Name: Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-03-17T17:58:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-17. Transcript available.

Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
March 17th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? March 17th, St. Patrick's Day.
Oh boy,
here we go. I've told you this for years, man. Fucking amateur night. Amateur,
amateur,
amateur fucking night. I don't even know if people do it. They're saying that
the young
kids today, they don't drink as much. You know? It makes sense. Weed's legal.
Mushrooms are readily
available. You know? What do the kids do today? They do something. Some sort of
drug, and they put
it on a Q-tip or a tampon, and they stick it in their ass, and they go, let's
do a fucking DJ.
You know, every generation has their way they get high, and as an older person,
you have
to respect that.
Anyway, somebody fucking finally made a post, trashing, you don't need a
fucking DJ at every
social event. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not saying DJs are bad, but is there
anything worse
than a bad DJ? Just, maybe a bad comedian. It's because it lives in the same
world where
it's like you can't escape it because it's so fucking loud. You just got to get
out of the,
you have to get out of the facility. You got to get out of the building to get
away from
it. Oh, my God. What do you think there's more of? More people saying they're a
DJ when
they're not, or thinking they're a fucking DJ? I have a podcast. What do you do?
I, you know,
I remodel houses. I do a podcast with one of the other remodelers. Today, we're
going to
talk about how to really fucking hang up some drywall. Like that fucking thing.
It is kind of wild how all of this happened. Like, um, in my lifetime, I am old
enough to
remember when people said that they wouldn't move to LA because everybody is so
plastic and
fake. Now, I know people still say that, but people, you got to stop with the
plastic and
fake shit with the level of Botox, fake lips, Brazilian butt lifts, Turkish
fucking hair systems
that are like, they're just all over the country. Everybody's walking around
acting like they got
to be camera ready. You know, back in the day, you used to be able to age
naturally. If you were
like a substitute teacher, you didn't have to walk in like you were going to
fucking looking like you
were going to make a movie in the valley. You know, I don't understand why
women keep getting their
fucking lips done. Um, for the simple fact that these doctors, for whatever
reason, they only know
how to do one procedure. So everybody gets the exact same lips. So you're like,
Oh, those are those
fake lips. I keep saying, dude, fake lips. They're like, remember those baby on
board signs that you
used to wave at you in the back of the car, right? Oh no, it was a triangle
baby on board. That's the
same thing was the same fucking thing or like a pair of Crocs. You're doing
that with body parts. God
made you unique. I'm going with the Lord today, right? Whatever it is made you
unique. You look
different. All right. I don't know. I mean,
I don't know how some of these people do like when people just go like when
they go all in,
you know, I would never ask somebody this, but it just is, is just what in a
voyeuristic way
watching this shit on some of these shows. My wife used to watch. My wife is
off the reality TV. It's amazing.
It's fucking amazing. No more laminated face, fucking fake lips, fake ass, fake
titty chicks
screaming at each other. Um, when I come home, oh my God, I used to fucking
come up to the door,
you know, I could hear it, you know, the living room's like right there. Come
walking in. Reminded me as a
kid, you know, coming home to the house, mom and dad yelling at each other, you
know, or your neighbors
screaming at each other. It's a lot of screaming. Wasn't a lot of AC. That was
a luxury.
So the original DJs that you couldn't get away from when I was growing up were
moms and dads
screaming at each other with the fucking windows open. I used to always feel
bad for my friends when
that happened. I just want to be like, Hey man, I, you know, my parents do it
too. They all do it.
There's no therapy. There was one book. It was like how to win friends and
influence people.
Like that was the only self-help or that was it. And then somehow in the eighties,
I think the
chicken soup for the soul came out and it was a huge hit. And then they wrote
like 40 other ones.
They made them more like specific. It was really bad watching that person sell
out. Like, you know,
they, they came out the first one, chicken soup for your soul. It covered
everything, your soul.
And then the next ones were like chicken soup for someone who got fucking diddled
by their
uncles. You know, they made it really specific, you know, it's like, well,
wouldn't that affect
your soul? Didn't you handle it on the first one? Well, you know, maybe I want
to buy another house.
Um, anyway, before I go any further into this podcast, uh, I got to do a little
promotion here
for the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. Everybody tickets are moving. Tickets
are moving. Last I
checked, there was a little less than 800 left. All right. We started with 2000,
went down to 800.
We're out of the thousands. We're into the 800. So thank you. One and all, uh,
tickets are still
available for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, uh, Sunday, May
18th at the New York
city center. We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes. Oh my God.
Greer Barnes. I better not be
going on right after him. Uh, DC Benny, another killer. Tim Dillon, killer. Uh,
Nimish Patel, Sean
Patton, myself, and as always Rich Voss. He's hosted every single one of these.
Um, Sean Patton. First
time I saw him, he was doing a, I saw him up in Montreal. He was doing this bit
about his grandmother,
I think having dementia fucking blew me away. There's just, this is going to be
an amazing
show and we're still working on a special guest. We try to have a surprise
famous comedian show
up and everybody goes, Oh my God. I didn't know he was coming too. Um, all
tickets are 75 bucks.
Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org/patrice2025 or, or, or, or by
going to my website, www.billburr.com.
I want to hear George W. Bush talk about his website. If you want to know why I'm
not building a house for the
home, it's like Jimmy Carter and I'm buying land that sits on aquifers. Cause I
know water's going
to be scarce in the future. Go to www.georgew.com. Um, all right. So we got
that out of the way.
Um, anyway, so it is, uh, it is St. Patrick's day. I do try to get a corned
beef sandwich. You know, if you go to a bar,
like in the middle of the day, maybe, maybe you can try to do that.
I don't know. It is annoying that you can't really get a corned beef sandwich
any other day than around
now. It's kind of weird that way. Um, but it does make it special. Um, all
right. Plowing ahead here.
All right. Where do I start? Oh my God. Just so many things happen. I went to
the bookstore. Holy
shit. I went to the bookstore. First of all, I was up in my old neighborhood. I
used to live on the upper
east side. Um, just south of, uh, Spanish Harlem. I don't even know if they
call it that anymore.
And, uh, and when I lived there, it was Spanish Harlem. I lived on 97th and Lex
in Lexington.
And when I missed a package from the mailman, it went up to the, the post
office on a hundred and
something street. And I'm telling you, when you went from 97th to 98th street,
that was it.
No more white people instantly. Bam. It was all Puerto Rican. And you went up
there and everybody
looked at me. They thought I was a cop, you know, cause NYPD blue was still on
and David Caruso was
the star. Right. And, uh, you'd go up there, the whole place, everything, it
immediately changed.
This is what, like when New York was fucking cool. Um, it was unreal. I
remember what's his face. Uh,
Dan Natterman used to have a joke way back in the day when I first moved there,
that 96th street was the last street a white person could legally live on.
And that always struck me so funny because I lived on 97th street and 97th
street was,
was sort of the DMZ, you know, to use a Vietnam, um, reference.
And that was a mix of everybody. And then when you went to 98th street, at
least on the east side,
immediately it was all Puerto Rican. So like when I went to, I used to go do my
laundry,
um, me and Bobby Kelly. Oh my God. Way back in the day, we would do our laundry,
uh,
a couple of streets up. There was this cluster of project buildings and there
was, um, that's kind
of weird. Cause it was in like, like those brick buildings and you went
downstairs and you did, uh,
you did your laundry. Oh my God. That's, that's the situation I'm in right now.
My building. I haven't had to deal with this in, I can't remember since I left
New York,
I had to deal with something the other day doing my laundry where I, I went, uh,
downstairs to the laundry room and there's like three machines and all of them
were full and the,
and the cycle was done. And I had to stand there going like, you know, that
weird thing where you're
going like, all right, how long do I wait before I actually move somebody else's
laundry from the
washing machine to the dryer? And are they going to come here and I'm going to
be mid doing this?
And then am I going to have an issue? And I just didn't have the time. And I
was just like,
fuck this person. And I just took it out. I made sure I stuck it in the high
dryers.
Cause there's always been a theory that those are the better dryers because
heat rises. I don't know.
So I put them in there and then threw my shit in. I emptied two out of three,
right? So I put them in
and, uh, I can't remember if I told this story, right? And I put my shit in and
the person never
showed up. So whatever, half hour later, how long a fucking wash cycle is, um,
37 minutes is what it is.
Come downstairs. And the person who had the clothes in front is still not there.
So I'm like, all right,
good. I made the right move. And then as I was moving my shit into the lower
dryers, the person
showed up and then I was like, Oh God, this person would be upset. You ever
have people like that?
One time I was living in someplace and this fucking asshole was walking down
the hallway
and his dogs were off leash and came running down up to me. And I said, Hey,
hey buddies. And I started petting him and he goes, don't touch my dogs.
And I'm like, well, put them on a fucking leash. And we got into this big
fucking argument.
They fucking ran up to me. Unlike you, they're friendly, you cunt. You know?
And they always
talk about that. Like the dog's behavior is like the owner, you know what I
mean? And it's like,
I don't know. There's an exception to every rule. That's actually bullshit. I
didn't say keep him
on the fucking leash. I thought that. I thought that, but I didn't. The dude
was bigger than me
and I was unlocking my door. So I had my back to him. So I was just like, all
right, well, I'm not
going to get beat up over a fucking chihuahua. Look at me turning myself into a
fucking action here.
I want to put him on a fucking leash. I didn't say that.
I just, I just lied to myself. I almost fucking just lied to myself and it
worked.
Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah, put him on a fucking leash.
I'll kick your ass,
buddy. Never happened. I just went like, wow, it's just, you know, you know,
you try to say
something back, but you don't want to get into a fight. So you don't, you don't
make any words.
Touch my dogs. I think I did more of that.
I did put my eyebrows down to show that I was upset. That was the old me.
What would the new you do, Bill?
Um, what would I have done in that situation?
I definitely would have said something, but not, not too aggressive. I think I
know how to thread the
needle now.
Don't touch my dogs.
Really?
I think I would have said laughing is always good. I don't fucking know.
Uh, how is that still with me? Is it cause I didn't say anything back? Probably
because I didn't say
anything back to him. Oh, ju