Name: Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25
Uploaded: 2025-08-28T19:50:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-28. Transcript available.

Crosswalks, Weighted Vests, Back-Up Noises | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-25

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? How are you?
Jesus Christ, I'm sitting here in a fucking parking garage doing my podcast
here.
Fucking my temper is back, but I'm aware of it, and I'm trying to do what I
need to do to get it back down, you know, so I don't go full fucking me again,
you know?
So I'll give you an example. I went out to breakfast with my lovely wife this
morning, so we're waiting in the crosswalk, and there's these two ladies in
front of us.
So we get into the, you know, the people stop, and we get in the crosswalk, and
we're walking behind them, and they're just lollygagging, shooting the shit.
And I just, I've been that person in the car. It's like when you fuck, when you're
in a crosswalk, and somebody stops their fucking car, and they're nice enough
not to kill you, what you need to do is get from point A to fucking point B in
a safe, quick manner.
Okay, I get it. You have a cane, you can take a while, all right? But if you
are a healthy human being, shut the fuck up and cross the fucking street.
You know what I mean?
They just, they're just sitting there just like at fucking Sunday stroll across
the street shooting the shit, and I'm fucking behind them with my wife, and I
know that I'm not the only person that gets annoyed with that shit.
And now it's like you're dragging me in to your lollygagging.
It's like, you know, you ever go to a fucking restaurant with somebody, and
they start bitching about the food?
You know, and it's like, bro, they're making my food too. Like, I'm with you.
Like, they're gonna spit on my stuff too.
That was like the crosswalk version. It's like, if you fucking ladies don't
pick up the fucking pace, and not act like you're running the country,
you don't know what these people are going through that are sitting there, in
their cars.
What if they get fucking mad, and they just fucking, like, today's the day they
finally snap,
and they can't handle one more pair of yoga pants? It's fucking, you know, what
are they, how many people who wear yoga pants
actually are on their way, or coming from a fucking yoga class?
Just walking around with your clam outline, for whatever fucking reason.
It's like reverse MC Hammer pants, and you're sitting there, just shooting the
breeze,
like these people waiting have all the fucking time in the world, and then I'm
behind you.
So by the time they hit the fucking gas to run you over, they, you know, I'm in
front of their car.
Or, here's something else.
Maybe I built that whole fucking scenario up in my head, and projected that all
onto the people in the cars.
Maybe they didn't care.
You know?
Maybe they, you know, they ate a fucking, they ate some corporate weed.
I love this whole thing that weed is legal.
It's not weed anymore.
It's fucking, it's weed infused with corporations' greed.
That's the worst thing that's ever going to happen to mushrooms.
The day mushrooms become legal, what these fucking soulless CEO cunts are going
to do to one of the only things,
it's just natural healing powers of mushrooms.
They're going to destroy it, they're going to genetically alter it, and they're
going to take control of it.
And they're going to fucking ruin it.
And you know what we're going to do?
We're going to go down to Home Depot and deport somebody who's trying to build
you a back porch.
You know?
For like no fucking money.
That's what we're going to, that's where we're starting.
You want to fix this country?
Let's not get to the people who are poisoning your fucking children with the
food supply.
No, no, that's okay, because they're white.
That doesn't count.
You can literally commit a terrorist fucking act, poisoning the food supply of
your own fucking people, and that is fine.
But God forbid you snuck into the country, you know, with a fucking, you know,
a toolbox.
You know, and you want to fix somebody's fucking fender.
Anyway, that's how you fix the problem.
You know, a tornado comes in and knocks down your house.
What's the first thing you do?
You go out and you buy a new toaster.
We'll deal with the house later.
Our biggest problem is we don't have a fucking toaster right now.
Anyway, I did a show last night.
Did not go well.
I was just off.
I wasn't vibing with the crowd.
And it was at least 87% my problem.
But I did get a couple of new ones out.
Oh my God, I had one of the fucking darkest jokes.
I've written two of those this year.
And I just quit after a while.
There's always a couple of really damaged people in the crowd howling, laughing
at it.
And everybody else is like, ooh.
Oh.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Or whatever the fuck it is.
But anyway, I saw some buddies of mine last night.
So that was cool.
And now I just have to, I gotta, I gotta go to the gym.
I gotta get whatever, whatever the fuck it is that's making me annoyed with
people the way they use a crosswalk.
So I drove over to my gym, right?
After.
After the lollygaggers.
And this fucking guy walks in front of my truck.
You know, I came up fast.
I was coming in hot.
Not gonna lie to you.
You know.
Put on the brakes a little harder than I had to.
Because I had to stop.
And I let the guy go.
And he looks at me.
And then he gets in front of my truck.
And he looks at me again.
And then he gets past my truck.
And he looks at me again.
And I'm just like, what the fuck are you looking at?
Like, what the fuck are you looking at?
The fuck are you looking at?
Like, how fucking hard is it to just cross the fucking street?
You saw how fast I came.
I'm in a hurry for no fucking reason.
But at least respect that.
Three looks.
Fucking three looks.
Just look.
What the fuck are you looking at?
This is where I am.
This is why I should not have two cups of coffee before 10 a.m.
I am flying.
No, I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get on the elliptical.
And I love the elliptical.
I've always loved the elliptical.
It was love at first sight.
It's running without fucking damaging your knees.
It's just wearing out your hips.
That's all.
You know, let's change the joint.
