Name: Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25 | Bill Burr
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Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-03. Transcript available.

Completing A Model, Mexican Tooth-fairy, Sailing | Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, June 2nd, 2025.
What's going on? Oh my God, I'm a fucking day late, dude. Jesus Christ. Day
late and a dollar short, kid.
Don't worry about it. I gotcha. Fucking kidding me.
Sorry, it's, you know, this is the birthday week of my lovely, lovely, lovely
wife, who I'm still crazy about after all these years, and my son.
So I had to make sure I was there for it. So I jumped on a red eye and I was
back there, old Billy the baker.
I frosted the cake, you know, I did at least that part of it and was there for
the photo op.
I gave him a birthday gift and he just has a million dollar smile and I was, it
was awesome.
And I went swimming with both of my kids and I hung out with my lovely, lovely
wife and it was great.
And then I just jumped on a super early flight, came back and did the show last
night.
So my apologies, you know, for being a little late here.
My plan was to land and fucking do the podcast, but I knew I was burnt out and
I was like, you know, this just doesn't feel like it's going to be fun.
I had to save something for the play there.
Anyway, we're in the final four weeks of the play and I think I'm going to make
it.
I don't think I'm going to get fired at this point.
I didn't get sick.
I made it through the winter months.
I didn't miss any shows.
And as long as I don't get fucking food poisoning, I think I'm in the clear.
Although I am nervous at the big gay gym because it's pride month, everybody.
So I think the COVID is going to be going around.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my fucking God.
I was at the gym today.
And there was this giant fucking Ivan Drago gay dude.
And I swear to God, he's wearing like it's Calvin Klein underwear.
All right.
And he's a total fucking narcissist.
And he's just right up in the mirror doing his fucking shit.
And it's he's doing it right in front of the rack with all the weights.
So it's him, his dick and his fucking giant body.
And it's just like, buddy, like, what the fuck?
If you just walk down 20 fucking feet, you fucking asshole.
And just there's the whole mirror.
You can look at all of you.
And then there was a little guy who was doing the same fucking thing.
All right.
And I'm not putting this on gay people because there's straight guys that do
this, too.
If you're fucking over at the rack where all the dumbbells are, fucking take a
step back.
Dude, this guy was almost in the mirror.
He was almost dry humping himself.
I'm fucking real.
The fucking etiquette.
Another thing is the people using the machines and then just staring at their
phone and not realizing they're fucking got their mouth open like they're
taking a nap.
They're so into their phone and they're taking like three minute breaks between
sets.
What else?
What else is getting you going, Bill?
I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
So anyway, I went over to the big gay gym today.
I did some reps, five, six, seven, eight, and I got it done.
I got it done.
I got it in.
I'm back.
Whatever.
Yeah, my brain's all over the fucking place.
So let's let's talk about some stuff.
All right.
The NBA finals is featuring your Indiana Pacers versus your Oklahoma City
Thunder.
It's looking like from what people are telling me.
I didn't watch anything out the West.
It's it's David and Goliath.
There's a few people saying, you know, I think the Pacers could surprise some
people.
But generally speaking, people are saying the Thunder are going to bring the
lightning.
See what I did there.
And this is going to be a five, six game series.
That's what they're saying.
I'm back here by myself.
So I have nothing better to do other than do this amazing play that I've had
the privilege
to do over all of these months.
And I'm just going to come back and watch the fucking games.
That's what I'm doing.
I don't know what you're doing, but that's what the fuck I'm doing.
Why does it look like that this podcast is a little quiet?
What the fuck are my bows?
Are they on?
Sometimes that happens.
You leave them on.
Did I leave it on?
Is it off?
Is it off?
It's off.
That one's off.
My other one, my workout ones was for the first time ever.
It was buzzing because I've had I've had this pair of bows.
The gray ones forever in bows is like an old school company.
They actually support their products.
So when the spongy part around your ear wears out, they send you new ones.
It's it's the most exciting thing ever.
You take the old ones off.
You put the new ones on.
They're all shiny and new.
Come aboard.
Let's go to the big gay gym and do the squat rack.
No, I fucking it's my favorite thing ever.
My fucking favorite thing ever.
But I think they're finally after all the years of taking them to the gym.
I think they're finally I think it was the beginning of like, oh, fuck it.
These things are going to die on me.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to stick with bows because they support their fucking products.
So anyway, yes, the unfortunately, the New York Knicks exciting playoff run
came to an end.
Who knows if they didn't give away that game one, we would have had a fucking
epic game seven.
That I was really hoping for because I, you know, I don't know.
I kind of got into the kind of got into that Knicks team.
You know, I shook off the loss.
Them beating my Celtics.
They beat us fair and square there.
They were the better team.
So why not the Knicks?
Why not the Knicks?
So I kind of got into them.
And, you know, I liked it.
I like Carl Anthony Towns.
I like the fucking elbows the guy's throwing.
He's getting a ton of shit on the Internet.
And I think it's fucked up.
Just let the guy be who the fuck he is.
Just let him bother.
It's so fucking dumb.
Homophobia is the dumbest fucking thing.
I'm sitting there making fun of the big gay gym.
It's the stupidest thing ever.
You can't be religious and be homophobic at the same time.
God made gay people.
All right.
So fucking leave him alone.
He got you in the Eastern Conference Finals.
I'm not saying he's gay either.
I'm just fucking...
That's what people...
Just leave the guy alone.
That's all I'm saying.
All right.
Jalen Brunson.
