Name: Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-09-05T01:01:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-05. Transcript available.

Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Woo, woo, woo, woo. How's it going, man? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Woo. It's the
first night of NFL football, baby.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Loveless fucking marriage. Hey, oh, all the
sad men get to sit down tonight and just be like, you know what?
You know what? As much as it's always my fault, as much as I am the sum of all
the bad things I do, that's how the pie chart works versus all of this good
shit that I'm doing.
As much as I'm dealing with that metric system in her fucking head, I got NFL
motherfucking football. I do have that. I do have that.
And all this shit they fucking put us through, you know, you'd think they would
just let us have that, but they don't.
They huff and puff, walk by the room. Is it almost over?
Did you ever think you'd take that much shit in your life from something that
couldn't kick the shit out of you physically?
You know, I love watching the UFC, and one of the most amazing things that I've
discovered from these amazing fucking, the best fighters in the fucking world,
just as far as like, what do you want to do?
You want to stand up, you want to go to the ground, you want to submit, you
want to throw kicks, whatever the fuck you want to do.
The UFC, right?
Anytime I've ever, you know, heard fighters talk, they talk about how a fight
is like 90% mental.
And I'm thinking like, how the fuck am I going to be 90% mental?
And then I got married, and I said, oh, I know what they're talking about.
I get it now, UFC champion.
I understand, because I lose 90% of the debates in my house.
And I'll tell you right now, that's why you got to marry a dumb broad.
You know, yes, the conversations are going to be painful, all right?
But at least you can get some wins.
You know, you can keep, maybe, maybe, you can be 500 and keep your coaching job.
Anyway, I don't even know who's playing tonight.
I know it's the Eagles.
Your Philadelphia Eagles, the defending Super Bowl champions.
I know they're playing tonight.
I have no idea who they're playing.
How about that division?
You got the defending Super Bowl champions in the Philadelphia Eagles.
You got the Washington commanders after 30 fucking years.
I mean, like, the last time they won a Super Bowl, nobody knew who Bill Clinton
was.
Or Hillary, unless she was in Arkansas.
I'll tell you right now, you know, Billy, you know, he's a liberal.
I don't like him, but I'll tell you something about him.
I like the cut of his jib.
I like the way he carries himself.
You know what I'm saying?
Anyway, they must have amazing arguments, the two of them, Bill and Hillary.
They must be fucking amazing.
Because they're almost like reversed.
Like he acts like a chick.
He deflects everything.
Well, you know, I think if you look at the whole picture.
Bill, what are you talking about?
We're not talking about the whole picture.
We're talking about this incident right here.
Oh, and he just walks away.
I love you, Hillary.
But, you know, you just sometimes.
A lot of times, the most amazing thing.
Like, rather than look at that guy, you know, for like he's the typical piece
of garbage that becomes president.
If you could just get past that and just look at the humor of that guy.
The amount of things that he gets out of when he gets asked a direct question.
He does this fucking thing where he just laughs and then he walks away as he
starts to answer it.
And then he just trails off on purpose in his sentence and acts as though him
walking three feet away like he disappeared behind a mountain.
You'd be like, hey, Bill, you remember that time you used that intern's vagina
as a humidor?
And he'd just be like, oh, well, you know, a lot of times people smoke.
You're like, how did he just?
Do I need to get my hearing checked?
I can still touch him.
He literally walked two steps over to another reporter.
But his voice, it was like it went by in a car.
Like, what just happened there?
Amazing.
You know what I mean?
You have to respect it.
It's like when whoever your sports rival is.
And as much as you don't like that team or whatever.
If you're a true fan.
There are people on the team where you're just like, God damn it.
I love the way that guy plays the game.
You know, that Derek Jeter thing where Red Sox fans were just like, God damn it.
You know, he's great for the game.
The way he carries himself.
You know, he never yells at the umpires.
All he does is he sticks his finger in the ear hole.
Acts as though he's starting to take off his helmet.
Never makes eye contact.
He's just kind of like, that was a strike?
That's where the strike is?
That's the strike zone.
Okay.
Okay.
So next time I come up here, that's going to be a strike.
All right.
But the umpire knows what he's saying.
The umpire knows what he's saying.
He told that umpire that he fucking missed it without even saying it.
I don't think I ever saw that guy get ejected.
I mean, I didn't watch every game of his career.
But like, I saw some, you know, some questionable calls.
And he never lost his temper.
And I sat there as an angry little leprechaun, fascinated by that.
Like, how do you do that?
So I wouldn't have been that way.
Let's just pretend for a second.
I could hit a baseball, anything over 60 miles an hour.
You ever go to the batting cages and just humble yourself?
Like, you know, when you're sitting in the stands, the ballpark does not look
as big as it is.
And every once in a while, you take a fucking tour of a major league ballpark.
And you stand on the field and just feel like, you know, it's like train spotting.
When the dude falls into the floor, when he's on heroin.
Like, I feel like.
And I also, the.
I feel like the more wide open it is.
No, they all, they're all like intimidating.
There was like a thing I used to do when I was on the road.
I would take tours of these ballparks.
And if there was an upper deck, he just, you felt like swallowed up.
