Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-05-27T19:06:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-27. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. I don't fuck you.
It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 27th, 2024.
Happy Memorial Day, you fat fucks.
Memorial Day.
Thank you to all the troops.
You know, everything we've done over the years to keep these bastards away from
us.
Everything that you thought you were doing, but there was really something a
corporation wanted you to do.
Thank you to all you guys.
Shout out to all you tubs of shit out there that are going to fucking, you know,
make yourself a burger.
Keel over hibachi today.
Having a cardiac event only to be saved.
Only to be brought back by modern medicine.
Right?
To be yet another person put on Ozempic.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm shooting this drug into me.
Oh, oh, oh, Ozempic.
He was fucking hilarious.
No one would put a fucking mask on and take the vaccine.
Everybody's running around taking this Ozempic shit.
You got 70-year-olds getting pregnant now.
Yes, but nothing with the top colored tie I didn't like told me to do it.
So it's my choice.
Oh, oh, oh, Ozempic.
You know, that's one of the things I really, I guess it's all, it's all, it's
all the same.
Why can't they just tell us what to eat?
You know they know.
You want to be in shape?
Just do this.
You can't figure it out.
You can't figure out.
They're all, all the fucking people, all the food people, they're all talking
shit about each other.
You know, the people that, that give you eggs, cut the beaks off chicken and
lay them sideways, stack them up in a fucking Volkswagen because it's cheaper
with a sunroof, you know.
They're all, oh, eggs are great for you.
These things are delicious.
They got plenty of protein.
And then the people that make egg whites are going like, oh, you know, I could
probably stay away from those.
Those studies show that they, they, they lead to a cancerous heart kidney shit.
There should be one fucking answer.
Tell me what to eat.
Tell me what, what, what to put it with.
I'm right.
What I do now, I just go veggies and then I eat the protein.
That's what the fuck I do.
I drink water.
Still drinking the coffee.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Everyone, you know, I still have the coffee, but I got the coffee under control.
Okay.
All right.
I'm driving the ship.
Yeah, somewhere along the line, I so OD'd on coffee that like only like one or
two, two a day.
And then I'm like, all right.
Yeah, Bill, we know you've been talking about it since you started drinking it
two years ago.
Anyway, what do I want to talk about?
I, I, I, I, I, I don't know.
Let's talk, let's talk a little bit.
Let's talk some sports.
Basketball.
Your Boston Celtics up three games to none against the Indiana Pacers.
One of the most highly intelligent basketball states in America.
Beating them at their own game.
The Dallas Mavericks jumping all over the upstart Minnesota Timberwolves.
We'll play in the target center.
How was that guy on the Dallas Mavericks only 25?
That guy is, he's been through some shit, huh?
Was he behind the fucking Eastern block?
That guy looks like a 34 year old divorced father of five.
And they showed a picture.
I'm going to go, oh, the youngest guys, I thought you started at 16.
And that was like 2015.
And I'm like, wait a minute, 2015, nine years ago, 16, that guy's 25.
He looks like the grizzled vet.
This is going to be a funny, funny NBA finals because the Celtics, this, I like
to call this team the introverts.
They're stoic.
I mean, the, the, the, the, the amount, like they're, what are they right now?
They're 11 and two in the playoffs.
I think that they've done less fist pumps, fist pumps, you know, than, than
they have victories.
And then the Dallas Mavericks, I caught the end of that game.
The 25 year old, 34 year old, you know, doesn't, takes a charge or whatever you
said.
He stands in front of the guy and he gets the call offensive foul.
And he's on the ground, he's like, and there was this other big goof on their
team, caught an alley-oop, blocked his shot.
And two times within like the last minute, he was going, it's the dumbest shit
ever.
I can tell you this, Will Chamberlain scored a hundred points in a fucking game.
He probably didn't yell once.
And he still got the hundred points.
Um, it's all that fucking trying to get on ESPN.
I guess it's Instagram now.
Jesus Christ.
Everybody wants that smoke.
Everybody's about that life.
Daw, you don't want to fucking be about that life when I want that smoke.
Womp, womp.
Anyway.
And then, you know what, oh, you know what else they're going to do.
Kyrie Irving is coming back.
So, here you go.
A guy who didn't have a good time in Boston.
Here we go.
Bring, and he's a black dude too.
So, you know, immediately.
They're going to bring up that, they're going to show that busing footage from
the early 70s.
And I'm thinking that they're actually going to try to freshen it up a little
bit.
Put a little perfume behind the ear of this, this story.
That, that white racism only exists in the South and in Boston, Massachusetts.
And they're going to, they're going to, I think they're going to bust out some
footage of the Charles Stewart case.
Um, and completely ignore the fact that Kyrie Irving plays in Texas.
And I'll tell you, when I think of open-minded progressiveness, first state
that comes to mind, Texas.
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you what.
I know you think that's your wound, but it ain't.
It's the Lord's, and I know what he wants you to do with it.
But I was raped.
I don't give a shit.
You're about to get shot.
How do you like that?
Did you like that, Texas?
You probably didn't.
That was a cartoon depiction of your fucking state, right?
They do that to us every motherfucking time.
Okay, now I'm not saying, I'm not saying that Boston isn't racist, okay?
I'm not saying that.
I would never say that.
But I'm not going to sit here and act like, you know, fucking Milwaukee isn't.
