Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-08-12T22:29:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-12. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 12th, 2024.
What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going? How's it going in your world? Are you alright? Is everything
fine with ya?
Are you watching the last day of the Olympics?
Congratulations to the USA men's basketball team winning the gold medal.
God damn it. Which we should.
Because, you know, it was actually invented, the game was invented by a white
man in Springfield, Massachusetts.
You know? So anybody who isn't white and from Massachusetts, specifically
Springfields, is culturally appropriating the white man's game.
Anyway, fucking around here.
I watched a lot of the Olympics this time.
I was amazed, because I have not watched in a long time.
I was amazed at the amount of shit, the amount of sports you can play during
the summer.
I mean, who knew? Who the fuck knew?
And I'll tell you, ping pong and birdie are fucking, they're insane.
Like, watching the fucking speed of those games.
So I've been, like, watching all of these clips of it and everything.
So now that's gotten into my feed on the fucking Instagram.
Because evidently, I'm never gonna, I'm doing better with it.
But that's one addiction.
That's one addiction.
I don't know how to beat that, you know?
Because it's just a fun app to be on.
You know?
I'm telling you, my favorite thing is find the narcissist.
The level that people can just fucking make anything about themselves.
Nature videos are a big one.
Or they just try to get attention.
You know?
Like, you'll see, like, a giraffe giving birth.
And these lions just jump on the baby giraffe.
It's still, like, in the fucking, whatever.
I never took an anatomy class.
The fetal sack, we'll call it.
It's still in the bag.
And they devour it.
It had, like, it lived literally for, like, three seconds.
And there's always somebody there who has to write,
huh, fresh meat.
You know?
And what I hate about it is they're acting like this,
sort of, like, they can handle nature, but you can't.
Because they know everybody's watching it.
Because it's undeniably sad that that fucking thing was born.
It didn't get one chance to run in the wind with its little dumb legs.
It just lands on the ground and is fucking devoured.
And that was its life.
If you're not a human being, if you don't see a sadness in that.
But there's always somebody there who acts to explain that this is how nature
works.
Oh, is that how it works in your fucking one-bedroom apartment, you fucking
jerk-off?
Stop acting like you're out there fucking walking around barefoot, naked and
afraid,
like these fucking idiots trying to win $100,000 on some reality show.
Somebody was telling me the other day, they just, they watch a show where some
guy walks around barefoot in the fucking Amazon.
And he gets a TV show out of it.
It's like, isn't there indigenous people doing that?
Look at me, I have shoes, but I choose not to wear them.
Wow, bro, this guy's like hard fucking core.
But I also have respect for him, because he is fucking hardcore.
You know, there's one person that is not worried about the collapse of an
economy.
You know, the guy that can walk around barefoot in the Amazon.
You know, eating fucking bugs and shit.
I'm in the Matrix, and I'm proud of it.
Oh, Billy Matrix.
Anyway, I have, oh.
Oh, Billy off the road.
Oh, Billy off the road.
Billy, darkness.
All the reasons that I go on the road.
All the reasons I have all these hobbies starts fucking coming up.
And I'm telling you, like, this is, there was this, you know, thing back in the
day.
We're like, now everybody calls everybody toxic.
There's always some word that becomes popular, like a vegetable.
All of a sudden, you know, everybody's got to eat kale.
Right now, everybody seems to be finally addressing the fact of how difficult
eating one of those,
oh, and it's not asparagus.
It's one of those green ones.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
What do you call it?
That prickly green thing, and all the stem and the end of the leaf.
You know what I'm talking about.
Look at that.
I'm doing, like, 80s stand-up.
This guy knows what I'm, this vegan over here, he knows what I'm, she knows
what I'm talking about.
The fuck is that thing called?
It's gonna, I'm just, I gotta let it go.
I gotta let it go, and then it's gonna come to me in the middle of something
else
that has nothing to do with it.
Anyway, everybody's trashing that thing right now, saying it's not worth the
work.
It's too much work.
Just open a bag of Doritos and fucking tie it around your face, you fucking mule.
It's too much work.
You fucking pussy.
You went down to a supermarket, picked one out, dropped it in a pot of fucking
water that flows from a faucet,
and, you know, you don't have to make fire.
You just turn on the stove.
And that's too much fucking work for you.
Eat a dick.
Not asparagus.
Not a rutabaga.
God damn it, that's gonna torture me.
Anyway, the psychology works the same way.
Okay?
Everybody's a fucking narcissist, right?
I do that all the time now.
Anybody who says anything about themselves now, to me, I diagnose them as a
fucking page one.
I like to throw page one or 101 after I make my diagnosis without any sort of
fucking training whatsoever.
Yeah, I got life experience.
That's my degree.
I got street smarts.
Which is a thing.
Life experience is also a thing.
But you know what else is a thing?
Being a fucking moron.
So, if you're on the street and you're a fucking moron, you're not gonna really
learn anything.
And if you have a lot of life experience, or even go to college.
If you're a fucking moron, it just is what it is.
You know?
It's how you process information, I think, is what makes you intelligent.
But then again, I went to summer school, so what the fuck do I know?
Bill, you're gonna make your point.
So, back in the day, there was something that was called anal retentive.
And that's what fucking slobs used to call people that lived like adults.
Like, my whole fucking time of having roommates and, you know, before I got
married and all that, that's what I was called.
