Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-24 | Bill Burr w. Jon Lovitz
Uploaded: 2024-02-01T22:11:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-24 | Bill Burr w. Jon Lovitz' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-24 | Bill Burr w. Jon Lovitz' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-01. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-24 | Bill Burr w. Jon Lovitz

of a full head of red hair.
All right, we ready?
Yeah, rolling.
Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And whenever you see video of this podcast,
you know, well, gee whiz,
old Freckles must have a special guest.
Well, unfortunately, that is not true today.
My guest today is astoundingly mediocre.
I've actually been ducking this interview,
and he just kept calling me.
Tacking up, and I just decided, like,
you know what, let's just fucking get this over with.
It's a rainy, gloomy day.
What more perfect weather to welcome my wonderful guest,
Mr. John Lovitz, everybody.
John Lovitz.
John, wake up, buddy.
Buddy.
Hey, there we go.
Got to get some of this five-hour energy
to stay awake for this thing.
Why are you so mean to me, by the way?
Did you hear your intro?
Why can't you just admit how much you like me?
I like you very much, you Bostonian bastard.
Yeah, you're always, like, coming at me.
I like how you're dressed.
I like how you have a little flair there in your collar.
This is Robert Graham, the shirt and the thing.
Who are you wearing?
Robert Graham?
Robert Graham.
Oh.
I just said that.
Is that a Macy's line?
How's the listening techniques coming along?
Are you a Nordstrom's guy?
No.
No, but you know what?
What?
My, one of my best friends used to date a guy that his mother was a Nordstrom.
Oh, was part of that family?
Yes.
Like, directly.
Like, all of his uncles own it.
Oh, so this guy, he was like a gold digger?
And it turns out, no, he was a very nice guy.
No, but she, no, my friend was, and I met the guy, and I go, he's gay.
She goes, no, he's not.
And then, three, they break up, and it turns out that he's gay, is a very nice
guy, and
he texted me.
But anyway, he said, you knew before me.
You said the guy was dating a guy at Nordstrom's.
No, I mean, no, no.
Dating a Nordstrom.
My friend is a woman, and she was, one of my best friends was a woman.
She was dating a guy whose family owns Nordstrom.
Oh.
And at one point, when I first met him, I said, you know, he's, that guy, he's
very nice,
but he's gay.
She goes, no, he's not.
I go, yeah, yeah, so anyway.
Wait, how did you know he was gay?
Did he put his hand on you?
Because you couldn't, because, anyway, my friend said.
Was he just walking around?
Chances are.
They ended up breaking up.
No, it was very obvious.
So then, she says, she goes, no, he has a kid, and this.
So then she says to me, how did you know he was gay?
What was your first clue?
I go, him.
And he even asked me, he goes, how did, you knew before I knew?
That's bizarre.
I understand being in the-
You brought up Nordstrom's.
I, well, I didn't think that that was going to turn into some lifetime movie
coming out
to a-
Yeah, you did.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
I knew I was going to pull it off.
You know, I don't think people know that we, you know, we're all, we're, you
know, we met
through, um, uh-
Dating app.
Randy Wald-
Shh!
Yeah, Randy Waldman, who was a great piano player, and also your helicopter-
Instructor, yes.
Instructor.
And I just got off the phone, and did you know, before, I don't know if you
know this,
but whenever Randy, uh, flies with you, he makes out a new will, right before.
That wouldn't surprise me.
It wouldn't surprise me.
He always has his hands near the controls when I'm on him.
Um, no, he's actually, excuse me, tuberculosis.
He's, um, actually, uh, as good a helicopter pilot as he is a pianist.
And he was a, he was a prodigy piano player.
His first gig was with, uh, Frank Sinatra.
Yeah, and now he's, he's doing, uh, shows with me.
I don't know if you know that.
I, I know.
You didn't, you didn't show up.
What, you had a, you had a-
Well, you call, you know, you call me, like, last second to tell me that you're
singing
your jokes at a, at a Panera Bread place or something?
