Name: Little-People, the Television Hall of Fame, Instagram | Monday Morning Podcast 8-18-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-08-18T20:38:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Little-People, the Television Hall of Fame, Instagram | Monday Morning Podcast 8-18-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Little-People, the Television Hall of Fame, Instagram | Monday Morning Podcast 8-18-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-18. Transcript available.

Little-People, the Television Hall of Fame, Instagram | Monday Morning Podcast 8-18-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
August 18th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya?
Oh my God, where is the summer going?
Hang on, can someone just explain to me where the summer went?
I swear to God, it was almost like it was just winter, and now it's the end of
summer.
There's no goddamn spring or fall anymore.
I'll tell you where you can't stay anymore, the four seasons.
They gotta change the name to the two seasons.
You know what it is? It's because of Trump and Joe Biden.
And they were listening to Obama and Bush, who had the Clintons' ears, who
talked to George Bush Sr., and he brought it all to Ronald Reagan.
And they all decided there was gonna be only two seasons.
Because they didn't like having to move their shit out of the attic four times
a year.
They just wanted two clothes, winter and summer.
And that's true.
But you'll never see that on the internet, because the world's afraid of it.
Sorry.
Oh my God.
Red Sox lost today.
What a fun-ass fucking team to watch, though.
I'm having such a good time getting caught up with those guys.
Marcelo Meyer.
Is that his name?
22-year-old third baseman.
We got a 21-year-old kid in left field.
We're fucking young.
In the words of the late, great Kevin Knox,
you're young, you're young.
They're coming on.
We're in first place for the fucking wild card.
I think we could win the first round.
Surprise somebody.
Build off of that.
I'll tell you, they've been wearing those alternative uniforms so much,
it was weird to see their regular ones.
I gotta tell you, I fucking hate to say this,
I liked the green monster ones.
First it was the hat, and now I'm looking at the jersey,
and I'm like, ah, right, that's fucking cool.
And I love green.
God damn it.
Now I got, now, you know, so what do I do?
What do I do?
I go on the fucking website, and the hat's all sold out.
It's all sold out.
You can't try to buy the hat on the day that they're wearing it,
because too many people are at home going,
I want one of those.
And I was one of those people.
I was one of those people.
I got left out in the fucking rain, man.
You would think all these years, sitting out there in the bleachers, you know,
with all the other big-headed Bostonians,
they would have a hat in my fucking size, and they do not.
Although, here's a good one for you.
Don't try to buy merch for your team when they're hot as a pistol,
as they always say.
Best home record, best record at home since June something.
They keep saying that.
And then we have the most walk-off wins of the year.
What does that all translate to?
I don't know, about six games out of first place?
I think the Blue Jays won.
You know, and that's good, man.
You know, Toronto, I don't get mad at them.
Canada needs a winner.
You know what I mean?
Like, I always felt like Canadian people never,
white people in Canada never really got their due
for, like, how evil they are.
You know what I mean?
Because of that imaginary line.
We act like they're not also from Europe,
and they're also not from countries that began the slave trade.
You know?
They were just up there.
So they got, like, cut off.
Like, you remember, like, behind the music?
And there'd be some big band,
and there'd always be some dude who got kicked out
or quit the band early on,
and then the band goes on to play fucking arenas.
You know what I mean?
I feel like that's what happened to the white Europeans
that settled up in Canada.
Like, they were like that first drummer
or that rhythm guitarist.
He just didn't have the look, you know,
or he knocked up his girlfriend, and that was it, you know?
And they missed out on, you know, us, you know,
being a part of us and saying how awesome we are
while, you know, oppressing people.
We are the Oprah Winfrey of countries,
except nobody gets a car.
It's just, you got weapons of mass destruction,
and you got weapons of mass destruction.
Everybody freaking out in the audience.
Canada missed out.
So why can't they be up five fucking games
in the AL East on August 18th?
You got a good reason?
Can you explain that to me?
Why they shouldn't be up five games?
I had that Bad Company song in my head.
Ooh, I want you today, yay!
And I don't know any of the music.
I've heard that song.
I don't know any of the lyrics.
I'm ready for love.
I know the hook.
I keep singing the name of Billy Squire's drummer in it,
the late, great Bobby Schoenard.
Bobby Schoenard, Bobby Schoenard,
ooh, I want you to stay, yay!
All day long.
And then I think about Eddie Murphy
when he played Buckwheat when I get to the chorus.
I'm ready for love.
Oh, baby, I'm ready for nub.
I went to the gym today,
and I was singing along to this song,
and I was singing ready for nub.
And this woman on the treadmill
just looked over and gave me a weird look.
And she was one of the rare people
that did not have, like,
those little fucking white earplug things in.
She actually wasn't listening to any music,
and I just walked by going,
ready for nub.
Old Billy Backbend,
three quarters of the way up.
Huh?
How do you like that?
How do you like that?
Pasty as all get out,
white as the fucking snow
on the first day of fucking the year?
Barely any pigment.
Barely any athletic ability.
Ugly as a four-day bender.
And there he is,
getting three quarters of the way.
Inexplicably.
If you could see the level of shock
on people's face
when they see a fucking 57-year-old white man
get on the mat.
Make a look of pain,
a wincing look as he anticipates the pain.
And getting up.
I mean, it's literally,
it's like the spruce goose.
I'm not going to lie to you.
If you ever saw the one and only flight
of the spruce goose down,
I think it was down near Long Beach.
It had like 19 engines
on both fucking wings.
I mean, this guy was just,
Howard Hughes was,
there was something wrong with that guy.
And I think it was called syphilis.
I think he had syphilis.
It entered through his penile corridor
and ended up in his brain.
This guy fucking,
he crashed,
he's crashed more planes than I have cars.
Although I have an impeccable driving record.
