Name: Louis C.K - Old Stand Up Comedy
Uploaded: 2023-01-13T22:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Old Stand Up Comedy' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Old Stand Up Comedy' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-13. Transcript available.

Hello everybody. How are you? Good. I'm doing well. I had a good day today. I
went to the movies, and you know, before the movie now, they show you that
whole presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the
internet because you're hurting all the people that work on the movies. They
need to feed their families. So you shouldn't download movies on the internet.
And I thought, holy shit, I had no idea. I just didn't know you could download
movies on the internet.
That is great news. I'm going to download all of them. I went to the park today.
I like going to the park because I can masturbate without my wife bothering me.
So I'm at the park, and there's these no drinking signs. And it doesn't say no
drinking. It has a picture of like a martini glass with a lion through it. Are
those really the people causing the problems with the drinking in the parks?
Shouldn't it be like a bottle in a bag with a lion through it? Are there guys
out there at three in the morning going, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, yeah, my wife and I got in a big fight today because she says I don't
listen to her, and I don't. But it's not because I don't love her, blah, blah,
blah. It's because she sucks at talking.
I swear to God. She sucks at it. When she starts telling this story, it
immediately turns into another, like, she takes every story and divides it into
50 stories that each branch out into encyclopedias about other stories.
And I try because I love her. When she starts talking, I'm like, I'm locked in.
I'm going to listen to the whole thing.
But somehow I just, I can't, I drift. I can't do it.
Every story, she's like, oh, you know when my sister was in college? Not when
she went to Antioch. You know how she transferred because of that, you know,
because that guy that got weird?
Not the little guy. The guy with the beard. You know, the thing, I think he was
arranged. What are you talking about?
Pick a thing!
That's what I do. I go, here's the story when I tell it. I bought a tomato, and
I ate it, and it was good.
Anyone can follow that story. It was about a tomato the whole time.
No, she's great.
She is. I love her. I mean, without her, I'd be living under a bridge somewhere.
God, that would be great. How great that would be.
I would love that.
We have a baby, and, oh my God.
When you have a baby, everything changes.
And people tell you, they go, your whole life is going to change.
And they were right.
I think the biggest difference between my life now and before we had the baby
is that now we have a baby.
We have a baby.
You know, that's a huge responsibility.
You've got to not leave him outside.
You've got a lot of stuff you've got to take care of.
Constantly.
No, it's great, though.
My father told me when I was a kid, he said,
you're not going to know what it is to be a real man until you hold a tiny baby
in your arms.
And I didn't understand that then, but I do now,
because I held my baby in my arms, and I felt like a real man, you know?
Because I could crush that.
You know, uh...
It's hard raising a baby, because, you know, they're crazy.
They're out of their minds.
It was Easter, okay?
And we're painting eggs, and so she broke an egg.
So, of course, she's going to cry about that like a bitch for, like, half an
hour.
So, and I go, it's okay, honey.
It's just an egg.
And I give her another one, and she threw it at me.
And then she just starts throwing eggs.
And we're trying to stop her.
We have, like, this rule that we can't say anything negative to her.
So we're trying to stop her from throwing eggs without saying any negative.
Like, oh, how about not throwing the eggs?
That would be interesting.
Finally, my wife goes, you know, we were having a nice Easter, but now we're
not.
And it's because of you.
Yeah, that's really positive, honey.
Why don't you just punch her in the face?
Just punch her right in the face.
You might get over that.
The worst word a baby has, what she learns of, is the word why.
I hate the word why.
I really hate it.
And it's not, look, like, I used to judge other parents, but I don't anymore.
Like, you know when you're, like, at McDonald's, and you see a parent, a mother,
a father with a kid,
and the kid looks so cute, and she's eating fries, and the mother or father's
like,
oh, God, oh, Jesus Christ, oh, I hate this, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I
hate it.
And then a little kid says something like,
Mama, why are those people standing there?
And she goes, just shut up and eat your fries!
And you go, what a horrible mother, why doesn't she just answer her?
How hard would it be to just answer her?
You know what?
You don't know what you're talking about.
Because when a kid asks a question why, you tell her why, and she wants to know
why that, too.
And then you tell her why that, she wants to know why that.
She takes every idea and deconstructs it to the point, I don't even know who I
am anymore,
when we finish talking.
The other day, she's like, Papa, why is there rain?
Oh, because the water fell out of the sky.
Why?
Because it was in a cloud.
Why?
Because it came from the lake.
Why?
Because it got hot, and it evaporated.
Why?
Because the earth is hotter when it's nearer to the sun.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Why?
Because I didn't pay attention when it was taught to me in school.
