Name: Little Italy, Redheads, Hair Transplants | Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-05-12T18:52:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Little Italy, Redheads, Hair Transplants | Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Little Italy, Redheads, Hair Transplants | Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

Little Italy, Redheads, Hair Transplants | Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 12th, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya? What is going on, huh? What's going on?
I always ask that, you know, but then sometimes you have to wonder, Bill, do
you really feel it when you say it every Monday?
Or is it just like, just something you say?
And that's really what I want to talk to you guys about today.
You know, how many things are we saying today that we used to mean, and now we
just say it because we say it.
You know, Jesus told the Corinthians one time, God bless you.
And he stopped for a second. He's like, you know, I wasn't even thinking about
my dad when I said that, or your leprosy.
You know, I think it's time I start making these people wash my dirty feet.
Maybe I think about what's coming out of my fucking hippie face every once in a
while.
I mean, who the hell do I think are you? Hey, get your hands off me. Get your
hands off me.
And that's the story of Jesus. Well, the beginning of the end, anyways.
They left that part out of the Bible, you know?
It would be funny if when the Romans got him, he acted like that.
Remember that really eloquent old guy that was let out by the cops?
Unhand me you.
Oh, torture.
You know, can you write a religious book without it? I have no idea.
Anyway.
Although somebody lately has been telling me some of these stories in the Bible,
they're always, like, confusing.
And then you ask the question, and the person answers a few.
And then they always, inevitably, they tap out when they can't answer the
questions.
They just go, well, you know, some of the things God is going to answer when,
you know, he comes back.
Or, these are things that are not for us to know.
Well, then, why would you bring it up?
For the ambiguity?
Did I say that word right?
The ambiguousness?
That was a failed pilot I did for MTV.
We were trying to come up with something to go on right after ridiculousness.
Ambiguousness.
And they just thought it was too vague.
Oh, Jesus.
A dad joke right out of the fucking gate.
Did you really deserve that?
Hey, listen, man.
Hey, listen, man.
Hey, listen, man.
I don't want any fights.
What movie was that?
That was Boys and Company C.
Remember that?
They had the Latino drill sergeant.
And he got in that hippie's face.
And he goes, the hippie just, he's, like, screaming at him, telling him that he's
a piece of shit.
Queers and stares, all of that stuff.
And then the hippie dude goes, he goes, hey, listen, man.
And then the drill sergeant goes, hey, listen, man.
And the hippie enlisted guy goes, I don't want to fight, man.
You know, I'm a peaceful guy.
And the sergeant goes, yeah, that's great.
You know, maybe one day we get engaged, we got married.
And then the guy goes, oh, hey, man, I ain't saying it like that.
And he goes, if you don't get your shit together.
Oh, my God.
I saw that movie, like, once on Cinemax, like, 40 years ago.
How the fuck did that just come out?
I'll tell you why.
Because I had my goddamn coffee this morning.
Might have to hit pause and make this here.
I might, oh, shit, Bill, are you going to hit pause?
What the fuck are you going to do next?
Moonwalk across your goddamn clean apartment?
Listen to how clean it is.
You can hear the echo.
Anyway, yeah, I was getting a little fucking, it's getting a little depressing.
You don't need Prozac.
What you need to do is you need to clean your apartment.
I think that would be a little bit better.
And I can say that because I have no medical background whatsoever.
And I'm a podcaster.
And that's what we do.
Anyway, I had a great fucking day yesterday.
A friend of mine took me up.
I went up to the South Bronx and I got some Dominican food.
And then I went over to Arthur Avenue and I went to the Little Italy over there
and I got a cappuccino with a baby cannoli.
You know, I don't fuck with the sweets.
But, you know, what am I supposed to do?
I'm in Little Italy, right?
So I got a baby cannoli and then I got a little fruit tart there.
There's no way it's a man to tell somebody that you got a fruit tart and not
just start giggling at how stupid you just sounded.
Oh, yeah, Bill, did you get yourself a little fruit tart?
You fucking ginger so-and-so.
Did you skip down the street after you had your fruit tart?
I did.
I mentally skipped down the street.
No, you know what my favorite thing was?
It was I walked down Arthur Avenue.
And that mozzarella place was closed, unfortunately.
But I don't give a fuck.
It's just a reason to go back up.
I was just doing reconnaissance because I'm bringing my lovely wife up there.
Second I got up there, that's all I thought about was walking down the street,
holding her hand.
And she loves that movie, A Bronx Tale, like I do, right?
And I was sitting there thinking when I was drinking the coffee, like, wow, I
bet they shot A Bronx Tale up here, right?
And then I looked at the shooting locations.
And according to the Internet, they shot A Bronx Tale in Queens.
It bothered me a little bit.
You know, I'm in this business.
I'm a big boy.
I know that, you know, they try to make Toronto look like Los Angeles or
whatever.
Sometimes they don't try, like Jackie Chan's movie, Rumble in the Bronx.
Remember that?
And they just, usually when they're trying to make a city look like another
city, they'll just use, you know, stock footage of the real city.
And then wherever they're actually, you know, to put in.
And then when they're actually shooting the movie, they stay in close.
So hopefully you don't notice, you know, not Rumble in the Bronx.
They're like, no, man, we're going to show you the skyline and just tell you
this is the Bronx.
I mean, Drake was walking by in the background.
Everybody knew.
It's like we're in Toronto.
Sorry, I'm in a fucking silly mood.
What do you want from me?
But anyway, yeah, I took the sixth train up.
