Name: Louis C.K - People on Planes Are THE WORST
Uploaded: 2023-01-18T21:30:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - People on Planes Are THE WORST' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - People on Planes Are THE WORST' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-18. Transcript available.

People on planes are the worst. People on planes, they complain.
They get off the plane, they come to your house, and they tell you about their
whole flight experience.
And they make it sound like it was fucking a cattle car in Poland in the 40s.
They just make it... That was the worst day of my life.
I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes.
That's a story in this country. That's a fucking hardship.
That you had to sit on the runway.
People will listen to that story. They'll stop doing the dishes and turn around
and go,
Oh my God, really? For 40 minutes? That's awful.
You should sue them.
I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes. Oh my God, really?
What happened then? Did you fly through the air like a bird?
Incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds?
Impossibly?
Did you partake in the miracle of human flight?
And then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they
fucking put air in them?
How dare you?
How dare you?
Bitching about flying!
I had to pay for my sandwich.
You're flying!
You're sitting in a chair in the sky!
You're like a Greek myth right now!
But it doesn't go back very far and I started squishing my knees.
The Wright brothers would kick us all right in the cunt if they knew.
If you could go back in time to Orville Wright and go,
Hey, dude, I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes.
And you'd be like,
Oh shit, well, let's not even bother then.
Hey, Wendell, shut it down.
They make you wait for a bit.
That hardly seems worth it.
There's always delays.
That's what everybody complains about.
There's always delays when I fly.
Really?
Delays.
It's too slow.
Air travel's too slow.
New York to California in six hours.
That used to take 30 years to do that.
And a bunch of you would die on the way there.
You'd get shot in the neck with an arrow and you'd go,
and fall down.
And the other passengers would just bury you
and put a stick there with your hat on it and keep walking.
And one of them would fuck your wife and have three babies.
And all the old people would die.
You'd be a whole different group of people
by the time you got to California.
Now you watch an Adam Sandler movie
and you take a big runny dump and you're there.
I was flying about a week ago.
And I was in the airport and I saw this really old man.
And he's on in a wheelchair.
I can fucking hear that shit.
So back the fuck off.
I can hear it in your headsets.
Just careful.
Or turn them down.
I'm sorry to fuck up the entire show for that,
but I can hear it.
Thank you.
Hey, yeah, sir.
Get closer to him.
No, it's okay.
It's fine.
Get closer to him.
You won't mind.
All right.
Wait a second.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
That's about where I was.
Okay.
That's right.
I was on a...
I was in the...
I was in the airport.
Just drenched right now.
Totally drenched.
It's like I peed.
It's crazy.
I was in the airport.
Okay.
So I'm in the airport and I'm going through security and they bring this old
man in a wheelchair and he was crazy old.
I mean, he was the oldest thing I've ever seen.
I've been...
I've been to museums and shit.
This dude was...
I didn't know there had been as much time as this guy was old.
I mean, he was at least forever.
He was at least that old.
Just tiny little Nosferatu hands and eggy head.
Just one of those...
So fray...
It was like the...
It was like just the atmosphere was crushing him into a diamond.
And they're pushing him through.
And I'm not the only...
Like he was parting the people because people were going,
What the fuck?
That's crazy.
He's really old.
And they take him through security.
And you know, if you're really old or you're in a wheelchair,
you can't go through the metal detector if you're in a wheelchair.
So they take you to secondary clearance, which is far more stringent.
Like the oldest and feeblest people get the highest scrutiny.
So they take him over there and he's...
I mean, he doesn't even look good for infinity.
He's not even like a...
He's...
He's got this whole thing going.
And they take him over and they start checking him for weapons.
Like thirdly.
What do you got there, huh?
Like checking him.
And they lift him.
I swear to God.
They picked him up gently out of the wheelchair by the shoulders
and he's standing between these two guys like this.
And they're going,
Whoop, whoop, whoop.
And I'm like,
Really?
Is that the guy, fellas?
You think that's the guy?
You want to maybe let him go?
Let him enjoy the last 10 seconds of his life doing something else?
What is he going to...
Even if he pulled it off, he deserves whatever he wanted.
Really.
What is he going to do?
Even if he had a grenade.
Let him keep it.
And I know what they'd say.
They'd be like,
Well, where do you draw the line?
He...
This is the line.
This guy right here,
he's the actual line.
It's very clear.
There's always somebody going through security who's like,
I don't want to take off my shoes.
Stupid.
I'm not a terrorist.
Oh, that's right.
We only make terrorists do that.
I'm sorry.
I'll tell you this story about one time
that I thought I was going to die.
I think it's the only time where I thought,
why wouldn't this be when I die?
I was on a plane.
I've been on a lot of planes
and a lot of shitty weather and stuff.
But this shit was fucked up.
I was in Indianapolis on a plane
waiting to take off.
