Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-01-20T19:36:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-20. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 20th, 2025.
What's going on, Hawaii? How's it going? Oh, it's a great day. It is a great
day.
Blue skies, at least in this part of L.A. The winds are going to be kicking up
again out in the valley.
And, you know, for those of you who want to know what the valley is, because
you always hear that, you know, the valley.
That's like when I lived in New York, and I would always hear the Cross Bronx
Expressway or that fucking one that was out in Brooklyn.
I finally, one day, I was just like, where the fuck is that? And I'm so sick of
hearing that on the news.
All right, so the valley, sometimes called North Hollywood or NoHo.
Nobody calls it that until real estate agents, like once your neighborhood gets
named, that means you're not going to be able to afford it anymore.
I knew a guy who fucking lives somewhere, and out of nowhere, there was one
like diagonal street in his neighborhood, and out of nowhere, the real estate
agents started calling it the Golden Triangle.
He's like, wait a minute. I don't have any gold. What? All right, buddy. Pack
it up. Pack it up. You're out of here.
So anyway, the valley, if you come out here to wonderful L.A., is basically, it's
surrounded on all sides by mountains, okay?
I know this is basic geography, but that's basically what I, for years, people
were like, I lived out here, and I didn't even know, understand.
And, oh, the valley gets a little hotter. I didn't understand. It's the air
goes down, and it just sits there.
It has no access to the winds coming off the ocean. You got the Santa Monica
Mountains cut off Malibu.
So out in like Ventura, not Ventura, sorry, Venice, Santa Monica, Malibu, all
along the coast,
it can be anywhere from, you know, 10, 15, 20 degrees cooler than it is in the
valley.
The air just friggin' sits there. And the way through is the Coanga Pass or up
the 5.
So if you look at your maps where you see Hollywood and then where you see
North Hollywood,
just know that on all those sides, out towards like Camarillo, there's
mountains.
And there was also a place out there that we used to test like nuclear weapons
before there was people living out there. And all these years later, they still,
like,
there's a higher level of birth defects out there. It's fucking, they never
cleaned it up.
Of course, they never fucking do anything.
So anyway, the winds are going to be up that way, and that's where I fly out of.
So I'm kind of keeping an eye on that. I mean, what am I going to do? I guess
fly my helicopter.
I'll just land it somewhere else. My little two-seater. And that's another
thing, too.
If the winds get too bad, I can't fly in that shit. I'll get slapped out of the
sky.
So, and then what do I do? Do I think that I'm going to get the insurance money?
All the claims that are out here? Then, you know, whatever. Anyway, plowing
ahead.
So, it's also my daughter's birthday today. Very proud of her. And every year I
make her a cake.
So this year, she wanted, like, this multicolored cake, and she wants, like,
candy in it.
So I'm on YouTube trying to fucking figure out how to do this. I am going to
have help.
A friend of mine is going to help me out. Everything has changed. Okay? I'm
telling you.
As you get older, everything's going to fucking change and just accept it and
know that a cake is not a cake anymore.
A cake is also a candy bar. There's just, like, a zillion different layers and
colors and all of this shit.
When I was a kid, it was fucking, it was a yellow cake chocolate frosting. Here
you go.
Here you go.
I want a teenage mutant ninja fucking themed.
It's like, all right. All right. Cool.
So, anyway, I had a, uh, I had a fucking amazing day yesterday.
But let's, let's talk some of this playoff.
Playoff football.
Um, the Bills win and the Ravens just repeatedly.
I can't, you know, there's a lot being made about the Ravens and their turnovers.
And nobody's saying how the Bills forced, I mean, that kid, the poor kid
dropped that ball.
And I say that poor kid because who, you know, you got to have empathy for that
kid because there's so many fucking people out there who don't like their lives
and are going to take out the fact that they don't like their lives on that kid.
Um, what I liked about what I saw from the Bills was not their offense.
It was their defense.
The fact that they were forcing turnovers the way they did against a very good
Ravens team.
Um, I mean, I don't know.
When I was a kid, that's the kind of thing that won a championship.
Like, you couldn't just have a, you know, these guys sign, like, I take the,
the, the Washington commanders.
Everyone's freaking out because they beat the lions, but it's like, dude, you
had to score 48 fucking points to win that game.
You know, their, their offense is unstoppable next week.
Stoppable.
That's what I always found when I was growing up, but they've made so many rule
changes that I don't know if it matters anymore.
Like, I think if Dan Marino could, could take his, his dolphins from back in
the day with no defense.
And I think he could actually win one, but back in the day, eventually what
happened was you just ran into a shutdown defense and then that was it.
Um, so anyway, um, and then I saw the Eagles hanging on the Rams come storming
back.
That was a great game.
And then I got to be honest with you.
I was watching the chiefs game and I just had to shut it off.
And this isn't some whining shit about the, Oh, the fucking chiefs and
everything.
That's just, I just see the future of the NFL.
When I was watching that, we're just constantly cutting to Taylor Swift to get
Swifties to watch the game.
And then she's sitting there.
I guess she was sitting there with some female athlete to promote her sport.
And with each one of those layers, the game just keeps moving, moving further,
further and further back to the point.
