Name: Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25
Uploaded: 2025-08-11T14:28:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-11. Transcript available.

Squats, Driverless Cars, Toothpaste Delivery | Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 11th, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya? How's things going out your way?
Aw, jeez, are they going well there?
Um, oh man, I'm all fucking stressed the fuck out.
I am so goddamn stressed out, I can't figure out why. I had a nice day.
Well, you know, let's be honest, I don't know what, it was like today. Today
was just one of those fucking days.
You know, I had this thing, you know, the open-the-door automatic lock thing,
and it wasn't working, and I was like, oh, you know, judging by the shape of
this thing, this has one of those Frisbee-type batteries.
Ah, we got those. We got those out in the goddamn garage. We can do that, you
know, we have it.
So, uh, Jesus fucking Christ, this lady just walked by, by the way.
She fucking walks by, she's walking her dogs, and she's like talking full
volume on her phone.
You know?
Like, the level that everybody is addicted to their phones, I'm talking about
myself, too.
I kind of got back into reading so I could kind of curb it.
Like, if you ever take a peek, you averaged eight hours. Get the fuck out of
here, eight hours.
Do you, did they count listening to music?
Eight hours? What am I solving the Middle East?
And I'm not. I'm just fucking watching whores trying to do fucking backbends,
and they forgot that they haven't done a push-up or any gymnastics in 20 years.
And then they land on their fucking faces.
It's how they don't break their necks is fucking beyond me.
It's unreal.
And then that transitions into fucking dad-bought guys, for whatever reason,
trying to do a cartwheel.
After fucking, you know, eating mozzarella sticks and fucking potato skins and
bacon-wrapped this and that for 20 years.
So they got these big keg of beer torsos, and then they just got these fucking,
you know, this straight arm where you don't see any bicep or tricep.
It's like, yeah, that's just a fucking flabby arm, right?
And the same thing happens to them.
Once their body weight gets on their arms, they just collapse onto their face.
It's kind of fucking brutal.
Anyway, so she's walking up the hill running a yap, and I'm like, Jesus fucking
Christ.
Can I record my podcast?
I'm literally on my phone.
Gonna get upset with her.
It's like, dude, you're on your phone, too.
So then in my head, I knew I was wrong, so then I had to, like, clarify it and
be like, you know, I had to be like,
yeah, what did I say?
What the fuck did I say?
I said, why the fuck would anybody be, unless you're in show business, why
would you want, like, willingly be on your phone?
That's what I said.
Like, I justified what I was doing because I had the burden of being a fucking
shit joke telling comedian.
You know, there's a lot of times during the day, even without you guys, I say,
shut the fuck up, Bill.
I think that's a healthy quality.
Just shut up.
And with that, I'm going to do this hour-long podcast by myself.
This is the only voice you're going to hear.
Anyway, it used to be so simple.
It used to be such a simple thing.
Anyway, now it's become all fucking convoluted.
Yeah, I did a fucking podcast, right?
And, like, you know, you do these podcasts and then people take clips and then
they just name, they rename it.
And they just change what you're saying because they want to get clicks.
There was a click on this podcast that I thought I did a good interview and it
says, Bill trashes all podcasters or takes down all.
But it's like, when the fuck did I, I didn't do that.
But that makes people, people, oh, I got, I got to fucking see what that, that's
what it is.
Everybody's, click on this.
It's a fucking train wreck.
You got to see it.
And people click on it.
I mean, look at me.
I'm fucking watching adults who still think they can do backbends and cartwheels.
I'm just watching them falling on the top of their head or on their faces.
And then the end of the week, my phone's going like, you averaged eight hours a
day on your phone.
And I'm going, no, I did not.
You know, like a narcissist parent.
Oh, I never did that.
Oh, that was a joke.
I didn't mean it that way.
Well, if I, don't you love that?
You got that from a narcissist.
If I did that, if I did that, if I did that, then I'm sorry.
No, if there's no, if you did that.
Well, I don't recall.
I don't recall.
But you know, but you're saying you're, if you're saying, I am saying it.
I am saying you did.
Well, okay.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you know, if I did that, there's no, if you can't.
Anyway, I'll tell you another fucking type of person that's fucking driving me
up the wall
is, is, is like, yeah, dude.
Like, I don't know what happened.
I was, I was like, I was fucking, Jesus Christ.
These kids only are killing each other next door.
Um, there's just no fucking place to do a fuck.
I, I, this is why people have studios.
I have to get a fucking studio.
I'm having something done to my fucking drum room right now.
People that built it, they're the fucking idiots.
They put air conditioning in it.
Right.
And, but they, they don't have an exit vent.
So the second you close the door, it, you know, creates like this fucking
vacuum or whatever
the fuck's going on.
And they just saw, it goes to a halt, like somebody squeezing a hose.
So I'm finally getting that repaired.
So the next few weeks or whatever the fuck I'm, you know, how much more shit is
backordered.
I'll be in my, my goddamn truck here doing my podcast as people walk by on
their phones
as I'm on my phone, judging them for being on their phone too much.
That's how I roll.
So anyway, I'm looking at this fucking thing and I'm thinking, uh, this, this
car door opener
or whatever the fuck it is.
And I'm thinking like, all right, this, this has gotta be, oh God, I can't do
this podcast
with these fucking kids screaming in the background.
Jesus Christ.
You know, the, the, the exact same sound, uh, kids playing outside is the exact
same sound
of an adult woman being murdered.