And we're sitting there
and the pilot comes on
and he says,
Hi, folks.
The fuel gauge is broken
so we're waiting for maintenance.
So we wait.
About 20 minutes.
Then he comes back on.
Folks, the fuel gauge is still broken
but we're going to go anyway.
We know how much fuel we have
but we feel confident it'll be okay
so we're going to go.
And I'm thinking,
okay, well, he's a pilot.
I'm sure he's going by some manual
that says, you know,
if the fuel gauge breaks,
call maintenance.
If they're not there in 20 minutes,
fuck it.
Fuel gauges are overrated.
Just go.
You're fine.
Just top it off
and remember what happened.
So then we still don't take off
and the guy comes back on.
Folks, we have another problem.
LaGuardia Airport in New York
won't give us clearance to take off
because the weather's been bad
there intermittently.
So we're going to wait for that.
So we wait 20 minutes.
Then he comes back on.
Ah, folks,
LaGuardia still hasn't given us clearance
but we're going to go anyway.
We're looking at the radar.
We think the weather will be fine.
So what we're going to do is
say that our destination is Philadelphia.
We'll get clearance to go there.
Halfway to Philadelphia,
we'll switch course to LaGuardia Airport.
We'll be happy there in a few days.
I swear to God he said this.
First of all,
I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be honest
with the dude in the tower.
Like, does the...
Dude in the tower have to go,
really?
You're going to?
Come on.
Tell me where you're going.
And why is he telling us this shit?
Am I going to have to corroborate this lie
if we get pulled over by the Sky Police
at some point in the flight?
Oh no, we're totally going to Philly.
I got a brother there
and we got a thing in Philly.
But I'm still fine with it
because we're travelers on the...
Yeah, I got a thing.
Fuck it.
I'm immortal.
Just go, please.
Yes, go into marginal weather
with shoddy equipment secretly.
I totally support this plan.
So, we take off.
We get above where we are right now
and it's just a black motherfucker of a cloud.
It's just like the Wizard of Oz.
It's just...
There's trees throwing apples at us.
It's crazy.
It's just horrible
and we're...
The whole flight
and we're making these circles
and me and the guy next to me
are both listening to the tower.
You know how you can plug into your seat sometimes
and you can listen to the tower
talk to the area airplanes
and we keep hearing our guy
trying to get clearance to land
from LaGuardia.
Ah, this is Delta 288
requesting clearance to land.
Ah, it's a negative 288.
Low visibility.
A few minutes go by.
Ah, this is Delta 288.
We would really like clearance to land.
Yeah, that's a negative 288.
Like he was getting annoyed.
And meanwhile, we're just circling
and burning this vague amount of fuel.
We could just stop being an airplane
at any second.
And then we hear this.
This is all true.
This...
The LaGuardia guy comes...
It's LaGuardia Airport
to all area airplanes.
We are closed for the night.
Zero visibility.
Not safe for landing.
Please divert to Philadelphia
or Allentown, Pennsylvania
or Boston.
And then we hear our guy...
This is Delta 28.
We need to land now.
We have no fuel.
We have no fuel.
We have to land right now.
Huh.
Interesting.
Then there's a pause.
And then we hear this.
Well, then...
Clear to land, then 288.
That's how he said it.
Like, dude...
No one can see, okay?
But just...
I guess all the dumb decisions
you made today
have made this a good one.
Just take a shot.
I'm going home.
Just fucking...
Turn the lights off
after you crash.
I don't give a shit, frankly.
By the way,
you're not supposed to be here,
you fucking liar.
You said you were going to Philly.
So as soon as we get clearance,
we just...
Like, we start bulleting.
We're either flying desperately
towards the ground
or falling.
I don't know that there's a difference.
We come out of the clouds
and there's the fucking earth.
Right fucking there.
It's right there.
That's what low visibility means.
We come out of the clouds.
No, fuck.
It's right there.
Jesus.
And the plane just...
And you can feel the plane go,
oh, fuck.
I can't do that.
What are you, nuts?
And we go...
And veer over the highway.
And I swear to God,
I saw people in their cars go,
what the fuck?
And we hit the runway,
like, sideways.
And the pilot comes back on.
All true, I swear to God.
He's totally out of breath.
He's like...
Welcome to Gordy Airport.
New York City.
You may turn on your cell phones now.
And you may call your loved ones.
He said that.
He said you may call your loved ones.
And everybody on the plane was crying
and rocking back and forth,
just sobbing.
Calling their husbands and their wives.
I'm divorced.
What am I going to...
Hi, remember you hate me?
Well, I almost died.
I got in a cab,
and the cab driver goes,
that was a very bad landing.
I was like,
how'd you know that was me?
He's like,
that's the only plane to land in four hours.
We all watched the drivers.
We said they're going to die.
Okay.