Name: Football Sunday, Middle East, Project Blue Beam | Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-09-29T20:06:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Football Sunday, Middle East, Project Blue Beam | Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Football Sunday, Middle East, Project Blue Beam | Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-29. Transcript available.

Football Sunday, Middle East, Project Blue Beam | Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, September 29th, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going, man?
What's going on with you, man?
Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy, football this weekend.
Oh, Billy watched a bunch of football.
I was literally like, I said to my wife, I said, sweetheart, I go, I am going
to try to stay home and not do anything.
And I was literally, like, climbing the fucking walls.
There's something wrong with me.
Well, we all know that, but I'm starting to realize it.
I'm trying to figure out, like, do you know, like, restless leg syndrome?
Which I always just thought that was some nervous guy that, like, needed to
control the conversation or is maybe stealing from the company.
So he's kind of like, his fucking foot's doing, like, Morse code.
You know, like he's a fucking agent or some shit.
Spy.
Evidently, it's painful.
I looked that up.
Like, what is restless leg syndrome?
I don't have restless leg syndrome.
I have inability to sit down on a couch for longer than, like, like, eight
minutes.
And I keep saying, you know what, I'm going to start meditating.
I'm going to go back to fucking therapy.
I'm going to, and I don't.
And what I do is I just, you know, bounce around.
So, you know, my wife goes, why don't you smoke a little weed?
And I was like, well, you know, I'm not, you know, I don't like doing that when
the kids are up.
Like, you know, that's something every once in a while, you know, I'll step out
on the balcony, my pajamas, and be like, yeah, Jesus Christ.
And then I'll fucking take a hit.
And then I get goofy.
And I'm like, hey, let's watch a comedy.
And two seconds later, I fall asleep.
That's why I never got, well, wasn't into smoking when I was younger.
So, I never smoked it, but I also, all I ever found, it just makes me go to
sleep.
And they're like, oh, this weed's for being creative.
This weed, you know, you'll fucking clean your house.
It's like all weed has the exact same effect on me.
I smoke it.
I laugh for about eight to ten minutes, and then I just fall asleep.
So, you know, I went out to the garage instead with my daughter.
And I got my drum kit, and then I got this little one that I was telling you
about, little 20-inch bass drum.
And we just play like this copycat game.
So, I play like a beat, and then she has to play it.
And it's really cool.
So, I've been doing that with my son.
You know, he's still really young.
So, he's like, Dad, you do what I do.
And then it's actually a good listening exercise to me, because what he's
playing is in five-year-old time signature.
Like, Frank Zappa would have to write it out, or Vinnie Carliuda could play it.
But I did that.
And then my son, you know, he can ride like a bike now.
And he calls it his motorcycle and stuff.
It's really cool, and he wanted to ride it twice.
He was like all excited.
You know, we had a little bit of work done on the house, so we had to rent a
place.
So, during that time when I would have taught him to ride a bike, he was a
little behind.
So, it was making me feel bad, you know.
But he can swim.
That's the big thing.
The big thing with me, they need to learn how to swim, and they need to learn
how to defend themselves.
And then everything else kind of falls into place.
But then there's also, on the third tier, is they got to learn how to ride a
bike, you know.
You know, I don't know.
I just, I figure the new world's going to teach him all the new world shit, so
I teach him all the old school shit.
How to swim, how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball, how to hit a ball, how to
tell time on a fucking real clock.
And eventually, how to drive a manual transmission.
That's, that's my, like, thing.
And as much as a lot of that stuff would be like, well, it's going to be, like,
obsolete or whatever, it's still fucking cool that you know how to do it.
And you know the deal.
When you're a little kid, if you know how to do something cool that other kids
don't know how to do, you know, makes your life a little easier.
So, anyway, we were doing that, and then I was just like, you know what, I'm
going to just stay home Saturday and Sunday.
I'm not doing shit.
I'm not going to go out and do spots.
I'm not going to figure out an errand I can go run and all of that.
I'm just going to fucking stay home.
So, on Saturday, I was coming back from a road gig, road gigs.
And I got to the house, and I watched Alabama versus Georgia, which is, I got
to tell you, that kid on Alabama, that Simpson kid, he's got a fucking, he's
got an arm on him, both of them.
We're fucking throwing it all over the yard.
I watched so much football.
I watched Georgia, Alabama.
Now, you know what's funny is I'm at this place now where I don't hate any
teams.
I don't know what happened in football.
It's like Pete Carroll retired, and all those players in Seattle, you mad bro,
all of those idiots, they're all gone.
So, I don't hate Seattle.
Pete Carroll's with the Raiders.
I liked the Raiders when I was growing up, so, like, I'm excited to see what he's
going to do there.
And plus, you know, that's interesting.
Andy Reid, Jim Harbaugh, Pete Carroll, all in the same, you know, division.
I mean, those are arguably at least two out of three are going to be Hall of
Famers, Andy Reid and Pete Carroll.
And I figure, I don't know where Jim Harbaugh is.
What do you think?
You know, he took the 49ers to the Super Bowl.
Then he goes and he wins a national championship and kicks Ohio State's ass for,
like, three years in a row with Michigan.
Brings that program back.
I know that's at the college level.
That doesn't count.
Now he's with the Chargers, who beat fucking Kansas City the first week.
So, you know, I don't know.
I mean, you made you an argument.
So, I don't hate the Colts anymore.
Because Jim Irsay, rest his soul, passed away.
Um, Peyton Manning's long gone.
I just, there's no reason to hate him.