April 18th, I'll be at Vibrato.
Oh, Vibrato.
On a jazz club.
Can you, can you sing a, a joke or something that you're doing?
Maybe-
Yeah, sure.
Bill Burr likes it in the butt.
Gently, when you squeeze his left nut.
Ow, the blood flows.
Out of his butt, wherever he goes.
Now, you're going to open with that?
No.
That feels like a middle of a set.
You're the one, when you bring it down.
You're the one who's opening.
Oh!
I see what you're going to-
No, but I have a question for you.
Because I, I, I, you'll notice this very quickly in this, in this podcast that
I have a severe
ADD.
My, after seven seconds, my brain goes off on tangents.
Now, to be a, I'm like really trying to focus-
Stop trying to act like you're Robin Williams and you just can't-
No, I'm not.
But it's true.
Yes, you are not.
I've never said I-
And I've been waiting for years for you to finally admit that, the way you
carry yourself
with the pompous fucking-
I'm not Robin Williams, but I knew him, he was a very nice guy, and I made him
laugh.
Unlike you.
My question is, this is a compliment to you, what, how do you stay so focused
being, you
have to be, being a helicopter pilot.
To me, I'm, it's being sincere now.
Yes.
And it's killing me.
But it's impressive that you're a helicopter pilot.
Isn't that way harder than flying a plane?
And aren't there like a million things to do at once?
How do you do it?
Well, I've never flown a plane, so I don't know.
All I can say is if I can learn how to do it, then anybody can learn how.
And I actually thought my biggest fear was not learning how to fly it.
It was ground school and the test, and, because, you know, I did not do well in
school, so
I didn't think, but I also-
You know, John, whenever you lash out at me like that, I just know it's all
self-loathing.
Okay, and you can come in here with your Tony Curtis haircut and act like you're
just the
bee's knees, and I just don't buy it.
Tony Curtis, there's another guy.
Is that what this is about?
There's another guy that went to Nordstrom's.
That I have hair and you don't?
Hmm?
Like, it's my fault.
No, there's just something about the way it's-
I didn't give you my genes.
I have nothing to do with it.
Why are you saying-
I actually had a good idea for you.
Jesus.
You know how you play it?
Why do you yell at the beginning of your sentences?
Is that to shut the other person up?
I get excited.
No, I get excited.
Um, I think-
Did you lose it already?
You should have me open for you.
You're playing arenas now, but I think with me, you could be playing stadiums.
Okay, I'll bring you on the road.
Yeah, but you have to pay me.
Well, I understand that.
Well, I guess that gets over.
I understand that.
You want to go on the road with me?
Is that what you want, John?
Is that what this is all about?
That's not what this is about, but yeah, I would like to.
I've never played an arena.
Well, you keep looking at your face.
You're aging naturally.
They go, the camera adds 15 pounds.
Your camera is adding like 100.
No.
Off camera, this doesn't even exist.
You know, there's a lot of women that are into that.
It's a fetish.
They call them pelicinos.
You know, like furries.
They're ending people with...
You son of a bitch bastard.
No, your face has...
No, I just got to stay forward.
Your face has its own neck pillow.
It must be nice when you get on a plane.
Well, my grandmother had this.
When you go like this, your neck fat just kind of catches you.
You know, it's true and it's sad.
I don't know where this came from.
I really don't.
I'm thinking maybe it's because I eat too much, but I highly doubt it.
I just think I breathed in really hard once and too much air and it went...
And then it just stuck.
Dizzy Gillespie had a neck like that, but it was because he played the trumpet
and changed music.
That was his cheeks.
You, on the other hand, have that because you eat cake at night.
No.
Pastries.
Salt peanuts.
Salt peanuts.
This is basically...
You're one of my favorite people in this business
because this is all we do
is we just give each other shit.
And I have been having a field day
with, you know, the Gaza Strip.
We've never done it in person, though.
It's always on text.
The Gaza Strip.
