Name: Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-06-09T18:16:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-09. Transcript available.

Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, June 9th, 2025, what's going on? How are ya?
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Billy, under the weather.
A day before my birthday. Can you believe it, guys?
It's just like, why does this stuff always happen to me?
Oh, my God. How am I going to blow out the fucking candles?
Feeling all thick. I'll have to have someone come and blow them out for me.
It'll be all dramatic. I would blow out the candles, but I don't want to get
everyone sick.
Oh, it's okay, Bill. No, it isn't. It isn't okay.
Turning 57 years old tomorrow. The big 5-7.
Now, this is a year that, you know, a lot of people don't realize how exciting
it is.
To be 57. You know what I mean?
Bum knee, swollen prostate, blurry vision.
You know what I mean?
All you fucking guys cross-fitting, that is nothing compared to being 57 and
opening up your eyes.
And, you know, not being able to see across the room.
Ah, Jesus Christ. Sorry, I had to pause there. Just hacking it up.
Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.
Poor baby.
Nia's in town. This podcast is going to be short because my gorgeous wife is in
town.
Hi, everybody.
Now, let's have a little seat here, Nia.
Okay.
Let's sit down here.
All right, Nia.
Well, I would like to do a podcast with you, but I don't want to get you sick.
Billy drama.
We're not doing a podcast today.
We're not doing a full podcast.
Yeah, I was the one who was supposed to say that.
I was supposed to be the one that fucking said that because then all the racist
people who don't like the fact that we're together would be like,
Oh, I told you. She makes all the fucking decisions.
You know, she actually writes all his material.
Yeah.
He has to run it by her to make sure everything's fine.
Oh, this is so sad.
My favorite thing is when I've been promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, my
favorite troll.
I love this guy.
He keeps writing, this man's fall off will be studied for generations.
Oh, my God.
They've written on my page, too.
What a fucking loser.
No, but my favorite thing about that is generations from now, they're going to
be.
Generations.
No, they're going to be graphing my shit jokes.
Like, what happened to this guy?
And approximately 2024, spilling into 25 is when the fall off really started to
happen.
I know.
Come on, you guys.
It's just all those racist idiots.
Just be happy that Bill's happy.
Isn't that hard?
Isn't that hard?
Don't speak on my happiness.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I'm just, I wish, I don't know what happened.
How I got, I just ran myself a little ragged there.
My mom just texted me and said, our daughter isn't feeling well.
Oh, well.
I'm surrounded, so.
You're surrounded.
Well, no, no, no.
I feel like all I need is a little ginger and lemon.
I got a show tonight, Nia.
Yes, you do.
How can I sing One Flew Over the Fucking Cuckoo's Nest tonight?
No.
The musical.
No.
How can I sing, what is it?
Somewhere Over the Rainbow was what I was trying to say.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Somewhere.
No, I'm not there.
Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
Somewhere.
There you go.
A very pensive Bill Burr took the stage as Glenn, Glenn Gary's Annie.
They added, this is a mashup.
That's how I got the gig.
They combined Glenn Gary with Annie.
Right.
That's what it was.
The second act, you become Daddy Warbucks.
Hey, I got to retell this story because I told it to you.
This was a classic New York moment and why I'm enjoying being in this city.
Aside from the fact that my lovely wife is here and this is the greatest thing
ever.
I go to my favorite coffee shop.
I'm like, hey, ladies.
They're like, hi, old guy.
The usual.
I'm like, you got it, toots.
Right?
I'm grandfathered in.
I can still call young women toots.
Hey, old guy.
So everybody's inside, right?
So I go outside.
It's raining a little bit.
That's probably how I caught this fucking cold.
I don't like drinking coffee inside.
I like being outside.
Remember those old Grape Nuts commercials?
There was always that good looking white guy in the impossibly white bathrobe
out on his treehouse back porch.
Looking at a bear.
Bear looking at him.
You know?
Bear's like, hey, man.
Normally I would fuck with you, but you're eating Grape Nuts.
So I'm just going to keep it moving.
Right?
You got that fiber running through you.
You got that fiber running through you.
And this grizzly bear wants no part of it.
Right?
So I'm sitting outside and I'm drinking my coffee.
Oh, no.
It wasn't raining out there.
It was actually nice out.
And I was just sitting and I was enjoying it, watching the people go by.
There's this older black dude that comes by every single day at the same time,
like dressed to the nines.
Like two-tone shoes, the whole fucking thing.
The kind of old man you want to be, where you still care about fashion, you
know what I mean?
Still looking cool.
And anyway, I'm sitting there and this car pulls up.
This Asian dude gets out with this other guy.
And the fuck, the guy is like screaming into the phone.
Don't do it.
Why?
Don't.
Why?
Don't do that part.
Why?
He was screaming really loud on the phone.
He was screaming.
He was.
He was.
Why are you killing the joke?
It was funny.
He goes like this.
I'm telling you.
He was on the phone.
He was speaking his language.
I don't know what it was, but he was going like,
fucking super loud, like some real stressful shit was happening.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I was really quiet until he got there.
So without even thinking, I just went, buddy, buddy, buddy.
And then in perfect English, he goes, oh, I'm sorry.
And then he took like, he walked like three feet over and then goes,
and I just laughed at myself going, you know, at least he made an effort, you
know.
