Name: Louis C.K - Being Selfish
Uploaded: 2023-03-02T20:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Being Selfish' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Being Selfish' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

say, "I'd like to be a better person." I would. I'd like to be a better person.
And I think
I'm getting worse as a person. Because as you get older, you start finding out.
Let
me give you an example before I tell you. I rented a car a couple of weeks ago
in Los
Angeles. Had the car for a few days. And then when I went home, I had to drop
the car at
the rental. You know, you got to go to the rental place that's off the airport.
Give
them the car. Give them your thing with the mileage. You got to get on a bus
and then go
to your terminal and check in. I was late, and I was worried about missing my
flight.
So I knew I had no time to do any of that. So I just, I never did this before.
I just drove
my car right to the terminal and just left it there. And I got it on the plane.
And once
I was on the plane and I had a little moment, I called Hertz and I said, "Hey,
listen, your
car is sitting out in front of Terminal 4 and the keys are in it. So that's
where it is."
And the guy was like, "You can't do that. You have to return it to this
location and then
get..." And I go, "Well, I didn't do that already. And now I'm leaving
California. So if you want
your car, you need to go to that place where it is." And he was like, "Oh,
Jesus, man.
All right. We'll get it." And he, that was the end of it. And I realized I
could do this
every time. Every time I rent a car. Because of course they want you to do all
that shit,
but if you don't, they still want the car back. They're going to send a dude.
You could drive
a car till you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just
walk away.
Well, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your
car is drifting
into the intersection of 28th and Broadway. If you're interested, it's now your
problem.
But see, this is a terrible realization because you should act in a way that if
everybody acted
that way, things would work out. You should, because it would be mayhem if
everybody was like that.
And most people kind of don't care. Most people are very selfish. Most people
don't give a
shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don't
even want to back off
from their favorite thing. They won't even do their second favorite thing. Like
you ever seen somebody
and try like they're at an intersection and they want to make a left, but they're
in the right all
the way right lane because they messed up. So now they're okay. Here's the,
here's the guy. He's in
the right lane and there's a lot of cars, like sixth avenue, like a lot of cars
and he wants to make
that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes ahead and
he just shoves his car
through everybody's life without any, and everybody's be honking and outraged.
And you always see the guy,
I, I have to, I have to, there's no other possible thing I could do.
What else could I do except go up one more block and then go left and take four
seconds.
That's not my favorite way though. That only meets 99% of my criteria.
But I, uh, I'm pretty, I'm selfish. I would like to be a better person because
I got kids
and I want to, you know, pass on a better, but I, sometimes it's not clear what
the right thing is
to do. Like one time I, I threw a candy wrapper on the street and it, I didn't
do it like, yeah,
I just, yeah, take that shit straight. I did it because I was, you know,
shaking. I wanted the candy.
Anyway, I was with a friend who said to me, you just littered on the street.
Don't you care about
the environment? And I thought about it and I said, you know what? This isn't
the environment.
This is New York City. This is not the environment. This is where people live.
New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter.
It's like the giantest, next to Mexico City, the shittiest piece of litter in
the world.
Just a pussy, runny, smoking, stinking piece of litter. So if you have a piece
of litter, what are you
supposed to do with it? You should throw it on the pile of litter. Because if
you don't, if you put it
in a receptacle, then it gets collected and it gets taken to a dump and a
landfill and then it goes on a
boat and it goes out and gets dumped in the ocean and some dolphin wears it as
a hat on its face
And for 10 years, this hat that never dissolves on its face.
Oh, Jesus.
I mean, everything that we introduce to the world is shitty. Meaning white
people.
Because I really think that white people are from another planet. Because when
we came to America,
it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren't even Indians. We called
them that by accident.
And we still call them that. Like we knew in a month that it wasn't Indians.
But we just don't give a
shit. We never correct it. We came here. They're like, hi. And we're like, hey,
you're Indians, right?
And they're like, no. No, this is India, right? No, it's not. It's totally,
totally other place.
You're not Indians? No. Ah, you're Indians.
You're Indians for hundreds of years after.
We ruined everything here. This was the great, it was just coast to coast, just
green and brown and
beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just
walking. And they'd be
like, ooh, that looks yummy. And then they'd just eat from the ground. And then
they'd sleep on the
grass. And they'd wake up and they'd fuck. And then they'd go for a swim and do
a little dance. That
was the whole continent was just folks doing that. I mean, there was people in
Mexico cutting off kids
heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that's, I mean, that's,
that's kind of, that's
always going on. What are you going to, you know, you can't, you can't, you can't
do a whole lot about that.
But I think we came from another planet. And the reason is because we don't
like it here.
I mean, why, if we're from here, if we belong on earth, why aren't we
comfortable
on earth at all? We need nice, smooth surfaces and right angles. And we need it
to be cool and not
too hot, just a little, just perfect. Like why wouldn't, when it's hot, why
wouldn't we just,
yeah, fuck it. Why wouldn't we be like that if we belong here?
And it's weird because people, people that are, uh, whatever you call the, you
know,
there's environmentalists and then there's people who are whatever, they just
are, hate environmentalists.
But that's what people get angry environmentalists because they think it's,
they're slowing down the
economy and creating restrictions. And a lot of these people are Christian. A
lot of these people
are very devout Christians. And that's such a confusing thing to me, that if
you believe that
God gave you the earth, that God created the earth for you, why would you not
be, have to look after
it? Why the fuck, why would you not think that when he came back, he wouldn't
go, what the fuck
did you do? I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy? The polar bears
are brown. What did you,
what did you do to the polar bears? Did you shit all over every polar bear?
What did you, who did
that? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this? Come over, did you fucking spill
this? What is that?
It's oil. It's just some oil. I didn't mean to spill. Well, why didn't you take
it out of the
fucking ground? Cause I wanted to go faster. I don't, well, I'm not, it's not,
I'm not fast enough.
And I was cold. What the fuck do you mean cold? I gave you everything you
needed, you piece of shit.
Well, cause jobs, I wanted, what is a job? What is, explain to me, what's a
fucking job?
You go, like you work at a place and when people call when they, their game
doesn't work and you help
them figure it out. What do you do that for? For money. What do you need money
for? Food. Just eat the
shit on the floor. I left shit all over the floor. Fucking corn and wheat and
shit, grab it and make some bread.
What are you doing? Yeah, but it doesn't, it doesn't have like bacon around it
and like,
I like when it has like, like bacon on it and bread.