Name: Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-05-22T21:48:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-22. Transcript available.

Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm checking in on you.
What's going on? Oh, my God. Week 12. Week 12 of Glengarry, Glenn Ross. Week 12
of 16. And this is the big week.
We have an extra show, an extra show, Friday matinee, because we have Monday
off. I have my first two-day weekend since, like, February.
Looking forward to it. Had a bunch of friends come out this week. Came out to
see the show, which was fun.
And, yeah, the dark days of May are almost over. And then June, my family comes
out, and we ride out the rest of the play, and it will be fantastic.
So, Billy, Billy boy is seeing the light, man. Fucking seeing the light. I'm
slowly going crazy. I'm sitting in this apartment by myself.
I'm trying to finish this car model. I have to finish this thing. I keep
getting frustrated, and I get depressed, and I'm looking at it.
I'm painting all the fucking parts, and then I painted them before I put them
on, so then it wouldn't, and then some of the paint got into the holes that you're
supposed to glue it into.
And I've never been able to finish one of these because of my fucking ADD, and
it just haunts me. It's just sitting here, waiting to be assembled.
So, I got most of the engine together, and then it's the undercarriage. And
then once I get past that, and then I just slap the whole body together in the
decals.
It's right there. The body is painted. Everything is fine. Yada, yada, yada.
And that's where I'm at. Oh, and by the way, oh, my God.
This shit I am still getting from Knicks fans. Fucking hilarious. Fucking
walking around like they won a goddamn championship.
And so what if you do? What if you win a championship? What do you have, as
many as the Miami Heat? Shut the fuck up.
And I never do this shit. I never, I don't want to fucking be this guy that
fucking talks about, you know, but Jesus Christ.
Have a little perspective. New Yorkers have, like, no perspective. Fucking,
they're all bravado until you hit them with facts, and then they just start
fucking laughing.
All of this. This is New York. This is what we do. It's not what you do. You
lose every fucking year. Stop with this. This is what we do.
This is what you do. You talk shit even when you don't do something. So anyway,
all I do is I just think about Verzi. I like Verzi. I would like the Knicks to
win for him.
But all these other fucking, all these other fucking posers. Jesus, fuck, you're
a Knicks fan. You went to a Broadway show. You had a fucking basketball game.
What the fuck are you doing? A playoff game. You went to a Broadway show
wearing a brand new Knicks hat, and you missed the fucking game?
Because you went to go see cats with F-bombs?
All right. That might be a little exaggeration of what you saw.
You saw Les Mis, if they called each other cunts.
Anyway, so last night they were all talking shit. Oh, yeah, we're up. We're
doing Knicks looking good, bro. Knicks are looking good.
Like, I give a fuck. I'm just like, hey, man, I hope it works out for you.
And it was all of this yap, yap, yap, and all of a sudden the city just got
quiet.
You could feel it.
And where the fuck was I? I was out to dinner with my friends, and they looked
up the score.
They said the Knicks lost in overtime.
I will say this, though, to true Knick fans, the ones who didn't immediately
become Brooklyn Net fans,
and start standing there going, Brooklyn, we go hard, or whatever the hell they
say at their arena as they catch t-shirts.
The true Knick fans.
Like, I was talking to Verzi. Verzi was like, he goes, I am literally
physically ill after that loss last night.
And I just laughed. I was like, dude, I don't know how you do it.
I don't know. Like, how do you still do it at your age?
Like, I just, like, last year when the Celtics were making their run, I watched
them up until the finals,
and I just saw that fucking guy on the Mavericks, that European guy, and I'm
just like, I'm not doing this to myself.
I'm not, my kids are going to see this part of me that I don't want them to see.
And the level of hatred that I'm going to fucking work towards that guy from
Shark Tank and that dude from fucking Europe.
It's just like, I am too much of a psycho before the series even starts.
I've still yet to watch a second of my own team winning a fucking championship.
Just to know they won it. Okay, good. Good to know.
And recently, I actually, yesterday, I was, we had two shows, and I was in
between shows,
and I went to, I don't know, I went to try to watch TV, which I don't do that
much lately.
I got back into reading books, thank God.
And I went to watch, you know, maybe a replay or something.
I couldn't find anything.
So they had this fucking show that was about stadium security.
And it was this whole fucking behind the scenes of people doing security at NFL
football games.
And I don't know what the NFL was thinking by, because they're usually pretty
protective of their brand and whatever.
I just watched that thing, and I was just like, this is why I don't go to
sports, sporting events anymore, because of this shit.
All of these drunk-ass, dumb-ass fucking fans.
Like, I'll be, listen, in all fairness, my generation was pretty dumb.
All right?
But we weren't, like, raised on screens.
We did watch a ton of TV, but it wasn't like, you didn't walk around with the
TV.
Like, you got away from the thing at some point.
So, like, I feel like the screen generation, or maybe just because I'm older
and I've had more life experience that I can't remember that I used to be that
dumb.
Maybe I was.
I don't know.
But I was just looking at some of these people.
And there wasn't one smart person that security was having to deal with.
There was nobody, like, really, like, rational.
They were really, uh, I don't know.
It was, I, the whole thing ended up just being really depressing.
Where you're like, this is what public schools is churning out.
And everybody was fat from eating our poisoned fucking food.
