don't
relate to my family anymore.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm Bruce Dern, fucking taking off my clothes and walking into the ocean.
I just fucking can't relate to society.
Sell the car, sell the house, sell the kids.
Send that letter.
That Kurtz letter.
Just less and less able to fucking...
Colonel CK.
Colonel CK.
Yeah.
Nothing to say to her.
Oh, damn.
My wife is like fucking an astronaut's wife with a shaky cigarette in her hand.
He's fine.
We all love him here.
Very proud.
When was the last time you saw your family?
You've been on the road for a while, right?
Yeah, well, this morning, I'm in New York, we're all in the city, so I saw my
family this morning.
My wife came into the city only because we had to go to couples therapy, so she
brought the kids.
Today?
We went yesterday.
You ever just yank your cock out and say, why don't you toot on this for a few
minutes?
That's how you gotta do it, man, as a married guy.
Holy shit, that's a great idea.
How's that working out?
If I did that, she would just do whatever she was doing.
She wouldn't even look.
We don't look at each other.
If I took out my dick and said, why don't you toot on this for a while, she'd
keep whatever fucking emailing.
She'd be looking at whatever real estate, wherever she wants to live when she
leaves me.
She'd be like, I'm sorry, did you say something?
And the counseling is obviously her idea.
Oh no, I wanted to go.
You went for it.
Yeah.
I'm the one who said I wanted to go.
This fucking guy is, we did it last time we went, it was a double session.
It was $800.
Wow.
$800.
What does he do, eat both your assholes while he talks to you?
Jesus.
That's.
$800.
Wow.
Is it doing anything?
Oh, it's great.
Everything's great.
It's great.
Everything's great.
Worth every penny.
It's fantastic.
Great, great, great.
$400 a person?
Well, it's $400 an hour.
He don't bring it up by the person.
Oh, you go two hours.
Yeah, it's couples.
It's a driving movie.
He puts her in the trunk before he drives.
There's only one person here.
Listen up, honey.
Is there anything you could share from those get-togethers?
Well, no.
Not anything about us.
The guy, though, the first day, he's telling us about other couples to give you
comparisons.
And he's like, hey, I know a couple.
Because I'm on the road a lot and I work a lot.
So he's like, it's hard for people with careers.
I know a couple.
She's a lawyer and he's a sports writer.
Right away, I'm like, I can Google that.
Make some connections.
Yeah, really.
I can figure that one out.
And he's like, while he's covering March Madness.
He's a lawyer.
He's a sports writer.
And then he goes, well, he's covering March Madness.
And she's lecturing about pornography and law around the couple.
So I'm like, I know who these people are.
I can figure it out in 10 seconds.
Why are you telling me this?
The next couple's going to come in and he goes, I know a couple.
I know a couple.
He's on the stars in Lucky Louie.
Lucky Louie.
The first initial and his name are L-O-U-I.
Fucking douche.
That's got to be something, though.
You ever sitting there and listen to a therapist or something and go like, he
doesn't get this at all?
No.
Well, the thing is, what happens in therapy is you really say the shit.
It's only because my wife, I know she doesn't have XM in the car she's in that
I can say this.
The other day she pointed at my head and said, I hate him.
Oh, at the head.
Yeah, at my head.
Oh, yeah.
So here's the thing.
You get in there and you fucking have it out.
You say everything.
And then you get addicted to that.
And you can say outside of the therapist's office, you can say nothing.
Like, outside of the therapist's office, we're just, like, at home, we're just,
like, just bullshit talking about, you know, what did Rosie O'Donnell say today?
Like, we can't, but if we start talking about anything real, it gets lightning
rotted to what we fucking have said to each other.
And if he's not there, we're going to kill each other.
Wow.
So we can only talk for one hour a week.
She said, I hate him?
And we spend all the other hours of the week in this strange avoidance.
If we were in a boxing ring during the week, people would be whistling and
throwing paper.
Wow.
Do something.
And then for that one hour, oh, yeah, motherfucker, it gets hot in there.
I don't know how far we can take this, but why do you guys hate each other?
Or can you discuss that?
What did you think when she said, I hate you?
What did you feel when she said, I hate you?
I hate you, too.
Is it just over time, slowly but surely, the relationship broke down?
Or is this, was there a...
Oh, we got two kids.
I think it's like this for almost any marriage except for that we have...
The thing is, we have a traditional marriage.
I make all the money, and she raises the kids.
But we have a traditional marriage in 2007, which means that you can't just say
that.
Not traditional.
No, I don't get to say, I bring home the bacon.
Right.
You watch the kids.
You fry it up in a pan.
Yeah, it doesn't work like that.
I bring home the bacon, I fry it up in the pan.
I feed it to the kids, and if I mention that I pay the bills, I'm a fucking
asshole.
Like, I'm a piece of shit for, like...
Wow.
Like, somehow I'm being prehistoric if I'm...
But it's true that I pay the...
You know?
Yeah.
So it's hard.
Like, marriage is harder now, I think, than it ever, ever has been.
And it's not...
Like, this guy, he wrote a book, the guy we're going to, and it's all about how
it's hard
for marriage now because the women work.
My wife doesn't fucking work, so...
So your theory of your book goes out the fucking window.
It's hard, but mostly it's because when you have kids, it's hard to fuck
anymore, and you
also care about your kids far more than you care about your spouse.
I don't give a...
I mean, my kids are my life now.
I really don't give a shit about her.
I really don't, because how could I next to my kids?
I'm laughing, because I'm fucking stunned.
