Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-09-26T22:02:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, you fucking
douche. How's
it going? Oh, Billy fucking sickbay. I'm still working his way through
influenza A. Drinking
meteorite. That's where I'm at. You know, it's like I'm past the flu, but
whatever it took
out of me, I haven't figured out what to eat or drink to get myself back. You
know, it's
all because of that goddamn nosy barefoot cowboy I sat next to. I still can't
believe he looked
over my shoulder and goes, when does the play start? You know, just people like
that. It's
just like who fucking raised you? Where the fuck are your shoes? Horrible,
horrible goddamn
people. So anyway, I worked out for the first time. I got this new old guy
workout. It's
fantastic. High reps, lightweights, two sets of everything. Fuck this three
sets. I've done
that. You know, I already did that. When I was a young man, I used to do three
shows Saturday
night. I don't fucking do that anymore. I do one fucking show. All right. I
come out with
my walker on stage. God damn it. That's it. Speaking of which, I did a benefit
show last
night at the comedy store. And I did two shows. I'm not going to get into the
tragedy of it. It was just
fucking one of the worst stories ever. But anyway, and I'm not going to lie to
you. Oh, Billy was
sweating it there. And not because I'm coming out of the flu there. Not because
I'm walking around
with a clammy forehead for like the last fucking two weeks. You know, I see it.
People look at me.
They're like, he's, he's, he's begun the dying process. You know, and I got to
be like, remember,
remember Steve McQueen and Papillon when he stuck his head out through the,
through the fucking jail
door and he asked the other guy, how do I look? And earlier he'd asked this
other guy how he looked
and the guy died. Um, anyway, it's how people have been looking at me. So, uh,
I went down to the
store last night and oh, oh freckles, you know, I taped a special on the end of
June. And then I did
a benefit at that movie theater in Gardena. And I felt my new hour coming. And
usually I just continue
on the road, but because old twinkle toes is going to be showing his ass on
Broadway next,
next year. Um, I just decided to take the summer off and spend time with the
family, Maggie, you know,
with my, with my family, right? Which I still stand by that decision, but I did
a shockingly low amount
of standup. Um, and then I was like, all right, I'm going to, the kids go back
to school end of
August. I'm going to ramp this fucking thing up. I got this tour coming up, um,
up to 99 in, uh,
California and, uh, doing all of these fucking killer venues and all these
killer towns and all of
that. Like, I'm really excited to go to Stockton. I've never been to Stockton,
you know, made famous
by the Diaz brothers in, uh, the UFC. And then also, um, there's a movie called
Fat City
with Stacy Keech and Jeff Bridges. And it starts off with this amazing
establishing shot
of Stockton, California to establish the setting of the characters. And it was,
it was the beginning of that movie that I was trying to figure out how to do
the setting for old dads
that, you know, I got the idea from. So anyway, um, in September, I was
supposed to fucking do all of
this standup to get ready to, you know, to get my fucking shit jokes together.
And then I sat next to
the barefoot cowboy, the nosy guy, right? The looky Lou. And I caught influenza
A,
which is really just a flu. But once they say influenza, it feels like it's the
fucking 1920s,
like I got tuberculosis. And, um, that just killed the whole fucking month. And
all of a sudden this
benefit came up. So I did a spot Tuesday night, felt pretty good about it, but
I was like, how the
fuck am I going to do an hour? And last night I did this new hour and I did one
joke from my old act
on each show, a different joke. And even on the second one, I left out this
long story that I
told in the first one and old Billy's got his new fucking hour. You know, my
lovely wife came down to
the comedy store and I was talking to a buddy of mine going like, you know, I
am so fucking happy.
I know how to do that. And he was saying, how the fuck do you, how do you do
that? Like,
how do you just go out there and wing it? I'm telling you, it's this podcast,
all of these years
of just fucking sitting here talking and acting like an idiot over an hour. I
can just turn my
brain off and just start talking. But, um, I am so fucking excited because I
was really nervous.
You know, my next special is probably coming out in the beginning part of next
year and I'm going
to be in rehearsals and all of that. And then you guys will have seen all of my
fucking jokes.
And then I can't go out and tour and do the same hour. I was going to, I was
going to, I was in a
fucking pickle there. So I was so excited. Um, I did three shows last night. I
did an hour in the
main room. Then I went upstairs, the belly room. I did 15 minutes and then I
came back down and did
another hour. And it was just like the old school days at the store of just
hanging there the whole
night riffing and just the fucking craziest shit. I said some of the most
fucked up shit,
just like random dumb shit last night. And it just was all turning into bits.
So this is how the game
of comedy works. It went great last night because I was just up there not
thinking. So the next time I
go to run my hour, what I'm going to do, don't you see, is I'm going to be
mentally where I was last
night rather than present. And then that whole hour is going to shrink down to
about 39 minutes and
then I'll be panicking again. But right now, right now I am in a great fucking
mood. I am in a great
mood. So thank you to everybody who came out the store last night. Um, despite
the underlying sadness,
it was, uh, it was a, uh, it was a very, a positive thing and a healing thing
for everybody involved.
