Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-06-13T19:02:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-13. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you,
seeing how you're doing, how your day's going, see how your week's doing.
Do you feel heard this week? A little bit of water to start my day. I'm here in
fucking Boston, Massachusetts. I'm not going to lie to you, I think I had the
set of my life last night, as far as just the biggest rush I've ever got from
doing any sort of jokes or whatever in front of a crowd.
Last night, I got to be a very small part of Tom Brady's induction into the
Patriots Hall of Fame. He got his red jacket and all of that, and the sheer
amount of people, it was at Gillette State, they asked me to do it like in
February, and I was like, all right.
And it just seemed to me like it was going to be a banquet. You know what I
mean? It just kind of seemed like it was going to be one of those things, you
know, if they don't do it before a game, I was picturing, you know, something
like the size of the Hard Rock Cafe, whatever, that thing behind Fenway.
I thought maybe I thought maybe it was going to be somewhere there, and so Freckles
gets on with his life, and all of a sudden the gig's coming up, and I find out
it's going to be at Gillette Stadium.
And I'm like, oh, all right. Is it like the Seahawks, where they have a theater
in their, you know, stadium? Is that what it is? Is it over at Patriot Place?
They're like, no, Gillette Stadium.
And I'm like, where they play football? And it's just like, yeah. I go, how
many people are going to be there? And they were like, it's sold out. I was
like, what? How many people is that? And he's like, I don't know, like 50, 55,000
people.
So anyway, I go, well, wait, what do I have to do? And they go, all right, you
got to do five minutes to open the show, five minute monologue.
And then we have some, they have photos of Tom with different haircuts and
different celebrities. They want you to come up and make jokes about that,
right?
And they would just go out and like roast Tom and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
and all that stuff. And I was like, all right.
I was like, I don't want to roast the guy. I want to thank him, you know? So I
never really wanted to roast the guy.
And then also, you know, as the gig was coming up, you know, he got, he got,
you know, destroyed on the Netflix thing.
So I'm like, that's already been done. I'm not going to do that. And then plus,
I hate this whole fucking new thing that, you know, if you're going, it's like
your night and you're going to go and accept an award.
There's some asshole comedian up there, like ripping you a new one. It's like,
wait a minute.
I thought like I took a chance. I went after a dream and I succeeded and this
is supposed to be my night.
And now you're up here, you know, making fun of my shirt and just being like, I
don't know, like somewhere along the line.
It's just like, if somebody is getting a award, you just fucking tear him a new
asshole.
Like it turned like an award show into like a roast or something. So I was like,
I don't want to do that.
So anyway, we, we, I land, we drive over there and I show, you know, they had
like a sound check thing.
And I see the whole thing set up going, Jesus Christ, like 50 something foot,
thousand football fans are not going to be listening to some stupid standup
comedian if they're waiting for Tom Brady.
So I'm not going to lie to you. I was, I was nervous. Right.
So here, let me, let me shut this window here. Um, so anyway, I go over there
and they've been asking me for my monologue forever. Right.
And you know, what's funny is like, here's the thing. You're never given the
monologue because once you do, then, you know, they're going to start going, I
don't know about this.
I don't know about that. So we just kept saying, you know, we didn't have one.
I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't. I wrote everything yesterday, but you
know, I've been doing this a while.
So it's not that big a deal. It was only five minutes. Right. So I show up and
they say, okay, so we still haven't got your monologue.
Do you have any idea what you want to do? And I said, all right. I go, well,
yeah, I'm just going to kind of talk about the history of being a, my
experience of being a Patriots fan.
I go, I don't want to roast the guy. And then they were like, we don't want you
to roast the guy. We don't want you to roast the guy.
And then I'm thinking like, well, that's, that's what I've been hearing the
whole time.
They're like, we never said that. And that is just classic, like the telephone
game somewhere between them and me.
I got the complete opposite information. And I was thinking, thank God.
Uh, thank God I brought that up. Cause what if I went out there and they're
thinking I was going to do something nice and went the other way.
So anyway, and the people that, you know, they, they couldn't have been nicer.
They treated me so like great, but I had like, I was like, oh my God, imagine
if I didn't, imagine if I just said, all right, I'll roast the guy.
And then they wanted me to come out and be nice or whatever. And I came out and
I, and I, and I just, so for you young comedians, always ask going, just double
check it.
I was, I was told I was supposed to do this, you know, and just make sure. So
then they go, we, no, we don't want you to roast them. Then I was like, oh,
okay. Okay. Thank God. Thank God. All right.
I didn't want to do that. So they're like, all right, cool. And they go, what
were you going to do? And I said, you know, I'm just going to talk about how
crazy it is that, you know, I, I never thought as a Patriots fan that this is
where we would, would have ended up.
And basically my, my overall thing was, you know, we used to play in like that
high school football stadium. We barely felt like we were in the league, you
know, and, you know, we would have these moments where we would pick the right
guys and then just something would happen, roughing the passer, the, the,
against the Raiders or like, you know, and our coaches just were forever
leaving.
