Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-01-29T20:15:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-29. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, January 29th, 2020 FOA, as they say down in Bridgewater, FOA.
I don't know what's going on with this fucking cold, man.
This is just like the cold that comes and goes and it comes back.
It's like a fucking quarterback controversy, except it's a cold.
Every time you think it's, okay, we know who we're going with, it comes trotting
back in again.
I felt fucking great today.
I got up. I was like, you know what? Looks like a beautiful day.
You know, I don't have shit to do. The games come on later.
I was like, I'll go fucking, go for a little helicopter ride.
So what do I do? I check all the fucking airports. Everybody has winds calm.
Biggest I saw was fucking nine knots, right? Not darn knots, nine knots, right?
So I get to the fucking airport. I'm listening to the 80s, the recording, and
it's like, you know,
air met, turbulence, still in effect, and blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, what the fuck? What altitude is that at?
So people have told me, like, listen, helicopters, you fly at a lower level.
Just whatever airport you're fucking going to along the way, just look at all
of their METAs.
And that's what I did. And I went up, and it was fucking great.
I had a great time. Flew all the way out to Bracket, landed on the North Pad,
did a little fucking 360,
and I just fucking headed home, you know, because I had to play with the kids
today.
Big weekend. Still, you know, celebrating a birthday here the last couple of
weeks, and went to, like, you know, all of these things, you know.
Did all of these events and everything, and it was awesome.
And, I mean, just got done braiding my daughter's hair, so she's ready for the
school week.
I hadn't done it in a while, because I got fucking so busy, and now I'm back
into it.
And last week, it took me forever, and today, I just fucking blew through it.
I was like, all right, I got the muscle memory back.
It's funny. I find twisting harder than braiding, and now I realize you just
pass it to the other hand.
I was trying to fucking, you know, like those fucking ropes at the gym that I've
never had the courage to walk over and do,
because I don't know exactly what it is that you're doing.
It's like you're shaking out a tablecloth, you know, except you want it to go
all over the room.
Oh, my God, dude. People must think I'm a creep at the gym.
I'm just constantly glancing at younger people, but I'm not checking them out
like, you know, nice tits there, you know.
I'm staring at some mustachioed dude's package, you know what I mean?
I mean, it's Hollywood. You just got to fucking roll with it, right?
So I am glancing to try to figure out what is that exercise, how do you do it,
and what muscle group is that for?
I mean, it's just like, you know, you fucking, you do a push-up, you stand up,
and then you slap one shoulder with one hand,
you slap it with another, then you grab a kettlebell, and you fucking go down
with one leg going out like you're fucking walking over to Hitler or something,
and then you go back up and you push it up with your shoulder it's just like uh
i don't know what
it is it's fucking intense but i just look at all of that i'm like even if i
knew how to do that at
my age i shouldn't do that so i just stick you know i do the flies you know i
go to the dark
corner of the room you know the gym where they still have that fucking thing
that you put around
your belly that that weight lifting belt and it goes blah blah blah blah i
still do that shit
i go old school all right i'm a fucking elliptical guy i like the elliptical
you know there's a lot of people out there that go like well you know you
shouldn't do cardio you
want to build up muscle because muscle burns fat you don't want to lose your
muscle and blah blah
blah blah it's just like buddy i'm old i don't give a fuck okay i'm just trying
to keep the
fucking cunt belly at an acceptable level here all right so why don't you relax
so go over there and
do your fucking whatever the fuck whatever it is you're doing over there with
your weights that
come with a handle um is it easy enough to carry now you son of a bitch i'm
kidding i know i understand
this fucking goddamn cough um so fucking ironic i quit smoking and now i get a
bad cough
you know thank you joe biden i'm gonna do that all year fucking blame trump for
that one
am i right thanks a lot ted kennedy um anyway uh let's just get down to it dude
let's let's talk
about these fucking football games let's sit down let's sit right down and talk
about these football
games and figure out what the fuck happened today uh i picked both winners i
don't think the 49ers
covered uh sort of the backdoor cover there in the end uh let's just start with
the kansas city
chiefs all right let's start with people's tone we'll go further back then we're
going to start with
tony the hatred that football fans have of tony romo saying all he does is blow
patrick mahomes
and i want to tell you gamblers something you really need to get past your
hatred of tony romo
and listen to the man if you listened to the man who actually played the game
you play to win the
game he played the game at a pro level and he's telling you this guy is the
shit and you're oh he
does you fucking blow him you hate him and you hate the fucking chiefs and what
do the chiefs do
they win two weeks in a row that's two fucking wins you could have had but you're
too busy hating
on fucking tony romo and he's fucking right i will say what's funny though is
at one point
uh twinkle toes there was running with the ball uh very dainty such a masculine
sport but you know
he's very graceful the second coming of bambi dare i say right and he fucking
he like did like this
sort of jump lofted it to the receiver and jumped up and tony romo was like oh
my god it's the greatest
fucking dude i have no idea it's great holy fucking shit i played this game my
