Name: Louis C.K - Stand Up on Christians
Uploaded: 2023-01-26T20:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Stand Up on Christians' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Stand Up on Christians' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-26. Transcript available.

I have two kids.
I try to be a better person around my kids.
I really do.
I try to change my behavior around them.
Like, I have rules in my house.
They all apply to me.
Like, I have a rule that I don't curse around my kids.
It's a rule.
It does happen.
You know, sometimes you have a stressful moment
and you're with your kids,
so you say something by mistake.
Like, one time I was making dinner for my kids,
and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup,
and I said, uh, here's your fucking soup.
But, uh...
You can see how that was a tough situation.
You're supposed to teach your kids right from wrong.
I don't know, it's confusing, you know?
Some people raise their kids religiously,
and that kind of covers it.
They kind of go, all this.
Do that.
I'm not raising my kids religiously,
because I don't feel like it.
Let's get up on a Sunday.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
Let your souls rot, kids.
I don't care.
I'm not getting...
Daddy.
Daddy.
But my kids, you know, they're living in the world,
and there's a lot of religion in the world,
so you do have to teach your kids,
if you're not raising them religiously,
you do have to teach them about religion, you know?
I always tell my kids the same thing.
I tell them that there are many religions in the world,
and they're all equal,
but the Christians are the main one.
That's what I tell them.
The Christians won.
They're the winners.
So act accordingly.
Congratulate Christians when you meet them,
because they won the world.
And it's true.
It's true.
We love to tell ourselves, like,
that every religion is exactly...
No, no, they're not.
The Christians won everything.
A long time ago.
If you don't believe me, let me ask you a question.
What year is it?
I mean, come on.
What year is it?
According to the entire human race.
And why?
What year is it?
Anybody, sir, just yell out the year.
Thank you.
20, 2016?
No, it's 20...
That's right.
It's 2017.
What is that?
That's an important number.
Because we're counting to it in unison as a species.
For thousands of years, we've been going,
one, two, three, come on, everybody, four.
Now, come on, Africa, five, six.
What is this number?
We're counting the days since what?
Since there was ever people?
Or since the sun did a bl-bl-bl-bl-something?
Not at all.
It's been 2017 years since what?
Anybody, yell it out.
Christ!
Yes, Christ!
Christ!
That's right.
It's been 2017 years since Christ!
Jesus!
Jesus!
We are counting the days since Jesus together!
Which makes sense if you're Christian,
but what the fuck are the rest of us doing?
Jesus was here.
Everybody, scientists, historians?
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus plus two!
Jesus plus three!
Jesus plus four!
Jesus plus 2,017 years, 4 months, and 3 days
is when your license expires.
How is that not a win for the Christians?
How is that not a complete win?
That's not a Monday off in October.
That's there was no time before Jesus!
And the whole world's going, okay, sure.
And then somebody was like,
what about the years before him?
There were billions, I mean, infinity.
Those go backwards.
You want us to measure most of history backwards?
To accommodate one religion?
Uh-huh.
All right, we'll do it.
It's fine.
We'll do it.
Watch New Year's Eve around the world.
They always show you, like,
how every country celebrates.
It's kind of cool.
The first, there's one little island.
It's the first place that's actually the place
that it's the year.
It's a little island in the Pacific.
I forget what it's called,
but they do a little ceremony
for New Year's Eve every year.
And they just, they just wear grass
because that's, they don't even have sticks yet.
These are, these, they're in the grass age.
They have no clocks.
But they do a dance.
Holy Monday!
Ha!
A 2017!
And it goes around the world.
Oh, it's a 2017!
Oh, it's a 2017!
Death to all Christians in 2017!
The Jews are quietly keeping track.
It's really 5,766, but that's for us.
We're just, uh, that's okay.
We're just keeping track for when you snap out of it.
It's all right.
I'll write yours on my check.
I don't want a problem.
What about Chinese New Year?
Yeah, what about Chinese?
All right.
Next time you're doing your taxes,
just write monkey where the year goes.
Just put monkey.
See what happens to your funds.
Now, it's 2017, year of our Lord!
Jesus-y o'clock on the nose.
And they made it up.
That's the weirdest part.
They got to rename years that had already taken place.
Because, you know, that's not what those years were.
You know that, right?
That the year three wasn't the year three.
Three during the year three.
Nobody was walking around back then.
Hey, what year is it?
It's three.
Yeah, but I'm 28.
How can I be 28 if there's only been three?
Ah, well, see, you were born in B.C. 24.
And there's a zero.
Remember it went backwards?
Oh, shit.
That was stressful.
I hated those years.
What was that like?
What year is it?
Ten.
Gonna happen!
So, I don't know what to tell my kids.
My kids are, uh, they wanted a dog.
So, I got them a dog.
I got them a dog this year.
Which was a mistake.
I shouldn't have gotten the dog.
Because we got, first, we rescued a dog.
We got an, uh, we adopted.
Yes, you must, yes, always rescue.
If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.
Don't get a puppy from those horrible people who professionally raise dogs
carefully.
No.
You need to just get a mystery dog that's been beaten and abused and traumatized
on the streets
of Puerto Rico and can't talk about it to anyone now.
They never know.
Do you know anything about the dog?
Uh, she's afraid of pennies.
So, we think maybe somebody's been throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.
But otherwise, no.
So, you take this random dog and just put it in your house with your family and
watch their
personality unfold.
This dog is insane.
I'll walk into the kitchen and the dog's just standing there alone like this.
Like, you all right?
Are you all right?
My kids are terrified of the dog.
My daughter goes to pet the dog.
The dog goes like this.
She's like, should I pet her?
I don't think you should ever pet our dog, honey.
So, I took her to the vet.
I took the dog to the vet to ask her what to do.
And the vet said, listen, I think there's something you should seriously
consider.
I was like, please be saying to kill this dog.
Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now.
But she didn't.
She said, she said, I think you should consider Prozac for the dog.
I was like, really?
She said, yeah, it works.
Calms the dog right down.
But it's a big decision and you should think about it.
I said, put four in her asshole right now.
What do I have to think about?
I don't give a shit what she's experiencing.
Fucking fix it.
Give her heroin.
Shoot her up.
Come on, puppy.
That's why your dog is really chill.
Yeah.
It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that.
I don't always feel this way.
I used to love animals.
I used to worry about animals.
Just animals.
When I was like 20, are all the doggies okay everywhere?
I certainly hope so.
But I'm 49 and I got two kids now.
You know what happens?
Your circle of concern titans.
I have four nephews.
I don't love any of them.
Fuck a dog.
You know those ads like the PSA on television about abused animals?
They show you a dog with like an empty socket and he's like, ooh.
They're always wet.
I feel like they hose them down before they film them.
And the voice comes on, look at these dogs.
Please send us money so that this can stop.
Are you beating up the dogs?
How's my money fixing that?
You ever seen that PSA where they show you a really sad man?
He's very upset.
Very sad man.
He's holding a little sign and it says, yeah, sure.
And he says, this is the text that killed my daughter.
Because somebody texted, yeah, sure, and ran over his kid, which is awful.
Although maybe they were responding to a text that said, can you please kill
that kid?
And so they just wrote back and did it.