I didn't listen to anything anybody said to me.
Why?
Because I have no moral compass, and I'm useless.
I've never done the right thing.
Why?
Because my parents didn't raise me right.
They didn't even try.
Why?
Because they just had sex in a car, and here I am, and they've just been
waiting for me
to get out of their lives.
I'm only stopping to be polite.
It goes on for hours.
Hours.
It gets so abstract.
She's like, why?
Well, because some things are, and some things are not.
Why?
Because things that are not, can't be.
Why?
Because then nothing would be art.
There wouldn't be any not things.
Why?
Eat your fucking fries.
Shut the fuck up and eat your fries.
Fucking little mother fucker.
Jesus Christ.
Now she talks, man.
They talk, and you have to say shit back.
You can't just go,
Papa, look at the bird.
You can't just go.
I always want to do that.
Like, she says really weird shit sometimes.
The other day, she said to me, Indian beauty.
I was like, what?
Indian beauty.
I was like, what does that mean?
Indian beauty.
Yeah, but what do you mean by that?
She just looks at me, and I go, yeah, don't talk unless you have a sentence to
say, all right?
Because that's a huge waste of my fucking time.
Jesus Christ.
Like, the other day, she wants to say, excuse me.
She says, accuse me.
That's not even close to meaning the same thing.
All right?
Accuse you of what?
That you don't know how to fucking talk?
Yeah.
Yeah, you don't.
Fucking shut it till it works, all right?
Fucking kid is full of shit.
Her favorite song is the alphabet song, right?
That's what I call it, the alphabet song.
You know what she calls it?
The name of the song is A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
She says, I want to sing A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R,
S, D, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.
I'm like, well, now let's not sing it, because we fucking ruined it for whoever's
listening.
That's not the title of the song, you fucking idiot.
That's the fucking song.
Jesus motherfucking Christ.
Anyway, so that's my kid.
I know I'm going to hell, but I'm going to every other parent, because you're
all the same.
It's fucking horrible.
Hell is an interesting thought, though.
What is hell really like?
I always wonder, is there like a schedule in hell?
Like, they tell you first, okay, you go in that room, and then some monster
fucks you up the ass for a thousand years.
Then you come out, and you're like, whoo!
Man, that was, mm-hmm!
Like, don't go in there again, ho-ho-ho!
To the next person, if I were you, I'd wait a minute.
Then they go, all right, now you're scheduled to go in there.
You go in there, and they rip off your head.
You know, they always show, like, in these pictures, they rip off your head,
but then they've got to sew it back on so they can keep fucking with you.
They rip it off, and all right, put them back together, because otherwise, you
can't torture them anymore.
And then, but what if you're in hell, and you're not sure what's next?
Like, they go, just go wait over there for a minute.
And you're waiting, like, in a hallway in hell, and some demon comes up to you.
Come over here, you suck my dick!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Now you're blowing this demon, and you're in hell, and it's awful.
And he comes on your face, runs away laughing, whatever.
But what if after you blow that demon, some guy in charge of hell walks up, and
he goes,
You know, you didn't have to blow that guy.
He just hangs out here.
He's not part of your damnation or anything.
What did you blow him for?
He said suck my dick.
So say no.
What are you, pussy?
Jesus, man.
Stick up for yourself.
Fucking loser.
He blew Joey.
Do you believe this guy?
Sorry, I gotta go.
I was walking past a, like, a yoga spinning fucking people place.
And the door was open, and I look inside, and this teacher, this guy's standing
in front
of a class, and he's just going like this.
And he's going, come on!
Come on!
Come on, do it!
Come on!
And everybody, all strangers that don't know each other, are going like this.
And he's going, come on!
Come on, come on!
And I thought, what fucking power this guy has.
I wish I had that power over people.
Even without the conceit of a class.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to do that, like, in an airport?
A bunch of people waiting at a gate for a plane, and it's like, come on!
Come on!
Come on, everybody do this!
I'm like, oh, fuck, all right, Jesus.
Why do I have to do this?
It's bullshit.
I'm late, and I gotta fucking do this.
Come on, you two, come on!
I actually took a yoga class, and it was great.
It's amazing the shit they get you to do that you didn't know what you could do.
I was doing stuff I had no idea I was capable of, like, sucking two penises at
the same time.
I didn't think I could do that.
Mine and his!
How did I, I would, it's actually that flexible, I could sword fight my own
mouth.
All right, good night!
Thank you, everybody!
Enjoy the show!
Thank you, everybody!
Thank you, everybody!
Thank you, everybody!
Thank you, everybody!
Thanks, man.
Thanks for coming, guys.
Thank you.