Name: Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-04-17T20:16:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-17. Transcript available.

Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you.
Ow! Ow! Remember that? That was always in rock music. At some point, you know,
when you sang a song in the 70s and 80s, at some point you had to be like, ow!
Um, Joan Jett.
Ow! I just picture all the producers back then, like, you know, this song, it
needs something. Does it need more cowbell? No, it needs an ow!
And then it's going to go to the next level, so people know that you're rocking,
that you're not fucking around, man.
Um, don't say ow like you're hurt. Say ow like something's going to happen. Ow!
Um, anyway. All right, I'm in a stupid mood. I, of course, have a million
things to do today.
Um, still fucking beautiful weather out here, but you still need, like, a
jacket. Do you know what I mean?
It's like, it's like almost spring, but it's still winter?
Um, oh my God, this guy hit me with this fucking term.
What the fuck was it?
A surprising something or other. Oh my God.
How'd they come up with these fucking terms?
It basically meant that you had empathy for a problem, but they had to turn it
into a compliment for the person.
I forget what it was.
It's the usual shit, you know what I mean?
I care. I'm such a good person because I cared, you know what I mean?
You know that problem other people are having?
Let's not talk about the problem, but let's focus on how much I care about it,
as I do absolutely nothing about it.
Wow, you have a surprising, like, interest in that without doing anything about
it.
You should be complimented.
Let's go to Costco.
Anyway, I saw a great fucking video today because I don't read, man.
There was this lizard getting constricted by this snake, so one of his lizard
buddies came over and was like,
oh, not on my fucking watch, and he starts attacking the snake.
And the snake sees him coming.
He knows what he's doing.
The snake's going, like, this guy's showing up to save his fucking buddy.
That's not happening.
I need to eat, right?
So he's choking out his friend.
You got to give it up to the snake, man.
He was still choking out his friend while trying to bite his other friend.
And his other, his friend just took the hits.
It was just like, you know, that's not how you kill, buddy.
Your bites don't mean shit to me.
Until you put me in a chokehold, this is, this is, you just hit me with jabs.
That's my bro, bro.
And he fucking saved the guy.
Now, I want to know what smart people, scientists, think about that.
Because I thought reptiles didn't have feelings.
I thought they didn't have that ability.
Like, that was an amazing, I don't know.
Those were all reptiles.
I thought that they didn't, they didn't, like, the one guy saw that his friend
was getting choked out.
And not only did he do something about it, the other snake knew that he was
going to do that.
Because that was his friend.
I thought that they didn't think that way.
Bill, why don't you say the same thing 50 times in a row?
All right.
I was a little surprised.
Because, you know, I've seen lions save another lion when there's a bunch, they
get surrounded by hyenas.
He's trying to bite them in the fucking vagina.
So the female lion has to sit down until the male lion with his pimp coat shows
up and just fucking attacks all of them.
It's kind of amazing, like, the respect they have.
For the male, they'll go after a female, and they do most of the killing, too.
That's what kills me.
Right?
But then the male lion shows up.
Just one of him in, like, 40 hyenas.
Like, yeah, fuck this shit.
Dad's home.
Dad's home.
And they all take off.
That's it.
The male lion shows up like a dad in the 70s in his company car.
Maybe he's got that Lincoln Continental that had, like, the first extra brake
lights on the trunk.
Remember that one in, like, 73 or 74?
My neighbor had one of those.
And I was like, that guy is fucking rich.
Remember that?
When you were young and you thought your neighbors were rich, even though they
lived in the same neighborhood?
Like, just because they, I don't know, they bought something?
They had a boat.
You know, or they got a new car.
Like, dude, their lawn looked nice.
They're fucking rich.
It's like, no, they're just better with money.
They're making the same amount of money as your parents.
They just, you know, they're not blowing it on dumb shit.
Although a boat, you have to admit, is there anything better than when your
neighbor buys a boat?
That's the best.
You don't want to be the guy that buys the boat.
You want to be the guy that knows the guy that has the boat.
So then you show up, right?
And you're like, dude, whatever you need.
I'll bring the booze and I'll bring the food.
As long as you buy the boat, get your captain's license, pay all the fees, put
it in the water, take it out of the water, get the barnacles scraped off it.
You do all of that, all right?
I'll just show up with some millers.
And we're going to have a good old fucking time.
You know who the best person ever to be friends with was fucking Elvis Presley,
according to his relatives.
I remember Priscilla Presley was saying that, you know, he wanted to ride
horses.
So he bought himself a horse.
He bought everyone in his entourage a horse.
And then everyone had to have a pickup truck to put their saddle in so they
could drive over.
You know, some reason Elvis wasn't into commuting.
And yeah, he did all of that.
Which just showed how generous and lonely he was and how many hanger-ons he had.
Because wouldn't you be like Elvis?
You know, dude, the amount of fucking runoff pussy I'm getting just by standing
next to you, you don't have to buy me a horse.
I don't need a pickup truck for the saddle.
I'll walk over, dude.
I'll borrow a horse.
You know, you know, come on.
What are we doing here?
E, what's going on, man?
I went to bed early tonight.
You know, I went out like every single night and I was getting ready because I
had to do an hour.
An hour.
Like Joan Jett.
You know what's funny?
