Name: Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-10-31T20:44:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-31. Transcript available.

Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25 | Bill Burr

hey how the fuck you doing what's going on it's phil burr and it's time for the
thursday afternoon
just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you oh i'm
checking in on you
from a fucking parking garage dude i'm underground under this fucking building
kid um knocking this
out bunch of bullshit to do just like you just like you i got a full day of
fucking bullshit
none of which i want to do now how does that happen how does that happen to
your life
like you just wake up you know it's your day it's your day but then there's
just a bunch of shit yeah
you don't want to do it i don't you look at your schedule like i don't want to
do any of this shit
i got something every goddamn slot of the fuck i don't want to do this you know
and then one day
you wake up and you say you know something i'm only gonna do the shit
that i want to do because these days these days belong to me and that is when
you become homeless
they're the only people in the world that are out there doing whatever the fuck
it is they want to
do every day they want to fuck i'm gonna go to sleep right here on the fucking
sidewalk i'm gonna take a
nice four hour fucking nap from uh right about now until whenever the fuck i
wake up that's the thing
you know they're always doing these benefits for homeless people and and and
they talk about all of
this stuff that they're going through and we should all feel bad but you know
very quietly you know
hiding in plain sight they are living they're totally in control of their lives
you know what i mean if you if we could just stop buying into the belief that
having a house with a
bunch of shit in it is some sort of like success you know what i mean oh jesus
oh my god she just
pulled in and opened a car door right near that fucking curb and that was not
her fault that
fucking curb because it's on like a slope like the like the the parking spot
was on a slope
and uh do you know what she doesn't give a fuck
that's a that's another great thing about women there's a great bunch of great
thing about women
but one of the greatest things about them is they can open their car door into
something and it has
no effect on their day they just make that face and that's it that's that's all
the emotion they got
for that i'd be like oh what the fuck bill you fucking idiot why is this curb
this much higher
like it's literally like twice the size it would normally be
and she pulled in and she like you know the level she just opened that door to
that curb if she kicked
me in the chest like that i would go back three steps before i fucking gathered
myself and it
barely registered happy as a clam with her clam you know so i think we've
learned something here you
know homeless people like i think i'm done doing benefits for them i think i
don't want to take a
nap right now you look at you
here's one thing doctors never say to homeless people you know you need to get
more vitamin d
you get plenty of sun buddy is that what you get from from the sun mr sun sun
mr golden sun
please shine down on my encampment um that is one of the things you know i was
watching the uh the
world serious there as bugs bunny used to say and uh how about those fucking
motherfucking toronto blue
jays they got donnie baseball one game away don mattingly um last night's game
first pitch of the game
right there fred boom left field bleachers
right and then who comes up next who comes up next vladimir jr right guerrero jr
second pitch he sees
right into the goddamn seats three pitches it's already two to nothing but then
it just stayed that
way for a while i thought there was a chance the dodgers were gonna claw back
in and then the blue jays
just had one of those fucking innings and the dodgers actually you know a lot
of pass balls a lot of
it's kind of weird like that that that 18 inning game
like uh some of the worst base runnings i've seen like people trying to stretch
a double into
a triple or try to go to first to third on a single to right just getting gunned
down third baseman
waving people around there and dude they were they go perfect throw perfect
throw and
the catcher then had to go thousand one thousand two before the guy even got to
the plate um
that was a strange game but anyway they came back they won both games and now
they're going back
for game six and that uh that wizard that japanese kid is going to be on the
mound for uh
the dodgers he has six different pitches somebody was saying like you know if
he had
you know if you just have three pitches you could dominate a game this guy has
six different pitches
and they all come from the exact same place when he throws it i mean what are
you supposed to do with
that um i think he's gonna i think that kid's gonna throw a gem and uh it goes
to game seven
and then everybody's just gonna be i if you even if you even like scratch your
ear as a pitcher they're
gonna take you out of the they're just they're just gonna bring everybody in
everybody's throwing
everybody's gonna be throwing kershaw is gonna get in the whole thing it's
gonna be a seven game classic
that is my that is my prediction and you know what we're all gonna sit there
and watch it
in our houses with our dishes and our our cable whatever the you have
and then meanwhile there's just gonna be like homeless people just walking
around living their
best life doing whatever the they want to do you know what's another great
thing about
being homeless day drinking day drinking no one to answer to
you know you don't have to sign a prenup to hang out with another homeless
person
this is what we're gonna do people you know it's a really
fucking negative time out there we're gonna spin everything positive today
upsides upside of being homeless
okay no refinancing no mortgage no interest no nothing do you think those guys
are gonna
get the real id you think when people get microchipped that fucking homeless