Chuck Fairbanks was like the guy in the seventies. And all of a sudden he just
had, I'm fucking out of here and he leaves. And then we go back down again
after that great 76 team. And then Raymond Berry comes along. Oh, we're going
to Superbowl. Then we played the 85 bears, get the shit kicked out of us. Then
we suck again. And it just sort of seemed like we were never going to quite get
our head over the water. That was basically what I did. And then along came a
guy, Bob Kraft. So that's what I'm supposed to do.
So they go, okay, you're going to, you're going to kick off. I was told through
my people, right? That I was going on first. So I'm like, all right, I'm going
on first. I got to do my five minutes in front of 50,000 frigging people. Jesus
Christ. And it was daylight. The sun's still out because it's summertime,
obviously. And sunlight outside, you know, the combination two of those, that
is kryptonite for standup comedy, right?
So anyway, before I go on, they said, oh, we have one musical performance is
going to happen before you go on. And I'm like, okay, cool. I go, who's coming
on? They go, oh, you know, it's a surprise guest. And I'm like, it's a surprise
guest. And then she whispers, Jay-Z.
And I literally nodded and just turned around and just walked towards the
closest wall and was muttering to myself going, why do I do stuff like this?
This is so stupid. I, I, I should have just stayed home. I can't follow this
guy. This is going to be, so all of a sudden, dry ice and all this stuff.
No, no, no, no, no. Jay-Z comes out. And it just is Jay-Z. He just comes out.
He's killing it so hard. There's like a moment I forget. I have to go on next
because I'm going like, oh my God, that's Jay-Z. He's like right there. One of
the greatest to ever do it. This is unbelievable.
And then I'm like fanboying out. Like, can I meet that guy? Can I meet that guy?
They're like, no, he's exiting on the other side of the stage.
Then I'm like, oh shit, he exits the other side of the stage and then I got to
go on. Right?
So anyway, um, he fucking kills and the crowd goes nuts because they had no
idea that he was going to be there. And it was just like, it was so cool
because he only did one song. So it was almost like, and you weren't expecting
to see him. Like the whole vibe was like, holy shit. Oh my God. Is that Jay-Z?
That's Jay-Z. Holy shit.
And then he was just gone. So the crowd was still talking to each other. And
then they go, now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the video. Right? So I go
out there and, um, I, I, I somehow, I don't know. I, I, I think, I forget what
I said, but I got him early to cheer.
And then I just started riffing about, you know, parking on somebody's lawn and
wall pole and walking along the active train tracks while you were hammered
underneath route one and all. I just kind of went through the whole history of
it.
And, um, I don't even remember what I said. I just remember it went great. And
I walked off stage and I was looking at Club Soto. I'm like, I go, I go, that,
that went pretty good, honey. And he was like 10 out of 10.
And I was psyched. And then like, but I was like, oh, I still got to do like
this, this thing with the pictures, you know?
And what was funny was they thought the show might be a little bit long and
they wanted to cut the segment.
And I was like, oh no, no, but I'm going on after Peyton Manning. And I wanted
to, I wanted to tease Peyton a little bit.
Um, so we kind of said that and they said, all right, the segment's still in
there. Right?
So after I did the opening bit and it went well, then I, and I was psyched for
like two seconds.
I was like, ah, fuck, I got to go back on again.
And then I felt like that idiot at like a casino who just won't go back to the
room.
It's like, dude, you won. You got your chips. Just go back to the room.
You know, no one's going to remember you on this thing.
The only way they're going to remember you on this fucking thing is if you eat
your balls,
you somehow just got away with it.
And now you idiot, they were going to cut the other thing.
And now you got to go on it. It was like, really like, it's crazy. Right?
So the show goes on for like another 90 minutes and it's just like the who's
who of Patriots.
They live streamed it. So I'm sure you can watch it somewhere.
Um, what was it? Uh, yeah, maybe like 90 minutes, but it was just like, dude,
um,
Randy Moss came out and got like this, this standing ovation, like so long.
He like started crying. Edelman, Wes Welker, Danny Amendola, Rob Gronkowski.
And like, and then in, in the, uh, Vince Woolfolk, um, Ty Law, Lawyer Malloy.
They just, they had them all. Willie McGinnis.
Um, Mike Tirico was like hosting the thing. And then they had like,
then they had all the Patriots that like I grew up watching were in the crowd,
like Raymond Claiborne, Stanley Morgan. Um,
my mind's spinning. They, they just, they, uh, Andre Tippett.
They had all of these guys in the audience.
Like everywhere I looked, I was like, Oh my God, Mike Ruth was there.
Just was everybody. So I'm waiting to go on. Right.
And, uh, I knew I had to go on after Amendola. Right.
So like these frigging athletes too, by the way, are like, so like low key,
hilarious, like underrated, like they're performing.
Because I just think because they're so good at what they do,
they're always speaking at banquets and all of that stuff.
They always do interviews with the press. So they're like seasoned like a
comedian.
They were all telling stories, laughing, making fun of Tom or whatever.
Good natured stuff.
Then they bring Peyton Manning out and I'll tell you amazing go.
Peyton Manning got an amazing ovation.
Right.
It's probably, it's cause he's done playing at this point.
Then you always end up liking the guy.
Cause Patrick Mahomes, when he did his, he got booed,
which all that's, that's reall