Name: Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-05-05T18:12:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-05. Transcript available.

Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25 | Bill Burr

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 5th 2025 what's going on how are ya how's it going nice to see you well i
can't see you but
you know i'm thinking about you and isn't that all we want isn't that what
everybody's talking
about you just want to be seen i just want to be seen i don't feel seen i don't
feel heard
new york gotta put the chain in the door um anyway may 5th happy cinco de mayo
to uh mexican people
um you know let's say a holiday right liberation is something they never taught
us i never heard of
cinco de mayo until i moved to la was completely left off the books 1492 columbus
sailed the ocean blue
the nina the pinta the santa marina the maria the fucking uh the pilgrims they
came over and
evidently they had hats with buckles on them which i don't know if that was
ever proven
like how do they know what the fuck they wore back then is that just all made
up
you know once we pass the hat down
and there was there was no cameras
these fucking archaeologists they just they're just they're just making up shit
they're taking
shit out of their closet and they're fucking with it and they're like hey you
know i was digging
around the dirt oh yeah you're just digging around that's what you do you just
start digging in the
ground and all of a sudden you find a fucking hat and then you can figure out
when it's from
it's kind of weird huh how do they do that i get it when like you know some
fucking psycho corporation
is digging into a fucking mountain and they find some dinosaur bones and then
they go keep it quiet
because we got to get the fucking stuff out of here you know so we can go sell
it
and then somebody who likes jurassic park is like hey man like we got to let
them know
we found a stegosaurus and they're like god damn it these fucking dinosaur hippies
and then they fucking dig i get that but like as far as like a paleontologist
you just don't dig around
do you like someone else was digging around and then they went whoa that's
literally that's a direct
quote whoa like what the fuck is this you know if it's human you call the cops
if it looks like a
fucking dinosaur you what is 9-1-1 for a paleontologist do they have their own
little hotline
is it 8-1-1 in your panic you have a fucking axe murderer coming through when
you accidentally
an axe murderer i think you wanted 9-1-1 bitch i need somebody to come
um sorry i drank some nyquil you know and not even because i'm sick i just like
the way it tastes
i miss doing a boozy shot at the end of night so i'm gonna become one of those
cvs drunks
you know that fucking chugs milk of magnesia or whatever they do it's pretty
ingenious
that someone can go into a drugstore and figure out how to get shit-faced i
understand how you could go
in there and get high on some pills or whatever they have going on with
whatever those people are
pharmacists
like pharmacists live in that middle ground between dentist and hygienist
you know
where exactly is the pharmacist
on the uh in the medical world
you know
let me see if i can do this i think the lowest level
in orderly
and orderly is just a guy that pushes people around
in wheelchairs
and he wears the scrubs
but he has no medical background
right
he's the guy that follows the local sports teams
he was the guy back in the day that if you needed weed he could get it
if coke
you might have to make a few phone calls
that was an orderly
then you had
the next step was a nurse
right
and then uh
who the fuck was it after that
no
i would go
orderly
hygienist
pharmacist
no i wouldn't
i wouldn't
i would go orderly
pharmacist
hygienist
dentist
dentist
and the coaching tree of dentistry
everything from an actual dentist
to an orthodontist
to those fucking creeps that just do cosmetics
dentistry
i just do cosmetic dentistry
those fucking guys are money grubbing cunts
money grubbing cunts
that's all they
i mean you can get that with the dentist
but i was in the dentistry world for a while
and uh
for five years
and i could tell you this
i worked with dentists that were cool
i worked with dentists that were okay
and then
you know
i i
there was a couple of money grubbers
you know
that would be like
you know
they just wanted people with private insurance
they were there to get their fucking money
you know
and i used to think like
wow man that's really fucked up
because you're
working on somebody's mouth
and if you're drilling teeth
that don't need to be drilled
or you're over
there's just something fucked up about that
you're taking away
a part of this person's body
you fucking lunatic
and i thought those guys were bad
but then
then
i met a cosmetic dentist
it sounds like i was on a dating app
and then i met one
no i had one
i thought it was just a dentist
and it wasn't
it was a cosmetic dentist
and i didn't realize
i didn't realize it for like two fucking years
and i was just
and i finally
like the dude was not interested in cavities
like all he wanted to do was like fucking
um
invisalign
um
you know
i got a couple teeth
you know
from grinding him
being a psycho
like he wanted to do shit to that
i was like
no i'm fine
he's like
oh what do you like
the rugged look
it's like
that was the last thing
i was like
dude shut the fuck up
then i noticed in his waiting room
he had a picture of him
at like some steakhouse
that was the picture
and he had these giant fucking white teeth
that i'm like
this guy looks like a game show host
i'm out of here
now i have a dentist again
but typical me
i should have looked at the red flags
but it still took me two years
to get out of there
but fortunately
um
i got out of there unscathed
i would always make up an excuse
before he came
i gotta get out of here
i gotta get out of here
i got
every time i went in there
they needed a full fucking thing of x-rays
it's like he just got one
you just got one
you're not lighting up my head