It's just like a stunning thing to...
The honesty...
The honesty...
Well, it's true.
If our kids...
Look, I've got a lot of history with my wife, and there's a lot...
It's a complicated relationship, and I feel...
I couldn't...
You know, I feel a lot of push and pull in many directions, and I'm fighting
really hard
to save it.
We're in therapy, and my whole life right now is focused on saving our
relationship and
getting it back to somewhere good.
Oh, but do you want to say...
So it's the biggest deal in my life.
But if my kids weren't here, I wouldn't even call her to say goodbye.
I'd just walk...
I just fucking...
I wouldn't leave a note.
I would just stop being near her fucking cancerous body.
So you're obviously...
That's the way you do it, Louie.
Fucking cancerous body.
You're saving it for the kids, then.
Totally.
100%.
That's why I'm so glad I never had kids.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Because the whole thing you're talking about, like, I used to get ragged on for
not doing
things around the house.
I had these set chores to do.
There weren't much.
But it was like, why I'm going out...
It's a new career for me, doing radio.
I'm really, like, learning the trade at the time.
This was, you know, years ago.
And she's not working, and I'm bringing home the money.
And believe me, a lot more money than I was when we were both working, and I
was knocking
tin.
Yeah.
But then...
Well, the money you brought in, just to help you out a little bit, gave her the
luxury
of not having to work at home.
Yeah, not having to work.
Right.
So...
Which is kind of key, I think, to the whole thing.
But then there'd be these little chores I would have.
Like, I'd have to take out the garbage, and it was my job to vacuum.
And, like, if I didn't do it, I would be ragged on.
Like, I remember my mother fucking yelling at me for not vacuuming.
No, and the thing is, to me, if you don't have kids, I don't get any of it.
And that was it.
If you're married, and you don't have children, and you have a bad week, get
the fuck out.
Why the fuck would you save a marriage that's stressful?
Right.
When you have kids, that's everything.
You can't...
You've got to stay together for the kids, because you've got to be...
It's not even that they need to have two parents to be together.
It's just that you want to be there for your children, because you fucking care
about them.
But it's...
You've got to look at it on the other side.
Like, the thing about having kids, too, is that...
Spend one day, if you have kids, spend one full day with them where you're...
Like, every time I give my wife a break, I fucking totally realize what she's
going through.
It's fucking murder.
You want to kill everybody in the world.
When you're alone with kids, and you don't have...
I mean, I have a job.
Even when I'm taking care of the kids, I fucking got my computer on my knee,
and I'm working.
Like, I'm fucking writing a movie.
Yeah, you're still working.
Yeah, I'll call just to make myself feel okay about the fucking trap that
children feel like on a given day.
I'll call my manager and just say, what's going on?
And he'll be like, well, we just booked another own A date in Camden.
Oh, good.
You know, go read a story to my daughter.
You know what I mean?
Because I'm not sitting in a room reading fucking The Happy Hen, and nothing
else is going on.
I've got a show I just booked in Camden.
I'm put on my website.
There's people talking about me around the country.
Yeah.
Buying tickets to my shows.
Ordering my DVDs on Amazon.
That helps me sit in a room and read to my boring little kids.
Kids are...
But my wife has fucking nothing.
Except to focus on what a piece of shit I am.
Her dropping, come into her and making people that have ruined her life.
That's all she's got.
So I actually completely see her side to it.
We are...
And what we found out in therapy is that we're trapped and that it's neither of
our fault.
So how...
But that doesn't make us go, oh, okay.
The only solution is killing the children.
Yeah, that's it.
Throwing them into a garbage can and letting them die next to a rat in a milk
carton.
And you two just, like, spur of the moment, laughing, heading off to the
Caribbean.
Oh, my God.
We'd have a ball.
Just having fun like the old days.
I actually think if, like, when I picture that, if we got rid of the kids, I
would walk out the door.
Actually, what I'd do is fuck her face and we'd probably get a little crazy.
Why don't you, uh...
Why don't you guys go on vacation again?
Leave the kids with one of your parents for a few days?
And seriously, go away for a few days.
I mean, I want to punch you in the face for a second.
Is that bad?
Oh, shit.
Is that bad?
I don't know.
It's just so complicated.
One of them, she's still breastfeeding the kid who's two.
Can't get the kid away from her.
Not bad?
No, it's a mess.
Never do that.
Hey, hey.
Never do that.
Wow, man.
That's like walking up to a guy in a concentration camp and going, why don't
you just take a little
trip somewhere and get out of here?
If you don't like it here...
Yeah, yeah.
Why are you hanging around?
No, but you can't give them to, like, your parents or something like that.
Because there's Nazis that will shoot me in the face if I leave.
Two's too young to leave.
Wow, man.
Yeah, two.
No, we can't leave the kids.
Let's go to Minnesota, I think.
Chris, what's up?
Hey, love you, love your show.
Thank you.
Hey, Louie, I completely agree.
To me, I think I'm just a dick for my wife.
You know?
I'm just a dick at a house.
Well, that one lost steam faster than you expected.
Yeah, I know.
He might admit that he doesn't care about his wife, either.
No, to me, I'm just a dick to the wife.
Hey, Jimmy, got a question for you.
I'm sorry I did that.
I'm embarrassed that I did that.
I did that.
Who is that?
That's fine.
His apology.
Hey, Dave, he's in now for embarrassing phone calls.
Let's try to get this back on the rails.
Yeah, go ahead, Dave.
Oh, no, Louie, you're absol