And then all of a sudden, like, I'm loving Daniel Jones.
I was one of his biggest critics going, like, what the fuck did they give this
kid $70 million for?
Turns out, all the man needed was an offensive line.
I'll get into that Rams-Colts game.
I had the Colts.
Jesus fucking Christ.
So, on, um, on Sunday, I watched the Patriots versus the Panthers.
Now, I know the Panthers don't have a good team.
But, um, that's, the Patriots needed a, we, that's our first blowout since Tom
Brady in, like, 2018.
Um, it's been a long fucking time since we had a, a game that was over in, like,
the third quarter.
So, that was great to see.
And, you know, if we didn't shoot ourselves in the foot with six turnovers and
a bunch of penalties against the, uh, Pittsburgh Steelers.
I mean, we, we, we could very easily be three and one.
But, you know, I'll take two and two.
Um, speaking of the Steelers.
How about Aaron Rodgers?
Fitting in there like a glove.
Jesus Christ.
It, it really must be the Jets.
Because Aaron Rodgers was taking all the fucking heat.
And, you know, he did great in Green Bay, you know.
And then it got a little sour towards the end.
Then he goes to the Jets.
And they're like, oh, he's in his old cunty years.
And he doesn't know when to retire.
And all of a sudden he goes to the Steelers.
And it's like, wait a minute.
So, I was wrong about, first of all, I was wrong about War of the Worlds.
I was wrong about Daniel Jones.
And I was wrong about Aaron Rodgers.
I was buying into that.
Yeah, you know, he's being all grumpy and shit.
And, you know, this is this classic Hall of Famer coming to the end of the road.
He can't turn off that competitive thing.
His body won't do what his brain wants him to do.
I was buying into all of that shit.
Just turns out, sometimes it's just the obvious answer.
He was playing for the Jets.
Sometimes it is.
I always use the Law & Order analogy.
Like, when you watch an episode of Law & Order and all of a sudden they arrest
somebody in the first five minutes.
You're like, there's no fucking way it can be this guy.
There's still another 50 minutes left of the show.
Minus commercials, right?
Well, with the Jets, when they make an arrest in the first five minutes, it is
that guy.
It is the Jets.
So, I watched the Patriots.
Then I watched the fucking Colts beat themselves like 58 different ways.
I mean, that guy running down the sidelines, he has a touchdown.
And for whatever fucking reason, he wants to hold the ball out before he goes
over the line of scrimmage.
So, I texted a friend of mine, right?
Keith Robinson.
I go, Keith, if you hear that there's a CEO, I forget what the analogy was.
Stealing money and writing himself a bonus and not giving somebody benefits.
Like the Starbucks people or whatever the fuck is going on over there.
I go, if you had to guess what color he is, what are you saying?
He goes, I'm going to guess that's a white guy.
I said, all right, here's one for you.
I go, somebody's running for a touchdown.
They're going to get a touchdown.
But before they get across the goal line, they do something fancy with the ball.
And then they fucking end up dropping it.
And it goes out the back of the end zone for a touchback.
What color do you think that guy is?
And he writes back and he goes, fuck you.
I go, Keith, I don't think in the history of the NFL a white player has ever
done that.
And it's not because we're more disciplined.
I think we're so fucking excited that we're actually there.
I think we just keep running until someone goes, all right, all right, you did
it.
You did it.
So anyways, that poor kid does that.
He felt so fucking bad.
I actually felt really bad for him.
He was just going like, oh, my God.
It was so weird because he wasn't really doing anything fancy.
He just sort of went.
The second he went to stick it out, it was like, it just sort of just, it's
like it levitated.
The ghost of Don Beebe was there or something.
And then on another play, now this one, I don't, you know, they, you know, ran
a one like 30, 40 yards for a fucking touchdown.
And then it gets called back for holding.
It ends up being the same kid.
But like, I can't say blew both touchdowns.
It's like, well, he fucking pushed the guy's head into the ground.
Maybe that's why there was nobody there.
Still would have been like a 20-yard gain or whatever.
But, and then they end up tying it up.
They go into fucking overtime.
Oh, no, it's the end of the game.
The end of the fucking game.
And I'm thinking, and I got the Colts.
All right.
It's a tie score.
I know the Rams are going to go down the field and kick a field goal because
there's no fucking defense anymore.
There's literally no defense.
So I'm like, all right, so the Rams are going to win this game by three.
Colts are going to learn something, you know.
They kind of, you know, made a lot of stupid penalties and other shit.
First fucking play.
They're 88 yards away.
They throw the ball.
This guy's fucking wide open.
It runs down the field.
And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.
I lose this bet too.
Dude, I literally wanted to go outside and chop down a tree with my fucking
cell phone watching that game, right?
And they show the replay.
The corner didn't even get tangled up with the receiver.
He got tangled up with himself.
Tripped and fell, a la Daniel Jones.
No one around him.
And then this kid's wide open for a touchdown.
They lose the game.
And they don't cover.
And I had to go for a walk.
So then I sit down.
I go, fuck it.
Now I'm going to watch Green Bay versus the Cowboys.
And there was literally no defense in that game.
They just went up and down and up and down the fucking field.
All right?
It's just all about offense now.
And like, I got to say something here.
This whole fucking thing where they go, the evolution of the 50-yard field goal.
What the fuck is that?
What happened to a human being in the last three fucking years?
For the last 40 fucking years, almost 50 years I've been watching football, a
50 fucking yarder.
I don't even think that was 50-50.
A 50-yarder was a big deal.
An