Name: Louis C.K - I'm Just Telling You
Uploaded: 2023-01-24T21:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - I'm Just Telling You' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - I'm Just Telling You' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-24. Transcript available.

Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C., where I was born here.
And, uh, I like it here, because I like any city.
I like cities.
I don't like cities that are too advanced.
You know, I was in Zurich, and they have so much, you know, they're like,
here's the bike you're doing to bicycle, it's yours, just have it, it's nice.
And they have the garbage with the eight fucking holes of different shapes.
It's like an IQ test for a monkey.
I don't know what the fuck.
This one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one has a picture of a cup
that's a little different.
I'm standing there with a dead baby, I don't know where I'm supposed to...
What am I supposed to do with that?
It doesn't go in the newspaper slot, but otherwise, I don't know.
I like cities, I don't like little places.
When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities.
Everybody tells you, don't go to Madrid.
I just go to Madrid for like a day, and then you got to take a train,
and you have to go to...
It's a beautiful little old village, and you're gonna love it.
Fuck you, you don't know me.
I'm not gonna love a village in Europe with a bell that goes pang, like
whenever, and a dog walking alone.
I don't like cute little places.
I don't like little towns in America either, with little shops.
I don't like little shops.
Oh, look at that little shop.
Let's go in that little shop.
Now let's get a divorce.
Isn't that a better idea?
You go in there.
I'll just walk away.
I'll just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down.
I don't like little shops.
I'm uncomfortable in a little shop.
You go in and it's like, "Kh-li-li-ling-ling."
"Kh-li-li-ling."
Now it's just you and her.
You're surrounded by her dream.
And you can't just go, "Ugh!" and leave.
She saw you, you have to go all the way in now and look at all the little
crafts that she made.
You made this?
Really?
You made this instead of killing yourself?
I fucking wish I was that mean.
I really do.
All my fantasies are about being mean, just having the balls.
To like walk in a little store like that and just go like, "Oh, I don't like
this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
And I'm like, "Oh, I don't like this."
I don't like this at all.
I don't like it in here.
Mm-mm.
What's your name?
Debbie?
Fuck you, Debbie.
I don't like your store.
I was in Florida recently.
I don't like Florida at all.
That's a shit state full of shit people.
That's what I think.
I hate Florida.
I hate it.
I hate the whole thing.
I hold the entire...
It looks like a...
It doesn't look like a dick.
People say that.
It looks like a shit coming out.
If you look at it, it's like America's ass.
And it's a shit that's just...
That you're trying to...
And there's a little...
Cuba's like a little...
That came first.
That's what I think of Florida.
Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like,
"Yeah, get 'em.
Get 'em all, Melissa."
No.
I don't mean any of that.
It's just fun.
Fun to pretend.
I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida.
And it was empty.
You ever go in a restaurant?
And it's open, but it's...
You're literally the only person in there.
You walk in.
The staff is like sitting at the tables, you know?
And you walk in.
You're like, "Are you open?"
They're like, "Yeah."
And you go, "Oh, good."
And they're like, "Oh."
We gotta fire up the whole fucking restaurant
for this one guy now?
So I ordered a lot of sushi 'cause I felt bad
for wasting their time.
And I didn't eat most of it 'cause I don't like sushi.
And so the waitress comes over.
She's Japanese.
And she says, "You know Phoenix?"
Which is what she said.
I'm not...
It's just what she said.
I can't...
I'm not gonna change what she fucking said.
I'm not gonna lie to you and say that she said,
"You're not gonna finish that?"
'Cause it doesn't happen to be what she said.
And I have to do the accent.
'Cause it's weird if I tell you that she said,
"You no finish?"
So I'm stuck.
I'm just telling you what happened.
She said, "You no finish?"
"Do you no finish?"
And I said, "You're not finished?"
And I said, "You're not finished?"
And I said, "No, I...
No finish."
And I said, "You're not finished?"
And I said, "You no finish?"
And I said, "No, I...
No finish."
And I said, "No, I...
No finish."
And I said, "No, I...
No finish."
And I said, "No, I...
No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "No finish."
And I said, "It's polite to repeat
people's bad English to them."
Otherwise, you're being a dick.
It's like, "You no finish?"
No, I am not going to finish.
You left out a lot of words.
I took the liberty of restoring them.
I was in upstate New York in a small town.
And I was standing in front of a drugstore.
And in the window of the drugstore,
they had a wheelchair on display in the window.
Is that really an impulse purchase?
Hmm.
I should get a wheelchair.
That would really help with my paralysis.
Then I wouldn't have to drag myself
everywhere I go, like I've been doing for 10 years
since my legs were blown off at the marathon.
I'm going to have to drag myself out.
Okay.
Okay.
A bunch of fucking hypocrites, apparently.
Because, let me point something out to you.
Let me point something out to you, motherfuckers.
You were just, like seconds ago, laughing
at a man with no legs crawling on the ground.
You're just, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
And then at the end, you're like,
"Oh, but not those particular legless people."
"No. We thought you meant just some asshole
with a childhood disease."
"Who deserves to be laughed at."
"Not one of those."