Name: Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-03-11T19:28:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-11. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
March 11th, 2024. What's going on? How are ya?
How are ya? Oh, Billy, no smoke.
Oh, smokeless, fucking tobacco, fucking ginger-faced, freckled, bald cunt over
here.
10 days of just hacking up. I got the last little bit here. I'm actually
thinking, part of it is like, I have milk in my coffee.
A little sugar in your coffee there. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe I should
lay off that, just go to some espressos.
S, not X, espresso. All right, and it's also et cetera. E-T, not et cetera, et
cetera.
There's a lot of weird shit out there, people, you know, that you've just been
saying wrong forever.
Like, I still, I say, I say, I've talked about this before.
I say nuclear. I said a nuclear, nuclear device. Oh, jeez, like fucking Oppenheimer.
I'm finally watching that movie, man. Good Lord.
I gotta be honest with you, man. Watching that movie, the fucking amount of
work that it must have been, putting that thing together on all levels.
I'm halfway through the movie. Great movie to watch on the road when you get
away from your kids and everything and you got time.
Like, the sheer amount of scenes, the costumes, the sets, the writing, back and
forth, all of that footage.
I'm about an hour and a half in it. It's an absolute masterpiece.
And, oh my God, Robert Downey Jr. Jesus.
Jesus. Just when you thought Iron Man was the peak there.
That fucking guy. First of all, I didn't even know it was him for, like, the
first, like, three scenes.
That's when somebody is, I think, just crushing it.
When they're so in it, you don't even recognize them.
And it actually made me believe in Clark Kent.
Because I always think, like, really?
You just put on a pair of glasses and nobody knows that you're the Caped Crusader?
Is that who you're? No, Man of Steel? You don't know that he's Superman?
Superman?
It really is amazing how super just somehow has just gone generations and
generations and all the other, like, sayings.
They only hang around for a minute.
But somehow Superman, Super Bowl, but nobody says it.
Like, hey, you want to go out and get a cup of coffee?
Oh, that would be super.
Like, someone would just be doing it, just mocking the word.
But for some reason, you just don't question it.
Superman. The Super Bowl.
Anyways, I used to always think Clark Kent had, like, the fucking laziest, like,
that serial killer trying to get caught.
Like, he just puts on a pair of fucking hipster glasses and parts his hair the
other way.
And you go, who are you? Who's this guy?
Who's this fucking jacked journalist?
I'm totally buying this shit, right?
And I used to always make fun of that.
Now, having seen Robert Downey Jr. with glasses on and he combed his hair the
different way and I had no idea it was him.
I now believe in Clark Kent.
That's how good Robert Downey Jr. is in Oppenheimer.
He made me believe in Superman's alter ego.
I love how they always have, like, an alter ego.
Like, that really is sort of a nod to, like, mental illness.
Which, by the way, I'm here in Detroit right now with Nate Craig, who's another
one.
Like, I always know when I'm about to lose an opener.
They just start killing at a level where I'm like, like this.
I'm just, yeah, I'm just holding you back at this.
Why would you go around?
You should be doing your own fucking thing at this point.
That's where Nate is.
That's where Dean Del Rey is.
That's where Bartnick was a year ago.
Now he's off headline and I just, they're all, they're all leaving the nest.
But I'm also happy about that, too.
Because I don't want to have a terminal opener.
There's nothing sadder than that.
That they're just going to be, they're just settled in.
They're going to open for their whole career.
I always just, I always look at comics that I see starting to go down that road.
And I'm like, what are you going to do if the person you're opening for just
drops dead or quits?
Or back in the day, got a movie career or a TV show going.
No one in the clubs, oh, they've all changed.
The bookers have changed.
And now you're going to be, like, 50 years old calling up a place you used to
work
trying to get it going again.
I don't know.
It's terrifying.
Anyway, what the hell was I going to be, I was going to talk about was, oh, I'm
in Detroit right now.
So I'm with Nate Craig, right?
And we're trying to find a good place.
So I just look up best coffee near me.
And it says Lucky's Coffee Shop or something here in Detroit.
And it was, like, 1.2 miles away.
You know, Detroit.
You know, it's really coming back.
But I've been going to Detroit since the late 90s.
So even during the day, I'm like, do we want to walk 1.2 miles into the abyss?
And I don't know what neighborhood I'm walking into.
So I say to Nate, I go, do you want to take an Uber?
And he goes, no, I want to walk.
And I just go, I want to walk, walk.
And we just started singing Twisted Sister.
And we went out.
And we're just walking into the wind.
And it just took me back to when I was a kid.
I was a walker.
You know, there was kids that took the bus.
We actually just qualified to be on the bus.
But we chose to walk because my best friend lived about a quarter mile up the
street.
And we would always meet him.
And it was like blowing so hard because we're right off of Lake Erie, one of
the Great Lakes.
You know, Canada only has the Great One.
We have the five Great Lakes.
And they are ours.
I know that the property line goes through the middle.
But let's be honest.
If we really wanted to throw down with Canada and just say, listen, okay, I don't
want to start anything here.
But we're taking the lakes.
What would they do?
You know, I mean, Canada can't even win a fucking Stanley Cup.
You think they're going to win a war?
Oh, God.
I just felt everyone in Canada go, what the fuck, Bill?
Fucking low blow.
I'm kidding.
I'm fucking with you.
All right.
