Name: Windsor Knot, Phones, 'The View' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-05-01T20:53:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Windsor Knot, Phones, 'The View' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Windsor Knot, Phones, 'The View' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-01. Transcript available.

Windsor Knot, Phones,  'The View' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-25 | Bill Burr

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you whoa what's going on i'll
wire
um all right well i owe you guys an hour today i'm gonna do the best i can to
get through all
of this um because i i went a little short can i just i do like 45 minutes i do
have to go to the
gym because i don't want to be old billy blubber billy blubber tits i don't
want to be that um
you know i did this gig the other day and somebody gave me a free hoodie and it
was the pullover
and i got to admit you know i appreciate the gesture but i am i i don't want i'm
a i'm a zip
up guy you know what i mean i feel a lot more comfortable with like a zip up
like i don't feel
like if you have the pullover there's something like really like it's really up
on your neck and
you're really aware of the hood you know it feels like it's heavier and then
you know what the worst
is is if it's too hot out and you have the hoodie on there's no way to take it
off gracefully in public
without your fucking dad bod torso hanging out the bottom you ever done that at
like a fucking coffee
shop or some shit right and you go to fucking lift it up and uh your stomach
comes out and then there's
that that that place you know with with the the sweatshirt is passing over your
head and you can't see
it's like those submarine movies where they're running silent running deep
right they don't know
what the fuck's going on the depth charge is coming or whatever and uh when the
hoodie comes
fully off your head you always see like two or three people quickly look away
and you're like you know
you know they saw it they saw all the mistakes you made during the pandemic all
those ice cream sandwiches i fucking ate i know they saw it
and they're looking away because they don't want me to feel bad and and i love
them for that but i saw
you look away so i know what you're thinking and what you're thinking is right
you're thinking thank god i am not an old bald ginger that had to take a full
hoodie off
that's that's a full hoodie and i would say the zip up is a half of half a
hoodie
the half a hoodie i like this that one is like casual you know what i mean i
can take
that thing off while keeping the conversation going you know and nobody has to
see anything unsightly
um why did i say full hoodie and and and half a hoodie why did i use that
reference you may not have
asked well i'll tell you why i said it god damn it sorry i'm in a really stupid
mood um because this
week you know i wear a tie every night and glengarry glenross by the way by the
way congratulations
to bob odenkirk he got he got the tony nomination for playing shelly levine and
i have to tell you
okay if you haven't seen the play the level that bob odenkirk is killing it
every single night and he
does it different every night the dude is a beast and he is the engine of that
show the shelly levine
character that that's you know sort of the whole through line of this voyeuristic
look into the um
the sales world is so much through his whole story arc and this is a part that
he's wanted to play for
so long and i remember the first night when we opened and i i saw him you know
start the play john john john
john the way he starts and i got like such like a fucking rush seeing that
being like he is on broadway
we just opened and he's playing shelly levine and he always wanted to do this
and he got the uh and he
got a tony nomination which is really really awesome so um you got to come down
and see why
he got the nomination because he is he's he's him and karen i'm telling you are
like fearless those
fucking guys every night something different uh now i got to everybody donald
weber everybody is i i've
learned so much from everybody in this cast and it's just a great fucking cast
so anyway this week when
i was on the show um you know i don't know how to tie a tie i tie a tie like
donald trump like you know
how it hangs all the way down it hangs all the way down because he doesn't know
how to wear it oh knowing
him he's a fucking sociopath it's probably like something he read in like one
of those
art of war books those mind control books that like he's suggesting he has a
bigger dick than you
a bigger shinier happy haberdashery type of of of dick than you or whatever but
me i just didn't
know how to tie a tie and like you know i was just excited with the knot that i
was tying that i could
somehow get it not to be hanging down in my dick but i still would it up a lot
so i finally
you know i just went on youtube and i learned how to tie a full windsor and a
and a half windsor this
week and it's like the level of joy that it brought me i can't even this like i
don't fucking
however i am wired learning how to do new things could be the stupidest little
thing
like my whole time growing up i always loved those guys that could whistle loud
without having to stick
their fingers in their mouth or anything like that and just one day i went on
youtube i'm like i'm gonna
learn how to do that and then i learned how to do it the amount of calves i've
been able to catch
by being able to do that
when my kids have a bunch of friends over and then it's getting too loud hey
hey hey everybody just
stops settle down right youtube
the internet doesn't have to all be lies
and free porn there's things you can learn out there you can learn how to play
guitar drums finally
you know your dad wasn't in your life you can learn how to fucking tie a tie
um so anyway what i do is i i do on the single day ones i go with the full
windsor
um but now i learned how to do the half windsor so now what i'm doing yesterday
we had two shows
i did the half windsor on the first show and then i did the double the full
windsor on the second show
