Name: Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-02-20T17:34:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-20. Transcript available.

Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Checking in on
you. Seeing
how your week's going. Are you staying away from the news, man? Starting that
shit. I
had a fucking great night last night. Oh, well, good for you, Bill. Glad you
had a great
fucking night. Why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did
a
couple of spots. Really liked the New York Comedy Club on the Lower East Side,
man. Great
room, you know? So I went down there and I don't know. I tried it out. I had
this new
joke I was trying out that I had such hope for, you know, which is always, you
know, setting
yourself up for disaster when you go on stage. Like, oh boy, oh boy. Oh, way to
get a load
of this one.
Turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't, it hasn't become
mainstream
yet. So I had to kind of explain what it was and then get into the other thing,
which slowed
it down on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar and, um, I found
a, I figured
out a funny way to explain it. And I can't remember if I did it before or after.
I just,
I can't remember if I plowed through the joke and then explained it after. I
think that's
what I did. I don't know. And then I was able to tie something in with that and
then tie something
else together on something else. And, um, it was, uh, yeah, it was fantastic.
Um, I was
psyched, you know, cause I've been doing a lot of standup and, uh, you get
rusty quick,
but I have been going to my big gay gym. Um, and, uh, which has been fucking
great. I've
been going to that every single day, just about, I take one day off a week. Um,
and, uh,
holy shit. I mean, old freckles, he, he let himself go. Like I am like dropping
weight and
all of that. And I still sit down on the couch and I can grab two fucking
cheeseburgers in
the front, like doubles too. You know what I mean? Like those Wendy's ones
where they just
keep stacking them up. So, you know, it's funny. I was telling somebody, fuck
man, I
got to drop this way to it. They look great. I'm like, I have a winter coat on.
Everybody looks great with a winter coat. I'm still going with the guys wearing
shorts.
I saw a guy wearing like, like short shorts, like the ones guys used to wear
when they ran
marathons in the, in the 1980s. Remember those, like those fucking like nylon
and then it's
cut up like the side a little bit. Like, you know, Oh, behave. Right. But what's
funny as
I see this guy, he's got those short shorts on, but then he has like one of
those fucking,
you ever see those homeless people, winter coats, like the I sleep out slide
side fucking
coats. He's got one of those on in a big fucking hat. So like it's, if you run
hot, why don't
you just wear a windbreaker? Why does everybody have to look at your stupid man
legs as you walk
up the goddamn street? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Then I'm thinking
like, well,
your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it. So maybe their legs
do. I don't know.
I don't know what it is. I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing
or they went on
Instagram. You know, that, that long haired guy who can like jump into the
Arctic ocean and swim
around and scientists are baffled because he does like this, this alkaline
breathing or whatever
the fuck it is. And he doesn't freeze to death. And they're sort of baffled by
that. And he's
like, nah, yeah, I'm alkaline breathing. Like alkaline to me was something that
was used when you
were talking about a battery. And I don't mean assault and I just mean a
battery and, um,
that you put, that, that you would put into something that needed to be battery
operated.
See what I just did there? I explained the reference. That's what I have to do
in that
fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum, the modem go out of this fucking
podcast? Um,
anyway, so, uh, very excited. I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal
starting tomorrow. So I'm
going to give me a ticket on an aeroplane, going to play the wheel of fortune
game. Um,
I'm going to go home and see my family and I cannot fucking wait. Um, I'm
hoping they're,
they are as excited to see me as I am as excited to see them. That would be a
real fucking,
uh, gut punch. If my kids are just like, Oh, Hey man,
now, Hey, good to see you too, pops, you know, but, but I thought everyone
cared,
you know, that would be brutal. Um, so anyway, I, uh,
I'm lifting four times a week and then the other times I'm just doing, uh,
walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed bag there. Oh, Billy
speed bag. I haven't
hit one of those things in a long time. I was really like. Get it. Get it. Get
it. Get it. Get it.
Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it.
Get it. Get it a whiff.
The whiff is the worst. Get it. Get it a whiff. You fucking feel that jolt of
pain in your shoulder.
Um, anyway, so that's, that's, that's basically what I got going on. I saw,
I've been watching some more seventies car movies. I watched the driver
with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Stern. Um, really fun movie. It's just fucking car
chases and
people fucking being badasses. Bruce Stern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neill.
Um, you know, there's a lot of stiff performances. Bruce Stern's always great,
but a lot of like,
I think they were trying to do like some minimalist thing that where they pull
it off with escape from
New York. I don't know about this one. Um, but like when I was growing up, the
two guys that I
thought were the luckiest guys in the world were Lee Majors and Ryan O'Neill,
simply because both of
them were, were, you know, Lee Majors was dating Farrah Fawcett first. And
there is a picture look up. If
you want to see the most seventies photo, do you want to know what, what, like
if you were on top
in the seventies looked like, like how great life could be, look up Lee Majors
Farrah Fawcett jogging.