I've been to Canada.
I've seen your war memorials.
I know what you've done to contribute to fight against fascism.
Is there any way Canada could rise up again against our two presidential
candidates?
I refuse to fucking watch this.
I'm just I am not watching it.
I am not watching it the same way when I used to walk in and my my wife was be
watching sex in the city.
I am like I am not watching this shit.
I cannot watch these beautiful women delivering punch lines written by 60 year
old gay guys in the 90s.
I just I just whenever she puts I told you whenever she puts that show on
anytime a joke is delivered.
You can always tag it with, oh, honey.
And it always works.
Anyways, it was like, you know, you know, like clever comedy.
It doesn't make you laugh.
It makes your eyebrows go up like, yeah, just it's that mixed with a snap from
12 to 6.
That that's the jokes on that show.
Innuendo.
It's funny.
I'm in a hotel.
I bet somebody just walked right by my hotel door and heard me sing innuendo.
Anyway, so we start walking up the street and the wind was blowing.
And it just took me back to when I was a kid walking to school.
And, you know, Nate's from Wisconsin.
I was like, Nate, were you a walker?
He goes, yeah, it was.
I missed the bus a lot.
So I'd walk two miles to school.
I go, do you remember this move?
And it was the turning around and walking backwards into the wind.
There was that.
There was nostril.
Remember nostril freezing weather?
You'd have to start breathing in through your breathe, breathe in through your
nose.
Your nostrils would like stick for a half a second.
All this is going to go away with global warming.
It's just not going to be a thing anymore.
Although probably walking backwards into the wind once all these big
corporations, you know, cut down all the mountains or something.
Who knows?
But let's not go dark.
We're not.
So we're walking.
We want to walk, walk up to Lucky's.
And we start going up the hill.
And all of a sudden, Nate's going, are those drums?
Am I hearing drums?
I'm like, well, it's Detroit.
Drums are gunshots.
I don't know what that is.
Right.
And we get up there and there's a parade.
I'm like, what the fuck's going on?
A parade?
Okay.
And I see the police and firemen.
I go, all right.
Is this like a first responders?
First responders?
I don't think there's any phrase in the world that fucking drives me up the
wall like that.
First responders.
That's literally a religious level of guilt.
You know?
They respond first while you sit on your ass, you ununiformed piece of shit.
Like, that's just how I take it.
I might be defensive.
Okay?
I'll take 40%, but no more than that.
So I thought it was a first responder.
You mean doing your job?
Stop acting like we all sat around like a bunch of cowards.
They call you and you show up.
That's your job.
Fucking lady down the Starbucks is a first responder.
I walk in.
Hey, can I help you?
I don't see her halftime.
We had a fucking NFL game and we all got to stand up and thank her for her
service.
Anyway, so we get up there and it turns out everybody's dressed up.
Like fucking leprechauns in those dumb green hats and green and orange beards.
You know?
And I'm like, what the fuck is this?
It's March 10th.
And I found out that they celebrate St. Patrick's Day a week earlier in Detroit
because so many
people go to Chicago for the big one.
When they paint the river green and all of that, like, you know, it's funny
about a St.
That St. Patrick's Day parade now isn't we are so like mixed at this point,
just from
generations of just banging each other that nobody looks Irish.
I was like walking through the parade.
I'm like, nobody here looks Irish.
Nobody.
I don't like.
And there was a couple of old guys like there's one there.
There's one.
But it was awesome.
So we were walking up the street.
Then we just kind of impromptu ended up getting to see a parade.
There was all these great bands.
There was this cool old truck and they had like, you know, the wacky old siren
and they
were doing a skit.
For some reason, some people had, were dressed like leprechauns with the Ghostbusters
song
going on and they just kept playing, Bustin makes me feel so good.
I'm like, is that a remix?
And he said, no, we always said that.
I go, does he mean like busting a nut?
He said, well, no, but they, they kind of meant that, you know, meant like busting
the
ghost or whatever.
I don't know, but you know what they mean, right?
A little innuendo there.
So we go up there.
We're still watching the parade.
We walked past Lucky's like for like a block and a half.
I'm like, wait a minute.
Where the hell is Michigan Avenue?
Whatever.
We come back and we went in there.
Absolutely outstanding cup of coffee.
If you're ever in Detroit, Lucky's.
And then upstairs they have this old school barbershop.
I give the place five out of five stars and the staff was super friendly and
really nice
to us.
Um, and then we came back out and we walked back down.
I got some Detroit style pizza.
I got the little four inch, four slice one, split that with Nate.
Then I went over to Shinola, which I always end up spending money over there.
And, uh, then we found this other coffee place.
I'm like, dude, we got to go in there.
It just looks, I remember when that place was vacant.
Like there's a lot of these, like this whole area that I'm staying in.
Like, I remember when this, this place was like, you'd just be looking at the
shell of
the building going like, that is a beautiful building.
I wish somebody would redo it.
Well, guess what?
They are redoing it.
And if you're looking to invest money, I would say Detroit is a great place to
be because
I've seen Cleveland and Pittsburgh and maybe even Baltimore sort of right here,
right where
they're at right now before they fucking, you know, before it explodes and all
the corporate
cunts come in and they just start building glass towers for luxury high rise,
you know, rentals
and people from around the world are like fucking washing their money and they
never even stay
in them.
You know, if I was president, these are two things