Name: Children's Theater, Luka, Women's Cricket | Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-02-04T18:54:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Children's Theater, Luka, Women's Cricket | Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Children's Theater, Luka, Women's Cricket | Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-04. Transcript available.

Children's Theater, Luka, Women's Cricket | Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, February 3rd, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Sorry the podcast is late.
No, you know what? I'm not sorry. I am done apologizing for living my life.
You know who says that? Some of you doesn't really have major problems in their
life, but they think they are.
They think they're big problems and then they post them on Instagram and then
everybody trashes them.
And then they're like, see, the world is so cruel. It's like, no, your fucking
problems in your cul-de-sac are not that big a deal.
You know, they can be, though. I'm not saying if you live in a cul-de-sac that
it's, you know, some fucked up shit can't happen.
You know, there's always an uncle lurking around.
You know, I'm done apologizing. That's usually said by someone who needs to
apologize.
Oh, my God. What is this fucking pray-tude? Is this Viagra for gay guys?
I'm watching this commercial with the sound down. It's just like one dude after
another with his shirt open, talking way too closely to an, ah, there you go.
And the fucking, the guy kiss on fucking regular TV.
Do you know what that, what that would have done to this country when I was
growing up?
Jesus Christ. I mean, it was a big deal when Billy Crystal played a gay guy on
soap.
And they never had him. He didn't have to kiss anybody.
As far as I remember.
Anyway.
I don't know what was going on in that commercial.
I tell you, you watch TV with the sound down.
All of a sudden, the whole thing fucking changes.
Anyway, plowing ahead here.
Yeah, anybody who says that.
You know, I'm done apologizing.
Okay.
It's like, does that happen to you a lot?
Are people expecting an apology a lot?
Maybe it's because you're a douche.
You ever think of that?
I'm not, oh, you know, you could be around some toxic people that are always
turning it around on you.
But also, you know, just to be fair, just to play devil's advocate here, you
could also be a douche.
There could be a reason why people are always asking you to apologize.
I'm fucking done with it.
I'm not fucking, I'm not fucking.
This is who I am.
Uh, well, you were the treasurer of our company.
There's no money left.
I'm done apologizing.
This is how I live my life.
I like designer fucking bags.
Whatever.
Sell some more stuff next week.
Fucking done apologizing.
Um, I'm going to start doing that.
Anytime I want to get out of a conversation, I'm just going to use that
expression.
You know what?
I'm done apologizing.
Hey, so you're here in New York.
You got an acting gig?
You know what?
You know?
Wait, how would they say it?
Yeah.
How you liking it?
How you liking it so far?
You know what?
I'm done apologizing.
And then you just walk away.
And then they're just like, what the fuck was that?
What did that even mean?
And then that moment when they're trying to do the math on what the fuck you
just said to them,
which made no goddamn sense, you get to leave, which I feel is one of, is most
of your adult life is leaving.
You know what I mean?
I mean, just trying to get out of something that you don't, like, how the fuck
did I end up here in this fucking rat race?
How do I get out of this conversation with this person?
If I can give young people any advice, is you really have to develop your wrap-it-up
skills.
Okay?
As you start doing shit in life and more and more people are talking to you,
you have less time to just sit on a couch and stare at a fucking wall.
You know?
And to try, you know, which is basically, that's like, you know, when you're
charging your cell phone.
I feel like when you're sitting by yourself staring at a wall, you know, your
battery power starts to come back.
And maybe you, like, want to see another person.
You know?
Whereas if all you're doing is seeing people, then, like, you know, your
battery life goes down and you're like, I just got to get the fuck away, you
know, from all of these people.
I'm watching this fucking movie from the year 2000.
The year 2000.
In the year 2000.
I'm not going to say what the movie is because I really like the actors in it.
But, like, the fucking lead actor, he has a daughter that looks to be about
eight years old.
And the woman that's playing the mother of her clearly has never had a baby in
her life the way her body is.
And she's walking around in high heels and a fucking bathrobe going in and out
of the kitchen, you know?
That's what's funny about women is they fucking look at that.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
It's like, you can't.
Like, you can't compete with that.
It's a fucking movie.
I used to do a bit about that.
You know, these images they put out there of fucking women.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
You're not competing with it on any level, you arrogant ass.
That's a fucking supermodel.
You're not even on the same planet as that woman.
You ever see, like, fucking models, like supermodels?
When they stand next to regular people, they look like praying mantises.
I mean, granted, fuckable praying mantises, but praying mantises nonetheless,
right?
And they're a completely different species of genetics.
That's why they're so tall.
They're supposed to be looking down on you.
You know, they're better than you.
I mean, I never saw a movie where Brad Pitt took his shirt off.
And I never thought, like, how am I supposed to compete?
I can't fucking compete with that.
I knew I couldn't compete with that.
I never thought that.
It made me want to go to the gym.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I got to do something with this freckled torso.
But in no fucking way, shape or form, did I feel like he was the standard.
You know, that I was, that I was fucking competing.
That guy was, he was, he was, he was over the hill.
He's the one with those fucking praying mantis chicks.
All right?
I'm in a Buffalo Wild Wings talking to a divorced waitress.
That's, that's where I am in society.
Anyway.
Anyway, speaking of which, I am in New York City.
