Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-11-12T18:27:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-12. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
November 11th, 2024. What's going on? How are you? Ah, geez. Ah, geez, Louise.
I'm back in LA.
Oh, Billy. Who can turn the world on with his ass? Sorry, I am a little loopy.
Big week last week.
Worked a bunch. My head's still spinning from that amazing experience, and I'm
now back out here in LA.
Today, I turned into a pumpkin. All right? What, did you host SNL? Guess what?
Life doesn't care.
This is my day, so my wife had a huge, like, thing she's got to go do, so I'm
Mr. Mom.
And today, all right, what did I deal with? Bathtub water would not stop. I
couldn't shut it off.
Clogged toilet. My son puked. And what else? I can't figure out how to shut my
fucking wife's car off.
She's got this stupid fucking electric car, right? And when you walk up to it
with the keys on,
like, I swear to God, it plays this sustained chord, like,
And it just keeps going. And it's as annoying as just listening to me trying to
hold a fucking note.
It does that. It's like a choir, like,
Like, what the fuck?
Why?
I just spent 20 minutes on the internet figuring out how to go into the
settings to fucking shut that off.
So anyway, I'm fucking dealing with this stupid fucking goddamn over-fucking-designed
car.
Like, there's no need for any of this shit.
None of it. It is just, it weighs a million fucking pounds,
and it has all of this fucking bells and whistles on it that you don't even
need.
You don't fucking need any of it.
We were good in the 90s.
All it is, is they're just coming up with new technology to get these fucking
morons who stand outside stores
because they're excited the next smartphone came out, right?
You know what would be great?
If nobody bought the next smartphone, and we just said,
This is it. We're done with this one.
We're done with this one.
And then we were like Cuba.
We just stayed with the fucking cars we had.
We just kept fixing them up.
And we're like, fuck you. We're not getting any more of these.
And then we stayed with cash.
Like, fuck you.
We're not going into this whole thing where if I want to buy a pack of gum at 7-Eleven,
you have to scan my face.
It would be great if we just stopped there, but I don't see us.
I don't see it happening.
I don't see a world where we can get on the same page
because anybody who says shit like that is deemed a conspiracy theorist,
a fucking tinfoil-hatted person, or whatever.
But I think we're going to be all right, though.
I think we'll be fine because the guy that starred in The Apprentice
is president again, and he is currently talking to Dr. Phil
about national security.
Please tell me.
Please tell me that video isn't real.
Please tell me that two fucking TV stars are not running this country right now.
Please tell me that that's...
That would be like back in the day if one of the hosts from That's Incredible
was talking to fucking Mike Douglas about the Cuban Missile Crisis,
whatever the fuck was going on.
The Iran hostages.
The hostages in Iran.
It was like, oh, my God, stay in your own fucking lane.
Yeah, it's unreal.
The last three presidential elections.
Is it just me?
Is it just me or the last three presidential elections?
I feel like this country was like the Cleveland Browns trying to pick a
quarterback.
And how about the Democratic Party?
This is the third election in a row where you didn't get to decide
who you were going to have run, you know?
You chose Bernie Sanders in 2016 and 2020, and they were like, no, fuck you.
Fuck you.
You're not getting anybody that's going after the corporations and the banks.
You're getting a career politician.
Here is Hillary Clinton.
Here is that Weekend at Bernie's guy that we just had for the last fucking four
years.
And then they wheeled him around for three and a half years.
And at the last second, they're like, all right, the vice president.
That's your fucking choice.
Who, not for nothing, you know?
Standing on the outside, the guy who always likes the fringe candidate,
just saying that, like, she mopped the floor with him in the debates,
and he was such a pussy, he wouldn't go back.
But that doesn't count.
Doesn't count.
None in substance does not count.
That's why, you know, I was talking about the pantsuit in my fucking monologue.
Just do what you got to do to get that free drink and then have respect for
yourself.
Speaking of which, I want to thank everybody.
Obviously, Lorne Michaels, everybody over there.
I had such a, I could not have had a better time.
And the cast was amazing.
Just, they have so many frigging ridiculous, everybody over there was a beast.
Everyone I did a sketch with, and what I loved was they were also all in their
own lane.
So there was no overlap, and there was plenty of room for everybody.
And I don't even know how many sketches I did, but each one of them was easier
than the next
because of the people I was doing the sketches with.
So thank you to them, thank you to the writers, the whole thing.
And shout out to the musical guests, McGee, spelt M-K space G-E-E.
I was blown away by them, how cool they were, how great their music was, and
then their work ethic.
Like the first day they did soundcheck, I was like, oh, you guys are on the
road.
When's your next gig?
And they're like, tonight.
We're driving to Philly right now.
So I was like, all right, well, there you go.
That's why they're as good as they are.
That's how it's done.
I know a lot of people don't do it that way anymore, but that's how it was done
when I was coming up.
Comedians, musicians, everybody.
You just road dog every fucking night.
And that's how you got better at what you did.
So they were amazing.
And then the lovely Nia came out.
The first time I did it, she stayed in the dressing room, and this time she
wanted to watch in the audience.
And I wasn't able to see her until one sketch I did.