people
all of those people that you drive by and you feel better than
and you tell them to get a fight that's a movie right there everybody gets
microchipped
except for the homeless people and then the homeless people all get together
to save the society they don't want to participate in
have some big speech you know
they may have homes but we have freedom right bring fucking mel gibson back
running down a fucking exit ramp instead of over a hill
i love like like whenever they show like whenever they do a movie
about like homeless people and stuff like that for some reason it's it's always
very like
you know
i don't know it's very like braveheart like they always have people like you
know with like clubs and
all of this type of shit and just like yeah okay there's people down there
swinging two by fours
absolutely there's definitely pallets of wood on fire but there's also some air
jordans there's some
uptowns they're not clean but you know let's not get crazy people aren't down
there wearing the
fucking ankle high sandals and having a captain america shield okay they're
homeless they're not from the
they're fucking middle ages okay and you know as much as hollywood
is out there fucking with the images of different races and sexualities and all
that nobody ever seems
to stand up for the homeless how come every homeless person looks like they're
in escape from new york
in a hollywood movie
haven't you ever seen somebody begging going like that guy must be like newly
homeless
because he is dressed like he almost has an apartment
um
you get free cable
free cable looking over people eating on a sidewalk just staring at the fucking
tv behind the bar there's another
upside of being homeless
you don't get any spam
nobody asking you to vote for something
do you think they give a fuck if this orange headed flim flam guy giving gingers
a bad name
gets a third fucking term they don't give a fuck
alligator alcatraz would that that's like you and i going down to margaritaville
and i actually think homeless people the only people that could jump into that
water and the
alligators would leave them alone you know what i mean you know like you know
like animals just
know like they don't drink out of stagnant water they're not eating a homeless
person okay
that's that's street meat to them they're not with that they want fine dining
somebody that
was yanked out of a home with children crying that's that's what they want to
eat
the world we're living in all right another upside of being a homeless person
like what was
like all the homeless people in florida you never hear any of them getting
eaten by an alligator
who always gets eaten by an alligator some kid jumped out of a car running from
the cops
right nice brand new pair of sneakers on
just gets eaten homeless people never you know what it is about homeless people
and alligators
there's an understanding you know what i mean like you ever see like the
alligator when he just sits
there and he's floating on the water and he's got birds in his mouth cleaning
his teeth and he never
eats the birds there's there is a fucking there's an understanding i don't want
to get a toothache
so i'm going to let you do i'm going to let you do what you do shout out to
anybody who owns a
fucking g-wagon how that motherfucker doesn't tip over look at this guy backing
up he's got the nice
fucking pipes on it he's looking at his phone at the same time he's putting his
music on
he's probably going to talk to me because he's looked at me like three times i
can't
tell if this is going to be a can you give me directions or i like your truck
it's going to be one of the two
and then across the way you just got a guy getting into a fucking late 2000s
prius
um and you know what all three of us have in common we're not homeless we're
not homeless and
i know that that guy who just pulled in is going in to go do some shit he doesn't
want to do this guy
who just pulled out his prius just got done doing some shit he didn't want to
do on his way to more
shit he doesn't want to do and this is his moment this is his moment he's in
the car he's going to
put the song on he wants to listen to he's going to fantasize that he's in the
band
and that chick who broke his heart comes back to him
and sucks his dick i mean who can't relate to that
you know can't a homeless person because he's living or she's living their best
fucking life
if you had to be homeless like what vehicle would you pick
you know what i mean you wouldn't want a g-wagon first of all you couldn't that's
too much panhandling
you know
i would say a station wagon but you want the back windows tinted
so when you take your nap during the day because there's a homeless person you
sleep during the day
you sleep during the day because at night it becomes thunderdome okay sun goes
down two by four comes out
that's how it works sun comes up everybody stands down
just like the birds and the alligators there's there there is an understanding
i think that that's
what the theme of this podcast is today having an understanding
there is an understanding there is an understanding that when a fat guy is a
baseball fan
he's not going to buy a jersey that fits
okay he's just going to buy one that he never buttons he's going to wear it
like a jacket
you know because they don't mass produce the cecil fielder size jersey you got
to get that custom
order right
and if you have the money for that you're sitting in the box seats and if you
have money for box seats
you're not wearing a jersey you're wearing you're wearing like some sort of
elevated like
uh brooks brothers shit
you know that that white guys wear that just like never questioned just never
questioned their
position you know like dockers is this what we're doing fuck it dockers no loafers
let's do it
joint join a join a country club absolutely hey how you hitting them oh yeah
yeah you're probably
picking your head up and they just fucking just unexamined you know but with a
mortgage
as opposed to a homeless guy we just live an unexamined life with no mortgage i
mean that's basically
those