Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-12-05T22:28:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-05. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for Thursday afternoon, just
before Friday,
Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in. Checking in on you. What's
going on? How
are you? Oh my God, it's the fucking holiday season and I haven't even shopped
yet. I have
yet to open my computer and go onto Amazon and click on things. When will I
find the
time? Let me tell you young people something. Dude, you never would have
survived Christmas
shopping in the 80s when I was a kid. These fucking generation whatever they
are, oh my
God, they couldn't fucking handle the 80s. Trying to go buy somebody a fucking
itchy sweater
while fighting the urge to go to PewDiePie and get yourself a muffin. That's
what the fucking
streets were like out in the suburbs with the malls. That's what's wrong with
this fucking
country, man. That's why everybody's so fucking soft is because you can do your
Christmas shopping
at home. Do you have any idea, man? Why does everybody think when they grew up
was so fucking
difficult? Somebody was just commenting on that fucking CEO got whacked in New
York and somebody
wrote, this is Chicago. New York is Chicago in the 1930s. It's like, no, it isn't.
Nobody's
dying of syphilis. All right. And nobody goes to jail for tax evasion. Unless
you have no
money. You could never have survived Chicago in the 1930s. Plenty of pussies
lived in Chicago
in the 1930s. They were called accountants and they did fine. Stop acting like
everybody had a fucking
tommy gun and they were working for Capone. They weren't. There was plenty of
fucking, there was nerds
back then. There's always been nerds. There was browbeaten men. Okay. Just,
just stop it with this.
I will say though, um, Christmas shopping in the fucking eighties. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my Lord.
You'd go down to the mall and it would, the people were parking on the grass
and it was, it was so
fucking stupid. Everybody going down there. I got it. I got all these people in
my life and I have to go
buy them shit. And that was the eighties. Guess where all that shit is now. It's
out in the fucking
ocean. All of that fucking, all your parachute pants, all your sweats by EB, BBB,
whatever the
fucking those things were called. Remember those? They were literally slacks
that they put like a
different colored stripe down the side. And every white kid who thought he
could breakdance had to
go out and go get them. Um, so they could be the suburban white B boy. I, I
kept it real. I always
had the fucking Levi's not cause I didn't know, no, no, no, no, no, no. I had
the maroon ones with
the gray stripe. But then what would happen is if you forgot to tie them, you'd
get fucking pantsed as
you were walking up the stairs. Someone would come behind you. Of course, when
the prettiest girl that
you had a crush on was on, they'd grab your pants and fucking yank them down.
Oh, the humiliation.
And you know what? There was no cell phones. There was no security cameras,
nothing to fucking
record it. So it was your word against the bully. And then if you told on them,
you know, then you
were the one who went to the teacher and it fucking, you were a tattletale.
Nobody said you were a rat out
in the suburbs. That was a, that was a fucking inner city thing. And then
enough movies came out where
they were saying this guy, we got a fucking rat in the house. I got a bad
feeling. I think this guy's
eating cheese. If you know what I mean, are you saying he's a rat? I'm saying
he's a fucking rat. I
don't know if he, I don't know who the rat is. We got a fucking rat in the
house. All right, this is what I
want you to do. I want you to go out to fucking lunch with Mikey. Okay. It's
fucking hot out. If
he shows up with another long sleeve shirt, don't even pat him down. Just shoot
him in the fucking
head. That's what happened at the food court in the malls when I was growing up
and you had to walk
around the blood splatter. All right. To go buy somebody Donkey Kong. I will
tell you the, the Christmas
shopping though was a fucking shit show. It was a shit show. Like, I don't even
know how to describe it.
Just, it was like leaving. Just imagine the crowd leaving a football game.
Okay. After a big victory, not a big victory, whatever. I didn't know what, I
don't even know
what the outcome is, but everybody's just leaving. Okay. But nobody's leaving.
They're just walking
around and they're just, everybody's going in at this. Not like everybody's
walking towards a parking
lot. Everybody's walking against one another to go in and buy shit that nobody
fucking needs.
Um, I get it. I remember a long time ago, I worked with this comedian and he
just said,
Christmas is for the kids. You know what I mean? But the problem is, is you get
married, right?
I mean, if you're smart, okay, as a man, you're gay and you marry a dude. Okay.
Cause if you're a
man and you marry a woman, that's another child you have to buy a gift for.
Cause I, oh, we're not even five minutes in. He's drawing the line. Um, I will
tell you this.
I'll tell you what, um, if I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, it would be
the greatest Christmas
ever. You know what I mean? You ever get the, ever had that conversation with
your conversation with
your, uh, lady, with your lady friend, you go, what do you want for Christmas?
And you're like,
nothing. I'm good. And then they're like, oh, come on. You gotta want something.
Nothing. Really? You don't want anything. Right. They just keep fucking doing
that shit. And it's
just like, listen, you don't want to get me anything. This is just the guilt.
Cause you know that you're
making me buy something like you're fucking seven years old and you still think
some fat
fucking white guy's coming down the chimney there. All right. There's no fat
guy coming down the
chimney. All right. The fat guy's already in bed. And guess what? You married
it. And just because
you did, that was your mistake. Doesn't mean I got to buy you fucking shit.
