Name: Louis C.K - Magic Mike
Uploaded: 2023-03-07T20:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Magic Mike' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Louis C.K - Magic Mike' from I'm Not Louis on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-07. Transcript available.

I really, I get new feelings and they upset me.
I don't like new feelings.
I want to know what I like and get it and just die.
That's what I want to do at this point.
Like, I have a weird relationship with this movie that's on cable sometimes.
It's called Magic Mike.
You ever seen this movie?
Magic Mike.
For those of you watching this on video many years from now,
Magic Mike was a movie about male strippers starring Matthew McConaughey and
Channing Tatum.
And it was a very different country when it was made for whatever you're
watching.
But anyway, we had a whole other thing going on.
This building's not here anymore.
But you're watching it on a dusty thing and it's all rubble.
And you're watching this.
I don't know why you're watching this out of everything.
But when things were real easy, we made movies like Magic Mike.
It's just a nice movie about men who strip.
And every time I'm flipping around and it comes on, I always stop.
And then I play a little game of chicken with this movie.
I stop because it's a good movie.
It's well made, directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director.
And so I get into it.
I get into the story.
And then they start stripping.
And then I start having all these feelings.
My face gets a little hot.
At first I just get hostile for no reason.
But then there's one part of the movie that I like.
I have a favorite part of Magic Mike.
So I always stick around for that part.
It's the part where Matthew McConaughey, he's wearing leather pants, no shirt.
And he goes, the law says you cannot touch.
But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.
I guess that.
It's like perfect.
It's the way he rolls out of them.
I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.
I just really like that.
I like it.
And when the movie comes on, I'm always like, all right, let's get to where he
says that.
And then he says it.
And I'm like, it's fucking good.
It's really good.
I like it a lot.
Here's how much I like it.
I don't really do impressions.
And I kind of nail that one because I think about it all the time.
I'm walking around my house, like, the law says you can't touch me.
The law says you can't touch.
And I go up to my dog, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here.
I like that part.
And then after he says it, all these strippers come on.
Matthew McConaughey, all these strippers.
Channing Tatum comes out.
Fucking.
And then I go like, fuck.
And then I have to stop.
Because I'm starting to get a feeling.
I'm just starting to get, like, a feeling.
It's not a boner.
It's not a boner.
But I can feel my dick starting to turn over a little bit.
Just starting to...
You know when you can feel your dick kind of unfold?
It's like a pool toy that's been blown up for a while.
It's like...
The wrinkles are starting to come out.
It's taking shape.
Just that early.
My dick's just waking up.
What are you guys doing here?
Anyway, I've never watched the whole movie.
I've never seen Magic Mike in its entirety.
Because I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see the end of Magic Mike.
I know what the end of Magic Mike is.
I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike is that I'm gay.
Pretty sure that's how it ends.
I don't want to see the ending.
I want to stay like this.
You know why?
Because I'm 49 years old.
I don't want to enter the gay community now.
This is not the version of me that's going to have an awesome time.
As the new gay guy.
So fuck that.
And that's my right, by the way.
Because that's about me.
That is my life.
I would never discriminate against another person for being gay.
I wouldn't dream of it.
But I have every right to oppress and discriminate against my own possible budding
homosexuality.
That's mine.
To just violently push down.
Like it's a dude I'm trying to make blow me right now.
And you know, I haven't become like generally attracted to men.
I'm not sexually attracted to men.
Just Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
Those two guys?
Fuck.
Fuck.
Seriously.
Matthew with his like leathery skin.
He's like, ah, just fucking sexy.
And Channing, kind of dumb face.
I'm like, oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
I like it.
But men in general, I'm not into it.
It's just these.
You know what I think it is?
Is I'm only gay for the best.
I'm top shelf gay.
I'm not retail gay.
You know what I mean?
I'm not off the rack gay.
I'm not going to go to JCPenney's and suck a bunch of dicks.
I'm going to go to Neiman Marcus and get this signature collection.
Platinum dick.
The best.
The best dick.
Because I'll try the best anything.
If it's the best one, I'll try it.
Like, I don't like cognac.
I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy and keep it in my house.
But I had never tried the best cognac.
If somebody was like, would you like to try this cognac?
This cognac was 500 years old 300 years ago.
Like, yeah, fucking give me that.
Like, if somebody asked me to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
I know all the foods that I like.
But if somebody was like, this is the best Kenyan restaurant.
It takes six months to get a reservation.
I can get you in.
They fly live turtles in.
And you eat, you bite off its screaming face while it's alive.
And every turtle you eat is the last of his species.
Ah, can't wait to eat that fucking turtle.
I'm going to end his people with my mouth.
The best.
I'll try it.
If somebody was like, we have a guy here.
He has the best dick.
The best dick ever.
His dick has been soaking in olive oil since he was five years old.
We've been feeding him nothing but butter and penises his whole life.
He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now.
Well, let me see it.
Can I see it?
Can you take it out?
Oh, shit.
That's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
That's my favorite thing now.
Fuck.
I shouldn't have looked at it.
Let's bring it closer.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but bring it closer, please.
I think at that point, you put it in your mouth, right?
If you're looking at the best dick ever, and you're not sure, you want to suck
it, just put
it in your mouth.
And then decide.
Just for like 20 seconds.
That's a long time.
That's 20 seconds.
That's a long time to have a dick in your mouth that you're ambivalent about.
20 seconds.
If you have a dick in your mouth for 20 seconds, you are not deciding.
I'll show you.
Just 20 seconds with a dick in your mouth.
Nah.
Nah.
Yeah.
I decided not to suck that dick that's been in my mouth all day.