Name: Hotel Waffles, London, Kryptonite | Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-07-14T18:54:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hotel Waffles, London, Kryptonite | Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hotel Waffles, London, Kryptonite | Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-14. Transcript available.

Hotel Waffles, London, Kryptonite | Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, July 14th, what's going on? How are ya?
How's it going? Ah, Jesus Christ.
I don't want to fucking do this.
I don't have anything of significance to talk about throughout the entire
history of this podcast.
I'm staying at the airport. I'm at the fucking airport.
You know what's funny is whenever you stay at the airport, like whenever I stay
at a hotel at the airport,
or whenever I see a hotel at the airport, I go, that's the way to fucking do it.
So then the stress of making your flight is gone.
Because you just grab your bags, you go downstairs, and then you're at the
airport.
There's no travel.
We get it, Bill. You're staying at the airport. All right, you know, trying to
paint a picture.
It is a little jarring, though.
To wake up, you know, go down to the waffle maker, you know, half asleep,
trying to remember if you flipped it over.
You know that waffle one, you pour it, you know, and then you got to like
halfway through it, you got to flip it over.
Is that right? Do you have to do that?
The whole thing's hot.
Why would you flip it over?
I don't know.
These are just fucking vague memories coming back.
Like when I used to do college gigs.
I've done a college gig in forever.
I'd love to do a college gig.
I haven't done one in fucking forever.
I remember one of the luxuries back in the day when I would do a college gig in
the middle of fucking nowhere.
Because when I went to check in that sad, under-furnished lobby of whatever
fucking Best Western, Super 8, you know, the minimalist hotel chains.
Motel 6.
No one ever had the courage to go below 6.
Have you noticed that?
Super 8, Motel 6.
And everybody sat there for a second.
Are they going to do it?
Are they going to do it?
Are they going to go Motor Lodge 4?
No one ever had the courage to go that low.
So you'd go in there.
And if they had a fucking waffle maker, like everybody that checked in, that
was your beacon of light.
That was the way out of the tunnel.
I mean, they had a fucking carpet in those hotels that was, like, worse than
the AstroTurf at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia back in the day.
That's all you used to hear about.
Like, it was basically playing in a fucking parking lot.
And the amount of people that came in there, hammered, carrying, like, a half-fucking-full
case of, like, Natty Light or whatever fucking piss they were drinking that.
That night.
To take the edge off of whatever they did in the parking lot or down the road
at some bar that had the heads of animals with antlers on it.
Right?
You're going to those fucking places.
Hunters.
You know?
Then you've got to have the stupid heads of the fucking thing.
It's like, oh, did you kill that?
Well, yeah, you had a gun.
It didn't.
You shot an unarmed deer, you fucking cunt.
All right?
Go make your venison sandwich.
You don't got to make a mockery of the thing.
Look what I did.
It's like, Jesus Christ, dude.
Get a fucking opening line.
Learn how to hit on a woman.
Got to put some fucking beaver head up on the goddamn wall.
The fuck is...
Act like you've been there.
Oh, did you shoot that varmint?
Well, that's amazing.
Did you just one shot?
Or did you have to shoot a couple of times, you cunt?
Got a fucking scope on it?
It's got one of those little fucking red things.
I mean, how much more advantage do you need?
You're dressed like grass and a shrub?
Of course it didn't see you.
Walked right up to it and you shot it right in the fucking face.
Fantastic.
You know how to do that.
That's a great skill.
It is a great skill if for some reason the supermarkets run out of food.
That's a fantastic fucking skill and I respect it.
But you don't got to put the fucking head on the wall.
I respect fishermen more.
Because they're going out to sea.
Right?
What do they have?
They're not out there fucking shooting the fish.
Going, come here.
They're not out there fucking dressed like water.
You know, they're not fucking shooting depth charges off the back of the boat.
They got a fucking rod and reel.
Old school.
I mean, they do have a fish finder.
Let's be honest.
You know, and so many of them go around calling people fucking snowflakes.
It's like, what about all your fucking...
You got more shit to help you kill that fucking thing than fucking golfers.
You ever go on a fucking golf course, those fucking assholes?
They got a scope too.
Like, they're going to shoot something.
Here's the thing too.
I'm not going Peter here.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't shoot an unarmed animal.
If you want to go make yourself a fucking, you know, badger slider.
Whatever the fuck it is you want to do.
I think it's fantastic that you know how to do that.
That you know how to, you know.
Putting deer urine behind your ear.
Like, how many more fucking advantages do you need?
With your little stupid fucking collapsible treehouse that you put up there.
And you fucking sit there with your dumb fucking duck boots on.
You ever seen those fucking boots?
You can literally walk into a river and your feet don't get wet.
It's like, what are we doing here?
Back in the day, I mean, there's just shit you had to go through.
I still think, like, at the end of the day, the bow and arrow is the way to go.
It just is.
It's quiet.
Doesn't make your ears ring afterwards.
I don't know.
Like, if you're going to kill your neighbor, I mean, a bow and arrow.
Who heard it?
Nobody.
You just wait every morning.
You know, you're just sitting across the street.
You're getting his tendencies down.
Every morning, he comes out in his robe and slippers.
Walks all the way down to the end of the driveway to get the paper.
Nobody gets the paper anymore.
It's got to be hard to kill your neighbor.
Back in the day, you didn't have to go in the person's house to kill your
neighbor.
You're just waiting for him to come walking down with his alcoholic legs.