whole life i've never
right you know it's hilarious brock purdy did it in the second game and his
throw was actually more
difficult it reminded me of when the patriots played the eagles in the super
bowl and they called
that play where they they brady handed or whatever the fuck he did and then tom
brady ran out he didn't
catch the ball and then like fucking two drives later the eagles do it except
they do it successfully
and chris collins was like i've never seen anything like that it's like you
just saw it it was just
incomplete um anyway i this is i like collinsworth and i like tony romo tony
robos fucking knows
everything about the goddamn game i hope that guy fucking jumped off side on
first and five at first
he's like oh no no no and he goes wait a minute do you think he fucking did
that to make it first and
ten just uh so they don't you know just reset the fucking down at first and ten
instead of wasting like
maybe two plays and a lot of fucking clock for the next five yards they only
have to go five yards you
know what i'm trying to say i'm too dumb to say it tony said it eloquently um
anyway uh i've been betting
the chiefs i've been staying with the chiefs the chiefs just fucking they don't
look that good during the
regular season and everybody gets fucking excited and all this shit but you
know what the chiefs do
they win in january when it fucking counts it's what it is they just turn it on
i love how everybody
knows it's going to kelsey he's still wide open i don't understand these
fucking zone coverages or
fucking rushing a guy in from the side then you where the pressure's coming
from you fucking throw it
over there there's fucking travis kelsey you know sitting on a stool waving hi
patrick and they just
fucking complete it um i don't know the ravens uh you know they they made too
many mistakes and uh
they did i will say that taunting penalty is was you know was definitely taunting
but like kelsey
he fucking screams at people after a two-yard game that's right motherfucker
whatever the fuck he's
yelling he's yelling the whole time i think what it is is you can't stand over
somebody
i have to think when they first came up with the no taunting rule it was uh you
know i think the
working title was uh the black guy rule you know because they were just
standing over too many white
guys going you can't fucking play with me the majority of their audience is
white so they're
like well we we don't want you know racist by jerseys too we can't have these
black guys dominating
these white guys look they can score a touchdown but they can't wag their
finger in in his white face
saying you know you couldn't cover my mother whatever the fuck they say i don't
know what the
fuck they say right i mean i didn't think it was bad i don't i don't mind what
kelsey does i don't
understand it you know what i mean screaming the whole fucking game and if you
want to understand
my whole fucking attitude on this shit just go back and watch some old football
games you watch
guys score touchdowns and they turn around they hand the ball to the ref and
that's it these
fucking guys are going out they're getting six yards and then stomping around
and fucking imitating like
they're eating fucking soup uh but you know what it is they're trying to get on
fucking t i don't know
what it's the tv or whatever so um yeah i just think uh the end of the day the
chiefs of the
chiefs and the ravens i don't know on paper the ravens look better what about
fucking dr ferdy pacheco
that pacheco kid the fucking roger craig reincarnated what do you want me you
want me in the backfield you
want me to go wide out you want me to fucking guy can catch as good as a
receiver he goes into the
fucking line you think he's tackled he comes squirting out the other side he's
fucking amazing so um
i uh i like the kansas city chiefs to fucking win it all uh i just don't see
brock purdy
against patrick mahomes and uh i have been less than impressed with both of
these 49er wins they
were playing teams that were like less than them and they got down big and they
had these comebacks
against two inexperienced teams
they did come back nonetheless i don't think you go down 24 to fucking seven
against patrick mahomes and travis kelsey and all of those fucking guys and you
come back i just don't
think you do i think you do it against green bay with you know a young
quarterback and all i think
you can do that uh hats off to the lions i don't think i've ever been so
fucking excited
at halftime i was like oh my god for the first time in the history
of detroit detroit the detroit lions the history of their existence which is i
think over a hundred
years at this point they're part of the original nfl it's the 1920s they got to
be coming up on
they've never played a game in february and they were 30 minutes away from
doing it
so i'm texting versi and like look this is what they got to do they're going to
come out 49ers are
going to be fucking swinging for the fences they got to fucking ride this out
okay they have to ride
this out and then they need to score a touchdown in the third quarter okay
maybe they give up a
touchdown in a field goal to the 49ers but it will be disheartening if they
score because they're
trying to come back three scores and no matter how much they fucking score if
you just get one and then
another one in the fourth quarter you know and then a fucking you know they go
for it you stop
them you get the field goal you're out of there right it was looking really
good so what do they do
the 49ers come out the lions weather the fucking storm they're down three
scores right two touchdowns
and a fucking field goal so they get the field goal but that's still it doesn't
feel good the 49ers
wanted the touchdown the fans wanted the touchdown and then what do the lions
do they just start marching
right down the field again right down the field again they get into field goal
range it's fucking
fourth and two now analytic people explain this to me
okay is it worth okay not kicking the field goal going for 