Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-10-21T18:21:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-21. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, October 21st, 2024.
You hear that? You hear that sound? What's going on? How are you? I hope you
could hear that.
That was one of those sirens that you're hearing in Europe.
I'm here in Paris now. I arrived... I don't know. Two hours ago?
I'm so happy because I have three performances this week.
Un, jeudi soir. Deux, mercredi soir. Trois. Lundi, mardi, mercredi. Jeudi soir.
Et puis, je suis fin.
That's it. Anyway, I am out here, and couldn't have a good time doing my act in
English, obviously.
In between, I'm going to be fucking trying out my French and all of that shit.
It's been a long time. I haven't been here in like three years.
It's overcast or whatever, but I am jet-lagged.
I used to know how to say jet-lagged in French.
I can't fucking remember.
I don't fucking remember.
Anyway, they broke my fucking luggage because like an asshole, I didn't realize...
You know those stupid fucking locks.
First of all, it's a plastic lock.
It's so dumb.
So, I don't know.
I'm just putting the luggage in the car if the numbers switch so they were
locked.
You know, terrorism.
They got to break the fucking things open.
So, I get my luggage.
My clothes are hanging out of it and shit.
They broke both bags.
Fucking assholes.
But I get it.
Fucking asshole terrorists.
And colonists.
Whatever the fuck you call them.
Whoever created the terrorists.
The English.
I'm blaming the English.
I'm blaming the English.
The English is so fucking bad, they create even like white...
There's even white terrorists against them.
They literally piss everybody off.
Anyway.
And we're following in their footsteps because we got their fucking blood in us.
And with that.
And with that.
And with that.
This is the podcast.
I wish I wasn't so tired.
I'm going to do my best here to get through this.
Oh, Jesus.
You don't want to hear that.
I'm going to do my best like a fucking backup.
I'm going to game.
I'm going to game manage this podcast.
I was watching Georgia beating the shit out of fucking the Texas Longhorns.
And then they started coming back, but I think they held them off.
I saw until the third quarter and then my kids came in and that was the end of
that.
I missed all the pro football.
I saw the scores.
I hate to tell you this, but the fucking betting against the Patriots every
week has just been a lock for me.
And not only are they not winning, they're not even remotely coming close to
fucking covering spreads.
How about Michigan losing to the fight in the Lion Eye?
And how about those helmets that the fighting in the Lion Eye had?
Those things were the shit.
And how about this?
And how about that?
And how about...
How the fuck do you say jet lagged?
I mean...
I can't remember.
Anyway, I'm just going to do that the whole fucking...
My back is better.
Finally.
Here's one for you.
Here's a back stretch I came up with on the plane because sitting down has been
messing up my back.
If you have like that back pain that's like, you know, in like your lower back.
You know, it's funny.
Some listener goes like, "Maybe you have kidney stones."
Kidney stones.
I thought I had back pain, but I had fucking kidney stones.
I think I would know the difference between throwing out my fucking back and
passing a kidney stone.
Throwing out your back is one thing.
I've seen...
I saw Joe Bartnick pass a fucking kidney stone at the Rose Bowl tailgate.
That was not back pain.
So anyway, I kind of came up with this stretch that really worked for me.
So you're sitting there, right?
You're in the airplane chair there.
And I cross my...
Because it's my lower left back, right?
So I cross my left leg over my right and I have my foot resting right on the
knee.
The left foot resting on my right knee.
Basically that.
I reach up with my left hand and stretch over to the right.
And I take my right hand and I press down on the knee of my left leg.
And then with my right foot, I lift up onto the ball of it.
So why would I think an audio you could understand that opened the hip up and
kind of freed up the nerve?
Because I was really worried that I was going to be fucking 10 hours on a plane
and I was going to be in traction this week.
So...
Oh, Billy.
Oh, Billy's having a hell of a day.
I made so many rookie mistakes.
I didn't make sure that my luggage wasn't locked.
I get it.
They got to fucking bust the things.
Those goddamn bags.
They've been everywhere.
I got my little fucking Paris sticker on it from fucking 10 years ago.
I got to start all over again.
And then I pack my toiletries.
I check the bag.
And what I usually do, pro move here.
If you have any sort of liquids, lotions or anything, you just untwist the cap
just a little bit so the air pressure stays the same.
And then the cap doesn't fucking, you know, burst open during the flight and
shoot fucking whatever.
Shave and cream, lotion or whatever all over the inside of your plastic bag.
Oh, Billy, 0 for 2!
Gonna hear those sirens all week.
Wee, no, nee, no, nee, no.
Anyway, let's talk a little sports here.
The New York Yankees are going to the World Series.
And you know what's fucking hilarious?
I had like three friends of mine, Yankee fans.
And they had their head in the oven after losing whatever they lost.
Game, was it three?
I think it was game three.
And they were like, no, this is a devastating loss.
I'm like, you're still up two games to one.
You're a $300 million team going up against a $100 million team.
But no, these are the kind of losses that can really affect you.
They came back and won the next two games.
I was, I texted one of my friends who's a Yankee fan.
I said, don't ever send me another panic text about the Cleveland Guardians.
By the way, why didn't they just go with the Tribe?
Could they have gotten away with that?
The Cleveland Tribe?
Could you send them?
I don't know.
The Guardians.
They just sound like they're fucking rent-a-cops.
