Name: Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25 | Bill Burr
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Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-31. Transcript available.

Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, March 31st, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya? Oh my God, the month of March is almost over.
And then we move right into summer. I feel like within a week it's going to be
85, 90 fucking degrees out.
Might see one butterfly. We'll see.
Anyway, tonight. Tonight, tonight, tonight. Oh, is that one of the fucking dumbest
songs ever written?
I feel like that's all he says, the whole song.
Because tonight, tonight, tonight. Oh, gonna make it right. Tonight, tonight.
Jesus Christ, Phil. Were you just testing the limits of your popularity?
And I love Phil Collins. Brand X. Early 80s. Right?
I don't care anymore. That's the Phil Collins I like.
You know?
Bill, we don't care the fucking guy you like.
All right. March 31st. Tonight is opening night.
We are through previews.
Had great shows all week. Everybody did. The show is, it's really great. I'm
really proud of it.
And I guess the critics came last week, which I didn't know, which is something
I started doing.
I was like, dude, I don't want to know who's in the crowd. Tell me after.
Because I don't want to be thinking about anything other than the person
sitting across from me.
So that's been working out good for me.
So tonight's the big, the whole big fucking to-do.
The opening night, you know, the red carpet.
Put on your little fucking spiffy suit.
You know, smile and wave.
Do the play.
And then there's an after party.
And then after that, then we begin, I guess, the run.
I mean, I feel like we're already doing it.
But it's pretty, it's pretty exciting.
It's pretty exciting.
And I thought that with the two days, you know, when you got two, I thought
that that was going to feel more like work.
But it hasn't.
It's just been fun.
I have really, I mean, it's just a killer play.
And everything that comes out of your mouth is fun to say.
So it's been awesome.
So my lovely, beautiful wife is in town.
And we're going to go together and have a good time and all of that.
So looking forward to it.
All right.
Having said that, a little order of business here.
We only got a couple hundred tickets left for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill
Comedy Benefit.
Literally 200 and change is left.
Thank you guys for getting the tickets.
It's Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center.
Who knows?
You know, you go see the play on the 17th or on the 19th.
You check out the Patrice O'Neill Benefit.
We have a great lineup.
Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, DC Benny, Tim Dillon, Neemesh Patel, Sean Patton,
Rich Voss hosting, and myself.
And also, you know, we always try to get a big comic special guest.
And as of two days ago, we have that person who will be unannounced surprise
special guest also coming.
It's going to be awesome.
All tickets are 75 bucks.
They can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025 or by going to
my website, www.billburr.com.
Yeah, and get your tickets, and it's going to be a great show.
All right.
And with that, and with that, what we're going to talk about this week, mate.
I haven't been doing anything other than just fucking going to the gym, going
to the big gay gym and fucking going to my Broadway play.
That's all I've been doing.
I haven't been smoking cigars.
I haven't had a fucking cigar.
I don't know.
Mid-January.
And I was thinking, you know, instead of just doing 100 days like my daughter
tells me, I was thinking like, you know what?
I got a gig in Italy coming up in July.
Maybe I'll go from January to July.
But then I was thinking like, but then I start back up again, then I have to
quit again.
What if I just say fuck it and just don't smoke cigars?
How about I do that?
So that's kind of where I'm at.
But I'm leaving it open.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I won't.
I don't know.
Anyway, I know what I do.
I'll have a few cigars in Italy, and then I'll tell my daughter, put me on
another 100-day thing.
You know?
Because I can't break my...
You can't break your word with your kid.
You know, if you say I'm doing this, you got to do it.
So she's been helping me out.
So anyway, yeah, that's going to be coming up before you know it.
So, yes, tonight will be the 25th time that we've done it in front of a crowd.
And my thing is I run my lines.
I have like...
I've recorded Michael, Bob, and Kieran's lines.
And I just walk around like a crazy person.
And I say it three times every day, even on my off...
Oh, yes, I only said it once.
But I always make sure I say it every day so I don't forget how it goes.
But anyway, let's get to some funny shit that I saw in the news.
Or who's kidding who?
On Instagram or whatever.
So I saw this thing where Trump was going like,
I'm already having people saying,
please, please, please run for a third term.
I don't know.
You know, we'll see.
It's like, dude, that's not legal.
We found some loopholes.
That guy is the master of just manipulation of Machiavellianism.
A lot of people have told me.
What are you, walking down the fucking street?
Were you hanging out in a diner?
You're the president of the United States.
Who the fuck's talking to you?
The people in your cabinet?
Yeah, they want to hang out.
Who the fuck is telling you that?
Oh, that's right.
He's on Twitter.
I forgot.
But anyway, and what fucking kills me,
it's just like sports.
Like, people who are right-wing are, like, excited by this idea
that he's slowly going to take this country
while they're, you know, the right,
always with the American flag, support the troops.
Freedom!
And this guy is going to circumnavigate the rules,
the Constitution, and all that,
and he's going to fucking become a dictator.
But they're going to love it
because he's doing what he wants them to do, you know?
Which is make it great again.
Make sure this country has the, air quote,
natural order of things.
All that racist shit that is underneath that party's line.
And, you know, it's so fucking overt.
Like, they're literally knocking down George Floyd
fucking murals.
Or it's not the Gulf of Mexico anymore.
It's the Gulf of America acting like that's patriotic
and not anti-Mexican.
That's so funny to me.
It's now called this.