I've been having a field day
texting you...
Oh, here we go.
...annoying things about the Gaza Strip.
Well, let's just call this episode
The Jew and the Nazi.
Let's just get down to it.
We do it in text.
We've never done it face to face.
I'm just presenting...
I told you I'm bringing my howitzer.
Oh, God.
Boom.
Go ahead.
No, I just mentioned...
Let the game begin.
We like to discuss world politics
and ways to solve them
or possible sources for the conflict.
You know, I...
Like, I have to be honest with you.
I never had a problem with Jews
until I met you.
And then I was like,
ah, now I get it.
Every other...
Really?
The Jewish person I met was...
They were nice.
They were very family-oriented.
And you just walking around
like this Bond villain
with your little dog.
How old is that fucking dog?
I mean, you can't leave it alone yet?
When is it going to grow up
and get a driver's license?
He's in good shape.
He's 13.
His dog is in great shape.
Yeah, his name is Jerry Bruckheimer III.
Yes.
That's his actual name.
I know.
Unlike you,
I'm actually friends
with the real Jerry Bruckheimer.
Oh, I love when you throw
your show business friends in my face.
What was Gavin...
You know, the way we...
What was Gavin McLeod like?
He was like you, bald.
When you did the love boat.
Yeah.
Let's go back, okay?
Before you had the chins, okay?
And you looked good in Bermuda shorts.
Okay?
Don't do that.
Don't make the sad face.
You know what?
I'm just going to tell you
this true story.
I did a movie once.
I was an extra
and the lead actor said,
you know what?
Can you do this little bit?
And I did it.
And he goes,
you could have a career in comedy.
And this was years ago.
This guy was at his peak.
His name was Charlie Chaplin.
You?
Whoever said you were good.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
You actually were great.
You were great in the Pete Davidson movie.
Every once in a while.
The King of Staten Island.
The King of Staten Island.
No, I'm being sincere.
That's why I...
You were so great in that.
You started...
I didn't even know...
You weren't funny.
You weren't trying to be funny.
It was a drama.
But you were so great
that I didn't know it was you.
And I kept going,
wait, is that Bill...
No, that's not Bill Bart.
Is that...
It is.
But in...
And you look...
Is it the good work?
15 years older in the movie
than you do in person.
Can you please explain that one?
Well, were you...
No, really?
You look like...
I can't just get a fucking word.
Can you answer the question?
You have a lot of Regis Philbrum
when you yell
the beginning of the sentence.
Do I?
What's the answer?
Come on.
I think you were confused
because it was actually good.
And your thoughts of me
is that I'm horrible.
And I know you joke around
about it a lot.
But I know that that's coming
from someplace.
Well, deep down.
Deep down.
You are horrible.
This is your whole act.
Albert Einstein's a genius.
What do you think, Bill?
I don't...
Is he?
Is he?
Really?
Really?
He couldn't even get
a decent haircut.
What's that?
His mustache,
he couldn't trim it.
The guy had AD.
He was just, you know...
How'd you come up
with your stuff, Albert?
Oh, I sit on the couch
and think for 20 minutes.
Ooh.
That's so hard.
I'm going to do
your fucking act.
Go ahead.
Why'd the chicken
cross the road?
To get to that
kooky other side.
How?
And the fucking band
kicks in.
That's what you do,
you fucking...
No, this is my act.
...lounge-lidger.
Can't say it.
Oh, you wake up
in the morning
and you brush your teeth.
Bill Burr takes it
up the butt.
You wake up in the morning
and you brush your hair.
Bill Burr takes it
up the butt.
It's as easy as
one, two, three.
As simple as ABC.
You wake up
in the morning
and you take
a breath of air.
Bill Burr takes it
up the butt.
Up the butt.
Up the butt.
Up the butt.
That's my act.
Hey, you know what?
I have an idea
for a movie for you.
I know you're
looking for a project.
I heard.
You reboot Kung Fu Panda.
You're pl