Chicago, Los Angeles, the entire state of Idaho, the entire state of Indiana.
The entire state of Indiana has one of the highest Klan memberships in the
country.
They never talk about it.
Never talk about, golly, gee shucks, everybody out there puts their overalls on
one fucking
overall leg at a time.
Milwaukee never say shit about that.
They're out there, you know, making skin suits out of fat chicks from one town
over.
That's like the serial killer capital of the fucking world.
Nothing.
Every time when Milwaukee went to the finals and won it that year, were they
showing shit
about Jeffrey Dahmer?
There has to be a happy meeting when it comes to Massachusetts between showing
busing or one
of those stupid lighthouses.
I lived in Massachusetts for almost 30 years.
I don't think, I don't know.
The only lighthouse that I really know where it is is at Gillette Stadium.
So anyway, they're going to ramp up that story.
Which is like beyond over.
I mean, the guy's like, this is, we were like two teams ago, but that's the
angle that they're
going to, they're going to shoot.
So we'll see what happens.
Shout out, Oboso, shout out to the Indiana Pacers, man.
They're fucking, they're a good goddamn team.
This very easily could be two games to one.
I feel like Minnesota is the same way.
I was really impressed with the level of talent.
Oh, were you, Bill?
Can you even hit a layup?
All right, you're right.
I shouldn't be talking like that.
As a sports fan, as a guy sitting on a couch, burning no calories, I will say
this, that
Halliburton kid and that Miles Turner, Jesus Christ, guy is a superstar and a
leader out
there on the court.
Al Horford, Al Horford went off, what do you have, seven threes, just a huge
win.
And that, that, I think that that win, that Celtics winning game three was, is
the most
important win this version of the Boston Celtics has ever had.
Easily the biggest win that we've had that I, and that I can remember going
back to the
last time we won a championship.
Um, I think it was so important for them to, you know, come down 18 points in
the third
quarter and make a comeback like that.
I mean, now they fucking know that we're not out of any game.
It's just, it's just, it's a great thing.
So, cause I don't think that Dallas Mavericks, some, one of my buddies is like,
I was watching
the game yesterday going like, I'm not afraid of either one of these matchups.
And I'm thinking, well, you're not playing either.
Are you, um, there's no way a team makes it all the way to the finals and, and
they're,
and they're easy to beat.
So we'll see what happens.
This could be amazing though.
If we win another one, then we got 18 and that's 18 legit Laker fans.
That's 18 championships, all one in the NBA.
Unlike yours, they were actually one.
All of them were one in the NBA in Massachusetts.
There wasn't four over here.
One in that league, mobbed up ref, pile on team after fucking pile on team.
Um, that is my issue with the Lakers.
And then what's funny is, is like Laker fans, they, they've literally bought
like six titles,
their last six titles and had a mobbed up rep helping pass Sacramento.
I mean, granted that wasn't on them, but that did happen.
And then they'll be like, well, Boston bought it.
It's like, well, we had to, at that point, that, that was what the game was.
It was like the Red Sox.
We weren't spending $200 million a year until the Yankees did.
Like what were we, they weren't stopping them.
They came up with a luxury tax.
What were we supposed to do?
That was the read.
That's, that's why like the Astros didn't bug me until they didn't get shit for
it.
It's like if the Red Sox are spending a buck 90, the Yankees are spending $200
million.
They don't have that kind of money.
They got to get a camera and wire guys up like they're trying to take down a
mob boss and bang on a trash can.
All right.
But they still should be called cheaters.
And they, and they did just going right past it.
Now that first championship was complicated.
Amazing.
Hey, it wasn't, it wasn't a trash can.
It was my interpreter.
Okay.
That all makes sense.
No, those weren't mine.
Those, that's, it's in my cousin's name.
Oh, okay.
That's fine.
Nothing to see here.
Anyway, yeah, we got to have 18 titles.
18 fucking titles.
Um, I don't know.
We will see what happens, but it's, it's weird.
It still seems like a million miles away.
And, um, these fucking games, man, they just, they just take, uh, that game,
yeah, the game
three didn't, I didn't die a thousand deaths just because we were getting
killed.
I just kept going, Oh, you know, they shot 70% halftime.
We're only down by 10, 12.
I mean, that's maybe that, that might be fucking with them a little bit, you
know?
And then it was like halfway through the third quarter, go down by 18.
I'm like, all right, but you know what?
They're kicking our ass so bad right now.
I feel like we bounce back the next game.
And then we'll be up three games to one, you know, but I, even after game three,
I was
thinking, you know, even if we lost that after game three, essentially it's a
four game series.
So then did math steal the home court advantage because there's two left for
each team?
Um, sorry.
Um, I'll tell you what's really been burning my britches lately is how every
fucking, every
show now is trying to do the Shaq Barkley thing, have four fucking people or do
like the Howie
Long show, the NFL thing.
And it's just like, you're not going to, why don't you come up with your own
thing?
If you notice that, I don't give a fuck if you're watching people playing
pickle.
All right.
When they cut to the booth, there's going to be five people sitting there
breaking down
what you just saw.
There's going to be a chick and then four fucking dudes, two former players,
two broadcasters
and a broad.
And then they all going to sit around and she'll introduce the question.
And so, do you think they held the paddle on the wrong side?
We're going to start off with Michael.
Well, you know, nobody has to play pickleball.
I got to tell you, one of the things that I felt, you know, you just fuckin