Name: States, World Series, Gym Clothes | Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-11-03T20:52:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'States, World Series, Gym Clothes | Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'States, World Series, Gym Clothes | Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-03. Transcript available.

States, World Series, Gym Clothes | Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
November 3rd, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? Oh my God, it's the day before
the election.
You got to get out there and you got to vote. I don't know what's going on in
your state,
but this is what I want to say. I want to say this right now. I respect your
state.
I don't have a problem with your state because we are the United States of
America.
Okay. It is a melting pot and all the other bullshit that they say that fucking
hardcore certain people,
for some reason, don't believe while they say they believe it. They're actually
advertising on TV out
here in California, which one of my favorite parts of the World Series was them
showing hot chicks
fucking rollerblading or whatever, skating out in Santa Monica and Venice. It's
like, that's the way
they used to sell the state. It was called the California dream. Okay. And I
got to tell you,
it still exists out here. Okay. But like every other state, we are in difficult
economic times
and it has nothing to do with blue or red ties as much as it has to do with
industry leaving this
country because they didn't want to pay the working man a working wage. Okay.
That's why everybody's
driving Uber and, and, and, and taking pictures of their food because there's
no factories left
to work it. Um, anyway, they are, um, they are openly advertising, openly
advertising, um,
you know, one of these things, vote yes on 50 to prevent Republicans from
stealing another election.
And they are literally saying that on television. This isn't the internet where
if it's the internet,
you're like, all right, that's just some over the top stuff to get me to click
on it. But they are
literally saying that on TV where there's rules of libel and slander, you can
get sued. And they
are just openly say it's just fucking unbelievable to me, you know? And then
the other side is saying
the same thing in their States, which means that stealing elections is
happening. They're not even
hide. It's like gambling on sports. Like it's, it's legal now. Weed is legal.
Tattoos are removable.
Like, I don't understand what the fuck is going on out there, but like somebody
in both parties
needs to stand up and be like, guys, we have to stop this or we're going to,
well, this is going to be
a civil war and this is only going to be good for billionaires. All right.
Everybody else is going to
fucking stop. We're, we're, we're literally, we're going to kill each other in
the fucking streets.
So, so some fucking hairplug nerd can have more rockets to shoot to Mars.
Or we could all just chill out and be like, Hey man, you know, there's all
different ways you can
live your life. And just because I choose to live my life one way, I'm free to
disagree with the way
you live your life, but I don't want to prevent you from doing it.
If you're out there, right? You got a four wheeler and a fucking semi-automatic
weapon
and you want to shoot them fucking squirrels full of fucking lead to start your
day
on your own proper tie and you don't hit anybody. I don't give a fuck.
Have at it. You want to take that engine out of your fucking F-250 and stick it
in the back of your
bass boat. Fucking have a great time. All right. If you're in the fucking city,
you know, you want
to walk around having a beard, tits, and a dress, I don't give a shit. I don't
give a shit.
Whatever you want to do is cool. Just don't hurt anybody. Just don't hurt
anybody. Everybody respects
everybody. You know, like this, this fucking, I'm telling you, dude, the
fucking internet is evil.
It is turning everybody against each other. You're even seeing it in stand-up
comedy now.
Comedians go after other comedians on podcasts.
They literally say the person's name. They trash them. I do interviews now.
People try to get me to
trash like other fucking comment. I don't, I don't, I don't do that. I don't
want, I don't want to
fucking do that. I already feel bad enough. Like earlier this year, I did an
interview and somebody
goes, you know, what do you think about comedians having presidential
candidates? And I knew who
they were talking about. It's like, I don't want to fucking, I don't, I don't,
I just wish I could
go back in time and be like, Hey man, I don't want to fucking, I'm not doing
this. Okay. Everybody has a
podcast. They do their podcast how they want to do their podcast. I fucking sit
there by myself in my
underwears talking to myself like a fucking lunatic. All right. So guys, we're
all Americans.
Whether you like it or not, we are, we're all Americans. Let's fucking chill
out.
Let's fucking chill out. Let's stop having these cunts wind us up.
You know, all these nerds that own these fucking social media networks, they're,
they're literally
bullying the entire population. Now they're all, they're flicking the back of
your ear. Every time
you go on the, on, on a fucking soda, social media platform, you're letting a
nerd, a bunch of
goddamn nerds, nerds fucking flick the back of your ear and ruin your morning,
ruin your cup of coffee
with some phony shit that a bot just sent you. And then you and somebody else.
Okay. Take the bait and you start yelling at somebody else that you would vibe
with
in the parking lot outside of the forum, going to a Foo Fighters concert. You'd
fucking have a couple
of drinks. Now you're on the internet and you're fucking ruining each other's
morning. So some nerd
some nerd can, can, can fucking go to Turkey and get a fucking hair system, can
get a bigger fucking
boat, can do whatever. I don't hear anybody out there on the left or the right
that is, that is
like, you know, running this country saying anything about bringing people
together. I don't hear anybody
on CNN or Fox news doing that shit. They are fucking ripping us apart.
And I don't even think there's, there's, there's any goal other than let's get
clicks and let's
fucking make money. And to see that seeping into standup, the standup comedy
world, dude, like,
um, I don't know. I'm not pointing any fingers and like, I shouldn't have
answered that question.
