Name: Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-07-03T19:47:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-03. Transcript available.

Styles, Car Shopping, Checking Out | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-3-25 | Bill Burr

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday
Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in checking in on you wow um how
are you how's it
going oh look at that sad Charlie Brown looking tree um I like those trees I'm
one of those people
you know you know you ever see like uh you ever see Christmas what's the deal
with Christmas
everybody you know when you go down to get a fucking tree you know when you
bought yourself a
Ford f-250 6.7 turbo diesel regular cab eight foot fucking bed and you don't
even hammer one nail the
whole year but once a year you get a fucking Christmas tree and you have a
reason to use your
truck you know when you go down there um you see the Christmas trees right
bunch of fucking shrubs
you got the full ones right the fatties not questioning anything just fucking
eating
loaded nachos loaded fucking cheese whiz all over the top you know oh shit oh
god here we go
gonna sneeze it's gonna happen look at the sky there we go so what you just
gotta make it happen at some
point you gotta rip the band-aid off just can't sit there with your face all
twisted up people think
you're having a stroke um anyway oh fuck I'm gonna sneeze again hang on look in
the sky um sorry excuse me
sneeze is coming three so we all know this so anyway you go down there to get
your fucking tree and there's
all those those full fatties the loaded nacho people right wearing workout
clothes not working out just
wearing them because they're comfortable just waddling up the fucking street
right same shape as a fucking
Christmas tree pointy head and all just stick a fucking star on them and some
sort of fucking salt and
sugar infused pretzel some unholy matrimony of uh of german and mexican food
you know of like a chimichurra
in in the shape of a fucking once a pretzel right um that's what another thing
too like
i think that's another sign of the apocalypse like all this you know you know
asian infuse this and and
and and and greek infuse that and fucking all of this shit it's just like dude
we've done it we're done
okay there's nothing more for us to discover you know we're we're we're mashing
up music that was
already made we're we're out of ideas
it's like my wife's fucking car they did not you don't need any of this stupid
shit they're just creating new shit that you don't even fucking need like back
in the day you know
you could see what you know as you pulled into a parking spot you could see the
fucking lines
you can't see it anymore so now we gotta have the camera i talked about this
before
this has been discussed um
anyway look at this guy walking his dog down the street do you think guys
really love dogs or they
they love the fact that the dog gives them an excuse to get out of the fucking
house
you know it's harder for a woman to lose weight well you never take the dog for
a walk
well why is that because you win every argument so there's no reason to go walk
something off i gotta
walk off losing even though even when i know i'm right um that's how we stay in
shape
winning being right yet still losing the argument and then having to take a
walk that burns calories
the anger alone you know your furnace is going um my wife's watching that show
i don't know i i can't
remember the name she just keeps watching this show interracial island is what
i keep calling it
whore island underage island i don't know what it is but like they just have a
bunch of 20 somethings
and they're all sleeping in the same room and and and walking around half naked
and and and bondage
themes and it's just i keep saying like you're you're a creep like
why are you watching this she's not just you know bill you're like the only
person who's not watching
this that's not true that is not true i'm gonna say that isn't true well you
don't know what you're
talking about and what happens what happens she watches the show i go for a
walk i go for a walk
this lady walking up steep hill she's got the giant visor on and uh hands on
her hips staring at the
ground every once in a while she looks up that's gotta be one of the most
insane visors i've ever seen
in my life you know like in all those uh platoon vietnam movies when they have
uh vietnamese people
and the rice paddies with those giant hats um like that's how big the visor is
oh now she's going oh no she's doing the sideways she's doing the sideways
crossover with the legs
look at her getting ready for the nfl combine um anyway
the is my point oh yeah getting back to the christmas trees
getting back to the christmas trees i uh i like those sad charlie brown looking
ones i don't know
what it is about them they just did they're clean looking and i feel like you
don't need as many
ornaments you know you know what it's like it's the difference between three or
four cool tattoos on
your arm or getting a sleeve like i think a sleeve unless you murdered somebody
or you're in like
a biker gang you know you shouldn't be allowed to get one again should not be
or you're a rock star
you shouldn't be allowed to get a sleeve tattoo unless you're like an
interesting person
can they make a documentary about your life that would be a hit like people
would be talking about it
or are you just uh somebody who's who's dressed
you know a certain way you know you know those guys where they have like i love
the sleeve tattoo
with like the fade haircut and the giant bushy beard like you're gonna you're
gonna do that
um and then you can't even see what the fuck it is what is it i don't know what
any of that is and
then you start looking at it then yeah i i i bond scott that's the way if you're
gonna get a bunch
of tattoos on your arm i say you go bond scott as opposed to getting the sleeve
unless you've murdered
someone you're in a motorcycle gang or you're a rock star that's it
or if you're a hot chick right and you're good at pool