But, you know,
I've been in some accidents
when I was younger.
You know?
When drinking and driving
was actually on the sheet
to be considered an Olympic event.
At the last second,
we came to our senses.
We're like,
no, this is stupid.
This is killing people.
All right?
We already have the TT.
We don't need
Olympic level drinking and driving.
That would be amazing.
That would be amazing.
Oh, my God.
You do a throwback 80s night.
Okay?
The music,
the music,
the fashion,
the hairstyles,
all of that.
And then you have
one of those
figure eight racetracks.
And it's the fucking,
it's the drinking and driving.
What do you got?
The Daytona 500.
This would be the day drinking
50 or something.
I've got to somehow see 500.
I don't know.
The day drinking 500.
And it's you and another driver.
Just hear me out on this.
All right?
It's just you and another driver.
Everybody signed their fucking waivers.
You're waivers, rancheros.
Okay?
You get into your car, right?
It's all safe.
You got a fire suit on and shit.
You know what's funny?
Is you would see the most accidents
and the least amount of injuries?
The dude driving drunk
never gets hurt.
He can be ejected
through the fucking windshield.
And he's just,
he's like one of those
fucking things outside a car wash.
You know those things
they blow the air up in?
Just a giant Gumby.
Like, have you seen,
you must have seen that clip
where those people
were mouthing off
on the golf course.
Some public golf course shit, right?
Because they don't have to worry
about a membership.
So they're getting after it.
One foursome
is yelling at another foursome.
And it turns out
one of the guys
is a retired hockey player.
So of course,
there's always some guy,
you know,
who just thinks
if he yells
let's go
intensely enough,
he'll know how to fight.
You know?
Let's go!
Let's fucking go!
He was doing that
and literally
got into a fight
with a former NHL enforcer.
Now this isn't what
I want you to watch
in the video.
What people,
they're all making fun of
in the,
he throws the fucking dude
into a,
into a,
into a,
into a marsh,
into a lake,
into a pond,
into a sound,
I don't,
I don't know how big
the water is.
A lake.
Throws him into the fucking pond.
The kid comes,
comes out of the fucking pond
like Jason
in Friday the 13th.
And it like,
it wasn't enough for him.
Going into the pond
didn't sober him up at all.
He was just like,
pfft,
that's all you got?
That's all you got.
I'm,
I'm,
I'm gonna walk up to you
in squishy fucking sneakers
and socks right now.
Coming up to you.
So he goes after the guy again
and this is,
when,
when I'm telling you
why drunk drivers
never seem to get hurt
and everybody else does,
when the hockey player
fucking throws that guy.
The complete
lack of resistance
that he has
to any of it.
He,
he's like,
like a fucking
newspaper in the wind.
He just,
he just goes with it
and he's all like,
like jello.
And he just fucking lands
and he pops right back up again.
Nothing.
Shoulders not blown out.
Didn't break his collarbone.
What gets you hurt
is you go,
you fucking tense up
and everything's all
fucking rigid.
But this guy,
he went,
I'm telling you,
he went like,
he just got,
there was nothing he could do.
It was like,
he just fucking went with it
and he landed
and fucking popped
right back up again.
So anyway,
everybody's,
you know,
making these memes
about this guy
getting thrown or whatever,
but they're missing
the lesson here.
The lesson here
is that if you're
drunk enough in a fight
and somebody throws you
on grass
or into a fucking
body of water,
like,
nothing's going to happen.
Your clothes
are going to get wet.
You're going to have
to go to the dry cleaner.
All right,
if that dude was
stoned sober,
go,
let's fucking go.
I'm telling you,
he got thrown into the,
somehow his head
would have hit a fucking rock.
When he came out
and that dude threw him,
he would have tried
to fight it
and he would have,
like,
broke his fucking neck.
His foot would have
got spun around.
Something would have happened.
But he was prepared.
This man was shit-faced.
So nothing happened.
He took,
like,
12 punches
from a,
from a former
NHL enforcer
who was also
making sound effects
as he was punching him.
He was going,
bang!
Bang!
Bang!
All of them
waiting for the
knockout punch.
This dude was like
Tex Cobb
just fucking
eating all of them.
He took,
like,
12 punches
from an NH,
retired NHL enforcer,
was thrown in a
fucking lake
and then hurled,
like,
I haven't seen
another human being
get thrown like that
since back in the day
on Wide World of Sports.
They used to try
to find the best
bouncer in the
United States.
I swear to God,
this was true.
In one of the events,
it was like how you
could kick somebody
out of a bar.
Like,
you throw them
out of a bar.
So they had
stuntmen midgets
with, like,
these fucking,
I don't know,
these belts on
that they could
just pick up
and out you go!
And they would
throw
these little people.
This was
on television.
Big,
roided up men
with mustaches
throwing midgets.
And it was on,
it was part of
a sports program.
And that was back
when you could buy
a lazy boy
that had a built-in
ashtray
in the fucking arm.
And you were
ready for nub!
Oh, baby,
you were ready
for nub!
Anyway,
I had a fucking
epic, epic,
epic dad weekend
with the kids
just making up
for all that time
I was doing the play.
I'm gonna give you
an example
of the kind of days
I'm having
with my kids.
All right?
And this,
like,
the dad day
I had
just on Saturday
was like,
I was dialed in
like Wayne Gretzky,
what was it,
1982,
when he scored
96 goals,
when it didn't
even seem like,
how the fucking
somebody even
do this shit?
I did the dad version
of Wayne Gretzky
in 1982.
I'm talking shit.
Somebody needs
to throw me
in a fucking pond.
Arms never went out.
Didn't even try
to break his fucking fall.
Peaches fucking
woo!
He enjoyed
the goddamn ride.
So don't ever
forget that.
You know,
somehow the goril