And, you know, they're watching these fucking, looking at these apps that are
designed to get you addicted to them so you don't stop watching them.
Turns your brain into mush.
And then they go and they drink in the parking lot.
And they go there as a fucking adult.
And they can't sit through four quarters of a fucking sporting event without
having to be escorted out of the fucking stadium.
And some of these people, they were like parents.
They had, like, fucking kids.
And everybody has, like, this fucking bravado now, you know?
Like, I'm not the one.
I'm not the one to be fucked with.
You don't want this fucking smoke.
I don't give a fuck.
Like, it's like, well, maybe you should.
Maybe you should give a fuck.
Like, you better give a fuck because no one gives a fuck about you or whether
your dream comes true.
So if you're walking, if you don't even give a fuck about yourself, you're done.
Jesus Christ.
Everybody I saw on that show needed a fucking salad, an apple, and a book.
And here's what was crazy.
The security people, they were out of shape.
Not all of them, but enough of them.
Like, it was just a bunch of obese people, like, mildly obese people detaining
drunk obese people.
It was like my 600-pound life meets intervention.
Profoundly depressing fucking show to watch.
I remember back in the day when you used to watch Cops, like, the criminals
weren't that dumb.
Like, it's like a noticeable level of dumb.
There were some idiots on Cops, you know?
Or the first 48, but gee, maybe because they were drunk.
I don't know what it was.
We were pretty fucking stupid when I think about it.
I don't know.
Was not the show to watch.
So anyway, you wouldn't notice, you know, I like teasing asshole Nick Fury.
But I'm actually rooting for the Knicks.
And I've actually always liked them.
Bernard King.
Michael Ray Richardson.
I think he played for the Knicks.
Was he the Nets?
Mainly with the Nets.
Bernard King.
I loved him.
I loved Patrick Ewan when he was with Georgetown.
I loved the Patrick Riley Knicks.
I loved Luttrell Sprewell.
Oh, what was that kid?
Lou, the Asian kid.
That magical couple of months.
And then for whatever reason, they got rid of him.
They got rid of him.
He was amazing.
A lot of their free agent signings haven't like really like panned out for a
while.
When you went into the Isaiah Thomas years, those weren't good years, but to
say the least.
But I've always liked the Knicks and I always liked their colors.
But my God, my God, is their fan base fucking obnoxious.
Fucking obnoxious.
There's just been too many songs written about this city.
And people just have this inflated sense of self just because they're there.
Or maybe I've just been in Times Square for the last couple of fucking months.
And just watching the incredibly overlit nothing that Times Square, there's
nothing there.
There's literally nothing there.
It's souvenir stores and fucking Bubba Gump shrimp.
And everybody's taking pictures.
New York.
That's what's funny is no New Yorker that knows New York.
Times Square, you avoid it.
So if you go to New York, you got to go there and get your touristy picture.
But like Lower East Side, Soho.
From what I heard, Brooklyn, I don't know much about it.
Out in the Queens, there's cool shit out there.
When I was just up in the South Bronx.
The little Italy up there and that Dominican area.
Washington Heights is fucking cool.
Harlem has some great restaurants.
But, you know, take your picture.
But then just get out of Midtown.
Get the fuck out of there.
Oh, my God.
Can we do this now on the podcast wherever you live?
Because every street, like what's that stupid street in Nashville that nobody
in Nashville goes to?
And it's always a bunch of fucking drunk cows on a fucking beer truck
celebrating some fucking fat chick that's getting pregnant.
Going down the street fucking twerking to?
That...
With plus-sized Daisy Dukes on?
Oh, my God.
There's something delusional.
When that movie Coyote Ugly came out, the amount of fucking chicks that focused
on the ugly and felt that that was an excuse to get up on a bar.
Oh, my God.
The amount of force that were just getting up there, you know, looking like
they were about ready to fucking break a hole open in the fucking offensive
line for the running back.
They had like fullback bodies just up there, you know, offseason, fullback
bodies.
I'm trying to think of the male version, like the female version of wanting to
be drunk dancing on a bar.
What is the male version of that?
Is that that dumb game where you punch the speed bag and you let the thing tell
you, you know, what your punching force was?
I don't know.
It really is amazing, though, how these billionaires have just worked this
whole system and they're just designing it to keep us all stupid and it's
fucking working because all of these people are not that dumb.
All of those people that were getting pulled out of those stadiums, they're not
that dumb.
All of those fat chicks on the bar shouldn't be that fucking fat.
We should have good food.
We should have good education.
Good education.
You have a great education, right?
And these fucking assholes just take it all over.
There's plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of jobs, plenty of places to
live.
But like fucking 200 nerds at the top want to take it all for themselves.
And they're not even tough.
They're fucking nerds.
Elon Musk is stealing your sandwich.
He would never just walk up to you face to face and steal your sandwich.
Ah, Jesus.
They do it with politicians.
They do it through the court system.
Oh, God, I'm on one here.
I'm on one.
I got to see.
I got to watch whatever fucking reality shows I've been watching lately.
Anyway, I went.
I was down in Soho today and I went by the Ducati store because I'm, you know,
I want to buy those.
That airbag shit that you can wear underneath your jacket when you ride a
motorcycle.
And I'm trying to determine which is the best one.
I've gone to a couple of place