It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see. It was like the
world was like that
even for a weekend. It was amazing. They're both fucking tanned up, not worried
about skin cancer,
not even remotely. Right. Lee Majors got on the fucking Larry Bird short shorts.
And then he's got,
he has on a, uh, a matching zip up with no shirt underneath it. And he's doing
the macho man thing
where he's showing up his tan, hairy chest. And then if you watch the driver
with Ryan O'Neill,
the whole movie, the whole movie, he is walking around with his shirt, you know,
buttoned down to his,
his man cleavage. It was called being a macho man. They even wrote a song about
it. Macho,
macho man. I want to be a macho man. Yes. The times were very, um, very deep
musically. No,
that was pop music. There was still a lot of shit going on where the report
with Jacob. Um, anyway,
so what do you follow up watching the driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean,
it's a no brainer. I'm
watching Corvette summer with Mark Hamill, um, where he, he cuffs, he finds his
Corvette in a junkyard
and this car is beyond fucked up. It's an orange Corvette Stingray. The body's
made out of fiberglass and
it looks like somebody dropped it off a building and somehow they take the car
back to their high
school shop class. And through donations from the locals, he turns it into like,
you know, like today would be $120,000 car, but back then it was probably like
4,500 bucks or whatever. Right.
Um, and they customize the thing. Um, and they customize the thing. The car
gets stolen. He gets
word that it's in Las Vegas. So he's going to go out to Vegas to get his car
back.
And he meets, and I swear to God on the road trip out there, he's hitchhiking
out there. He meets an
aspiring prostitute.
One of the best lines in any movie ever. She's like, don't you get it? I'm a
hooker.
This, this is what I'm doing with all of this downtime. Um, the astounding
loneliness that I'm
experiencing when I'm not working on the play or going out, um, doing standup
spots. Am I doing
standup because I love standup or am I doing it because I'm fucking lonely? Um,
probably a little bit
of both, but in the meantime, I've been, uh, I've been watching these great car
movies from the 70s.
It's just, they're just fancy. Just seeing cars that just went away.
Like the Pontiac Catalina. I remember as a kid, I didn't like the car because I
thought
the rear end of the car made the car look like it was sad. They had this, they
did this thing with
the brakes where it was like horizontal and then it wrapped down on the side of
the car.
And it always looked like, you know, like instead of a smiley face, it looked
like a frown to me.
And I remember telling my mother that when I was a kid,
I said, I don't like those cars. She said, why not? I said, cause they look sad.
And she was like, oh, cause it looks like a mouth.
And then I was all excited. Like, oh, I said a thing and an adult acknowledged
it. This is amazing.
You know, that didn't happen a lot in the seventies. And if you want to know
why it didn't go back to
that Lee majors, Farrah Fawcett jogging down the street. That was, that was it.
That was all of
Instagram. You know, all those fucking videos and shit, um, clips and
everything that you watch on
Instagram, whatever you call it, a post, all of those things where you watch it.
And so visually
stimulating, you like it, but like, you know, somewhere in your chest, you
start getting this
sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're, you're not in,
you don't have abs or
your whatever the fuck it is. They're making you feel like right. Yeah. We didn't
have social media
back then. We had, we had people magazine and shit like that. And like these
fucking photos once a
week, they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up all, you
know, everything from
people magazine to, um, the star and the inquirer. And they were just, those
are like tabloid ones
for like, uh, you know, really dumb housewives. And then sort of the elevated
housewife
would read people magazine. And then the cold heartless mother would get time
magazine.
Those are all generalizations. I'm just saying, I remember, I remember a long
time ago, I had an
acting gig, you know, and, uh, I was working with somebody that was super
famous and this person was
reading the national inquirer. It was a long time ago, like 20 fucking years
ago. It was before social
media. And I was like, I can't believe, I can't believe you're reading that
because like all the
celebrities hated that thing. Cause they would say all this horrible shit about
them.
She goes, yeah, I know. But like, you know, as much as they stay, lie all the
time, she goes,
they get a lot of stuff, right?
She goes, not the stuff about like aliens and all of that stuff, but like
people's relationships,
they get that stuff, right?
I always found it funny how women follow like other people's relationships, you
know,
like the way men follow sports.
And then they like choose sides. I'm on side. So-and-so I'm on side. Fuckin.
Whatever. It's just like, why do you give a shit?
They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their
own,
you know, it's gotta be painful. It's their own business. What the fuck? You
know,
why don't you watch sports, gamble away your paycheck on something that
is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by, right? Why, why, why
wouldn't you,
why wouldn't you do that? Um,
anywho, so my goal is not to be a fat fuck. And throughout the course of this
play,
finally take off this, I was saying the other day, I go, I got, I'm getting
this COVID weight off.
And somebody goes, COVID. They go, that was a long fucking time ago. I was like,
I had a kid during COVID. I never got it off. Been walking around. I remember
when I turned 50,
I was like, I'm going fucking sting from the police in my fifties. I'm going to
be lean and mean.
I'm doing fucking yoga every other day. I'm fucking doing this. I'm