Name: Stories From The Pool, Yachts, Cupcakes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-25
Uploaded: 2025-07-17T19:43:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stories From The Pool, Yachts, Cupcakes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stories From The Pool, Yachts, Cupcakes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-17. Transcript available.

Stories From The Pool, Yachts, Cupcakes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Ooh, how's it going? Oh, Billy's 80s comedy. I'm going to do some 80s comedy
today. I'm on vacation.
Just wrapped it up on my way back, and I got some 80s comedy for you.
All right, here's one for you. When your wife goes, when you walk by and you
see somebody taking a picture of their wife, don't be that guy who goes, do you
both want to be in it? Can I take the picture? Don't fucking do that.
Mind your own fucking business. I just went from fucking one series of photos
to now two. You just doubled that moment in my life. You cunt.
I understand if a woman does it. I understand if a woman does it, but as a
fucking man, as a fucking man, you don't do that.
Hey, do you want me to fucking? No, I want you to fucking mind your own
business.
I want you to shut your fucking face. The fuck are you trying? What are you
trying to do? Get a good Samaritan award?
Get out. I don't even know if you're good at taking, but then they're always,
the picture always sucks.
What are you, a fan of romance?
Go read a novel and stick your toes in the stand. Get the fuck out of this
selfie moment that I just want to, you know, you know, it's funny.
Had some British guy come up to me. He's like, right, mate. Hey, you build. Oh,
I am a big fan, mate. I don't want to bother you.
I don't want to. I love it. I don't want to bother you. And he's fucking
talking to me.
I don't want, I know you're eating. I don't want to bother you. I don't want to
be this guy. Well, you just did all of that.
So what are we doing here? And he, you know, and he goes, well, what can I get
up quick? Picky called it a picky.
Ended up liking the guy. Once he said picky, I'm like, all right, I like this
guy. I said, what's up to him at the pool?
You know, you know, at first, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't even him. It wasn't
him. It wasn't him. It was what led up to me needing a vacation.
And I was just trying to chill, you know, and another guy come up to me. I don't
want to bother you. Fucking all right. All right.
You don't want to bother me. And you're going to have a sweaty hand. You can't
go fist bump.
I respect the I don't want to bother you. I get it. I know it's going to be
quick. Fine. Fine.
With my kid. All right. What are we doing? What are we doing? Sweaty hand.
Big fan of your comedy. Hey, I'm a big fan of whatever virus you just put on my
hand.
I'm actually having a good time out here. All right. And here's the last one.
Here's the last. This is the classic 80s fucking stand up set up and delivery.
You ever see a woman do something so fucked up to her husband that you actually
low key get mad at your own wife?
She hasn't done anything. And what?
I was out by the pool. Right. And they had like these little cabana things.
And this couple comes out and the wife sees the cabana things.
She's like, oh, so and so they got beds. You should have asked.
That's what she just says. Why the fuck didn't you ask?
How come he has to see in the future, but you don't?
That was literally like, oh, fuck, they have cabanas.
I wish we asked. She felt bed and she just fucking dumped the whole dinner in
his lap.
This is the sad thing. He fucking took it. I was down the gym.
I swear to God, dude, it's a fucking epidemic. I'm down the gym.
OK, you know, opposites attract. So the woman's like type A.
She's fucking crushing the squats. You know what I mean?
She had a hell of a time trying to move the bench over.
So she was trying to drag it over.
So I just pointed like where the handle was to lift it up so you could use the
wheels in the back.
And she gave me a fucking look like don't mansplain them.
And I say fucking drag it across the mat.
You fucking moron. Right.
So her fucking workout ends.
And then she looks at the other.
She looks at her wafy husband who's working on doing handstands.
It was impressive.
He fucking gets up from being upside down.
She goes, are you done with your workout?
And he paused and he just sort of shrugged.
She goes, OK, go up to the front desk and tell the concierge.
Anyway, I will tell you this.
I went on.
I had one of the best meals of my life last night with my lovely wife.
Went on a boat on a fucking lake.
It was ridiculous.
This is how ridiculous the night was.
The end of the night.
One town over up on this hill.
One town over.
They had a firework show.
And we saw it.
It was fucking amazing.
While we're eating.
I felt like it was in a Julia Roberts movie.
But I realized I wasn't because my wife wasn't wearing some big stupid hat.
I always feel like in her movies she always has like a big hat.
You know?
If it's like, I think that's like her nod to be like, all right, this one's for
the ladies.
But if she's doing like one where she's going for an Oscar, there's no hat.
But if there's like, if this is going to be a chick flick, she has like the big
hat.
The big Kentucky Derby hat.
I can probably name three Julia Roberts movies.
I don't know why I picked her.
But that was just the first person I picked.
So anyway.
When the fuck did I talk to you guys?
Oh, I talked to you on Monday.
On Monday.
I have no idea what's going on in the world.
Although through the MLB app, I saw the Red Sox won 10 in a row.
10 in a row and then there's all this scuttlebutt about Devers and why we
traded them and all of that type of stuff.
Something had to do with, can you field ground balls at third and first base?
That simple question.
That simple question, you know?
I mean, that's how a relationship ends with a baseball team.
You know, and I got to admit, after being on a week-long vacation here to
resort, I can see how marriages can end on just fucking one question.
Like right when you, right as you sit down as the husband, hey, you mind taking
some grounders at third and first?
You finally just look at, well, why don't you fucking go to here?
You got a glove?
That's it.