This is what I want to know.
Is there, what percentage of men have the fucking balls to say this holiday
season? It's the holiday
season. And guess fucking what? I don't want nothing. And I ain't getting you
shit because it's all
fucking made up. Yeah. Sorry. I ran out of words and I had to end with, yeah.
This is like, you know,
the first pass at the, at the track. We kind of liked the melody. We liked some
of the lyrics,
but there was some word that stuck out. Holiday? No. Doobie doobie doo? No. Was
it? Yeah. Yeah.
That's what it was. Can we take that out? Okay. It's the holiday season and I
ain't getting you shit
cause I don't need it. And that's the fucking deal. And we'll be ba da ba da ba.
Okay. All right.
We're getting there. We're getting there. Okay is better than yeah. No, no, no,
no. This,
this is the process. This is the process. Stay positive. Staying up. Staying up.
All right. Let's do another take. Get some more fucking tinsel in there. He's
losing his confidence.
That was a Christmas recording that you guys never heard before. Right here on
the Thursday
afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Who is the fucking gonads
to say to your wife,
just be like, listen, I have an idea of this, this Christmas. And they're like,
really? What?
And then they pull their feet up off the floor and they sit like fucking Indian
style.
You know, or maybe they do the side saddle. What? You have an idea? Oh my God.
He cares.
He's thinking about me. No, me. The yeah comes when they're complaining. He's
thinking about
me. But when they're upset with you, they have the yeah. No, I'm talking about
me.
No, stop. If you have the fucking balls to say like, listen, what are we doing?
We're such and
such age. Why, why put ourselves through this shit? I don't want anything. Okay.
And I believe in a
balance of power in the relationship, which means, you know, if I'm not getting
anything,
then you don't have to get anything. And our gift to each other is we get to
keep that fucking money
in our pocket and we don't have to waste a second of our fucking life thinking
about what stupid ass
fucking thing. But you want, but I want to get you something. I don't want it.
No, no, we're not
doing this anymore. Why? Why? Yeah. I'll tell you why. Yeah. Because it's not
an even trade.
Because all your shit costs way more than my shit. Because the fucking guys who
make shit for men
know that we have no power in the fucking relationship. Right. And we also they
also know
that like if we don't get you what you want, you're going to withhold so they
can fucking jack up the
price. So it's not a fair trade. It's not a good. Can you imagine that? Can you
imagine if you got some
fucking sick ass thing every year and then you came at her with like socks or
some musk,
whatever the dumb ass shit is that they get for us? What do you want for
Christmas? Ah, the day off?
I'd be like that. Maybe a couple, two, three days of just fucking sitting here
staring at the wall
trying to figure out how another 12 months went by. And I still haven't figured
out what the meaning of
all of this shit is. What about Jesus? All of these fucking the whole fucking
year, politicians, country
singers, that shit, crazy people on on fucking social medias, plural medias.
What the fuck did they do?
Huh? You don't need to relax. The answer is coming. Don't. What do they talk
about? They talk about Jesus.
You know, and how he's coming and how he's fucking, you got to surrender and
you got to admit that you
don't know shit and this fucking hippie is going to come down. You know why
Jesus hasn't come back
yet? Cause he's a fucking lazy hippie. If he had a fucking man's haircut high
and tight. Okay. He would
have came back sometime during world war two. I would have thought would have
paid the fucking Nazis a visit.
What the fuck is my point here? Yeah. They don't talk all of a sudden. It's all
Jesus, all the
fucking time until right around Thanksgiving. And then all of a sudden they do
the fucking bait and switch.
The whole fucking year they scare the shit out of you telling you that this,
this fucking dude is coming
back and you need to repent and, and, and all the fucking bad shit you did is
going to come back and
you're going to burn forever. And then the fucking Dante's Inferno, whatever
the fuck it is. Right?
And then the second, his birthday comes up, right? You want to talk about
somebody doesn't get shit for
his birthday. How about Jesus? Well, he's dead, right? Well, I thought he came
back.
They never talk about that. Three days later, he came back and then where did
he go?
Is there like another, is there a third part of the Bible they don't have?
He was, he was born miraculously.
God was the baby dead. Somebody did an Instagram on that. Joseph, you are not
the father.
And then Joseph was running around the fucking, how relieved was he? I mean,
they were living in a barn, right?
Packed in a barn. That must've been at least a studio apartment.
Let me tell you something right now. You never would have fucking survived back
in the day in the barn
during the Noel season. The fucking three kings coming up. They had a lot of
fucking nerve, didn't they?
Living in castles and then fucking showing up at a barn, acting like the world
was fair.
What happened to him? So he dies. He gets crucified for you.
All right. For everybody. He dies for our sins. And then what happens? He, he
comes back three days later
and everybody's like, holy shit. You know, I thought those street music,
musicians, magicians. I thought
those street magicians were amazing, levitating on the sidewalk, making people
of color run away
as white people try to figure out how to turn it into a weapon that they can
use.
You know, it really is funny how corny white people are depicted in so many
comedies. And then you look
at what the fuck we're doing around the world. Uh, that's, it's pretty, uh, I
don't understand what's
going on there. Um, anyway, plowing ahead. What happened? He fucking eats. Then
he dies