Name: Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25
Uploaded: 2025-11-08T02:16:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-08. Transcript available.

Dolls, Forgiving People, Online Shopping | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-25

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in checking in on you
just seeing how you're doing i'm gonna check in on you you think you think the
government's
gonna check it on you man check in to see how much you're making hey the more
you make the
more like take yeah you know what i'm saying um they're not gonna check in on
you um am i really
checking in on you i don't know what i'm doing i don't even know what to
fucking do with myself
right now i uh the world series is over and like i got so fucking into it i
watched the last 14 blue
jays games i was just like i'm just gonna root for these guys and then you you
watch the whole
damn thing and now it's like over it's just like now what am i supposed to do
huh face myself and all my demons nah no no no no football basketball hockey
here we go
keep burying it keep burying it dude push it down push it down it's about ready
to come out during
the holidays that's how you do it that's how you do it if you're a man um i
started to watch one of my
my second celtic game this year i don't recognize anybody on the team um we
were playing the utah
jazz one of the uglier games i've seen in a while we were shooting like 47
percent the first quarter
and uh the uh the other guys weren't shooting much better it was just and they
just
they just kept launching threes
i can't believe either one of the rims was still standing with the amount of
fucking bricks
that were being thrown up but i bet if i hung in there it's a game of runs it's
a game of runs right
so i bet everybody got hot everybody heated up and i probably missed one of the
best games of the year
um anyway oh billy jimbod billy fucking jimbod down four pounds down four
pounds went down a notch on the belt too
i was sort of i was a tweener i was in a tween on my belt and uh now i moved
down one i got one more fucking notch
to go down and then uh i don't know probably to buy a new belt
you know things the things you have to do the things you do for love the things
you do for love
um anyway i started to watch a fucking i watched this movie the vanishing the
original one
um incredibly disturbing and creepy movie
um
one of stanley kubrick said it was the scariest movie he ever saw
um
i would say maybe like like i don't think it's it's scarier than the shining
to be honest with you the shining scared the shit out of me
um
i don't know and then last night i i started to watch um
i'm going to watch the vanishing again just because
there's all this stuff when you go back and watch it like a second time
that they're laying in there is is amazing and then what i was really excited
about it was there was a lot of
um
uh french speaking you know what i was trying to say it was it was it was sort
of dutch and french
and um
i understood so much of the french
uh so many of the words and all of that's really exciting i swear to god if i
just had the time if i could just fucking go over there
if i could go over there for three months it would be over
i just was in it
you know up to my fucking eyeballs
and croissants and uh crepes
i think i would have it
um
i gotta get back over there again
and do another gig
um
fuck it i think i'm just gonna do it
i'm just gonna go over there
that's what i'm gonna do
what am i gonna do
i'm gonna watch some hockey
fucking basketball and football
and uh
you know i was still you know
looking up stuff about that world series
and now there's people like breaking down
how the blue jays blew it
and having it come down to one fucking person
like why why why why do people always
there's fucking nine guys out there
they had a hundred pitchers in there
everybody who went up
and didn't hit a fucking home run to end it
isn't that their fault too
people always try to figure out
you know why it all sucked
that is one of the
that is one of the biggest fucking waste of time
in your life
when shit doesn't work out
to go back in a negative way
to try to figure out why
all right who do we put this on
you know
i mean i guess growing as a person
if something you know
doesn't work out for you
you got to go back and think about
what what you did wrong
i understand that i guess
but you know with sports
people always want to put it on one person
they want to put it on one person
so then they can take all of this shit
that they haven't dealt with
and then fucking
put it on that person
which i totally get
after that fucking comedy festival
here's something i fucking saw
you know i read uh
i read french newspaper
i read this french newspaper
le brisio
le brisio
every day
i try to read the front page
as much of it
as i can understand
and people were outraged
there was some company
that makes like sex dolls
these super realistic looking sex dolls
and they came out of a lot
with a line of them
that look like kids
like under 10 years old
they're like commoditizing pedophilia
so obviously people were like
freaking out
so i can't imagine
i can't imagine
what some of these people
you know
if you're upset about a comedy festival
i can't imagine
what the fuck you're gonna have to say about that
my guess is gonna be absolutely nothing
um
anyway
now why don't the nerds
unleash the bots
on that thing
why don't they do that
it's kind of funny
that they didn't
right
what does that mean
who are the bots protecting
and what are they doing
like do they own a piece
of that fucking sex doll company
how the fuck did that conversation go
just i just
just one fucking time
can somebody just
press record
in the conference room
when you're making a decision on
how do
how do you talk around it
you know what
instead of calling them kids
they probably call them
uh
you know we have
we have a new line of compact models
there you go
yeah
anything that's of
any doll that looks of legal age
which to bang
is called the full size
and then teens
are their midsize
