Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-02-26T19:20:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-24 | Bill Burr

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
monday february 26 2024 what's going on how are ya how y'all how i almost said
how y'all doing
how y'all doing how's it going out there for you man 29 days this february this
year it's a leap
year it's a leap year an extra day to pay your rent extra day of black history
month see that
once every four years white people we do do something for black people um
um anyway i am back from the road why do they do the leap year thing what
exactly is that does it
have to do with the fucking earth going around the sun to make it fucking line
up does it have to do
with the greek ancient roman chinese new year is that what it has well actually
you know the world
isn't round anymore it's wow you know i'm fucking still off instagram i'm
loving it end of the day
i just go in i answer my fucking dms from friends and then i get the fuck off
it i'm kind of lying i
will watch three or four and i go don't do it don't do it and i get off i get
off so what have you been
filling your time with bill nothing really a lot of stretching a lot of
stretching the older you get
the more stretching you have to do like you ever see these fuck there's always
uh once a year for
some reason there'll be a video of some old lady that can still fucking put her
legs behind her ears
and all you know and you look at that and you just go god she must have been
such a whore in the 30s
right now you look at it and you get inspired
she never stopped stretching she never stopped working out she never stopped
fucking let's be honest
right you know we don't stretch for you guys we're doing it for ourselves oh go
fucking watch barbie
again nobody cares um that's what i do i speak for everybody when i don't give
a fuck um yeah when i
was on instagram for like two seconds or something there was some lady on the
floor
with some walmart video somebody sent me showing all these fucking shit shows
walking into walmart
and uh you know i never know how to feel about that like when i see all these
fucked up looking
people going into walmart my initial feeling is you know how much are rich
people taking that people
have to live this way look how fucking uneducated they are and da da da da and
all of that shit
and then the other side of me goes
you know modern medicine as great as it is like
it keeps the weak alive that's the dark thought and then the overall thought
that i don't understand
is why god makes dumb people i don't understand that why does he make dumb
people that are easily
misled and then simultaneously he makes evil people right you basically have
the devils
and then the people that listen to them that's kind of like what you you have
uh the dummies devils and
the dummies and everybody else is sitting in the middle like what in the fuck
is going on right now
what are people talking about what is this direction that we're going in i'm
really trying
to think of a time in history when just people in the middle right and i don't
mean like like uh
centrists as stupid ass fucking liberals who label everything call them i mean
like people you know
you're on the left but you're not crazy on the left you know what i mean like i'm
on the left but i'm like
like yeah you want a gun i get it i get it it'd be nice if you learned how to
use it you know
i mean this really should be like you should be like a borderline fucking marksman
if you own a gun
shouldn't you i mean that's what i would think but then i just look at it it's
like i remember i took
the motorcycle safety course it was two fucking days and they were like all
right good luck get out
there buddy keep your head on a swivel you know what i mean you go down i mean
out here because
i took the gun safety uh whatever whatchamacallit there when i was gonna go buy
a gun i had a you
know study up on some i mean it was like a 25 page pamphlet and then you could
you can go out and buy
a gun and you could you can blow somebody away if they come in your house america
right i mean that's
i mean part of me was happy that it was so easy because you know i'm a typical
human being i don't
want to think i don't want it to be hard make it easy it should it should be
more difficult i would think
you know what i mean there's a few things be funny if everything was a little
more difficult
you know what i mean if you go into like guitar center and you want to buy an
instrument and they
go god just sing a song for me right now like i don't want to do that come on
let's see if you can
carry a tune we're gonna sell this to you but like if if you're just completely
fucking tone deaf
this is just a waste of wood some tree died we're not selling this to you okay
you can't you know
uh so come out tomorrow get the out of here get out of the store all right
there's a limited
amount of trees on the planet we cannot give you a acoustic guitar get out of
here or an electric one
or a woodwind instrument get the out of this store that'd be fantastic
um why would it be fantastic why would i want to make my life difficult i'm
sitting here arrogantly
acting like i would pass all of these tests um these are just ideas people
these are just ideas
um i was talking today as a liberal i was on stage this weekend right moderate
liberal meaning you know
i don't give a about most things that psycho liberals do um and i also like
conservatives do not bother me
at all i like a lot of the things that they think about but psycho
conservatives you know when they
disappear into jesus and racism and all of that shit
you know whenever they say that uh the white white people are the superior race
they should
immediately they cut cut the footage of people doing the tomahawk chop white
people
without like literally i will never get over that being at the super bowl
i just really looked into that it's like there is not a thought in their
fucking head they don't even