in the arm that rocks back and forth like a pendulum before she kicks your ass
and runs the table
that person should have a sleeve tattoo you know
not someone that that makes you know artisan cupcakes in a newly gentrified
neighborhood
um oh look at bill bill making rules for society who the do you think you are
um
you know what's the funniest one to me is when the guy goes totally bald and
then he gets like a giant
like insect tattooed on the top of his head and it's just like that's got to be
the only thing worse
than a toupee like why did you do that we all know you're a
bald dad you're on the other side of it i don't give a shit that you got a
daddy long legs on your
black widow
on your head man there's a lot of people with hats in this neighborhood the sun
isn't even out
um oh he's got a scottish terrier oh my god
how bad is this guy's breath there's just something about a scottish terrier
that you can just smell
the stuffiness of somebody's house you know that chess board that's been set up
for years and no
one's played it you know because his last partner you know passed away or some
and now you're just sitting there with all these artifacts
of a social life that no longer exists so what there's only one thing left to
do you got to get a
scottish terrier walk him around your neighborhood with the hannibal lecter hat
on
it's got to be strange for the dog it's got to be weird to be a dog and just
know your owner
you're going to outlive your owner do you think dogs say the same thing you
know where they say
parents you should never outlive your kids do you think dogs think that about
their owners
am i doing 80s stand up right now i think i am what's the deal um all right
anyway
uh i am the most relaxed i've been in i think like a year being back out here
in la
and uh i came out here dude i was wound tight and i could feel myself i was
coming at my wife you
know i was i was i was jibbering and jabbering and poking and prodding just
fucking being a douche but i was able to stop myself and i told her i said this
is i i am like
like i swear to god like i could go i could chew my way through a
fucking chain link fence fence right now like i am just wound up
this is why i never did cocaine like i am like my natural like my resting heart
rate is gacked
i go from gacked and then i slip down to morose i never get into relaxation
like i i push through
relaxations and i just keep going down and down like that guy in the submersible
right until i get
down to the titanic and it all fucking implodes but i've learned now that when
i come back
from a long gig and this is the longest gig i ever had i i just need to do
three days of nothing all
right three days of nothing and doing nothing is really hard for me because all
the demons you know
start rolling around in my brain but i just made myself do it i just fucking i
was like i'm not doing
shit you know i watched that gene hackman movie um nightlife um which i'm still
trying to process
movie was a little i don't know i definitely recommend it but it's it's like
there's a couple
of like what wait what happened what the fuck just happened but gene hackman of
course is great
everybody's great in the movie um definitely those there's a couple of edits
where you like there's like
major chunks will cut out of this fucking movie um anyway
so i watched that and then i felt myself getting so fucking wound up i i i'm
just doing this for
the other psychos out here so you don't drive your wife nuts then i i just i
worked out a little bit
then i chilled you know and i and i just said all right this is going to be
hard but after three days
you're going to be fine and here's the third day you know the the end of it
yesterday
is whenever i'm trying to chill or meditate i always listen to the second side
of the jane's addiction
album uh ritual de la habitual however you say it as a gringo um i just put on
three days
you know which is sort of this trippy song but then it gets like really loud
and then it comes down and
then it gets loud again you know it's kind of like where the i am and then it
goes into that next song
whatever that next song is just beautiful guitar and some of my favorite drumming
of that entire decade is on that track uh three days one and it comes out of
that and dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
and we worked outside at the corner oh yeah hey yeah where did you go i don't
know that song we went laughing
through the garbage that whole that brings me down and now i'm like totally
chill and like i don't ever
want to work again no i'm kidding i went out to flappers last night with dean
del rey i tried a bunch of new
shit um it went great i had a great time and there was this one woman every
once in a while there's
just someone you just fucking line up with she was off to my left and she was
dying laughing at everything
that i said and i was just sort of feet after a while i just was sort of
listening to her just trying
to wind her up like get her going because i was just oh wow she laughed at that
too all right i'm
gonna go a little further you know when you start to lose other parts of the
crowd you know
i started fixating just on that you know what i mean like like a like a fucking
you ever have a
crazy pitbull and it looks at something and its ears come up you know you got
to get a little tug
of the leash or all of a sudden you're gonna have an incident i was doing the
stand-up version of that
on uh uh on stage last night at uh flappers but i was psyched i had a good set
and all that and
then i had like this epic dad day um i took my kids to uh this place travel
town
on the back side of griffith park that has all these old trains and shit
uh took them there then we went to in and out burger
then i went over they hung with their nana for a couple hours then i took my my
daughter out to
a pokemon comic book store and she she lost her mind she lost her mind and i
kind of went into the
comic book store and i was like i gotta get back into reading comics because i
love the drawings in
them and please tell me i know it's probably all done on computers but like it's
still
fuc