and uh you know at first it just looked like a a big square but now i got the
nice v going
and it hangs right down to my waist i look like i'm on bonnie miller um and i
you know
i don't know why it just sent me over the set my mood over
over the moon i don't know why stupid like that gets me so goddamn excited
learn how to play a new
song on the guitar or play drums i'll just learn something i don't know what it
is i get that and
and finishing my lawn when i get do my laundry when i go and i put it in the
dryer
okay i get a dryer it's available and i put it in there and i press the fucking
thing
and i just to me right then my laundry's done even though i still have to go
down and get it
and i have to take it out and fold it and bring it back to my apartment and
everything there's just
something about when i hit start and it's done and there's nothing in the hamper
like the level
of satisfaction that that gives me you would think i got a fucking mba
basically what i'm trying to tell you guys is i'm a very simple-minded person
yeah i'm a fucking i'm an idiot i i like there's so many little stupid things
that you can learn how
to do you ever learn how to just like flip an egg over easy in the fucking in
the pan without using
a spatula you ever do that have you ever done that how scary it is and then
that you know and you
always you got to commit to it because the first time you don't and then it
sort of falls on itself
and it breaks the yolk and that that that like that as much as finishing my
laundry makes me excited
when i make an egg over easy and i break the yolk when i go to flip it over i
mean i i really have
to work hard to not look at that as like an omen of how my day is going to be
um
but when you fucking flee you know you gotta have enough butter and you you
shake it back and forth
to see that it's gonna slide you just give that fucking thing you're out and
back and then it lands
and if you do that with two of them side by side and it looks like you know you're
working in a dot
like you went out to a diner or some shit
you already got your bacon going and it's crispy and you make a cup of coffee
and your
fucking latte art looks all right and you sit down and you're like i did this
and then you look around and you're just in an in an empty apartment and you
quietly start weeping
as the deafening sounds of the crunchy bacon being chewed inside of your skull
amplifies your depression
it's the little things people it's the little like at this point
with how fucking depressing the leadership in this country which is really not
leadership it's just
they're leading by dividing the that these guys are doing they are setting race
relations back to
like 1965. and um the fact that everyone meaning my people white people who don't
think that way
are sitting by passively allowing this to happen and i'm talking about republicans
too because they
always try to make like everybody out like they're wearing this red maga hat
they don't know how to
spell that's just that's just media bullshit those aren't the people that got
that guy elected
staunch republicans you know i believe in the ideology of the right that's what
gets that guy elected
all right what gets uh sleepy joe elected is not that chick sitting on the
ground screaming no
it's it's it's staunch whatever you call them like like diehard liberals
just vote in blue right and um
you know i don't know i'm wondering is anybody who who like
just are voting for the republican ideology not necessarily
this guy are you concerned at all
by how much
he seems to just overtly hate people who aren't white
and the level of pain and the wounds that are not healed that he's going and
reopening i just don't
understand i don't understand i understand it i understand because i grew up
with narcissists so i
understand like that's how they feel feelings is like literally hurting people
i just don't get it and
i don't think that that has any place in either political ideology and that
everybody collectively
should be like hey man you know you want to have a conservative ideology that's
fine but to
be like pandering to racism is not good for this country it's not good for
anybody and it's
astoundingly ignorant and you need to stop it because it's depressing everybody
you know
and we all have our ways of dealing with it some people go on youtube and learn
how to tie a tie
oh
anyway
anyway what a what a world and where is jesus when is he coming back
i actually i i don't think jesus is coming back and why would he
i just keep picturing god you know looking into his bedroom going okay you
ready
you're ready and he's sitting there going what do you mean am i ready you want
me to go back down
there sorry i'm cleaning up my table here got a bunch of goddamn crumbs on it
my paper towel guy
um and this is how i clean it off i just brush it onto the floor and keep
saying i'm going to go to
a hardware store and buy a vacuum cleaner but i'm not we all know that i'm not
um
keeps poking his head and going hey you know i think it's time you went but you
want i want to go
back down there well when are you going to stop smoking with you you got to
think weed is legal and
has always been legal in heaven right that's actually a stupid thought you're
in heaven you don't need
weed i think jesus would with all that trauma what is his dad going to say i
needed to go back
when are you going back when am i going to go back i don't know when i feel
like getting nailed to
something again well maybe you should add another kid i will not get a haircut
you know i just feel like
he has every right to push back and not want to come back down here hey dad i
got an idea why
don't you go down there considering you made all of that stuff
let me tell you something son you're going to go down there and i want you to
divide the good
and the bad okay and get back to me okay it's like he's giving them chores to
do
dad i didn't create this mess jesus christ you're just like your mother um
anyway uh what else did i want to talk about oh i have my first uh i have my
first real show
my first real show coming up um
well i did the church one but i'm doing an hour up in port chester this really
cool theater
i thi