Like, that is the arrogance of my people.
Whitey.
We just rename shit
and we think once we rename it,
that's the name of it.
Like, everyone in Mexico is like,
oh, shit, I guess we got to call it the Gulf of America.
God damn it.
No, we have to.
Trump has a map in the White House that says it.
You know?
Would we give a shit
if they fucking changed the name of fucking Arizona
to something else
and then they had a map of it
and therefore we wouldn't, right?
Well, there you go.
I learned that when I was over in Abu Dhabi.
When I say Abu, you say Dhabi.
I was over there and I said,
oh, yeah, you know,
I went for a swim in the Persian Gulf
and they all yell,
it's not the Persian.
You know, we don't call it that.
I forget, I can't remember what they called it.
The Arabian Sea or some shit.
I don't know what they called it.
But I just laughed.
I go, you know,
that's what my people do.
We come,
we find shit that already has a fucking name
and then we fucking rename it.
But Trump is a genius.
Like, no one is saying he should do this.
So now he's just going to say that people are
and then you know what they're going to do?
They're going to start saying it
because people,
there's enough mouth-breathing morons
that God makes.
You know,
he makes the mouth-breathing morons
to listen to the sociopaths
so the normal people suffer
and God can be entertained.
I am convinced that's how the math works.
Other than that,
he wouldn't be doing it.
I told you that conversation
I had with that person.
I was just like,
I don't understand.
Why does God make sociopaths?
Why does he make pedophiles?
Well, then the religious part.
Well, why does he make nice,
empathetic people?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm like, no, I don't.
Why doesn't he just make that?
Well, there's things that we just,
as humans,
we're going to learn after we die.
Okay.
You want to write that down
and then just look at it
and then actually say it to me again
with a straight face?
Is that what the fuck you want to do?
I remember when the Red Sox
won the World Series
for the first time in 2004
and on ESPN,
they just kept saying,
I'll tell you,
those fans up in Boston,
if they win this World Series,
they're not going to know
what to do with themselves.
They're not going to know what to do.
They just kept saying,
we weren't going to know
what to do.
And then sure enough,
we win it
and they cut to people
and there was guys going,
I don't know what to do.
So that little slice of idiocy
and manipulation by ESPN
can also be used by a president
and it's fucking fascinating.
A lot of people are already,
it's fucking March.
You just got there.
They're not excited
about what you're doing right now.
They're already talking.
They're already saying.
Try it in your life.
It works for these people.
You know,
why should everyone else
just sit around
letting everybody else
have all the fun?
Why don't,
why don't you do it?
Whatever the fuck you want.
You know,
your words are your wand,
as they say
in those self-help books.
It's really fucking hilarious.
It's like all of these
fucking Yankee fans
defending this stupid bat
that they came up with
going like,
this is baseball.
You know,
you find the parameters
of the rules
and you exploit something.
That's baseball.
That's what people
have always done.
Right?
And then what?
That's what the fucking
Mets were doing.
Those fucking
cheating ass
pieces of shit.
Oh my God.
Do the Yankees
need any more
of an advantage?
You already play
in a fucking
wiffle ball park?
You,
like that fuck,
like fucking Yankee Stadium
from day one,
the original one.
They built it
around Babe Ruth.
You gotta look at
that first little fence
that they had.
They had a fence
out in fucking
right field
that dude,
if you backed up,
you'd hit it
with the back of your knees
and fall into
the first row.
That's what the first
one looked like.
The house that Ruth built.
They should have said
the house built for Ruth.
So now,
they got this thing
set up,
you know,
where these guys
are just gonna put up
fucking crazy numbers
because they played
half their games there.
Because I always feel like,
you know,
okay,
it's a hitter's ballpark.
It's like,
well,
then that's gonna be
a disadvantage
for your pitcher.
So I don't think
that as a home team,
you know,
if it's an easy place
to hit home runs,
then it's gonna be
an easy place
for your pitchers
to give up home runs.
So I feel like
that's a wash.
But if you guys
are gonna go up there,
why don't you just
go up there
with those fucking
big red bats
that you used to get
when you first
learned how to hit?
Remember that?
That fucking
Fred Flintstone bat?
Why don't you do that?
Dude,
that's what's funny.
Like,
did the Yankees
need any more
of an advantage?
Until the Dodgers
came along,
they were always
spending the most
amount of money.
I mean,
if I was a Dodger fan,
I would take
the Yankees' bats
as the ultimate
tip of the cap.
That they have
to go up there
and just basically,
they have to,
I mean,
it's becoming golf.
Like in golf,
so many non-athletes
play that every year
they gotta fucking
come out with a new ball.
Like how big?
Big Bertha.
Like,
can you hit it now,
you fucking dentist?
I don't know.
And just always,
as a Patriots fan,
watching them
weigh footballs
and that got our guys
suspended for six
fucking games
even after we beat
them in court
to then just see
this shit coming along.
Ah,
that first Astros
championship,
is complicated.
Was it?
Well,
that was complicated.
Okay.
Anyway.
It is what it is.
It's sports,
right?
It's fucking marketing.
I don't know.
A lot of people
are saying,
a lot of people
saying they wish
they had bats like this.
I don't know.
You know?
All the other teams
are saying
that these bats,
it's fine for us
to use them
and they have no interest
of using bats
like this themselves.
Torpedo bats.
I mean,
you're fucking Aaron Judge.
You're eight feet tall