And I think I took the D train back, which is cool.
When it gets into Manhattan, it goes express from 125th all the way down to 59th
Street, which was nice.
So I'm like, wow, that's not even, it's not even that long a ride, because I
thought I could only go up there on my day off.
Did I mention I'm doing a play?
Baby, if you ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me, I'm doing a fucking
play on fucking Broadway, doing a play called fucking Glengarry.
And I got 58 more fucking shows to do.
56 more.
But who's counting?
Anyway, I sold all my cars.
All I have is my old pickup truck.
So my dream truck, my F-250, I sold that.
I told you guys that.
Yeah, I felt a little sad about it.
But I also, man, it was, I just, you know, I didn't have any room for it.
And I wasn't using it.
I always wanted to have one.
I had it.
I never towed anything.
I didn't put anything in the back.
And I finally had to realize, Bill, you have no reason to own this fucking
thing.
If you lived in the middle of nowhere, you could have like a decent sized
fucking driveway and I could park it and it could be fine.
But, you know, then I would have middle, in the middle of nowhere fucking
neighbors, which are cool until they start talking about the world.
Then you're like, oh, God, racial slur coming in three, two, one.
Anyway, plowing ahead here.
Did you guys watch the MotoGP?
I'm not saying everybody in the middle of nowhere is racist.
I'm not saying everybody lives in a city, you know, isn't racist.
I'm not saying anything.
All right.
So why don't you fucking think about that before you raise your eyebrows at me
on this podcast?
You fucking son of a bitch.
Did you watch the MotoGP?
What a fascinating race in France.
It rained the whole fucking time during the race at Le Mans.
I've actually been there.
I went on the last day of the 24 hour of Le Mans.
Of Le Mans.
Um, shout out to Johan Zarco, the first Frenchman to win a French MotoGP, no,
the race, a MotoGP race in France.
Thank you.
For like 71 fucking years.
Um, how did it happen?
How the fuck did Johan Zarco on a motorcycle that hasn't even seemed to be able
to sniff higher than fucking maybe sixth place this year, all of a sudden, go
past the Marquez brothers.
Fuck the fucking Marquez brothers.
I bury those cockroaches.
Um, well, he started the race on, uh, on his rain tires, so he didn't have to
go into the pits to change.
Everybody else was on the slicks, right?
And Fabio Quattararo, who somehow is a Frenchman.
You can't tell me that's not a fucking Italian dude.
Fabio Quattararo.
That's a French guy.
You're telling me that I'm supposed to believe that that dude's French.
Okay.
Um, both in the sprint and, uh, on Saturday, shout out to Marc Marquez, one of
the sixth in a row, just setting the record.
He already had the record with five.
Um, that dude's been riding like a demon.
He fucking wiped out on Saturday and, um, his tires, I think, got chewed up or
whatever, slipped in the back or whatever on Sunday.
Or did he crash again on Sunday?
I think he might've crashed both days.
Someone was asking me, like, what happened?
Why are the drivers in F1 so young and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, because that sport beats the shit out of your body.
Fucking the G-forces whipping your head and neck around.
It probably moves your guts around, too.
Your insides.
And after a while, just sort of braced.
And then not to mention, you get into, like, a couple, two, three car accidents
a year between 100 and 200 miles an hour.
And I know they got all the fucking safety.
I don't give a shit.
That's got to beat you up after a while.
At least it's not how it used to be.
I mean, people used to die and get burned up, you know?
Go driving into the crowd.
But anyway, so Johan Zarko was in the back of the pack.
And on, like, the second or third term, I saw Petko, from the beginning of the
race, like, he just got a bad start and got passed by, like, nine people.
And then somebody, like, the track was wet, wiped out, and, like, bowling pins
took him out and a few other guys.
And in the middle of all that was Johan Zarko on the right tires, you know?
And he somehow navigated that, was driving on the dirt, got back on the track,
and then it started, you know, he was way in the back.
And nobody thought anything about him, right?
Everyone was looking at Fabio Quattararo.
He was in the front.
And then he wiped out.
I believe.
I believe that's what happened.
I can't remember.
I literally watched it yesterday, but I was doing other shit.
I was cleaning my apartment when I saw it.
And Johan just kept moving up.
And then as everybody went in and had to change to their rain tires, he just
kept going.
And next thing you know, he had, like, a 20-second fucking lead.
And he won.
And all the Frenchmen were singing the national anthem and crying.
It was fucking awesome.
He got all emotional.
Marc Marquez came in second.
I think Alex went down, too.
And then, like, I couldn't figure it out.
Like, everybody had a penalty.
I never seen, like, the whole front of the race had a fucking penalty.
Anyway, it was a very interesting race.
And then, sadly, I saw these clips of ICE going in and just fucking ripping
these people out of their homes.
And mothers and grandmothers and children screaming, no warrant.
If fellow U.S. citizens are like, what are you doing?
They, like, intimidate them, fucking arrest them and shit.
This is like Gestapo type of stuff.
And it just blows my mind that there's a certain ugly segment of the American
population that's enjoying watching these families getting ripped out of their
homes.
And you somehow think that America is going to be better if this is done.
Like, so what?
So they took those people out.
They're taking these brown people out that are living week to week.
And somehow you feel like if they get them out of the country, your boss who's
not paying you a living wage will suddenly start paying you a living wage.
What would be a great thing is everybody read up on the history of these
fucking assholes that have run these companies.
They have not wanted to pay Americans a living wage ever.
They'