When my daughter was little, she wouldn't say Joan Jett.
The way she said her name, she said Joan Jett Rocks.
Because she asked me one time when I was playing I Love Rock and Roll for her
on the way to school.
She was asking me who it was.
She said, who is this?
And I said, Joan Jett.
And she was like, Joan Jett?
I go, yeah.
Joan Jett Rocks.
And then, like, for the rest of the time during that school year when she was,
like, you know, four or five years old, she'd be like, Dada, can I listen to
Joan Jett Rocks?
Adorable.
Make sure you take in all those moments.
It goes by so fast.
Is there anything worse than talking to a parent that has children older than
you and you have to shoulder all their regret and sadness?
Because their kids are now teenagers or they've moved out of the house?
I know everybody says this, but I'm going to say it.
If you know everybody says it, then shut up.
Make sure you take it all.
You know what it is about when your kids get older?
You forget how fucking exhausted you were when they were cute.
You know, and every, like, fucking hour you had to change a diaper or they
would sleep for 20 minutes before they started screaming bloody murder.
You know, and you're walking around like a zombie.
You're exhausted.
And then you got these older parents going, make sure you take in every second.
Like, that's what they did.
They didn't.
You took in as much as you could and you slowly lost your mind from the lack of
sleep.
Stop telling younger people to take in every second.
They're fucking sleep deprived.
Anyway, I just got a good slice of fucking pizza.
I was down in Tribeca.
Which, you know, that's supposed to be a hot, hot neighborhood in New York City.
But it's got the fucking Holland Tunnel right there.
It just destroys the neighborhood.
You know?
Just all these people trying to get into the Holland Tunnel.
It makes all the streets all diagonal and fucking weird.
And there's like nobody walking.
You got to go, like, up to Canal Street to, like, run into people.
Everybody else is just...
You go down the side streets.
I just feel like it's, I don't know, like Russian models and people that work
in business.
Some sort of finance or something where you got to wear, like, a suit.
Everybody's just sort of walking around in, like, a daze.
But anyway, they got a good coffee shop down there.
That's what I was doing.
And then I went by this pizza place that was great down there, too.
And what's funny was I saw a guy...
You ever, like, you know, you have, like, a busy day and you just see a
homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk in the sun and you just start thinking,
like, I'd fucking love to do that.
I mean, I wouldn't want to be homeless, but that part of being homeless right
there, that it's Thursday afternoon and you can just soak in the sun, laying on
the street, buzzing off of whatever the fuck you've just panhandled money for.
In that moment, I don't think it gets any better than being homeless.
You know, once you come down and you're still fucking homeless and nobody seems
to love you enough to let them, you know, to help you out, you got to deal with
that sadness before you start to cycle over again.
But when you're in the moment, when you got the fix and you're laying in the
sun like an old fucking bloodhound on a porch and everybody else is scurrying
off to go work for the man, man.
It's not a bad thing.
So anyway, I'm walking down Canal Street and I see this guy.
He's smoking a fucking, I think it's a blunt.
I've never smoked a blunt, but it's a fat ass fucking joint.
And he had a fucking cup of espresso in his hand and not like a plastic little
cup or anything.
He had an actual, like, little espresso cup.
With a fucking joint.
It was like 10 in the morning.
He was smoking a blunt, drinking an espresso, which I don't know what that does
to your body.
Don't you just kind of level off?
But I just looked at it and I was just like, that fucking guy, that guy knows
how to live.
There's this other group of guys I saw, like, right outside.
I was at this subway stop near the show.
And they got a coffee shop downstairs as you go into the subway station.
And I walked by this group of guys.
It was like 11 in the morning and they were all standing around smoking a joint.
And look at those guys, middle of the day.
What do you do for a living that you can just fucking get baked at 11 in the
morning at your age?
That's amazing, right?
And then I get on the subway.
I go downtown.
I do all my bullshit.
And then I'm coming back up to do the show.
I get off to stop and they're still fucking there.
Still smoking weed.
It was like a work day.
Like, that's one of those things, you know, as I'm getting older, like, I don't
understand, like,
when the fuck do people go to work?
How are people working?
You know, I live in L.A.
There's traffic 24-7.
I know a lot of people are driving around doing Uber.
So that kind of adds to it or Postmating or Amazoning or UPSing or FedExing.
But I don't know.
I'm old enough to remember, like, the 90s.
And what was amazing is being a comedian in the 90s.
Like, during the fucking day, like, you could get a seat on the subway.
You could drive down the fucking street.
Everyone was at work.
Rush hour was, you know, 7 to 9 and 5 to 7.
But if you were driving between those hours, forget about it.
Arm out the window.
Listen in to Lionel Richie.
That's why I'm easy.
I'm easy like Sunday morning.
He looks like a lion, doesn't he?
I always felt that guy looked like a lion.
Especially when he had the fro, like, grown out a little bit when he was in the
Commodores.
You know what's amazing about that guy?
I think he was a horn player when he was in the Commodores.
Like, how fucking ridiculously talented is that guy?
And then he goes solo.
He leaves a hit group as a horn player.
I might be wrong on that.
I think he played a trumpet or some shit.
He leaves, sits down behind a piano, and then just,
I think I'll bang out, like, fucking 50, 75 hits.
You 