And I, today was the first day at Glengarry Glen Ross.
I met the cast.
I met everybody there.
We did a table read.
And it was so much fun.
Unbelievably exciting.
And, of course, all the actors are amazing.
And they're already bringing all of this stuff.
Just doing like a cold read, sitting down with it.
It's going to be fucking, it's going to be fun, man.
So, um, this is going to be my life for a little while.
I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
Done apologizing to people.
No.
I'm just going to.
I love how, like, that's, like, considered, like, you've reached this level of
maturity where you're, I'm done apologizing.
So, you're never going to be wrong again?
You know, you're never going to fucking admit to it?
You know what I mean?
I've always just felt like I've had to apologize for being me.
That's what you think?
That's, that's how you're doing this?
Shut up.
Nobody has to apologize for being themselves.
You know?
Unless you're trans, right?
Like, when they transition, everybody seems to have a fucking problem with that,
for whatever reason.
Like, why would you have a problem with that?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck are you paying attention?
Oh my God, this person I don't even know made this choice because it made them
feel better about themselves.
And now I have a fucking issue with it.
Anyways, I'm done apologizing.
So, oh my God, look at the doll.
Now I see the face because all they showed was her legs.
Now I'm seeing, like, the star.
Look at her.
She's fucking ridiculous.
And there's no way that's her daughter.
I hate when they do that.
I hate when they take two fucking actors and then they cast somebody.
They give them a kid that looks nothing like him.
I gotta get some water.
This dry-ass fucking apartment.
These fucking New York apartments.
The heat's either on or it's off.
You know?
This fucking apartment.
I'm either cold or I feel like a rotisserie chicken.
You know?
And not a good one either.
One that's dried.
Like, the place is about to close and you're drunk and you go and you get a two-piece
with some sides.
Oh my God, I got to the funniest fucking debate with my wife.
And when she was telling me how this guy, the guy who invented macaroni and
cheese was a black man, right?
And I just fucking bursted out laughing.
I go, mac and cheese?
That's what you're telling me?
He put cheese on pasta?
Have you been to Italy?
I think that's what they do.
That's all they do there, right?
She goes, no.
He, like, baked it and put it, like, in the oven and all that stuff.
And I just started fucking laughing.
And then she just got, like, pissed at me.
Like, legit got pissed at me.
Because she thought, like, you know.
Because she's a woman, you know.
So she gets overly sensitive when somebody fucking laughs.
You know what I mean?
As opposed to, like, a guy.
Somebody starts laughing.
You laugh and you go, what?
What'd I say?
Oh, was that stupid?
All right, you know.
And she was just giving me shit.
I'm not saying the guy didn't do it.
But, like, you're bragging about a fucking appetizer.
Now, here's the thing.
I'm not saying mac and cheese isn't a big deal.
I was just being a dick.
You know, you ever do that?
You ever just be a dick just to be a dick?
And you're in the middle of it.
And you see the other person's getting mad.
And in your head, you're going, why am I doing this?
Stop.
You should stop right now and say, I'm sorry.
I'm done apologizing, right?
And you just don't.
And you just keep doing it.
And it has nothing to do with the person.
It has to do with some bullshit that happened to you back in the 70s or 80s
that you're just not going to take your foot off the fucking gas.
And you're just going to have an argument with the woman that you love
for no fucking...
Over macaroni and cheese.
I so kept going with it.
Like, I couldn't stop.
I had to...
I just had to keep going until she started laughing.
Because I wasn't being mean.
I was just laughing my ass off.
And, forgive us.
I was just talking.
Oh, yeah.
Who invented edamame?
I just kept doing that.
And this is where, like, I know when my wife is mad at me.
She gets this look on her face, okay?
And there's this critical moment there that either I apologize or I'm just
going to see this thing through.
So I decided to see it through.
Now, this can go one of two ways.
It can just end up in the inevitable apology.
Or there's this magical moment where she starts shaking her head.
Like, shaking her head no.
And when she shakes her head no, then I know she's starting to find it funny.
And what I need to do is keep going.
And yet, any mathletes listen to them?
No, of course not.
But remember in math where two negatives make a positive?
Well, with your wife, it's more like 47.
You just have to keep fucking...
You just have to keep going.
And I built this whole fucking thing with George Washington.
It was, like, one of his slaves.
And he sent him over to France to learn how to cook.
And he comes back with an appetizer.
So I had him, like, all fucking pissed off that that's all he came back.
No beef bourguignon, none of this shit.
You just...
He came back with this.
You know, how long does it take for the fucking boat to get over there?
How long was he that?
I mean, this is the fucking 1700s, right?
I mean...
All right, what'd you learn?
I got you some mac and cheese.
Well, what the fuck do we...
You know, you didn't even learn how to make an entree?
Um...
Anyway.
And then also, you just sit there looking at the kind of money that the
founding fathers have.
It's so goddamn funny.
These fucking guys.
It's like they used regular people to kick the English out, right?
And then all of these fucking cunts moved into their big houses.
And what happened?
It's just...
They're still there, right?
Well, George Washington fought...
He sort of fought in the...
I don't know.
Did he?
Is there any record of that?
I mean, somebody painted something of him.
But what was to stop you?
It's not like back in the day, like, you could, like, look it up.
I fought 