every time i fucking come in here
you know
because you just
you just became a member
at some golf club
i'm not even saying any that was going on
that was just the vibe
so now i just have a dentist
you know
she's cool as shit
what do you think about this
i think you'll be fine
like that's what you want
um
all right
so then
dentist
then it would go nurse
and then doctor
and then health insurance company
i don't know how it works
um
anyway
um
i saw last week's moto gp
i don't know if they had a race again this week
i think they're off this week
and i saw the one in spain
congratulations to alex marquez
his first moto gp
victory
of his career
uh
he rode an amazing race
uh
mark marquez
wiped out
got back on his bike
and still was able to finish like 12th
or something like that
but i think alex is in the points lead
by one point
over his brother mark
who is the first person ever to win
five sprints in a row
um
and fabio quattro hour
had a great race too
um
um
i don't know
it's shaping up to be a good season
i was worried that mark was just
he would be right
if he didn't wipe out twice
you know
on his own accord
um
he
if he just finished those fucking races
even in second or third
he would have a sizable lead
so it's actually
it's looking pretty good at this point
so anyway
um
i wasn't gonna say
i did uh
tonight i did my first
real stand-up gig
i was at the cap
the legendary capitol theater
in um
port chester
uh
new york
just
on this side of new york
not quite connecticut
so for those of you unfamiliar
with upstate new york
it's funny
they don't consider themselves upstate
that's why i like saying it
they're like
fuck you upstate
i live in fucking west chester
upstate to them is poughkeepsie
albany
ithaca
but i'm just wondering
if you leave new york city
and you go through the bronx
you keep going north
you keep going upstate
terrytown
sleepy hollow
west chester
east chester
port chester
i mean you're on the other side of new rochelle
you're fucking upstate
i'm sorry
but they don't like that
at least in west chester
because in west chester
they got money
you know
and when you say
this dude is upstate
you know
that
that
that infers
a certain
financial
bracket
and they don't want
their homes
to be lumped
into upstate
there's fucking people
i know
that have to drive
an hour
over an hour
to get into the city
and they're trying to tell me
they don't live upstate
you get in a car
and you drive
70 miles an hour
for an hour
before you get to the city
that's fucking upstate
anyway
so i went up there
with my
my list of jokes
this comic
drew done
that i've gotten to know
through instagram
and then being here in new york
and seeing him down the cellar
he's fucking hilarious
he did a
he did 20 minutes
in front of me
fucking murdered
fucking murdered
um
and then i went out
there and i did my bullshit
was able to go for like
an hour and 15 minutes
which is great
i still didn't do three
big bits
so i'm psyched
i feel like
when glengarry
glenross
ends
on june 28th
i will be able to
seamlessly
go do my overseas gigs
um
anyway
you want to hear something funny
somebody was saying
because i was doing uh
abu dhabi
someone was giving me
shit saying it was
blood money
and this
this is like how
fucking racist people are
they go
that's blood money
and on that tour
i'm going to england
they never brought up england
england isn't blood money
oh yeah
well is that
english
england
great britain
that's just salt of the earth
people like uh
no blood
no no blood money
no that's white money
that's clean
as fucking
as white as jesus
who wasn't white
right
he was from the fucking
middle east
i really like
i just cannot
i can't fucking do this
with people anymore
it's
it's like
it's like sports
literally fucking sports
listening to new york yankee fans
defending that stupid fucking bat
the same fucking people
that were backing deflate gate
it's just like
gee
i i can't
i can't fucking have this conversation with you
i can't
what you could fucking have
all right
all right
well you know that investigation
was conducted by the owner
of the losing team right
and he found an equal number
of underinflated balls
but that's fucking
that's bullshit
it's just like
okay i get it
i get it
all right
so england is fucking
wonderful
clean money
no guilt on that
you know
um
anyway
somebody's always got to say
fucking something about something
and then nobody's like
talking about the real shit
i swear to god
if i go
if i see another
if baseball again this year
does that fucking
stand up to cancer
can somebody please
hold up a sign
that says
thank you monsanto
instead of the name of the person
i mean
what what the fuck
are we doing
i'm seeing this shit
on instagram
they're saying
you put a fucking
ice cream
sandwich in the microwave
it doesn't melt
all right
whatever
um
any gig i do
in the united states
is blood money
it's all blood money
it's all blood money
and we didn't do it
they did it
but they're fucking
they're pointing at mexicans
coming over a wall
and they're doing
all this other shit
it's the old misdirection
get them looking at this hand
why this hand's doing that
over there
it's fucking
i don't know
whatever
anyway
so i went up there
and i did
i did my act
and it just
i'm telling you man
it just fucking
poured out of me
so that's the second time
so that's the second time
i've done an hour
so like
i think doing this podcast
helps me to stay relaxed
so i don't get freaked out
when i don't
don't feel like i have
anything to say
and i just go
ah you know
some will come
and then it does
and then i fucking
riff on that
and it's fine
but like
please believe me
the hour needs a lot of work
that's what i was saying
in a couple of these things
i was like
building up scenarios
oh dude
i gotta tell you
a couple things
i saw at the coffee shop
right
i'm sitting outside
and uh
there's this guy
in scrubs
and looks like
charles manson
right
full
just beautiful
full head of hair
gray
little bit of black in it
he's got the beard
and shit
but he's wearing scrubs
so he's dressed like a doctor
but he's got
a head like charles manson
and he's not wearing
any shoes