I'm like, why, why do I have to see her reaction to all of these fucking plays?
It has no effect on the game, but what it's done, it's like, we have to show
her, we got it.
We have to show her because people who don't give a fuck about the game, but
give a fuck about her are going to turn it off.
It's a fucking entertainment league and all of that.
And then, I don't know.
I will say this as a Patriots fan, I'm getting a little tired of the comparison
where they're like,
Oh, the chiefs and the new Patriots getting all the calls.
I mean, guys, you just saw us.
Are you really going to say it's the same fucking thing?
Are you going to tell me in the future, the owner of like the losing team, the
Ravens,
is going to fucking conduct an independent investigation that is such a fucking
bullshit case
that when it's taken to court, the judge gets mad for wasting their time.
So the suspension is reversed.
And then the NFL will plot to figure out a loophole to still suspend your
quarterback.
That's going to happen.
Roger Goodell fucking hated us.
He fucking hated us.
And I don't know.
Like, stars get calls.
100% Brady got calls.
But like, I want you to put together the highlight reel of us driving down to
win a Super Bowl,
you know, with that level of holding.
Show me the one where one of our guys takes his helmet off in the end zone,
doesn't get an unsportsman, and is told to put it back on.
Show me the fucking highlight where the defensive coordinator screams and calls
timeout.
I mean, the level of fucking holding.
People are making highlight reels after every game.
And I'm going to tell you this.
The internet was around when we were playing, and people fucking hated us.
They weren't doing that.
What they kept...
Our storyline was, they're cheaters.
They're cheaters.
They're cheaters.
The refs love Tom Brady.
That's the level it was.
It wasn't this shit.
It wasn't the whole fucking team.
I mean, I don't know.
It's like egregious.
But we as fans can stop it.
What you do is don't watch the Chiefs game,
and then everybody go buy a Jaden Daniels jersey.
Because that's what's going on right now.
Because it's a fucking business.
All right?
And no one is playing the game at the Chiefs' levels.
Like it or not, they're not.
Last thing they need is the ref's fucking help.
But no one's playing at that level.
Like, Patrick Mahomes has no rival.
So they got all their eggs in that basket.
And it's a fucking business.
It's a business.
It's no different than the NBA's panic when Michael Jordan retired for the
second time.
And they were like, oh my God, what the fuck are we going to do?
And then they just ushered in the era of the super team.
Which I feel like they're finally getting out of a little bit.
I felt that was a really bad like 20 years of sort of just more often than not
like pile on champions.
But it felt good.
I just shut the Chiefs game off.
It's like, this is just going to upset me watching what they've done to this
game.
And the way the game used to be played and like, you know.
Put it this way.
There's a famous story of Joe Montana on that final drive against the Bengals
when he won his fourth and final Super Bowl.
And they were in the huddle.
And he goes, oh, look at it.
Look at the crowd.
There's John Candy.
You know what I mean?
And the only reason why I know John Candy was there is because the other
players told the story.
They weren't cutting to John Candy every five seconds.
Oh my God.
That's the guy from Spaceballs.
And yes, I am putting John Candy in the same level as fucking Taylor Swift.
All right.
There was Swifties.
There was Candies.
Anyway, I have to say, I will say this.
And I know you're not going to think I'm unbiased here.
But I will say what is going on during Kansas City football games is at best
bizarre and coincidental all the way to absolutely egregious.
Like, um, so I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just not watching this shit.
I'm going to watch the NFC championship game because it's still football.
And I kind of like a college hoop is what I've been watching because that looks
like the basketball that I remember.
And, you know, don't get mad at me.
All right.
Old people like me, we get scared when things change.
And, uh, you know, no one listens to you past a certain age.
I mean, I'm not to the age and I've never been at the age.
I will never wear pajama bottoms outside of my house.
To me, that either says you've quit or you are completely self-involved.
You know what I mean?
Just like looking for attention.
Like, you ever see people get on a plane wearing pajama bottoms?
They should just throw them down with the luggage.
It's like, why are you lowering yourself to this airline's level?
I know they're treating you like shit, but that doesn't mean you got to just
give in.
And do the fashion equivalent to how they're going to fucking treat you on this
flight like a fucking baby.
I mean, why don't you just come on with like a fucking stuffed animal while you're
at it?
Anyway, so it's, uh, how about the fucking lions?
Dude, they used to call that the fucking, uh, the black and blue division.
I guess they're calling it the purple heart or something for their fans.
I don't think anybody fucking, like just every, I don't know.
Every time the fucking Vikings have an unbelievable record, first round gone.
Oh no, they went to the NFC championship game against the Falcons.
But how many, how many fucking decades are they going to do that for?
The lions had the 49ers fucking beat and they go for it on fourth down.
Lose the momentum.
Never got it back.
You come back the next fucking year.
I don't know.
That game was crazy.
I was, uh, watching my kids and it was an even game.
And then I come back and that like the fucking Washington had scored 28 points
in the second half.
And then, uh, I watched some more of the game.
Whenever I was watching the game, it wasn't crazy.
And then the lions came back and I go, oh, they're going to get them.
They're going to get them.
Commanders are too young.
They don't know how to win yet.
This would be their one scared thi