I forget which one it was.
I think it was when I was doing the support group guy with the man bun.
I looked up and I saw her.
She had a big grin on her face.
And, you know, I've told you forever, out of everybody I make laugh, if I make
her laugh, that's the big one for me.
So it was awesome to have her there.
And, yeah, it just was an amazing experience.
And everybody over there could not have made it any easier.
So pretty goddamn cool, man.
And there's no way to say how huge that show is.
Oh, and Dana Carvey.
Oh, my God.
Dana Carvey doing Elon Musk.
And I got to be on that stage with him in the end and having him, you know, say
hello and say I did a good job.
It was just like when I first started watching SNL, it was right before he got
on the show.
It was when Martin Short, Billy Crystal, those years.
I hate when that happens.
And then what was that character that Martin Short used to do with the spiked
hair, that crazy dance in the triangle?
Which, by the way, he has come up with some of the most insane, amazing
characters of all time.
But then Dana's class came in with Dennis, Jan Hooks, and all of them.
Phil Hartman, rest his soul.
All of them.
It was just amazing.
The whole thing was just, I don't know, I've been watching it forever.
And, like, I'm still such a huge fan of the show that at one point I'm sitting
there and they're, like, they got sort of the war room board up there and they're
trying to figure out the show.
And I'm sitting up there and I'm watching Lorne Michaels looking at the board
and talking to people and everything.
And I was able to be present enough to be like, how nuts is it that I am in
this guy's office right now and I'm hosting this show?
This is insane.
I used to watch this in high school and I used to come to school on Monday and
me and my friends would talk about all the sketches and now I'm on this thing.
And I was thinking, you know, someday I'll be, like, God willing, in my 70s or
80s walking past Rockefeller Center, you know, thinking, oh, man, I did that
show.
And it happened right in there and I was able to think all of that stuff as it
was happening.
So it was a great time.
All right.
Sorry about that.
That's going to seem weird in the edit, but my kids a little sick came in.
I had to deal with that.
All right.
I'm back.
I'm going to finish this fucking podcast.
It's now 11 o'clock at night, East Coast time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is not the Monday morning podcast.
It's the Monday evening podcast.
Yeah.
I did put the kids to bed and do all of that.
We watched the end of the Dolphins beating the Rams.
I mean, what's up with that, man?
Anyway, it was fun to be back in New York.
They were putting up the Christmas tree, man.
And after I would be done rehearsing every night, I kept going down to the cellar.
I would do the cellar, the village underground, and then go back to the cellar,
run the monologue like three times a night.
So they had like a car service.
So I would jump in the car and I would go down Fifth Avenue and they don't have
one bus lane.
They have two fucking bus lanes.
And then everybody's just jammed over there with the cars.
Like this went back to Bloomberg for some reason.
I think those richy rich people, they look at Europe and they just love that
everyone rides around on fucking bicycles and everything.
And I think that works well for Europe.
I just don't think we are set up the same way.
It's really difficult, I think, to go from horses to cars back to bikes.
I think if you went from horses to bikes and then to cars.
Like we never really did the bike thing.
Maybe.
I don't think so.
I'm trying to think of a period where there was a button in any of our cities
where it was mainly people riding bicycles.
Like you just don't see that.
But in Europe, they kind of have had that.
So I feel like their cities are more set up for that.
I was going to pick my kids up from school today and there was a person on a
fucking scooter.
This woman, I swear to God, young, like in her 20s or something.
And my buddy, my writing partner was following me over because we were going to
grab something to eat and we were working on this scene in the script.
And then I was going to, you know, we go our separate ways and go, I go get my
kids.
I look at a few mirror.
It's two lanes on our side.
And this person just was like in the left lane.
And then they just changed to the right lane, never looked back.
And I just laughed to myself thinking like, that's the same kind of person that
says I would never ride a motorcycle.
It was terrifying.
I was just looking, I was going, look at this fucking idiot.
And then she went by me and I realized that it was, she was only in like her 20s
and that it was a woman.
And that's why I was just thinking like, I immediately thought of my daughter
doing that.
I was like, oh my God, I would, I would have a heart attack.
But anyway, so going back to New York is, yeah, I finally, I finally gotten
myself.
I wasn't good with New York, where I was sort of off my game.
Like I used to know how to navigate it.
But once those electric bikes came in over the last like 10 years, like, oh my
God, the amount of times I almost got clipped.
And now I'm kind of like used to that bike lane.
And that's the thing.
They're not fucking bicycles.
They're like these, a little, they're like mopeds, except they're electric.
That's essentially what they are at this point.
But mopeds made noise.
So you knew that they were coming.
These fucking things.
It's like, remember Scott Stevens move in the NHL?
You'd be following through on a fucking slap shot and he would come gliding by
with his shoulder and just end your fucking career.
I felt like that's what was going to happen when I was out there.
And then what was going to, and then, you know, typical humanity, you blame the
person that gets hit, not the fucking person that did the hitting.
So this is the first time I was back in New York and, you know, I felt good
about that.
And then like another amazing thing is like Trump Tower is right there.
So like there's all of this security there because now he's going to 