Name: Borough Pride, Belly Shirts, Woman Sets Man On Fire | Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-05-26T19:51:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Borough Pride, Belly Shirts, Woman Sets Man On Fire | Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Borough Pride, Belly Shirts, Woman Sets Man On Fire | Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-26. Transcript available.

Borough Pride, Belly Shirts, Woman Sets Man On Fire | Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 26, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya? Oh my God, dude. May is almost over.
And I go back home in June. This play is flying by.
We did nine shows last week.
Number nine will put you on the spot.
Deep cut, Schoolhouse Rock.
Number nine will tie you up, oh, in a knot.
Cause it must be some secret way you can check on.
You'll break your neck on naughty number nine.
Instead of eight shows, they threw in an extra matinee cause we have two days
off.
Which I cannot fucking believe.
I have not had two days off in forever.
And I got out of Dodge.
I am out here.
I'm out of the city.
I really forgot like all those years living in New York City, how important it
was to get out of the city.
It's no way to live.
It really isn't.
With all of those people, all of that concrete, everybody stacked up on top of
each other.
It fucking does something to you and it's not good.
It's glorified on all those stupid sports shows.
I mean, all cities are.
All cities, you have to get out of them after a while.
It's no fucking way to live.
There's a lot of awesome things you can do in a city.
But after a while, you have to get out of a fucking city and walk on grass and
smell fresh air and be around trees.
It's just like, you know, and parks in cities just don't do it, you know, you're
too busy trying, you know, I don't know, especially now.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Could we have any more modes of transportation for these goddamn fucking people?
Jesus Christ.
And it's all fucking motorized.
You don't have to pedal a fucking bike anymore.
That one wheel, that fat wheel skateboard thing.
I saw this guy.
I was walking through Central Park and this guy's flying on this thing.
There's a bunch of people in the crosswalk.
And he's on the thing.
He's going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's like, why don't you slow the fuck down, you idiot?
They got skateboards.
You don't have to push on that.
Those things are electric.
Everybody's going by it like 35 fucking miles an hour.
You don't have to pedal a bicycle.
They're, they're, everybody's on like a low-powered motorcycle, like all these
different, like,
like that one kid was basically like a unicycle fucked a skateboard and he was
flying by 35 miles an hour.
I'm just going to run somebody over.
Anyway, I'm waiting for electric rollerblades.
You just fucking stand there.
They just send you down the fucking street.
Anyway, but, yeah, so I got out of the city, man.
I'm fucking psyched.
Visiting some friends here just north of the city.
And, oh, my God.
It's quiet.
I slept better.
And I was standing on my buddy's back porch and I was just smelling the air and
looking at the trees and the grass and everything.
I was like, dude, this is, do you, you live in paradise.
Do you understand that?
I just spent four straight months in a fucking city.
Oh, my God.
Traffic jams of people.
It's just, it's no, it's no way to, it's no way to live.
Don't, don't buy into the hype.
All of these, these fucking things that, that show you.
Moving to the big city.
Oh, boy, here we go.
Here we go.
Bright lights.
Pretty ladies.
Remember Ric Flair?
I also think that that's why it's, it's, it's hard for a lot of people to leave
a city because your identity gets all wrapped up in it and all the shit that
you can see and just go walk to and all of that.
And, and then when you leave the city, you leave the convenience of that.
And then also like, it kind of strips you naked of like, well, who am I if I
don't have the identity of this city that I live in?
You know what I mean?
I would say like New Yorkers are the king of that.
Like, oh, I live in this borough and this is my fucking bodega and I fucking
take this tray.
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
You're just a person.
All of this attitude and screaming and yelling about your bacon, egg and cheese.
You know, you take that person and you stick them in a, in a, in fucking Syracuse.
They lose their mind.
I can't fucking deal with it.
Why?
You can't deal with, I guess Syracuse is still a city or whatever, but it's not
like jam-packed, whatever.
You take them somewhere.
They can't deal with trees, fresh air, peace and quiet.
Ah, I need that energy.
I need the energy.
Why?
Why do you need the, why does it have to be so loud?
What happens when it gets quiet and you're left alone with you?
Um, anyways, I really enjoyed my last couple of days before I got out of the
city because the Knicks lost game two.
Man, I swear to fucking God, I walked by a thousand New Yorkers.
I saw one Knicks hat and one fucking sweatshirt.
The fucking, everything went the fuck away.
I was getting, after every show I was going out there, I was getting heckled by
these fucking Knicks fans.
And it all fucking went away.
It all went away.
So now they won game three.
I actually got to watch game three.
I got to be honest with you, not too impressed with either team.
That was a huge fucking game.
Knicks did not come out with a fire under their ass.
And the Pacers had no killer instinct.
Like, let's put them down 3-0 and let's get out of here quick and rest before
we get to the final.
I didn't see that vibe at all.
It was just fucking NBA basketball.
Um, a lot of three-pointers, which I just don't understand.
I just will never understand that thing.
You just, yeah, you just keep shooting them.
You just, you just keep, you know, you keep shooting them and, you know, if you're
missing them, you just keep shooting them, blah, blah, blah.
You would think that they're now scoring like 200 points.
The scores are still the same.
So, like, what is the fucking point of, like, taking something that's like a 45%
chance of going in
and when you can just go in and take a fucking 12-footer?
There's no one in front of you.
These fucking guys run behind the line to throw up a fucking brick.
Um, and in the end, it's like 108, 106.