Next thing you know, you lose your house.
You know, what happened?
You had no idea what happened.
You were in a fucking bar pool.
You were relaxing.
You had a fucking drink.
Everything was cool.
And she just asked one too many questions and you snapped.
Anyway, I, what else?
Oh, I got a gig coming up in, what the fuck is it?
Milan.
Milan, Lucic, Italy.
And, um, what was I going to say?
Uh, somebody told me before I came over here.
They're like, you got to watch out for that place in the summertime.
The mosquitoes are fucking crazy.
And, uh, they're not crazy, but they're definitely East Coast.
You know, is there a pond nearby level mosquitoes?
But it's kind of cool.
Like during the day, it's fine.
It's great.
But right at like five, right at dusk, they all come out and it's like a
problem.
So what I don't get is if I was mayor, I would just get a bunch of bats.
I, if there's not a cave, I would make one and I would just send a bunch of
bats in there.
I get some dragonflies and I'd get some frogs and I would just unleash, and I
would leave some food out and I would just unleash these fucking predators on
these things.
Like the St. Valentine's Day massacre, I would just take out, you know, but the
problem is, is all of these politicians, they're in bed with these corporations.
So like, what do the corporations do?
They're like, no, don't, don't do it naturally.
No, don't do it naturally.
Let's get some chemicals that you have to buy from us that are going to affect
the, the population, their health adversely.
Cause then they'll get sick and then we'll make money off of that.
So you'll pay us to solve the problem by creating another problem that we air
quote, have the solution for.
That's what they end up doing.
You know, I saw this fucking, this video talking about something amazing that
Christian Bale is doing to help out, you know, underprivileged kids.
And the caption said, well, the rest of Hollywood flexes on yachts.
Um, yeah, that's one of the big, uh, misnomers of show business that it's a
bunch of people on yachts.
They show the people on yachts, but the same way, you know, when they, they
show like those people in the tech industry, when those fucking weirdo CEO
white guys come out on stage and start fucking dancing around.
Cause they got the next windows thing coming out.
You know, those guys, those guys are on yachts.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
But the people that made it, people that made it got a one bedroom apartment
and show business is no fucking different.
I ran into a guy that was working a lot as a writer.
I hadn't seen him in a while.
And he's now just said, fuck the business.
He's opening a bar because the business has, as they say, shrunk.
The business is shrinking.
It's not shrinking.
It's, it's shrinking into like five people's pockets.
That's what's happening.
Um, you know, not to mention we had these horrific fires, the amount of people
in show business that lost their houses.
Well, Hollywood, Hollywood flexes on yachts, but you know, that is a reputation
that Hollywood has earned because every time somebody gets a yacht or a private
jet for some stupid reason, they got to take a fucking picture in front of it.
Look what I'm doing.
Um, anyway, so the Red Sox, all of a sudden, who knew?
Who knew?
I was like everybody else going, what the fuck are we doing?
Is, is our goal as of the last, like, I don't know how many years to basically
make sure that all of our stars go to the National League West.
Xander Bogarts ends up in San Diego.
Mookie Betts with the Dodgers.
And fucking Devers goes out to the Giants.
Who else is in that division?
Who else would be out West?
Not the A's, not the Mariners, not the Portland Trailblazers.
Oh, the Diamondbacks.
We got to give somebody to the Diamondbacks.
I don't know.
You know, as amazing as that fucking Cliff Lee, that guy's one of the most
amazing pitchers ever, except when he played for us and he kept hurting his arm
and fucking punching out flat screen TVs.
And then like for years, for years.
And we just, oh man, no, Sale, right?
Sale.
Yeah, sorry.
Chris Sale, right?
Cliff Lee, whatever.
One of these fucking guys.
Chris Sale, right?
And then all of a sudden he goes to Atlanta and he can pitch again.
It's unreal.
It's unreal.
I wonder how he views his time in Boston.
He's got to like, he's got to be thinking it was us, right?
Everywhere else he went, it was fucking smooth sailing.
Second, he gets to Boston, he eats one fucking lobster roll.
All of a sudden he can't push, he can't push, he can't pitch, and he has issues
with televisions.
Then he finally gets out of it, he goes down south, you know what I'm saying?
He gets a little fucking waffle house, chicken and waffles or something.
He chills out.
He kind of sits around, wait a minute.
I don't hate flat screen TVs.
I love flat screen TVs.
I like watching movies.
I watch sports.
Programs on nature.
He fucking settles his issues with flat screen TVs.
All of a sudden his arm feels better.
Now he's throwing fucking strikes ahead.
It's very strange.
I'm trying to think if there was another athlete like that.
They're like, just couldn't get it fucking done.
And then all of a sudden, just overnight.
Last Red Sox I remember doing that was Roger Clemens.
We just thought he was like finished.
And all of a sudden he went to Toronto.
And it was like he turned the odometer back like 10 years.
It was unbelievable.
He started working out.
Working out like a son of a bitch.
And all of a sudden he wins like back-to-back Cy Young Awards.
Next thing you know, he's on the Yankees.
He's still going.
Then he goes to the Astros.
Then he comes back to the Yankees.
Roger Clemens is coming back to the Yankees.
I don't know.
Anyway, there should be a name for that.
There should be some sort of sports colloquialism, whatever they say.
Anyway, I got a show in Milan coming up.
And then old Billy Baggins is pretty much done for the year as far as doing
road gigs.
And I'm just going to spend a lot of work.
And I'm just going to