But if I would go to like, like the Tigers.
And you'd stand on the field.
The, the expanse of it.
You're like, I, I, I literally think you could take, you could fucking.
A 747 could get enough speed by the time it got to that wall and take off and
clear this stadium.
Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
What else?
I rode my motorcycle for the first time in fucking forever.
I just build these things up in my head.
I got on the thing after doing the play and it said the tire pressure was down.
So then I had to order one of those tire pressure fucking pump things.
And then I'm looking through the manual and I'm thinking like, I'm not going to
be able to figure this out.
I'm going to fuck this up.
I'm, I'm just, I'm just going to do something wrong.
I'm going to fuck it up.
And then I'm going to wipe out on the bike.
And then I won't be able to do my shows.
And then I'm going to lose all my money and I'm going to have to move back in
with my parents.
I literally do that over like having to inflate a tire, six pounds of pressure.
And that is really like, that's what the public school system does to people.
You have about a grade and a half.
When I was coming up in the public school system, you had a grade and a half to
do well on tests.
To have a good feeling about yourself.
And, and if it didn't happen like that, that, that was just it.
That was it.
You were done.
You were done.
You had any head like, oh, okay.
I see where I fit in.
Those are the smart kids.
Uh, you know, those are the kind of smart kids.
And these are the morons.
All right.
I got it.
I'm a moron.
I got it.
I have the, call on me.
I got it.
Man, man.
Yes, Billy.
What's the answer?
I'm a fucking moron.
That's correct.
Thank you.
Star on your forehead.
Right?
And then you're an adult.
And, you know, it's just, just sit down, read the man.
It could not have been easier.
36 pounds of pressure in the front tire.
And guess what?
The information was on page 39.
So guess what scatterbrain does?
He inflates it to 39.
This is the truest thing I'm ever going to fucking say about myself.
Even when I'm right, I become wrong.
It's unreal.
I took out the manual.
I figured out how to use the fucking thing.
I took the, for the, the, the air compressor.
And then I took out the manual for the fucking motorcycle.
I looked up the tires in the table of contents.
I went to the fucking page.
I put it on and I set it to the page number rather than the fucking PSI or
whatever the fuck
it is.
And, and, and, and I fucked it up.
I fucked it up.
I'm in an argument with somebody.
I'm a hundred percent right.
I lose my temper.
I say some shit way off fucking base.
And then I become wrong.
That is, that has been something that is a reoccurring thing.
And, you know, people always say like uplifting things while you work on it and
you're going
to turn it around and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I just realized the other day, like, you know what?
I'm 57, this ship is going in this direction and I don't have time to slow it
down, to turn
the fucking thing around and get back to land.
So let's sail off the edge of the fucking earth.
Let's see what happens.
But we got NFL football tonight.
You know, it'd be fantastic.
Like, you know, like they do like throwback uniforms.
Why don't they just, you know, do the whole thing.
Like, what if they just, they just go like once a year, they just roll the dice.
Okay.
And they pick a year and then you have to come out, not all, you got to come
out with those
uniforms and those rules.
And that's what it is.
So what if they just rolled 1992 and then they come out and they got the giant
fucking
shoulder pads leading with your head, no concussion protocol, no female referees,
no
female announcers, just a bunch of fucking lunatic guys slamming their heads
into it just for
one game.
Just for one game.
No ladies in the locker room.
Like you just go back.
You go back to that.
Or maybe they get like 1938 and they come out with like leather helmets, you
know, and the
field goal kicker has to kick straight.
You know, can't come in soccer style.
You come in with your fucking hands at nine and three o'clock out to the side.
Right.
And those fucking black high tops.
Tom Dempsey style.
Anyway, I will tell you this.
I just wanted to get used to the bike again, you know, so after over inflating
it and then
figuring out the safe way to then let out the air pressure, I didn't fucking
let it out.
I read about it and then I didn't do it.
I said, fucking I'm riding it anyways.
What's an extra three pounds of fucking pressure.
So I get on the thing.
I let it run for like five minutes.
To heat up the oil in the pan, something nobody, people just don't do that
anymore.
A lot of people used to, they didn't do it as much.
But back in the day when you had a carbureted engine, it wasn't fuel injected.
So you couldn't just start the fucker up and just take off down the street.
You know, depending on what time of year it was, you really had to let the car
warm up.
And that was good.
It's good for the engine.
And I kind of learned that I watched, you know, cause I was guilty of that too.
I would just press the button when I still had my Jag and I would just press it,
put it
in reverse, fucking drive down to the improv or whatever.
And then I saw this mechanic, you know, and they were talking about like, oh,
it's so funny.
They were talking about what's, what are the, what's the, what is the car that
just needs
like the most repairs and Jaguar kept coming up, Jeep and shit like that, Dodge.
And there's no excuse for it.
The technology is out there.
The answers are out there.
If you care, you know, Toyota has just been setting the, this is not an
advertisement.
It's fucking annoying to me.
It's fucking annoying to me that, you know, like Dodge doesn't even make cars
anymore.
It's like, well, maybe if you made some that fucking lasted, you cunt, you know?
And there was two things that I learned.
One was they always say,