Like, I, I, it's, it's mind-boggling to me that you would give up a 12-footer
to take a 45% chance shot, whatever the fuck.
And that's a high percentage, I think, to get one more point.
I don't know.
NFL football is the same way.
Hey, go for the two-point conversion.
Go for the two-point conversion.
Dude, it just took us three downs to score one touchdown.
You want to score another one?
Now you want to score another one to get two points.
To get one extra point than a fucking extra point?
That's what the fuck we're doing?
For some reason, people don't view a two-point conversion as having to score
another touchdown.
Because that's what it is.
But because it's only worth two points, that's how they view it.
I don't know.
You know, I went to summer school for math, so what the fuck do I know?
But I can tell you that for a must-win game for the Knicks and a game where the
Pacers could have put them away, it had regular season vibes.
That's a strange thing.
Anyway, so I'm not in this city, but I guess I bet all the Knicks jerseys and
hats are all coming back out again.
It's a very strange city.
Like, how the fucking Brooklyn Nets moved into Brooklyn with all those Knicks
fans.
Die hard, or whatever that means.
Lifelong Knick fans.
And then they brought the Nets there, and then they all just threw out their Knicks
shit.
And started going to Nets games, going, Brooklyn, Brooklyn.
It just blows my mind how they could do that.
Um, I just don't get it.
And then what happens?
If the Nets suck, do you secretly take out your old Knicks stuff?
Um, I don't know.
Strange.
Strange days indeed.
Um, anyway, so I am out his, uh, stay out here for a couple of days.
Just had to get out of the fucking goddamn, out the goddamn city.
Um, but then also I'm probably romanticizing, um, I'm probably romanticizing
the suburbs.
You know what I mean?
Because then you come out here, and then you gotta deal with people that live
in the middle of nowhere.
Conversations.
It's not too bad now that people have the internet, and everybody's sort of
looking at the same shit.
Um, I don't know.
I will tell you this, though.
Haven't, this is my first two-day weekend.
And, uh, I think since February.
Or maybe the beginning of March.
And, um, I can see why that's required.
One day off is not enough.
To then go back to whatever the hell it is that you're doing.
Um, which brings us to the billionaires.
I'm just gonna keep talking about this till people stop fucking with these two
political parties
and act like they're the reasons why everything's all fucked up.
Billionaires don't want to pay you.
They've never wanted to pay you.
If they could somehow figure out a way, robots, where you would have no days
off ever,
and they wouldn't have to pay you any fucking money, they would do it.
They would do it.
And they've been doing it, and they've got it.
Look, there's now people work full-time.
They work full-time for a fucking corporation, and they cannot make their
fucking rent.
That's on the lower levels, but that's gonna creep its way up.
And you know whose fault it's gonna be?
Mexicans.
Mexicans.
Chinese.
It's gonna be anybody but them.
And you know who's gonna believe it?
My people.
Every fucking election.
That's what it is.
Why can't they be perfect and white like us?
Just using racism as these guys just fuck them in the ass.
They just do it every fucking election.
Every fucking election, they bring that shit up.
So, anyway, all right, here's a pet peeve of mine,
because I'm in a town I am not familiar with.
So I'm trying to find a good coffee spot.
And the amount of places that get four and a half stars for their coffee,
and you walk in, and they're serving it in plastic-to-go cups,
even if you stay there.
Right there.
Right there.
Any place that serves you, that will not give you coffee in an actual coffee
cup,
fuck that place.
It should never be higher than three stars.
Here's another one.
These are all my red flags for a coffee shop.
Four and a half star coffee shop.
And so you click on it, and most of the pictures are of the food.
Whatever pastry, whatever thing that's gonna send you your fucking blood sugar.
Through the goddamn roof.
Fuck those places.
I ended up finally finding a place.
And I walk in there, and the lady goes,
yeah, you know, it's cash only.
And I was like, I'm not afraid of that.
You know, got a little laugh out of her, you know.
And I got a little affogato.
A little fucking pistache.
A little pistachio ice cream in there.
It was fucking fantastic.
And it came to me in a cup.
Like a fucking human being.
Coming over here.
Even those paper cups.
Inside, they got plastic in them.
And that plastic gets in the coffee.
Forget about the fucking microplastics to your brain.
Just, it affects the taste of it.
It's fucking, what are you, what the fuck are you doing?
Four and a half stars?
Would you serve a four and a half star fucking meal on paper plates?
We're not at a barbecue.
And you know, some corporate cunt was just like, yeah, no.
You know, the amount of food, effort, and money.
These cups, they break.
The lawsuits, da-da-da-da-da.
Just put them in plastic cups.
Throw them out.
Put them in the ocean.
Next fucking problem.
Oh, Jesus, Bill.
Anyway, so the Knicks are back in it.
Two games to one.
Sort of.
I don't know.
This is the fascination of the, of a seven-game series.
Is how you look at it psychologically.
So the Knicks go down 0-2, right?
So now you got to look at it like, okay, there's five games left.
They have to win four of them.
All right?
So the Knicks are like staring up Mount Everest at that point.
But then they win game three.
And all of a sudden, it's two games to one.
They still have to win four out of five games.
They're still doing that.
But psychologically, the Pacers are thinking like, oh, fuck.
If we lose the next one, it's tied up and we're going back to New York.
Like you can't stay.
That's that whole fucking thing.
Like when you win the first game on the road and they go, they stole home court
advantage.
It's like, yeah, if you don't count the amount of home games that you have.
It's like