But then I was, because I've been learning French, you know, and listening to
shit,
like I do what you do where you're looking at body language.
And I could have figured out the whole scenario.
I was like, this guy was remodeling something, a unit or something in this
fucking building
right next door to the coffee shop.
Something was wrong.
He was the money behind it.
He had his project manager with him.
So he was fucking yelling at this guy.
It didn't seem like a today problem.
It sounded like in three days, that fucking Sub-Zero fridge better fucking be
here.
You determined all that because you've been taking French on an app on your
phone?
The way he was doing the, yes.
No, no, no, not the app.
Just, I've been watching movies and all of that.
And I've been trying not to watch the subtitles.
Okay.
So I was able to figure out, yeah, he was, he was running, he wasn't the
project manager.
He was the money.
His project manager was standing there.
Project manager told him something.
And he goes, what the fuck?
You know, it's going to put, that's what I think was going on.
But it was just funny to me that he was yelling like right there when I said,
and he went, oh, I'm sorry, super polite.
And then walked like three feet over and then started yelling again.
And also, because he did that, how quickly he did it and how not far away he
moved from me,
I was able to understand the importance of the conversation that he was having.
Sure.
See, look at that.
You were all worried about my fucking impression.
So there we go, Nia.
What's the next joke that I'm going to do?
And you're going to be, let's see, I literally just said, I literally just said,
you don't do my material.
And you're like, you're right.
You're right.
Unbelievable, Nia.
Oh my God.
I think, I think they understand why I cautioned you in this particular
instance.
Oh, do they?
Now you're speaking for my listeners.
Your ego is out of here.
You know what, Nia?
This podcast will be listened to for generations.
Studied for generations.
Studied for generations as to why.
That's my favorite fucking.
This is it.
See, see, she just did it.
Well, my favorite.
What I love about it is that he's trying to trash me, but he's making me
ridiculously more important than I would ever be.
That my fall off would be studied for generations.
Like I led a nation into ruin.
Well, you're definitely going to be studied for generations.
I agree with that.
Like they're going to do, like after you've gone, they're going to do some sort
of like documentary about you.
They're going to talk about your impact.
I 100% believe that to be true.
I just don't know.
That's not going to happen.
You don't think so?
No.
I think so.
I think there's more interesting things that are going on.
I think what they're going to be studying right now is how the fuck this idiot
became president and is sending the National Guardian to fucking pull these
families apart.
Horrible.
Absolutely horrible.
Fucking ridiculous.
And this is my fucking thing.
These fucking billionaires keep fooling my people, Whitey, that these people
that have no money, can't even vote, are the reason why you can't afford a
house.
And then meanwhile, it's like I'm a billionaire and you're going to work for me
full time for a whole fucking month and you're not going to be able to make
your rent.
But the problem is undocumented immigrants who don't make any fucking money.
Right.
They're taking the American dream for you, not me, who can run a failing
fucking company and still give himself a fucking eight figure bonus at the end
of the year.
Like all of those CEOs, like that fucking guy.
I always give that example.
That guy, he signs on with Starbucks and one of his first moves is he gives
himself a $125 million signing bonus and his fucking employees don't even have
dental insurance.
Wow.
It's like, how do you?
Yeah, they do it all the fucking time.
And it's a bunch of white guys.
It's a bunch of white guys.
Well, I mean, they are at the heart of the matter.
They are.
We are.
You are at the heart of the matter.
Yes.
It all circles back to a bunch of white guys if you really break it down.
Yes, it does.
But what you're seeing is, and it's not because white people are inherently
evil.
What you're seeing is human beings with unchecked power.
This is what happens around the globe.
If you get anybody, whoever the fuck they are.
Remember that fucking broad over there in the Philippines or something?
Had unchecked power and all of a sudden she had like 40 million pairs of shoes.
And Mel DeMarco's.
She was completely out of control.
Out of control.
Out of control.
When are you going to wrap this up so we can go get brunch?
Pesto in your omelet.
Maybe what am I going to wrap this up?
This is what?
You do this to yourself.
I told Nia before I got on this, I said, I'm just going to do a 15 minute
podcast today
because I want to hang out with you.
And then what do you do?
You come on here and you make both announcements going, he's not going to
fucking do a long podcast.
And then you go, when are you going to wrap this up?
I'm trying to defend you for these fucking trolls.
And all you're doing is digging the hole deeper.
Oh, fuck.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You're fucking.
I'm so happy to be here with you.
I only have three more weeks, dude.
I only have three more weeks and then we're back together.
Yes.
The most fun, most fun couple that ever fucking rode across the fucking prairie
of a relationship.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah, there you go.
That's it.
Perfect.
All right, Nia.
Why don't you go get yourself dolled up, you know, put on something that will
impress me.
Okay.
Oh, yes.
Jesus.
Oh, hold the Wells Fargo wagon is a coming at you.
That's the only musical I know because I auditioned for it in the fifth grade
and I didn't get it.
You guys should see how handsome Bill looked last night when we went to the
Tony's after party.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I look like I sold cell phones.
Why was I?
No, you didn't stop.
My star search shirt.
You look great.
You look really great.
Coming up next.
Anyway, what else did I want to talk about?
Oh, yeah.
There was a couple of shows closed this week.
Othello's done.
I never got to see that.
I blew it.
I know.
Good night and good luck.
I did see that.