I remember when that person asked me that question, I was thinking like, oh,
they want me to trash
this person. I was like, so I tried to answer it as like eloquently as I could,
but I'm in the future.
I mean, I have to, I have to say shit out loud because I have a medium brain. I'm
not dumb. I'm not
smart. I got the regular brain. So if I don't say it out loud, like I'm done
with sugar, I'm going to
the gym. All right. If I, if I don't say it out loud, it doesn't fucking happen.
If I just think
it, it just sort of just seeps into the fucking ether. So that's what I'm going
to do from here on
out. Um, yeah. Anyway, anyway, it's been a hell of a fucking week. Did you see
that shit where they,
they allegedly caught these mercenaries that kidnapped some Venezuelan soldiers,
put on their
uniforms and they were plotting allegedly to attack a U S military ship to
start a war down there?
Like the level of no coverage that that got, but I get it now. I'll tell you
right now, but if the CIA
tried to put together a comedy festival down in Venezuela, oh my God, that, I
mean that they would
have got shit for as long as the fucking festival lasted. Um, anyway, anyway,
oh Jesus. Oh Jesus,
Mary and Joseph. Speaking of that, I went into the target yesterday because I
had to buy some more
fucking t-shirts and some Epsom salt, just a total 100% old guy going into a
fucking box store. Right.
Um, cause I put these pants that I usually dry clean. I just, ah, they're
fucking, you know,
they're, they're, uh, they're like chinos. Well, I'm not fucking dry cleaning
these things. So I threw
them in and it's the first time they'd been washed and they were, they were
blue and I washed everything
on cold. I don't know what happened. Got all over my t-shirts. They actually
look kind of cool.
They look a little tie dyed. Uh, they're gym t-shirts now. I used to call them
changing the
oil t-shirts back in the day when I used to change my oil. You know what I mean?
That's what kills me
about my old truck. The 68 F100. I want, I want to change the oil. I have the
oil filter wrench. I
have the whole thing. It's, it makes me feel like, you know, I'm kind of a man,
right? But however,
whoever, whoever fucking designed the Ford that year, the frame right with,
right where the, uh,
the drain plug is on the oil pan, this piece of metal of the frame is right
underneath it.
So it just hits the frame and then goes all over your fucking garage. Um,
and I talked to somebody about that one time and they were like, well, that's
just how they built
them back there. Like the left hand didn't know what the fucking right hand was
doing. It's like,
really? Didn't somebody just sit down and draw this whole thing? That doesn't
make sense to me.
Anyway, plowing ahead. So I go into target yesterday, November 2nd.
Okay. And over the speaker, they were playing rockin' around the Christmas tree.
It was 48 hours. We, we didn't, it wasn't even 48 hours after Halloween. It was
like 36 hours after Halloween.
Rockin' around the Christmas tree. Have a happy holiday, boo. Weep-a-doo. Um,
I always wondered who, who did that little slide on the guitar. Wee-a-doo.
Sounded like Les Paul to me.
Making a little money, you know? Um, just completely blowing past Thanksgiving,
as they always do, because they haven't figured out a fucking way. Grocery
stores
are the only ones who figured out a way
on how to make money off of the genocide of Native Americans. Okay? Now, thanks.
Thanksgiving,
selfishly, is my favorite holiday. All right? Provided you don't go anywhere.
Everybody's just gonna sit down and eat. Gonna go watch a little football.
You watch the dog show.
Westminster, with my wife in the morning.
I go out on the back porch. Maybe I'll have a cigar, but I'm, I'm back not
smoking again,
you know? Going another hundred days here.
Um,
yeah, that's what Thanksgiving is. And they just, there's just no
songs.
There's nothing you need to, you need to buy.
It's just, and it's also all over the place.
It's like, whatever you want it to be.
It's not like you have to get a Christmas tree. I guess the turkey's the
Christmas tree.
You know? And then it comes down to all of this stuff. And, uh, you know, you
know what I don't like about Thanksgiving? I don't like people who don't cook
and then they come on like they're on one of those fucking Food Network cooking
shows.
And they start talking about how the mac and cheese has to be right. And they
start talking about how the mac and cheese has to be right. It has to be right
or what?
You're gonna show up with a bottle of wine and some fucking napkin holders. Go
fuck yourself.
You got that shit on the way over.
You got that shit on the way over.
Claire.
Right?
There's always, there's always
some loud mouth broad
judging the fucking food.
Right?
the narcissist of the family and everybody's sort of like placating and just
fucking looking over.
Did, did, did it please this person?
I say this, this is the year.
This is the year.
I say, you know, you can't tell the person to go fuck themselves, but because
any sort of attention they like, what you have to do is you just have to
fucking get everybody on the same page to be neutral.
If everybody can just be neutral with the narcissist in your family, they will
be, they will leave in about an hour and seven minutes.
And they'll make a big fucking show of it.
And everybody just has to, you just have to hold it until they fucking drive
away, turn the corner, brake lights disappear.
And then everybody can laugh.
That's how you do it.
You know, I've actually thought about ways of, you know, I'm very inspired by
these, these ice vans.
You know, I feel like if applied correctly, we could really improve this
country.
And I would start with sociopaths and narcissists.
And I think one of the first ways, this is how I would get narcissists.
I did a joke in my act how the first t