It's the exact same sound.
It's fucking unbelievable.
Like the, the blood curdling fucking screaming.
And you're just sitting there going like, you guys are playing, right?
You're still playing.
Everything's good.
Fucking my keys.
I mean, this is the most unprofessional thing you can possibly listening to
right now.
And you're still listening to it, but I know it's not for the right reasons.
I know you're laughing.
You're laughing.
You know what I finally learned about my truck?
You know, these old cars, you always want to give it a couple of fucking
punches of gas
before you start it up.
My truck, for whatever reason, you don't want to do that.
You just want to start it up, start it up dry.
Oh, Jesus.
All right.
Now I'm going to go down the fucking street a little bit.
And then what am I going to run to?
What the fuck is going to be going on down there?
Everybody's out.
Sunday night.
Everybody's fucking walking around, walking their goddamn dogs.
These fucking people with these dogs.
They're wolves.
All right.
It's not a dog.
It's not a dog.
It's a gay wolf.
That's what it is.
It stays inside.
It's transitioned from a wolf to a, what's the generation we're all supposed to
be making
fun of now?
What's the latest generation that everybody's blaming?
There's nothing better than when like 40 and 50 year olds are blaming the
generation that
they raised.
Like, how funny is that?
You know, the amount of fucking baby boomers that like trash millennials, they
can't fucking
do anything.
Well, you fucking raised them.
What are you bitching about?
You know, and now my generation is bitching.
I don't know what the fuck.
I can't keep up with this YZ generation Y generation Z.
And now I think it's generation alpha, which I'm going to, I'm going to go
right now and
just say that's the greatest name for a generation generation alpha as opposed
to like the greatest
generation, you know, which I think, you know, like did Tom Brokaw coin that
phrase?
Did they call him something else before that?
There's no way when they were born, they just said, this is the greatest
generation.
They did shit.
And then they said, that's the greatest generation.
Right.
But it still kind of seems like, you know, like a clip of a review for like a
bad Hollywood
summertime movie, you know, arguably the greatest end of the world summer blockbuster
movie of
all time.
Arguably the greatest generation.
I'm going to get through this fucking story, people.
Oh, I'm going to get through it.
This is a nice street.
It's nice and fucking quiet.
A little too quiet.
Somebody's going to run it off that front door, the gimp outfit on.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, so.
I'm thinking it's one of those Frisbee type batteries, right?
And, of course, I go to open the fucking thing and I open it up and it looks
like a triple
A battery that's been cut in half.
And I'm like, what the fuck is this thing?
I don't have that.
I don't have that.
I have the double A cut in half looking one.
This is a 12 volt.
This is a 12 volt battery.
And like an asshole, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to fish through all of these
fucking batteries
because everybody, you know, with the toys, everybody just fucking, the kids,
everybody
just digs in and rip shit open.
So they're all mixed.
Like the batteries are as organized as the Legos are in my house.
Right.
And, um, so I'm fishing through just like, like laughing to myself going, there's
no
way I'm going to find a 12 volt battery.
And what do I find at the bottom?
I find a 12 volt battery.
I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
Does it fit?
Does it fit?
It fits.
It fucking fits.
And I put it in and I put the fucking thing in and I press the button and I got
no light.
I'm like, well, maybe, maybe if I screw the thing back together, the contact
will be tighter
and then it's going to, I screwed the whole thing back together and then
nothing.
And I was just like, of course, of course, this is worse than not having a 12
volt battery,
actually having one and going through the excitement of like, yeah, this is
something that never
works out.
It actually worked out.
This is fucking amazing.
Uh, only, you know, only to have it be like, yeah, it is the right battery.
It's the battery you need, but like the battery you just took out, it doesn't
work.
So I'm like, all right, well, I'm just not going to take this loss sitting down.
I'm going to the fucking hardware store.
So I go to the hardware store and I am a man on a mission.
I, I am buying every fucking squat, little fat fucking battery they have.
I'm getting some extra double A's.
I'm getting some extra triple A's.
And guess what?
Guess what?
I'm keeping these for myself.
I'm having a little box in the fucking garage just for my batteries where all
the batteries
are still in, in, in like organized, you know, alphabetically voltage, whatever
the
fuck you want to like Dewey decimal, however you want it.
They are going to be where I left them and no duds.
Like, you know, like who the fuck put that battery back in?
You took a new one.
You took out the old one.
Did you throw it in the trash?
No.
You put it in the fucking fresh battery box.
And then you took out that other one and then you went away with your Tyrannosaurus
Rex or
whatever the fuck you did.
You needed it for.
You know, and who ends up, who's the Patsy?
Who's the Lee Harvey Oswald?
This old fucking freckled dad comes up, gets excited.
Oh, wow.
What a great Sunday afternoon.
Who would have thought if you fucking gunned to my head?
I didn't have a little fucking 12 volt battery.
And I did.
I just didn't realize it was a fucking dead one.
What the hell is that?
Guy's flying awfully low.
Awfully low.
Fixed wing.
Awfully goddamn low.
I'm doing a podcast, brother.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Um, it's fucking neighborhood.
Everybody's got to talk to you.
Everybody's got to talk to you.
I'm an asshole.
I should have said hello.
I'm such a dick.
I'm doing a podcast.
Why did I just say that?
All day today, I said the wrong thing.
I should have just said hello.
I'm 