You know, those skinny, pasty fucking legs.
And then, you know, from the waist up, you're shaped like a fucking keg of beer.
Old highball Harry coming down there.
Him and his wife haven't had sex in fucking, since the Nixon administration.
Somehow they still stay together.
Both of them, bleary-eyed.
Him with the booze.
Her with her, quote, knitting club that she goes to.
You guys knit for a long time, don't you, honey?
Pretty dolled up to go knitting.
Anyway, she comes down to the end of the driveway.
That stupid fucking robe.
Doesn't even go down to his knees.
You know?
It's the old school male bathrobe.
You're actually dressed like a whore.
You just didn't know it.
Right?
You come down, and they do that awful, like, bend at the waist as you fucking
bend your knees at the same time.
That awkward sort of, like, I can't do a full squat to get this piece of paper,
and I can't fully bend over to get the newspaper.
So I've got to do, like, I've got to put the responsibility on my knees and my
lower back.
50-50, okay?
The knees, if you can get me down to here, I can bend down the rest of the way
and pick this up.
Right?
And you're across the street going, that's where I'm going to get him.
That's where I'm going to get him.
I'm going to get him right after he stands upright, and he has to take that
breath.
Of, like, all right, I did it.
I didn't faceplant, knock myself out.
That's when you get him right in the chest.
And he goes down right next to his fucking Mercury Maquis.
You know what's perfect?
What would be perfect is right as you release the arrow.
The automatic sprinklers went on.
So it went...
Right?
Right as they turn on that...
That's right when the fucking arrow is cutting through the wind.
That's how you used to take out a CEO back in the day.
And they'd blame it on these goddamn kids.
And no one knew that it was an actually...
It was a professional hit from a jealous CEO across the street
that coveted whatever country...
Whatever shit-brown, earth-toned, fucking four-door sedan,
full-size V8 American car that that man was given by his company.
Anyway...
Plowing ahead.
I, uh...
Yeah, I'm in a fucking...
I'm, like, beyond jet-lagged.
I'm still...
I had a fucking nightmare.
Last night, I was still doing Glengarry Glen Ross.
I showed up really late.
I showed up so late.
I said, let my understudy do it.
And they said, fine.
And then I thought...
But wait a minute.
Then I'll miss a show.
I made a promise that I would not miss one show.
I made a promise to me.
Right?
And I go, no, no, no.
Fuck it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
And it's like, you're running five.
I go, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
I ran downstairs to get dressed.
And for some reason, it was a completely different outfit.
It was very flamboyant.
Had this big silk, like, Barney Miller, like, level fat tie.
Um...
It was just a completely different suit.
And I was like, what the fuck?
Did we change what decade this thing is going on?
Then I was just asleep.
And I didn't have the suit on.
I was asleep, just fucking in a bed, you know?
T-shirt and underwears.
And then they came knocking on the door.
They're like, what the fuck are you doing?
They're, you know, the first scene's about to end.
You're on next.
And I was like, fuck, fuck, I can't find the suit.
They're like, what do you mean you can't find the suit?
And they had changed, like, a bunch of lines.
And I was like, I don't know these words.
And I go, can you have my understudy do it?
They go, we already sent them home.
I go, I think you sent them home in the second act.
Right?
And I fucking woke up in a panic.
And I actually ran the lines.
I still know them.
I was surprised.
I thought I was going to mess up a few of them.
Just came right back.
Came right the fuck back.
Anyway, so I was on the Instagram there.
And I saw this black dude on there.
And he's going, you know what's fucked up is, he goes, I think he said Hitler
killed a million white people.
And he's considered the most evil person on the planet.
And I'm like, he killed six million.
And that was just Jewish people.
For some reason, they don't count the others.
Like, that dude was not stopping, by the way, either.
You know?
It's so funny.
The amount of white people that are like neo-Nazis.
And it's like, dude, he would have killed you, too.
He would have killed you, too.
He considered, like, all of the Slavic people, like, all of Eastern Europe, he
considered them mongrel races of white people.
Like, that guy was not stopping.
And while simultaneously being one of the ugliest human beings ever.
I actually know a person like that.
One of the most racist people I've ever met, slash one of the most ugliest
looking people I've ever seen.
You want to be like, dude, it's not the world's fault that you're ugly.
All right?
Just, you know, God didn't care enough to make you symmetrical.
I don't, it's like, it's not these other people's fault.
So he goes, Hitler killed one million people.
Which is fucking hilarious that he said that, because then he went on to talk
about King Leopold of Belgium, which I never heard of.
Evidently, according to this guy, he goes, he killed 20 million black people in
the Congo.
And he's never even brought up, you know?
And, uh, so I was like, all right, I got to read up on this guy.
And, uh, it was funny to me that he didn't, like, he's, as he's bitching about,
they don't even know how many fucking guys this guy killed.
And then he doesn't know how many guys the other guy killed.
It was like, sort of accidental comedy.
And I just fucking read on this guy.
And he just somehow decided, out of the fucking blue, that, like, whatever was
in the Congo belonged to him.
And he just made these people dig it out of the ground, and he made all of this
fucking money.
And if they didn't get enough rubber or whatever, he would cut their fucking
hands off.
I mean, this is the shit that has been going on forever.
And all of these, these, these fucking billionaires, kings, whatever they're
called during that era, they just fucking, they don't give a, all of it is, you
know, travel in the world,