and then you have the comp
small medium and large
and then you go in there
like you're ordering a cappuccino
at a fucking shitty coffee shop
all right
because if anybody knows anything about coffee
there's only one size for a fucking cappuccino
and there's only one size
human being
you bang
and that's on the other side
of the legal age
you motherfuckers
um
so uh
anyway if you're like me
if you live some life
if you've lived some life
people have disappointed you
people have upset you
people have hurt you
you've hurt people
or whatever
so
if you're like me
you just hang on to the hurt
and then it turns into anger
and resentment
and then
you know
you're fucking
every time you beep your horn
rather than just beeping at somebody
you gotta hold it down
for at least 30 seconds
that's
that's how it
you know
tries to get out
and uh
so it was actually
this morning
i was having a cup
cup of coffee
and uh
some overnight oats
um
which were fantastic
i'm eating like that guy
that you know
in the old grape nuts commercials
that's why i had breakfast
you remember those things
the guy would be out
on the back porch
in the bathrobe
and have a bowl of grape nuts
with like
fruit inside of it
which we always thought
was fucking hilarious
because nobody
nobody took the time
to slice up fruit
you know
unless your parents
were immigrants
but if they were real
if they were real
real american heroes
they don't have time
to cut up fruit
to put it in your cereal
um
they would uh
yeah i remember like
looking at the going
look at this
look at this guy
the guy's fucking jacked
he's outside
the bears are afraid of him
he's probably got some
fucking hot piece
of ash inside
right he just looks
he's got this fucking
you know
sort of house
a-frame
log cabin
he fucking
I know how to fix shit
they were selling you
all on that
right
I've been eating
like that lately
minus the a-frame
minus the jackpot
um
still have a pretty
you know
my wife is easy
on the eyes
let's put it that way
um
when you're in love
with the beautiful
woman
um
dr hook
anyway
uh
yeah so i've learned
that like
so i was sitting there
today
you know
as i'm continuing
my journey
of trying to get
this fucking
anger
out of me
like i feel like
i cut down the tree
and now i just
have this stump
and i don't have
that stump
remover thing
you know
i got like a
fucking shovel
um
so i was reading
this whole fucking
thing on how to
forgive people
and you cannot
believe how much
work it is
it's like
wait a minute
you're gonna
fuck me over
and then i
and then i have
to do all of
this work
or else i'm
gonna be
fucking angry
and then other
people aren't gonna
like they're not
gonna like me
because of the
shit you did
that's now on me
and then i'm
angry and i come
at them in a
fucked up way
what
that's how
this shit
dude it was
like
a b c
steps and then
there was three
things to do
in each one
of them
and um
i'm gonna give
it a shot
going to therapy
now so i'm
just gonna make
a copy of
that and i'm
gonna be like
all right here's
how you forgive
people how do i
do this and
then i'm just
gonna take out
this scroll and
just fucking let
it fly and be
like these are
all the people
that i feel in
my head
fucked me over
in the last
57 years
and each and
every one of
them still lives
on inside of
me
so how do
we how do
we rectify
this situation
anyway i was
at my uh
my daughter's
soccer soccer
practice yesterday
um having a
great time
uh watching the
kids play i tell
you kids in
california can
play soccer man
there there were
some you know
i i feel like
when i went
down there there
was a lot of
like multilingual
families and
soccer is the
biggest game in
the world so
like like these
kids are just
i don't know
i feel like all
their parents
play like even
like the moms
if the ball
gets kicked
over like they
don't just kick
it back they
do a little
something with
it and then
they fucking
send it back
and i'm like
all right i i've
never been in
this world
um there's
some really
really good
fucking players
um and my
daughter's hanging
with them so
it's making me
really proud so
afterward you
know she wants
to go get
something she
wants to go buy
like starbucks or
something she
goes dad you
don't drink
starbucks coffee
right i said no
it's garbage and
she said why is it
garbage i go i
don't know it's
like they don't
care
um so
anyway i'm
waiting to make
a left to go
into this thing
and this fucking
asshole is just
sitting there with
like three car
lengths to let
this person go
by and now i'm
just i now i'm
i'm blocking
traffic they would
just pull up one
car length i could
get behind them
and i'm all upset
because this person
is just in their
own fucking world
and it doesn't
realize what
they're doing
to my life
and i am beside
myself that this
person has the
audacity to not
consider me
you know what i
mean i'm doing
one of those
things stupid
right so i
started go look
at this fucking
guy did that
it that it
and then i just
said to my
daughter i just
said to her i
go you know
what i'm flipping
out again she
goes yep and
i go do you
deserve this she
goes no and i
go no you
don't so guess
what i'm gonna
do and she
goes stop and
i go yes
and then we
both laughed and
that was it
there you go so
you know i'm like
the bruins i'm
getting some wins
here i'm turning it
around where i'm
rebuilding the
franchise but i'm
seriously gonna do
that i'm gonna learn
how to how to like
forgive people and
one of them is then
to have you gotta
have like a
boundary the one
the part i like
the best was it
would like if
you choose to
continue the
relationship there
has to be a
boundary and
uh that's the
part i like it's
like i know i
don't choose to
continue the
relationship and
that is the
boundary fuck
off so anyway um
i just gotta i gotta
figure out how to
let this shit go
um and with that
um i'm getting ready
to uh do some road
gigs here i got some
road gigs coming up
um and you know
what i might just say
fuck it i might just
say fuck it and go
back to paris why
the fuck not why
the fuck not what
else am i gonna do
you know i'm
becoming a fancy man
here i'm learning how
to speak another
lan