Um, also, uh, what else? Yeah. So I, I worked out, I like doing fucking two
sets of curls instead of
three, two sets of curls. And you're on to tries like, what am I fucking trying
to be Mr. Olympia?
You know, those days are over. I don't take HGH or steroids like half the
fucking country now. Um, not
half the country, half the, uh, I'd say third of the country is on steroids and
HGH. And then like
another, like 40% is on like Ozempic. And then there, then there's just the
naturals just fucking
riding it out, you know? Oh, Billy parfait, having a little Greek yogurt,
trying to get the stomach right.
A little pediolite shuffling around town at this point. All right. I'm not
ready to pack it in.
So anyway, I got this tour coming up. I have, um, my shows in Paris. I got this
show in Tacoma,
Tacoma, right? I got the shows in Tacoma and, um, and I'm fucking ready to go.
I am sitting here
right now, like chill in this chair, legs crossed, not a fucking care in the
world. That's
how great the shows went last night. Um, this is what this podcast is going to
be. It's just
going to be me sitting here complimenting myself. You know, I'm so psyched. The
presidential election,
the, whatever the fuck this is, the running of president is almost over.
God bless anyone who's just sat there and just watched any of this fucking
bullshit.
I really do love how like it's becoming more mainstream for people to be asking
what the fuck
is going on with our food supply. That is a really, really, really healthy
sign that there's still a fucking democracy here that you can do that because
the laws about it are
crazy. You know, there was some woman in front of the Senate going like, why do
Froot Loops look
like this in Europe? And why do they look like this here?
I guess in Europe, they're not colorful and ours are full of all of this
fucking, I don't know what.
I mean, literally everything. I was reading this shit that what's in Cheerios.
It's like, what,
what are they doing? These, I'm telling you right now, these fucking people
should be hunted down and
they should get the death penalty. Like what they did to the, to the, to the
food supply is literally
terrorism on your own fucking people. It's treasonous. It's terrorism. And all
of you watch all of these
red and blue tie cunts just look the other fucking way, you know, so they can
get their fucking Cape
House down and fucking, uh, Narragansett beach or whatever the, wherever the
fuck these people go,
wherever the fuck they go.
My favorite thing is these ex-politicians going out and buying up land that
sits on aquifers
because they're not going to do anything to try and stop the corporations from
destroying the planet.
So they're like, we might as well profit off of it. But what I love about that,
it's like, dude,
the planet's going to heat up. Your water's going to fucking evaporate. Like,
what are you going to do
with your fucking aquifer land when it's on fire? I'm sure they got it figured
out.
Probably got a bunch of water underneath a mountain right now.
Like that's the direction they're headed. You know, that's, that's where they're
operating.
That's what they're thinking about is we're getting ready for the Olympics here
in LA.
What a shit show that's going to be. Um, I already know a bunch of people that
are already talking
about it. What are you doing for the Olympics? It's like, I'm getting the fuck
out of LA.
I'm not going to get out of LA. I'm just not going to go anywhere for two weeks.
I'm just going to stay in
my house. I'm going to quarantine, you know, I'm just going to get enough food.
You know, I'm going to watch
some fucking movies. I've been watching some great ones. I watched this Coen
brother one that I somehow
missed. The man who wasn't there when it came out. This gorgeous black and
white movie that they shot.
And it has, um, Billy Bob Thornton, Franz McDermott and, uh, James Gandolfini.
And it's just, it's
the dude from Monk. I'm not good with the names. Um, just an incredible movie.
And I will say what's
was unsettling is how much I related to Billy Bob's character. Um, it's sort of
a married guy thing.
And it's one of those things where, you know, whatever this movie, I keep
forgetting the name
of the movie, the man who wasn't there. It's like, everybody sees him, but they
don't see him.
They don't hear him. Like one of the running jokes in the movie is they'll ask
him if, you know,
you want a cigarette? And then he just like holds up like the fact that he's
already smoking a
cigarette. Like people just like, they just sort of talk at him and he says
things and nobody like
hears him. And I was just watching and going like, that's how I felt as a kid.
And that's how I feel
sometimes as a husband. I don't know if you've ever had this experience where
you fucking put your foot
down. Like me, my, my big thing is clutter going. I don't want to live like
this. Okay. Do you
understand this? I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live in a
fucking world where shit
is being put in front of doors that need to be opened. Like closet doors. Like
what, what are we
doing? Like the closet door floor should just be a floor. It shouldn't be like
something where you
just, that's more space. Get rid of shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. What do they do
after all day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. What do they do? They fucking continue
to buy more shit and not
throw anything out. So, um, and then what happens? And then you flip out, you
finally flip out after
fucking asking and talking and communicating about it. And then, then you
become the bad guy and that's how
the math works on that, man. Oh, Billy, the victim. That's a great thing about
doing a podcast
yourself. You know, there's nobody there to disagree with you and your version
of the stories. So,
so I know I'm still coughing here, but like I was, I was coughing way worse. So
this is sort of the
last, um, little bit of it. I'm still not drinking coffee. I'm trying to switch
over to tea. I d