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Guardians of Lake Erie.
And I feel like the Dodgers are going to close out the Mets.
It's going to be Yankees and Dodgers.
You can have $600 million worth of fucking baseball players out there.
I haven't looked at like payrolls because I was like, I was like, you know,
rooting for the Mets.
I'm going, fuck the Dodgers with their giant payroll.
I looked up the Dodgers payroll.
It was like $320 million.
Then I looked up the Mets and the Mets, they somehow spent more money.
But I've been enjoying the baseball and, but I do have to, I keep harping on
this.
I just think these home run trots and bad flips are just fucking bizarre.
And I don't understand why as a stand-up comedian, I can't drop an F-bomb, but
they can clearly be dropping F-bombs right in.
Let's fucking go.
Fucking motherfucking.
Bitch.
Yeah.
Motherfucker.
Way around the bases.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
People have been hitting home runs in Major League Baseball for over a century.
And no one ever needed to do that.
I don't understand the fucking punching yourself in the chest like Celine Dion
cursing your fucking brains out.
And then my, and then the new thing too, is I love right before we get to the
third base bag, you got to do your little fucking, what's that Irish dance with
the wooden shoes or whatever the fuck they do.
The forbidden dance of the fucking Phantom of the Opera.
One of those things that people with that like save programs know about.
You ever see those sad people?
They have their programs just on the shelf of all the fucking things they went
to.
This is the auto show.
And then I saw Rave.
It was a musical about Burning Man.
And they just save all of them.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Uh, I'm going to remember that jet lag thing the second I fucking stopped this
podcast.
I swear to God.
Um, what else?
Oh, I watched the MotoGP.
I'm so caught up with MotoGP.
I even saw the sprint.
How about that fucking crash?
I can't believe the dude on the yellow bike.
I forget his name.
Is it Marco Pacecki?
I can't believe he didn't break his legs the way he was ragdolling.
And after they crashed, the other dude was so Maverick Vinales.
Was it?
He was so fucking mad.
He jumped up and he gave the other guy the finger and the other guy wasn't
moving.
I was joking with that with a buddy of mine.
And I was like, I think he was just mad.
So he jumped up and he gave him the finger.
And then he looked going like, oh, fuck that guy isn't moving.
Please don't die.
Because then it's going to be like, how could you give the finger to a man
dying after falling off a motorcycle?
So Jorge Martin won the sprint, which is seven points.
And then Peko Begnaje was like, I don't know where the fuck he was.
He wasn't in the top floor, so all he got was one point.
So I think Jorge picked up six points there.
And then on the main race, I never seen this happen before.
They do the warm up lap.
They all come to a stop.
Mark Marquez is like, I think he's like second.
And, you know, they got those tear away visors if you get some stuff on it.
So he tears away his visor right before the lights go out and the race starts.
And he fucking throws the thing over his shoulder.
It floats in the air and lands underneath his back tire.
So when he lets out the clutch and he rolls on the throttle, like he fishtailed
left, right, left.
And like 10 bikes went past him.
He went from second to like 12th.
And within the first two turns, he had already passed four people.
It was unbelievable.
And he came all the way from back then that horrific start to actually win the
race.
And he had a great back and forth with Jorge Martin at the end of the race.
And I feel like with two laps left, Jorge just said, fuck it.
You know, I'm picking up another four points on Peko.
This will get me, you know, I guess 10 points over the weekend more than him.
I got this weird feeling.
I think Marc Marquez might take it.
I don't know how far back he is.
Last I checked, he was in third place in the points.
But I feel like he's riding better than any of them.
And they're kind of saying he turned back the clock or whatever.
But I just think he's, I don't know what happened.
He got his confidence back.
And then also he's riding the Ducati.
I don't know what happened with the Rexall Honda or whatever.
But it was a great race down under on Phillips Island or something.
I don't even know where the fuck that is.
But I'm all in with that stuff.
Dude, I'm sorry.
My fucking brain is beyond fucking exhausted at this point.
So, I don't even remember the flight.
I just got on it.
And I fucking passed out.
And I woke up.
It's funny.
Like, they always wake you up.
With like an hour left in the flight.
They like wake you up.
It's like, why are you waking me up?
I'm sleeping.
She wakes me up.
She's like, do you want breakfast?
It's like, who wants breakfast when they're sleeping?
That's as bizarre a question as if you woke me up and said, do you want to go
play tennis?
I guess they're anticipating when you get up.
I think I said yes.
I woke up.
I just had a cup of tea and a croissant.
And that was the end of my flight.
I didn't watch one movie.
It was a really easy flight.
But now I am completely, completely wiped out.
You know what I keep thinking?
I keep thinking Eau Dupree, which means that's too expensive, right?
Say Cher, Eau Dupree.
Unaffordable, right?
But that's what I'm thinking of when I'm trying to think of jet lagged.
It's something like that.
It's like three fucking words.
All right.
Do I need to like shut this off and fucking start over again?
You know what?
I'm just going to go into the reads.
Guys, this is, fellas and ladies, this is just good.
Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about.
I saw that movie, The Wild Robot.
I saw it with my lovely wife and my two kids.
They all loved the movie.
I thought it was a really good movie.
There was, you know, a couple of weird messages in the movie that I didn't like.
You know, not to be an overprotective parent, but I kind of felt, you know,
t