I don't know.
I just got into the fucking team.
And I was going over my buddy's house.
And Verzi's a big Knicks fan.
And this is the thing.
There's a...
I want to see the Knicks win a championship.
Because when they do, Paul Verzi is going to break down and cry.
Like a little kid.
And I want to see that.
I want that for him.
And I also want the laugh of it.
So who knows?
I mean, the Knicks were bad for a long fucking time.
And they beat the defending NBA champions.
They got all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals.
They fucked up that first game.
I mean, they came really close.
They still almost took them seven games.
And who knows?
They had another player in the offseason.
They draft somebody.
I don't know what.
So that is good for them.
And that's good for basketball.
The NBA, which is a shit fucking league.
The amount of fucking people on ESPN and the amount of people talking, going,
Oh my God, the Indiana Pacers versus the Oklahoma City Thunder.
Who the fuck is going to watch that?
It's like they're the two best teams that are left.
Why wouldn't you?
Because you've been conditioned by the NBA.
And they're selfish, just so going after the fucking money and no parody in the
league
that nobody gives a fuck unless it's Boston, L.A., Miami, or Golden State.
And evidently, everybody else can go fuck themselves.
That would not be happening if this was the Super Bowl.
It would be the Indianapolis Colts.
Oh, let's see.
Oklahoma doesn't have a fucking team, do they?
They don't.
Whatever.
I'm just saying.
If the fucking Indianapolis Colts and the Arizona Cardinals were playing,
everyone would be watching because they have parity.
They would have knocked off these great teams.
In the NFL, the way that they have their product is no matter how much your
team sucks,
the right coach, the right GM, ownership, and draft picks,
all of a sudden, your team can be in the Super Bowl like anybody can win it.
That's the way a league should be.
The NBA sold their soul to the Super Bowl team a long time ago when Kobe Bryant
got drafted by Charlotte.
And he said, I'm not fucking playing there.
And they were like, okay.
And they allow all of these big stars to leave fucking all of these teams to
everybody ends up in fucking L.A. for some reason.
I'm not saying, obviously, John Elway said I'm not playing for the Colts.
You know, I get like quarterbacks.
I get it more in the NFL because your career is going to be over, you know,
with no offensive line, with no coach, no GM, and all of that shit.
I understand that.
But your NBA career is not going to be over.
Basketball is not like football, and it's certainly not today.
It's just a fucking perimeter game.
So, I don't know.
I always hate when they say that.
Like, what, does Indiana, Indiana, Indiana doesn't deserve an NBA championship?
Indiana is a basketball crazy fucking state.
The entire state is, not just the city.
Like New York, right?
I don't know.
It's strange to me.
It's fucking strange to me.
But I really got into that Knicks Pacers series, man.
It was a lot of fun to watch.
And then I've been watching the hockey, too.
So, we got, I'm watching the hockey.
How old do I sound?
I'm watching the hockey there.
Florida Panthers versus Edmonton Oilers.
Edmonton Oilers trying to bring the Stanley Cup back to Canada.
Oh, Canada.
You haven't won a cup since 1993.
And even fucking then, it was the Canadians.
And everyone fucking hates them.
Because they think that they are French.
But they're really not.
They're a bunch of hicks living in that fucking country.
Shut your fucking family.
Tom, bouche.
Anyway, this is a hard one for me.
Because I love fucking Brad Marchand.
And I want to see him to get a cup.
So, I am rooting for the Florida Brad Marchands.
I'm not rooting for the Florida Panthers.
Fuck them.
They kicked my team's ass two years in a row.
So, fuck them.
But I love Brad Marchand.
So, I would like to see him win.
So, if Florida wins, I am cheering Brad Marchand.
Other than that, the Edmonton Oilers.
I grew up watching those incredible teams with Yari Curry, Grant Fuhrer, Marc
Messier, Paul Coffey.
Oh, yeah.
Wayne Gretzky.
And all of those fucking guys.
Mike Crucial Niskey ended up out there.
And Craig McTavish.
A couple of Bruins ended up out there.
We got Andy Moog from them.
They were hockey royalty.
And arguably the greatest hockey team ever assembled as far as talent that I've
ever seen in the modern era when there was more than six teams.
So, for them to be the team that could possibly bring it back with Connor McDavid,
Dreisaitl, Nurse, all of those guys.
I like that team, too.
Paul Coffey's with that team.
I love that guy.
I met him years ago at this benefit, and he couldn't have been a cooler guy.
So, I'm rooting for Edmonton.
I'm rooting for the team I'm rooting for is Edmonton.
But if Florida wins it, I'm going to be happy for Brad Marchand.
So, I'm just hoping it's good.
I'm hoping both series are going to go seven games because I have nothing
better to do.
Oh, Billy talking sports here.
And then MotoGP last fucking week.
Marco Busceki.
Busceki?
Is that how you say it?
One in England.
Crazy fucking race.
The race starts, and Alex Marquez just sends it like he's on a dirt bike in
somebody's fucking backyard to the first turn.
And he goes to, I don't know what happened.
The front wheel just went out from underneath him.
They didn't blame him.
They said it was something else about the track.
And then, all of a sudden, guys just start wiping out.
And within the first two laps, Alex Marquez was out, and so was Mark Marquez.
The Marquez brothers are both out.
And Fabio Cuatro Raro is in first place.
They end up having, because a red flag came out within the first two to three
laps, that means they do a restart of the race, which allowed both Marquez
brothers to go 