know why they're doing they're just doing it because other people are doing it
why are we doing this i don't know what does it mean i don't know means go
chiefs what does it mean in
the bigger picture oh i don't care all right um not to say that there's not
mouth-breathing
morons in all races there are god makes a lot of stupid people and uh that's
why you have wars
right that's what you got out there oh jesus oh billy big time goes to three
cities this weekend
and all of a sudden he thinks he understands humanity well i mean that's how it
works
that is how it works you know um all right plowing ahead here i had uh
like three of the best shows in my career this weekend i was in portland oregon
vancouver british
columbia and i was in uh salt lake city utah and each show just kept getting
better and better
and i'm getting really excited i will i'm not gonna lie to you i feel like i
have about two
hours of material right now so kind of getting lost like if i do a special this
year what i'm
gonna put on it and then i'm thinking well that's good i got an extra hour but
it's like well what
hour did you do the last time you went to Cleveland you know i'll run into that
because i'm a big
believer in just doing the jokes that that you're excited about um and if some
fall through the cracks
then that's what the fuck happens um but anyway i started the tour up in uh
portland oregon
which a lot of people make fun of that city myself included but this that that's
a great city that
really is a great city with a great history and all of that type of stuff and
unbelievable food up there
and all of these great um just like individual business owners up there that
are are just crushing
it and i wanted to make sure that i gave a shout out uh this guy a couple of
leather places up there
i was with dean del rey so you're going to end up in some shop that makes
leather so there's a place
up there called ship john's that just makes incredible um from hand jackets
belts
he had like a he gave me a guitar pick holder you know that folded over a
button and it was the shape
of a guitar pick you could stick like probably like you know 10 picks in there
and it had a little loop
on it to stick on your keychain it's hilarious i can barely play guitar you
know and just think about
that if guitar center actually had a test i would have been at ship john's
going like well you know
what uh i can't accept that why not i didn't pass the test the guitar guitar
center i already know
who i'm i'm probably going to give it to somebody i got a buddy of mine uh who's
an unbelievable
guitar player and i'm thinking like this is something that nobody has and i'm
not going
to put it like that on my keychain i don't play guitar i play drums you know i
fuck around the
guitar i have a good time with it though i've been playing a lot lately i just
like if i could just
play the malcolm shit in acdc i would be happy that's my goals um there's also
uh down the street
this place lang langlet's leathers that also makes leather jackets and i've
been looking one looking for
one for my son or daughter forever and no one makes you know my son's only like
three and a half years
old and i walked in and there it was and i didn't even ask the price i'm like i'm
buying that i want
that can i have that the guy goes yeah i go that's not on hold nope he hooked
me up with it and um
what else what else did i go to there oh my god one of the best drum shops in
the united states of
them this is all in portland oregon and then there's like a million great
places to get coffee
and food and all of that stuff listen don't let those freak show white people
walking down the
street you know what i mean when you're looking at them going like oh my god
you can drive right past
them you know you don't have to get in a car and drive across the country with
them i mean that would
be oh my god just listening to their views
it's like can we talk about something else other than public bathrooms
um anyway uh revival drum shop and my uh my great friend and uh unbelievable
teacher davy which
happened to be in town and he took me by there and i met the owners they were
so cool
and we sat down we played some drums together and um it's one of those things
like if i lived in oregon
that's the place where i would i would go you know out here it's in la there's
a place pro drum shop
that is just that's the place to go to out here in oregon revival drum shop is
just incredible all
these oh my god i just sat down and played them they had a lot of ludwigs in
there i took some
videos i got a selfie or whatever that i'm gonna put up eventually gonna post
there but i just had the
best time they treated me great you know i bought some t-shirts and and and
some stickers for my
my kids and stuff and uh we had a great time and here's the last thing oh wait
i didn't even say
gaucho steakhouse second time i've been there unbelievable steak cigar room in
the back you know
and as much as i say i'm not smoking i'm what i'm gonna not smoke a cigar in a
steakhouse right
whatever i had one i had one last week jesus christ can a man live here um and
then uh so for the
longest time i've always known that the portland trailblazers in 1976 with bill
walton big red 25
years old he had the bandana the long hair clearly smoking weed following the
dead but in the meantime he
went out and won an nba championship and it was all about him they always talk
about him they always
showed a picture he was on the cover and i'm like wait a minute who the fuck
was on this team so i
start reading about the 1977 nba finals first of all they played the philadelphia
76ers with 27 year old
um dr j and 20 year old daryl dawkins rest his soul right they had all of these
stars cardwell jones and
all of them and they just brought that aba above the rim street ball to the nba
and just was literally
the aba and all of that stuff um is what the nba now is um with everybody just
you know i don't know
i don't know i don't know back in the day you used to elevate and you dunk on
somebody that was trying
to fucking knee in