You know, that I'm wearing out.
So, and now there's all this new information out there about, like, you know,
if you get
it on elliptical because of the heart rate.
You're actually burning muscle.
All this bullshit, right?
So, now they're telling people, what do you need to do?
You need to get on a fucking treadmill and walk at a slight incline.
So, what do all these cunts do?
They walk away from the elliptical.
Okay?
And I've always been a big fan of your dance with who brung you, right?
And they all walked away.
Because all of a sudden, the treadmill, the treadmill's the hot chick at the
fucking gym
now.
So, now all the cunts go over to the fucking treadmill.
Can't get a fucking, you used to not be able to get an elliptical.
Now the elliptical's sitting there like, you know, like yesterday's news.
You know?
Like a bald ginger on prom night.
Just sitting there home alone.
Home alone.
Right?
But I love it, you know?
Because I fucking, I show up to the gym.
Okay?
Dressed like Rocky Balboa.
I go gray sweatpants and white t-shirt.
That's what I do.
I'm not going to come in there dressed like a fucking X-Man.
You know?
I'll tell you another big thing that's come back.
The weighted vest.
A lot of people out here have weighted vests.
In lieu of actually having a child.
Instead of walking around carrying a child.
They don't want that responsibility.
But they want the cardio of having a kid.
So, they just put a weighted vest on themselves.
And then they go for a fucking walk.
And, you know, with the overpopulation of the world.
I got to tell you, I respect that.
You know?
Ask not what a child can do for you.
Ask how much a weighted vest is.
Weighted vest.
Like, how many pounds do you need to put in there before you can fucking eat
donuts?
Just lay off the donuts.
Fucking walking around.
Why don't you just get a fucking chimpanzee and put it on your fucking back,
you dumb cunt.
I am in a fucking mood.
I'm sorry, people.
This has nothing to do with any of these people.
Like, who gets mad because somebody's wearing a weighted vest?
I will.
You know, out of all the bullshit I've bitched about, I do stand behind looking
at me three fucking times in the crosswalk.
With your stupid in-ears.
Those dumb fucking white straw things that everybody has.
You feel better, Bill?
No, I don't.
All right.
Let's keep going.
What else is happening?
I'm a 57-year-old man sitting in a car alone in a parking lot doing a fucking
podcast.
Oh, what's that guy?
He's got a nice motorcycle there.
Anyway.
Is that the actual paint job or is that a wrap?
I was watching the Red Sox last night.
You know, also playing with my kids, so I was kind of in and out with the game.
And all of a sudden, they were just focusing on this dog.
And I'm like, oh, wow, look at that.
Somebody brought a dog to the ball game.
You know?
It must be a service dog or maybe somebody gets emotionally scared past the
seventh inning,
so they need the emotional support.
But Lapsa, Opsa, whatever the fuck you call it.
Lapsa, Opso.
And it turned out it was a promotional night.
The Baltimore Orioles had Bring Your Dog Night.
And the only deal was, like, for every dog you brought,
you had to buy a certain amount of tickets or something like that.
I've never seen a promotion like that in my life, and it made me really happy.
I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid.
They used to have, like, all of these.
You know, they always stuck with the bobblehead.
The bobblehead.
And, you know, I don't understand those things.
I don't understand why people collect bobbleheads and then why people go on
eBay and then go and try to purchase vintage bobbleheads.
I don't know what it is, but people fucking love bobbleheads.
Like, if I was on Shark Tank, if I was one of those heartless CEOs that likes
to take advantage of up-and-coming talent
and take control of their ideas and then fuck them out of money like they do on
that show,
if I was on that thing and somebody came in with a bobblehead,
I would look at that and be like,
that has got to be the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life.
That is right up there with, like, the Pet Rock and the Hula Hoop.
Both of which were successful.
The Hula Hoop, I have always maintained, is fucking stupid.
It's just something for people to, uh...
I don't know what, to fucking do.
Oh, Jesus Christ, now this fucking guy's staring at me.
Jesus fucking Christ, like, what exactly?
Oh, you know why?
Because I'm doing a fucking podcast in a car.
Maybe that's what it is.
Oh, look at this poor bastard.
There's no parking spots left, buddy.
I hate to tell you, there's none left.
I've been down there.
Turn around.
It ain't gonna work out for you.
See that?
And that's my thing.
He's gonna go all the way down there and have the L.A. experience.
L.A. is all about your car.
There's no public transportation.
There's a...
They're starting to build it, but there's nothing out here.
All it is is about driving your fucking car.
And everywhere you go, you have to drive your car, and there's no parking spots.
And if they are, they're all for, like, compact cars.
And everybody, meanwhile, is driving these giant fucking fat SUVs.
So, this poor cunt's gonna go down there with his giant SUV.
There's gonna be no place to park.
And then he's gonna come out.
And he's gonna, you know, have to stop at the stop sign.
And, you know...
And then there's gonna be two people with their pussy lip yoga pants on, lollygagging
in front of his car.
Just rolling the dice.
Rolling the dice that he's not gonna run up and over those fucking yoga pants.
And your insides are gonna squirt out your mouth like toothpaste.
Oh, Jesus, Bill.
That was graphic.
Well, you know...
These SUVs are big.
Um...
I like that one.
Look at that one.
I like that silver.
Jesus Christ.
Is that a...
What is that?
Is that a Volvo?
Jesus Christ, buddy.
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