I was anal retentive.
And I used to look at them being like, no, I'm a fucking adult.
Like, I do my dishes, I dry them, and I put them away.
I don't want to come home and live in a fucking disaster.
Like, you know, that's like a huge, like, back and forth with me and my lovely
wife, is that whole thing of, like, you have something, you don't want to take
the time to figure out what it is or where it goes.
So, you just open a drawer and you stick it in there and you close it.
And you do that for fucking years.
And the next thing you know, you can't close any of the drawers.
You can't find anything.
If you need the charger for something, you don't know where it is.
You find a charger.
You don't know what the fuck it goes to.
And it drives me up the wall.
I feel like it is a great exercise in being successful is to live a neat,
efficient life.
Me and whatever.
Oh, you fucking anal.
This guy's anal retentive.
It's like you go into his house.
It's like ex machina.
They say all that shit.
And it's like, no.
It's organized.
And it's efficient.
And what it is, is along the way, all of these little problems.
Where does this go?
You know, oh, I got to bring this all the way upstairs.
All of those little problems.
They don't go away when you shove it in the drawer.
So, it's a great discipline that when you have a problem is to face the fucking
thing.
So, it doesn't grow into a bigger problem.
And if you do that in your life, the way you live, it gradually seeps into the
way you work.
Because I still do it.
I still have, I got a drawer of shit right next to my bed that I have let get
disgusted.
And I'm constantly out of control.
And that's like my project here.
Because I don't have any road gigs for the rest of the month.
I have one, two, three, four drawers in this little pile of shit in the corner
of my bedroom.
And I'm determined to get rid of all of it.
Organize it or do something like that.
And anyway, so, my whole time growing up, for the most part, I used to, when I
lived with people, I just realized, you know, if I made a mess, like in a
common area, I would pick up.
Because I didn't want them coming home to my fucking mess.
Making somebody else clean up my mess.
That's not fucking cool, right?
So, I've been like that.
And for the longest time, I was like, oh, it's because I was fucking raised
right.
And all this shit.
I'm an adult and everything.
And now, I'll be honest with you.
I think it's just because I wake up and I just start doing shit.
Because if I don't, I fall into a depression.
Like, if I don't have something to do, if I don't have a problem that needs to
be solved or something new to learn, then I am just sitting there alone with my
thoughts.
And the only time I can sit alone with my thoughts and not fall into a
depression is when I'm smoking a cigar.
Which I got to tell you, oh, my God, do I miss those things.
I'm 12 days in.
I'm happy I'm 12 days in.
But I'm also not happy.
I got a good interview coming up with one of my favorite comedians in the world.
And he's from Ireland.
Tommy Ternan.
And I found out that he smokes cigars.
And it's just his whole attitude toward it.
It's going to be one of these Thursday podcasts.
You've got to see it.
He said the funniest thing.
I didn't really notice it in the moment.
But I thought about it later.
He said, I try to smoke every day.
Everyone else tries to quit.
And this guy is trying to smoke a cigar every day.
I just thought that was so fucking funny and great.
Because he knows, like, it helps him mentally.
I try to smoke every day.
I make an effort.
Like, you know, I try to give thanks every day.
So, I don't know.
I hope the planets align.
And I have a gig in Ireland.
And I'm in the same town as him.
Because I would love to just sit there.
He's one of the greatest storytellers I've ever met.
And it's so effortless.
And he's so funny.
And what I always find with people like that is they're also, like, great
listeners.
As opposed to me, who never shuts the hell up.
Which is why I do this podcast by myself.
It actually isn't.
It's because I fucking, I don't want to deal with guests.
And their schedule.
And their bullshit.
And then fucking, can you give me ten minutes?
Oh, what did we say today?
I just would rather not deal with that.
So, anyway, I wake up this morning.
And, you know, I don't know.
I always wake up next to my wife.
We start joking around.
She always makes me laugh or something like that, right?
So, I go, you want to take the kids out for breakfast?
She's like, eh, you know, I don't know.
I think I'll, I think I'll stay, we'll stay here, blah, blah, blah.
Next thing, I'm downstairs making everybody a fucking Grand Slam breakfast.
And it's funny.
If people see that, they look at me and go, like, Jesus, dude, you are, like,
such a family, man.
You are such a great dad.
It's like, no, no, that's not what it is.
I have demons.
I mean, it is.
I am a great, but it's funny, though.
All of my fucked up shit in, in, in my head causes me to, like, be like a good
husband and father.
I go downstairs, right?
First thing I do is I get, I get some sort of skillet going.
Empty the dishwasher, dry off any dishes that are in the little rack next to
the fucking sink.
Then I start making breakfast for everybody.
I mean, I got the shit down.
My wife likes a decaf oat milk latte, extra sweet vanilla.
I don't have any oat milk.
I don't believe in it.
All right?
There's titty milk when you're a kid.
And then there's cow milk.
And fuck everything else.
It's just how I was raised.
And I have no problem with fucking 4% milk.
Anyway, but we get two.
That's the compromise.
But anything after that looks like fucking glue or paste to me.
And I'm not fucking drinking it.
It's like water.
It's gross.
So, anyway.
So, I got a grinder for her decaf.
I got my caffeinated shit in, like, the espresso machine.
I make my...
My son asks for a parfait.
My daughter wants pancakes.
My wife w